Kindling Kinder

I haven’t felt much like writing for a while. I’ve been going through some things that just don’t translate to the written word very well. Life is like that I suppose. I’ve been coming to grips with some new changes in myself and my life that have occurred over the past couple of months.

I think the most important thing is that I am trying to concentrate on what Gabriel becomes. A friend of mine posted the following quote at OCC a few weeks ago and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Especially considering he is a homeschooled kiddo. I don’t take credit for how well he is doing, but I also spend a lot less time with him than I would prefer, and honestly, I do not want to spend all of the little bit of time we do have together making him read things he hates and do stupid blinking worksheets. Anyway, here’s the quote:

Beloved Christians, you and your children shall appear at that Judgment of Christ, and you shall give account for them to the just Judge. He will not ask you whether you have taught your children the arts or whether you have taught them to speak French, or German, or Italian, but whether you have taught them to live as Christians.

~ St. Tikhon of Zadonsk

Don’t get me wrong, I know Gabriel needs to know his reading writing and arithmetic. That is not the point. The point is, am I teaching him what it is to live what we believe above and beyond the worksheets and textbooks? He’s not going to get a pop quiz on the original 13 colonies at the Judgment Seat of Christ. When I ask myself “Am I teaching him this well?” I still have to answer, I don’t think I am. Not in some respects.

In the book, Kindling the Divine Spark, St Theophan the Recluse wrote:

[In this earthly life], lay men and lay women…don’t see what is in our hearts, but this is hidden only for a while. How ashamed we will be when, before everyone who knows us now, it will be revealed that in our hearts we were not what our [monastic] habits now show us to be…It is not enough to live in a monastery. It is not enough to be virgins. It is not enough to fast. It is not enough to labor and make prostrations. You have to fill your hearts with all sorts of good dispositions…which make our souls the pleasing brides of God and allow us to enter the palace of His glory…If there will not be good dispositions in our hearts, the door will be closed against us and we will hear through it: Depart! I knew you not!

~ St Theophan the Recluse

I don’t want him to find my example lacking. As St Francis of Assisi said, “Preach Christ always, and if necessary, use words.” Is that pride? I hope not. I simply want him to know what is important. I want him to know truth and untruth and have the ability to tell the difference between them. I want him to experience the joy of being a child without unnecessary stress or having to always work. Life isn't about working all the time.

My desire is to leave a legacy of love and joy with Gabriel. I want him to have a good foundation not only with his education but in the things that really matter. I am discovering so late in my life what is important. I don’t want him to miss out on what I missed out on by leaving it until he is 40 and wondering what was the license plate of that truck that just hit me.

“Reality."

Relevant Reading

Matthew 25:1-13

Don't Just Stand There..DO Something!

Unfortunately I have no clue what that is.

Wrong Turns

...There is a common understanding of Providence, common in our culture, that would tend to see only one highway for our life [God's plan] and that would argue that wrong decisions can only be corrected by returning to the previous point and starting over. Thus when we take a wrong turn – we must go back and correct it and get back on the previous route.

This reminds me of the GPS unit in my car which occasionally, having run out of “on-the-map” solutions, says, “If possible make a U-turn!”

There is another understanding of Providence, more common in the Eastern Fathers, in which God’s work in our lives is seen as far more creative. There is not one route, but one destination. Thus if we make a wrong turn, God is quite capable of continuing to bring us to union with Him. The problem is not that of a route, but of our heart.
Wrong Turns and the Providence of God, Fr Stephen

Often I hear people say, "Well what was the last thing God told you to do? Go back and do that." Well good grief, sometimes I don't even remember what the last thing He told me to do was. How messed up is that? If I can't recall exactly what it was am I just up a creek? No boat, no paddle?

The Eastern perspective helps. It helps a lot. Most of the time, you can't go back to where you messed up because you just don't know exactly where that was or it's just plain impossible to do because of circumstances. Understanding that God is about the destination--union with Him--and not about the exact route that union takes takes some of the pressure off.

When I was at university, I used to say, "I don't do anything I will regret." Arrogant, no? Nowadays, I regret many things. There is so much I wish I had never done, people I wish I had never associated with, choices I wish hadn't made, words I wish had never come out of my mouth. There is no way to un-do those things.

Thanks be to God that He doesn't need me to! He can take care of things Himself, in spite of me. Perhaps I can know some of His good and perfect will, but He knows the complete plan and how I fit into it and He can fix what I screw up. What He wants from me is to conform myself to Him the best way I can. I think He's figured out now that I will screw up regularly. Praise God for His mercy because I definitely need it. But my screw-ups are not the end of it. Knowing that makes life a little easier.

I am not so arrogant as to believe that I'm any holier than anyone else. Even a blind man can see how untrue that is. That's a mistake I hope never to make. I also know that thinking repentance is just saying "I'm sorry,"that salvation is the work of a moment and that grace returns quickly are equally mistaken beliefs.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner!

Relevant Reading
Romans 8:28-29, 38-39
Romans 12:2
Philippians 2:12