A Summation of This Lent

At the beginning of this Great Lent, I felt myself to be smack dab in the middle of a crucible. I wanted to be obedient to a pull I truly believe the Lord was placing on me but at the same time I could not begin to understand how to do it. I had to let it go but I felt like doing so was just asking for more punishment, betrayal and downright evil in my life.

Well, Lent is almost over and I'm coming to understand that I was wrong. Not about being obedient, but that being obedient would open me up for more cruelty. I don't know why I thought God would want that for me (He never has before) but apparently that was the crux of the matter. I thought He wanted me to open myself up again to a relationship with a toxic human being; that by forgiving I was going to have to say that everything that had been done was okay and peachy keen.

Untrue. And I learned that today.

"And secondly, we might try to understand exactly what loving your neighbour as yourself means. I have to love him as I love myself. Well, how exactly do I love myself?

Now that I come to think of it, I have not exactly got a feeling of fondness or affection for myself, and I do not even always enjoy my own society. So apparently 'Love your neighbour' does not mean 'feel fond of him' or 'find him attractive'. I ought to have seen that before, because, of course, you cannot feel fond of a person by trying. Do I think well of myself, think myself a nice chap? Well, I am afraid I sometimes do (and those are, no doubt, my worst moments) but that is not why I love myself. In fact it is the other way round: my self-love makes me think myself nice, but thinking myself nice is not why I love myself. So loving my, enemies does not apparently mean thinking them nice either.

That is an enormous relief. For a good many people imagine that forgiving your enemies means making out that they are really not such bad fellows after all, when it is quite plain that they are. Go a step further. In my most clear-sighted moments not only do I not think myself a nice man, but I know that I am a very nasty one. I can look at some of the things I have done with horror and loathing. So apparently I am allowed to loathe and hate some of the things my enemies do. Now that I come to think of it, I remember Christian teachers telling me long ago that I must hate a bad man's actions, but not hate the bad man: or, as they would say, hate the sin but not the sinner.

For a long time I used to think this a silly, straw-splitting distinction: how could you hate what a man did and not hate the man? But years later it occurred to me that there was one man to whom I had been doing this all my life - namely myself. However much I might dislike my own cowardice or conceit or greed, I went on loving myself. There had never been the slightest difficulty about it. In fact the very reason why I hated the things was that I loved the man. Just because I loved myself, I was sorry to find that I was the sort of man who did those things.

Consequently, Christianity does not want us to reduce by one atom the hatred we feel for cruelty and treachery. We ought to hate them. Not one word of what we have said about them needs to be unsaid. But it does want us to hate them in the same way in which we hate things in ourselves: being sorry that the man should have done such things, and hoping, if it is anyway possible, that somehow, sometime, somewhere he can be cured and made human again."

CS Lewis, Mere Christianity, Chapter 17

I'm not saying I have reached the mountaintop. I am so far from it. But...I think I rounded a corner and caught a glimpse. Sometimes that is all you need to keep going.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Note to Self

The value of fasting consists not in abstinence only from food, but in a relinquishment of sinful practices, since one who limits his fasting only to an abstinence from meat is one who especially disparages it.

Do you fast? Give me proof of it by your works. If you see a poor man, take pity on him! If you see a friend enjoying honor, do not envy him.

For let not the mouth only fast, but also the eye, and the ear, and the feet, and the hands, and all members of our bodies.

Let the hands fast by being pure from avarice.

Let the feet fast by ceasing from running to forbidden spectacles.

Let the eyes fast by being taught never to fix themselves rudely upon handsome countenances. For looking is the food of the eyes, but if it be unlawful or forbidden it mars the fast and overturns the safety of the soul; but if it be lawful and safe, it adorns fasting. For it would be an instance of the highest absurdity to abstain from meats and unlawful food because of the fast, but with the eyes to feed on what is forbidden.

Do you eat flesh? Do not feed on licentiousness by means of the eyes.

Let the ear fast also. The fasting of the ear is not to receive evil speaking and calumnies. "You shall not receive an idle report," it says.

Let also the mouth fast from foul words. For what does it profit if we abstain from birds and fish, and yet bite and devour our brethren.

St. John Chrysostom "On Fasting"

Holy St. John, pray for me, a sinner!

