Just to set the background...I am an only child. I have multiplicitous cousins but we are very close in age and so I never really learned about babies. If there was a baby nearby, there was also a mother nearby. If the baby cried or did something stinky or gross, I gave it back. I also never babysat as a teenager; I worked for my mom and grandfather's catering business when I needed money. So my knowledge of babies and their ways, and what to expect when I acquired my own, was limited to sitcoms and watching the occasional cousins raise theirs from a distance. When we found out about Gabriel I was thrilled but also a little apprehensive. However, I figured I could read all about it. There are like a BILLION books about raising babies out there, right? And I had my aunts and mother-in-law too, right?
So Gabriel was born at the end of June.
Rewind to about the first or second week in March. I was at home doing some random stuff and watching a documentary on pandas in China. The story was about how the scientists are trying to raise the panda population because pandas are just not into sex. They would much rather eat some bamboo, and inspect their toes, and think deep panda thoughts--which do not involve sex.
There was this one girl panda the scientists had been trying to get pregnant for a LONG time. I don't remember her name but she was about 15 years old and apparently very happy in her cublessness. They tried everything to get her interested in the mating thing but she wasn't having it. She was quite content. Then one day, they put her in a nice open pen with a male panda while she was in estrous.
Rewind to about the first or second week in March. I was at home doing some random stuff and watching a documentary on pandas in China. The story was about how the scientists are trying to raise the panda population because pandas are just not into sex. They would much rather eat some bamboo, and inspect their toes, and think deep panda thoughts--which do not involve sex.
There was this one girl panda the scientists had been trying to get pregnant for a LONG time. I don't remember her name but she was about 15 years old and apparently very happy in her cublessness. They tried everything to get her interested in the mating thing but she wasn't having it. She was quite content. Then one day, they put her in a nice open pen with a male panda while she was in estrous.
It was hilarious. In a scene lasting a good 5-7 minutes (probably edited together), the boy panda wandered over, gave her a sniff, and then moseyed off to eat some bamboo. She just sat there (on her relevant parts I might say) munching. When she got up and ambled over to sample another pile of bamboo, boy panda heaved a huge sigh, thought for a moment, then followed her. She was in the right position after all. He clambered up and then they just sort of stood there, chewing. After a moment she sat down again, he slid off and they both sat there eating bamboo. The scientists (who were watching because panda porn is just that hot) groaned. So they separated the the two red-hot lovers and decided to use the turkey-baster method. After a couple tries they finally got her pregnant. She was NOT happy about this (I can totally relate, my panda sistah). She had been a very happy panda to this point and she did not appreciate getting knocked up by a turkey-baster (of all things). Even the scientists talked about how offended she seemed by the whole thing. She had once been a fairly easy-going girl and now she was GRUMPY. LOL!
Finally, she was ready to give birth. They had created a "cave" at the facility for her to give birth in. She grumpily went into the "cave" and got ready to give birth. There was lots of bamboo there to pacify her.
God, in His infinite wisdom and sense of humor, has decreed that when baby pandas are born, they shoot out of their mama at a high rate of speed and slam into the nearest hard object which pops out the mucus plugs in their nose and mouth and startles them into breathing. This happened. Mama panda growled and was not pleased, but there was some bamboo nearby so she consoled herself by munching on a few stalks. The look on her face said, "Okay, that's done."
God, in His infinite wisdom and sense of humor, has also decreed that when baby pandas are born and can breathe, they make this horribly annoying, really loud, ratcheting noise. The noise is supposed to kick start some hormone in the mother panda and make her scoop up the baby and love him and stroke him and keep him and call him George. This baby made the noise and mama panda stopped chewing and stared at it. Baby made the noise again and mama panda kind of eased over away from the baby, never taking her eyes off of it in case it did something besides lie there like a newborn panda. She also never stopped chewing. Baby made the noise one more time and mama panda LEFT the room and never went back. Baby panda had to be raised like an orphan by the scientists. I'm thinking several years of therapy will be in that baby panda's future.
Mama panda, however, was happily munching bamboo halfway across the compound. The scientists left her alone after that.
Fast forward about 4 months. Gabriel is less than a month old and in that month I think I might have slept an average of half an hour a night. I was feeling really wretched and icky. I loved my baby but good grief I felt horrid. So one day I'm sitting on the living room floor, folding laundry. Gabriel is in the swinging chair and we seem to be doing alright when suddenly he makes this noise. It was horrible. It was annoying. It was loud. It was ratcheting. I dropped the underwear I was folding and stared at him. He made the noise again. It was louder, more annoying, and more ratcheting. I backed up against the sofa and stared at him. He made the noise a third time, and I seriously considered leaving the room, the house, and the state.
In that moment, I totally identified with that panda.
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