Someone said to me, "My mom lost her voice every winter too...do you feel voiceless elsewhere in yor life? I mean, that's personal and don't answer, but it's occurred to me that my mom did and it manifested itself physically."
I've been thinking about that and I have to admit that it is true. Very often I do not feel heard. In the past three years or so, it's been hammered home time and again that my words mean nothing to certain people. No matter what I say or feel, they truly believe that it isn't important and doesn't count. In fact my son recently said to me that his father told him that schoolwork I assign him "doesn't count". Talk about being undermined. Many times I am told point blank that I didn't even say what I know I said and that I agreed to something I know I did not. I think the applicable term here is "crazy-making".
I'm slowly coming to understand that I've given "them" far too much power over me. I've been living by their law, looking for their approval, hoping to make them notice that I am or am not...whatever it is they think I am. If anything. For some reason I've forgotten that I am freed from all that and am not obligated to live by those rules and regs any longer. I'm not under that controlling influence, that law anymore.
Perhaps, as I recall this, I will regain my voice.
Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.
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I feel the same way you do, Elzabeth.
It is a feeling that accumulates too and chokes us inside and puts us in a sorrowful or depressed frame of mind ...
What has released me from this is trusting and putting myself into the hands of trustworthy people ... people I may not ordinarily have given time of day to. Life changes when you start to feel LOVE from people ... that they LISTEN to what you have to say but MORE SO they have something to say BACK ...
In other words, life becomes a dialogue and not a monologue ...
that is loneliness. Monologuing.
Glad to help, Elzebet!
And GentleHeart, I totally get what you are saying. Beautiful way to put it!
I wish you to regain your voice Elzabet, I hope and I strongly belive that you will do it by the most powerful and unstoppable instrument: the love
Love for your son, first of all, and then for rectitude and respect of yourself.
I don't know you, I just follow your blog and, moreover, i'm a foreign but I perceive you're a kind sensitive person, genuinely honest, deeply right
I think your aspiration, the greatest aspiration, is just to do the right thing
You’re not an ordinary person, you're a special one: follow your heart and don't listen to anything else
Above all don't listen to the sirens of evil, iniquity, hatred, revenge and resentment.
You're not made of those things. You are made of justice and love
I'm sure that Elzabet will be able to do the best and to look at herself in the mirror proud of that beautiful woman
Everyone has said such nice words. :)
To some extent you have gained a say through your blog. And that's a step in the right direction, isn't it? :)
Every word you wrote, Elzabet, could have been written by me. What really confuses and hurts me is that when I do establish a friendship with someone who really is trustworthy, and then that person just sort of drops out of view. I always wonder if I inadvertently offended them, and they just don't say. That's another thing. WHY don't people say? If you never say, it can never be fixed. Anyway, Kudos to you, girl, for the progress you've made!
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