What is also a blessing is that He knows exactly how I feel about things and doesn't say, "Oh don't feel that way! Be positive!" He knows I was hurting ((still am at times but less now)) and that I wanted to cause so much pain in return. He's been there done that bought the t-shirt. A few years ago, I didn't understand that. I thought ((and was taught)) I had to be happy to be a "real" Christian. That I had to be "nice."
Such bull kept me fighting depression for years. Then I had reality dumped upon me like a load of bricks and I decided
i will not call
i'm not goin to be nice
i will raise my voice
& scream & holler
& break things & race the engine
& tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face...
...& i wont be sorry for none of it
i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
i still crave vulnerablity & close talk
& i'm not even sorry bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna
just dont give it to me
i cant use another sorry
next time
you should admit
you're mean / low-down / triflin / & no count straight out
steada bein sorry alla the time
enjoy bein yrself
That was from For Colored Girls Who've Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf by Ntozake Shange.
This is from King David:
Give ear to my prayer, O God;
do not hide yourself from my supplication.
Attend to me, and answer me;
I am troubled in my complaint.
I am distraught by the noise of the enemy,
because of the clamour of the wicked.
For they bring trouble upon me,
and in anger they cherish enmity against me.
My heart is in anguish within me,
the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
Fear and trembling come upon me,
and horror overwhelms me.
And I say, ‘O that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest;
truly, I would flee far away;
I would lodge in the wilderness;
Selah
I would hurry to find a shelter for myself
from the raging wind and tempest...’
...It is not enemies who taunt me—
I could bear that;
it is not adversaries who deal insolently with me—
I could hide from them.
But it is you, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend,
with whom I kept pleasant company;
we walked in the house of God with the throng.
Let death come upon them;
let them go down alive to Sheol;
for evil is in their homes and in their hearts.
But I call upon God,
and the Lord will save me.
Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
and he will hear my voice.
He will redeem me unharmed
from the battle that I wage,
for many are arrayed against me.
God, who is enthroned from of old,
Selah
will hear, and will humble them—
because they do not change,
and do not fear God.
My companion laid hands on a friend
and violated a covenant with me
with speech smoother than butter,
but with a heart set on war;
with words that were softer than oil,
but in fact were drawn swords.
Cast your burden on the Lord,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.
But you, O God, will cast them down
into the lowest pit;
the bloodthirsty and treacherous
shall not live out half their days.
But I will trust in you.
Psalm 55
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