The Mad Hatter Makes a ~gasp~ Resolution

In the past, I have tried my level best to start my day with a list of things to do. The list may not necessarily be written down someplace but I do always have an idea of what needs doing, cleaning, fixing, whatever-ing next. Then there are those moments when I know there is something that needs doing but it conflicts with something equally important that needs doing. That's when I go all deer-in-headlights. Drives me nuts! I mean, which one is the "right" thing to do?

Sometimes I try to think about what I am doing in terms of what "hat" I am wearing. You know, that saying about how we all wear many hats? I think Stephen Covey (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) came up with it. Essentially he said we can compartmentalize and prioritize what needs to be done based upon which hat we are wearing at that time. Seems pretty simple, does it not?

Unfortunately, that "hat" thing just leads to major anxiety for me. How does it lead to anxiety? Well just think about it...I'm trying to figure out which is the right thing to do, right? What will be the outcome if I do X instead of Y? Or if I do Y before X? Or...? Or...? Or...? It's enough to make a happily odd girl go slowly insane if not require professional help and a handful of anxiety meds per day. And who can afford that? 

Add to that the fact that the Lord has said that anxiety is a sin, has He not? So I have to do things slightly differently. I keep the list but it's not carved in granite. I've simply decided that my life has got to be more than getting stuff done and checking things off a list. I have to be flexible and gentle with myself and learn to live with the chips as they fall where they may. 

Basically, I have to remember to give up control while remaining in control. I can't let anyone force me into a position where I lose control anymore. There is no need for it. To possibly misquote a character from Sean Russell's Gatherer of Clouds, "To lose control because one feels out of control is a very confused response, I think."

So I think this coming year's resolution (I hate those things) is going to be keeping control and learning how to master the passions in my soul. It does me no good to allow these things to come to me and separate me from God by causing me undue anxiety and nervousness. The last part of the verses from Philippians I noted above says, 

"Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 

Emphasis mine. This next year, as I come to the end of yet another journey (graduation in December 2011, YAY!) I want to be at peace with God. That is truly it. I just want peace. Not the peace of the doormat getting walked on all the time nor the peace of the soldier who is always ready for battle. Just peace to live my life the way God wants me to live it. This is not to say that I won't fight if the need arises because there are things I will not abide and I will not be walked all over. No. There has to be a balance and I am looking for it.

This coming year, I hope to find it.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading

Artwork borrowed from Fayrenpickpocket @ Deviant Art

Philippians 4:4-7

Gatherer of Clouds
The Ascetic Podvig of Living in the World
Are Passions Natural?