Developing Dispassion

My friend Maria commented: "Might the perceived apathy actually be developing dispassion?"

"By dispassion I mean a heaven of the mind within the heart, whcih regards the artifice of demons as a contemptible joke. A man is truly dispassionate--and is known to be such--when he has cleansed his flesh of all corruption; when he has lifted his mind above everything created, and has made it master of all the senses; when he keeps his soul continually in the presence of the Lord and reaches out beyond the borderline of strength to Him. And there are some who would claim that dispassion is resurrection of the soul prior to that of the body, while others would insist that it is a perfect knowledge of God, a knowledge second only to that of the angels."
The Ladder of Divine Ascent, p282, St John Climacus

Oh if only!!

God knows I wish that were the case. Perhaps the things that tug at me wouldn't. Maybe I could rid myself of some of these besetting sins I have (and man do I ever have a few). But I know I fall far, far short of this.

Instead I am turning to God. Trusting in Him that He has a plan for me, a future and a hope, in spite of all my failings and lack. St John Climacus said to despair is to commit suicide but called repentance "the daughter of hope and the renunciation of despair". So I constantly turn back to Him and ask for His mercy and His grace, crying, "Lord have mercy on me a sinner!"

Meanwhile I just hope this weird feeling will metamorphose into something godly. Or at least useful. Honestly, not lamenting over this that and the other decision/thought/statement/gesture/etc is really restful. I don't think I've felt this kind of peace in quite some time. The constant self-questioning and the ongoing dialogue in my head are just not there anymore. Sometimes I wonder about that and then...I'm done with it.

Detachment is something I've been trying to learn for a very long time. According to a book I once read,

"Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to and totally inaffected by people and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others; a severing of our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern, although sometimes these ways of detaching might be the best we can do, for the moment…Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people’s responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom…"
Codependent No More, p62

Maybe...just maybe...I've figured out how that is supposed to work in my life.

Relevant Links
Jeremiah 29:11-13
The Ladder of Divine Ascent
CoDependent No More