And Now For Something Completely Different

Compared to animals eating only rat chow, rats on a diet rich in high-fructose corn syrup showed characteristic signs of a dangerous condition known in humans as the metabolic syndrome, including abnormal weight gain, significant increases in circulating triglycerides and augmented fat deposition, especially visceral fat around the belly.

Male rats in particular ballooned in size: Animals with access to high-fructose corn syrup gained 48 percent more weight than those eating a normal diet.

“These rats aren’t just getting fat; they’re demonstrating characteristics of obesity, including substantial increases in abdominal fat and circulating triglycerides,” says Princeton graduate student Miriam Bocarsly. “In humans, these same characteristics are known risk factors for high blood pressure, coronary artery disease, cancer, and diabetes.”

The researchers note that they do not know yet why high-fructose corn syrup fed to rats in their study generated more triglycerides, and more body fat that resulted in obesity.

“Our findings lend support to the theory that the excessive consumption of high-fructose corn syrup found in many beverages may be an important factor in the obesity epidemic,” Avena says.

High Fructose Corn Syrup's Big Fat Secret

The Breastplate of St Patrick

I arise today

through a mighty strength,

the invocation of the Trinity,

through belief in the Threeness,

through confession of the Oneness of the Creator of creation.

I arise today

through the strength of Christ with His Baptism,

through the strength of His Crucifixion with His Burial,

through the strength of His Resurrection with His Ascension,

through the strength of His descent for the Judgment of Doom.

I arise today

through the strength of the love of Cherubim,

in obedience of Angels, in the service of the Archangels,

in hope of resurrection to meet with reward,

in prayers of Patriarchs, in predictions of Prophets,

in preachings of Apostles, in faiths of Confessors,

in innocence of Holy Virgins, in deeds of righteous men.

I arise today

through the strength of Heaven:

light of Sun, brilliance of Moon, splendour of Fire,

speed of Lightning, swiftness of Wind, depth of Sea,

stability of Earth, firmness of Rock.

I arise today

through God's strength to pilot me:

God's might to uphold me, God's wisdom to guide me,

God's eye to look before me, God's ear to hear me,

God's word to speak for me, God's hand to guard me,

God's way to lie before me, God's shield to protect me,

God's host to secure me:

against snares of devils,

against temptations of vices,

against inclinations of nature,

against everyone who shall wish me ill,

afar and anear, alone and in a crowd.

I summon today all these powers between me (and these evils):

against every cruel and merciless power that may oppose my body and my soul,

against incantations of false prophets,

against black laws of heathenry,

against false laws of heretics,

against craft of idolatry,

against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,

against every knowledge that endangers man's body and soul.

Christ to protect me today

against poison, against burning,

against drowning, against wounding,

so that there may come abundance of reward.

Christ with me, Christ before me,

Christ behind me, Christ in me,

Christ beneath me, Christ above me,

Christ on my right, Christ on my left,

Christ in breadth, Christ in length, Christ in height,

Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,

Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me,

Christ in every eye that sees me, Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today

through a mighty strength,

the invocation of the Trinity,

through belief in the Threeness,

through confession of the Oneness of the Creator of creation.

Salvation is of the Lord.

Salvation is of the Lord.

Salvation is of Christ.

May Thy Salvation, O Lord, be ever with us.

γνῶθι σεαυτόν

One of the secrets of life is to be honestly who you are. Who others want you to be, who you used to be, and who you may some day become ... these are fantasies. To be honestly who you are is to give up your illusions and face today with courage.

~ Bill Purdin

According to an ancient travelogue, "Know Thyself" was engraved at the entrance of the court to the Oracle at the Temple of Apollo at Delphi. It's amazing where one finds wisdom. I think I am finally learning who I am. I don't know why it's taken me so long or why I've made myself jump through so many flaming hoops along the way but...That isn't important.

I'm finally realizing that Who I Am is not only necessary for me to figure out but also necessary for my salvation. How can I work out my salvation with fear and trembling if I don't know who the person is that needs salvation? Being who I am and not who someone else wants me to be is just plain honest. And so much easier than whatever it was I was doing before. I don't even know how I got into the habit of being a chameleon. I do know that it wasn't something I planned to do. And having a plan is half the battle isn't it?

I'm looking forward to this bit of discovery though. A lot of people define themselves by their work or their relationships, but I think I am going to be able to skip a lot of that. Not that they aren't important but I see that they aren't me. Maybe it's because I am past those points of my life where those definitions are developed? I dunno. I just know I'm pretty much a blank slate. Is that a good thing?

