My So-called Spiritual Life

My Spiritual Life, from Pithless Thoughts

Wow! What a month it has been. I didn't even realize so much time had passed since my last post until I dropped by today.

It's been exhausting simply because I had to maintain my faith and that has never been a gift of mine. It's very hard for me not to look at circumstances, to wonder about the future, and to just generally whine about why my life is sooooo veeeeerrrry, veeeeerrrry, haaaaarrrrrddddduh.

So, you might ask, how'd that work for you?

It didn't. To be precise, it only made things worse. Don't get me wrong, for a short period of time the pity party is kind of satisfying (in a sick and twisted sort of way) but after a while I started to get on my own nerves. And do not get me started on how much energy it takes to work up a good whine. Seeing as I only have so many spoons per day sometimes, that is simply not a wise use of my limited resources. So I decided (and yes it was an actual conscious decision, I remember the date I made it) not to do that anymore.

Decision made but how exactly does that look? What do I do instead? If I am not whining and I am going to have faith, what else is it I need to do? I was at a loss so I decided to pray and then I did it again. Then I worried I wasn't doing it right, so I started reading. I read A LOT.

Read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, look around at circumstances (bad idea), go back to reading and praying. Take the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

...Honestly, my life hasn't been easy the last few months. It's been pretty damned hard...

Read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, look around at circumstances (bad idea), go back to reading and praying. Take the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

...Okay, Lord, there are things I do not have to worry about? I'm taking too much responsibility for other people's emotional lives? I'm making mountains out of molehills?...

Read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, look around at circumstances (bad idea, WHEN will I learn???), go back to reading and praying. Take the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

A lightbulb moment came while reading the life of St. Nektarios of Pentapolis and Aegina. This wonderful saint of God went through so much in his life. So many false accusations, deprivation, deception, persecution by and exile from those who were supposed to be his support, just downright evil meanness done to him for no reason. He never lost his faith though. He was always seen to be praying for those who persecuted him. He never defended himself but accepted what was forced unfairly upon him, preferring to accept what God allowed to happen to him to happen to him.

In one of his letters, St Nektarios wrote to the nuns at Aegina, a monastery he founded:

Do not be frightened. The overseeing eye of the Lord has not looked away...The Lady Theotokos will intercede once again. She will intercede to her omnipotent Son....Do not be troubled. Just continue your penance and every good work, with an attitude of happiness and optimism. We believe in a living perfect God. If He allows tribulations, it is for the salvation of our souls, of this you can be sure. Return to your duties of virture and to the special ministries you have undertaken, always keeping in mind the great Paul and Silas who suffered so greatly inside prison. So let us chant as they did, continuously praising our benefactor as they did that historic night...
~ Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p220, 223

St Nektarios of Aegina

Later on, the monastery needed repairs--it was originally a deserted convent on the island of Aegina and it needed rebuilding and repairing beyond what Fr Nektarios and the nuns could do on their own. Unfortunately the Metropolitan of Athens refused to acknowledge the monastery (refusing to recall his promise to Nektarios that he would) and without his formal acknowledgement, the monastery's funds were tied up legally. The workers who were repairing the buildings of the monastery needed to be paid however and so Nektarios did what he always did; he reassured them and he prayed.

Sure enough, within a few days the mail came with enough cash donations to pay the construction crew for that week. The nuns were very happy and they thanked God for the provision, but then the nuns began to worry about the next payments and the saint told them:

Do not be ungrateful for what we received this week by thinking about next week. I am sure divine providence will send something again.
~ Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p237

Wow. Such faith. I wish I had faith like that. What stood out to me is that Nektarios told them that worrying about the next week's provision was "ungratefulness". Isn't it natural to wonder what is going to happen next time? Then again, even Christ said:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?"
~Matthew 6:25-30

And the biography shows that Fr Nektarios lived this way all his life. He truly believed that no matter the circumstances, God would provide and God always did. Even as a young boy, sent away from his family to Constantinople for schooling, he lived this way. Even when he was unjustly relieved of his posting in Egypt and denied his Greek citizenship, he lived this way. Even when he was accused of gathering a harem and tossing newborn babies down a well, he lived this way, only believing that whatever God allowed would be for the salvation of his soul:

The evil one does not care to what extent the human soul can endure torments, plots against it, and slander. When given permission [Job 1:6-12 and 2:1-6] to test the soul, he falls on his victim like a wild hungry vulture, taking pleasure in thrusting his nails in the backs of its unsuspecting victims.
~Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p219

In no way am I claiming to be a saint, but knowing that even the saints had to undergo testing and torment, deprivation, deceit, and exile but never gave up their faith is always a comfort and example to me. Their lives give me something to look to so that I will not give up when my comparably puny difficulties arise. After all, I'm not caring for twenty or thirty other people on my prayers alone. I am not required to dig roads, lift rocks, repair masonry and then sleep in a draughty old ruin after not having enough to eat or adequate shoes and clothing for the weather. My health is good and I am young. And yet I worry and whine. What a wimp I can be.

Lord forgive me, a whiny sinner. You have always provided for me and always just in time, even after I spend my energy on whining about how hard my life is. Forgive me for disdaining this prize you have given me, this gold star that is LIFE. And I thank you for giving it to me so abundantly. You always meet my needs and You always show Your love for me. I will never be able to thank you enough. Please continue to have mercy on me, whiny and sinful as I am. 

St. Nektarios, thank you for the example of your life. Pray to God for the salvation of our souls!

Relevant Reading
1 Corinthians 12:4-11
Have Some Cheese with that Whine?
The Spoon Theory
The Hardest Part
Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century
Matthew 6:25-30
A life of St Nektarios and photos