Called Worthy By God

When you hear something enough times, it begins to settle in. For years and years, I was told that I wasn't good enough, I didn't do enough, and what I did do I didn't do right or fast enough. I allowed myself to be micromanaged to a fare-thee-well because I was told that I didn't get enough done. I took classes and went to seminars and read books and forced myself to do all sorts of things hoping that one day, I would be "enough".

I swallowed it all, turned myself inside out, cried blood and second guessed everything I did, said and thought in order to be "enough" for someone else.

And in the end, all of that twisting and turning and agonizing won me nothing but pain and betrayal.

Since then, however, there have been others repeating new things to me. The words they say sometimes bring tears but they are always, always, always good tears. This weekend I saw some folks I haven't seen in years. I guess it was 10 years ago that I was part of a prayer ministry they led. It was so good to see them again. But the part that stands out was the repetition of what I've heard so many times in the last couple of years:

"We could tell you were in pain but at least you were trying..."
"You seemed so stressed and oppressed..."
"You can't tell someone to leave but I wanted to because I could see the oppression."
"We prayed for you a lot."
"You did Good Christian Wife very well but there was pain in your eyes."
"It wasn't you."
"I know this is going to sound weird but...I'm so glad! Now you can finally be you again!"

I often wonder if people know how much they affect others with their words and actions? I mean, over and over and over again I hear this sort of thing from people and it's so healing. I always thought it was me that was the problem. I mean, I was constantly being told I was the problem so what else was I going to believe? Now I am being told over and over and over It Wasn't Me. I've been told by different people at different times, without prompting.

Two years ago, after long prayer, God had me camp out in the Book of Ruth. The verse that I still treasure (among others) is:

And now, my daughter, do not be afraid; I will do for you all that you ask, for all the assembly of my people know that you are a worthy woman. Ruth 3:11¹²

I had a hard hard time believing that was about me. For me. How could that possibly be? I mean after all I wasn't...anything. I was never enough and never going to be. I embraced it though. I wrote it everywhere. I repeated it obsessively. It used to be the title of my blog. I asked God to please forgive me for being presumptuous enough to think He meant that about me.

And then people began to speak to me. People I hadn't seen in years would show up in the oddest places where I went all the time previously but had never run into them and have never seen them there since: Target, Harris Teeter, Wal-Mart, random gas stations and convenience stores, the mall (all of them). And they would all say the same thing: "It wasn't you." And "You were not the problem." And my personal favorite: "I know this sounds weird but GOOD for you!" (or any of it's various incarnations).

I think I'm finally starting to get it. I'm no angel by any stretch of the imagination, but I am also not the dregs of the earth. God loves me and all the assembly of His people think I am a worthy woman.

Guess what? I am one of His people.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Verses
The Book of Ruth
Isaiah 54:1-6; 11-17