I'm a saint and I'm a sinner

I'm a loser; I'm a winner

I am steady and unstable

I'm young, but I am able

I am [Carrie's] granddaughter

The spitting image of my father

And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan

Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy

But I've got friends that love me

And they know where I stand

It's all a part of me

And that's who I am

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading

Philippians 2:12-13

Granny Weatherwax's Wisdom

Mightily Oats: "It is said three thousand people witnessed his manifestation at the Great Temple when he made the Covenant with the prophet Brutha and saved him from death on the iron turtle--"

Granny Weatherwax: "But I bet that now they're arguing about what they actually saw, eh?

Mightily Oats: "Well, indeed, yes, there are many opinions..."

Granny Weatherwax: "Right. Right. That's people for you. Now if I'd seen him, really there, really alive, it'd be in me like a fever. If I thought there was some god who really did care two hoots about people, who watched 'em like a father and cared for 'em like a mother...well you wouldn't catch me sayin' things like 'there are two sides to every question' and 'we must respect other people's beliefs'. You wouldn't find me just being gen'rally nice in the hope that it'd all turn out right in the end, not if the flame was burning in me like an unforgivin' sword. And I did say burnin', Mster Oats, 'cos that's what it'd be. You say you people don't burn folk and sacrifice people anymore but that's what true faith would mean, y'see? Sacrificin' your own life, one day at a time, to the flame, declarin' the truth of it, workin' for it, breathin' the soul of it. That's religion. Anythin else is just...is just bein' nice. And a way of keepin' in touch with the neighbors...And I don't think that's fashionable right now, cos it seems that if you sees evil you have to wring your hands and say 'oh deary me we must debate this.' That's my two penn'orth, Mister Oats. You be happy to let things lie. Don't chase faith, cos you'll never catch it." She added, almost as an aside, "But, perhaps, you can live faithfully."

Granny Weatherwax to Mightily Oats, Carpe Jugulum p310-311, red print mine

Risk Taking, Quantum Uncertainty and Leaps of Faith

[M]y righteous one will live by faith.
My soul takes no pleasure in anyone who shrinks back.’
But we are not among those who shrink back and so are lost, but among those who have faith and so are saved.
Hebrews10:38

I've been thinking a lot about taking risks lately. Risk taking is not something I do naturally. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm passive...Okay, I am generally passive. I just don't take risks because I want to make the right decisions, the right choices. So mostly I err on the side of caution and take no risks.

I'm tired of living like that. I don't want to go so far as to say I want to live on the edge with a cliffhanger of a life, but doing the safe thing, being agreeable, ignoring the things that were important to me and trying to please the people around me has really done nothing for me besides get me treated like a doormat, humiliated and tossed aside like so much garbage. I am way tired of that sort of thing. I think it has got to be possible to be a decent human being and, at the same time, not be a doormat, right?

The problem with that for me is that I have this lovely imagination. I can see the possibilities, like looking at an endless reflection of mirrors, and I get paralyzed. Too much information just adds to the quantum uncertainty of my life. So I do nothing (or I do something really random) and, in turn, get less than what I would have gotten if I'd just done something.

Ignoring the possibilities is always an option. After all, that is just quantum mechanics.

Now if that proton would just move the heck out of my way...

I'm learning that I have to walk forward despite the possibilities I see. Nothing will happen otherwise. As long as I keep from sin and continue to be obedient to what I know the Lord has told me to do, I can only continue to move forward. Nothing else really matters in the long run.

Someone told me that learning to focus on the right things will also help me deal with the multiple possibilities. When I am off focusing on dumb stuff--the random useless protons in my life--I don't make good decisions because I am making a decision based on information that has nothing to do with what I actually need or want. Did that make sense? Getting my goals in hand and knowing what I have to do from day to day has really changed what I focus on. Even when things aren't looking like I think they should look.

So...focusing on what I do actually want is the key. Otherwise I'm just going to end up seeing too much and I'll become paralyzed again. All the information I gather should be useful, not just clogging up my brain for some cosmic Jeopardy game in the future.

So I say "OUT! OUT DAMNED PROTON!" (Hat tip to The Bard) and onward to principles of greater certainty!

Relevant Reading

Hebrews 10:19-39

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle

Macbeth, Act V, Scene 1