More Preparation

This week's snow resulted in a rescheduling and so I have more time to prepare myself. Read that as "to become even more ruthlessly honest with myself."

I'm not sure I am looking forward to this...

What shall I render unto Thee, O Lord,
for that Thou hast poured such great mercy on my soul?
Grant, I beg Thee, that I may see my iniquities,
and ever weep before Thee,
for Thou art filled with love for humble souls,
and dost give them the grace of the Holy Spirit.

O merciful God, forgive me.
Thou seest how my soul is drawn to Thee, her Creator.
Thou hast wounded my soul with Thy love,
and she thirsts for Thee, and wearies without end,
and day and night, insatiable, reaches toward Thee,
and has no wish to look upon this world, though I do love it,
but above all I love Thee, my Creator,
and my soul longs after Thee.

O my Creator, why have I, Thy little creature, grieved Thee so often?
Yet Thou hast not remembered my sins.

Glory be to the Lord God that He gave us His Only-begotten Son
for the sake of our salvation.
Glory be to the Only-begotten Son that He deigned
to be born of the Most Holy Virgin, and suffered for our salvation,
and gave us His Most Pure Body and Blood to eternal life,
and sent His Holy Spirit on the earth.

O Lord, grant me tears to shed for myself,
and for the whole universe,
that the nations may know Thee and live eternally with Thee.
O Lord, vouchsafe us the gift of Thy humble Holy Spirit,
that we may apprehend Thy glory.
St. Silouan the Athonite

There are many things about me I do not want to look at but that I need to reveal to the light so that they may be cleansed and made new and held accountable for. Fr N knows all of them, after all I bring many of them up each time I come before the icon of Christ with him as my witness. He agrees with me about my pain and he agrees with me about the wrong done, but the response he gives me is always the same. "Forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive again. Until as many as 70x7, forgive."

Which is radically different from what I desperately want to hear (which is not fit for publication and so shall be left to the imagination).

Suffice to say that I struggle with this issue of forgiveness. I have forgiven, I forgive, I seek to continue to forgive.

Forgive me, a sinner.