Do All The Things

I've become angry. It has been a long time since that happened although not so long ago that I don't recall it. It took me a long time to get over being angry last time and in some ways I am still working on that. To paraphrase Abba Ammonas, "I have spent MANY years...asking God night and day to grant me the victory over anger." Okay maybe not night and day. I mean, to be perfectly honest, there were some days when it felt pretty damn sweet to rage like a hurricane. But those days became more and more rare as time went by. Confession and prayer for one's enemies is good for the soul, and trust me when I say that neither of those things are easy or fun. After a while though I felt like I had gotten a handle on things, praise God, and was moving right along. I will admit I rested on my laurels for a while. It was just so good to not be angry. Anger takes a lot of energy

Then 2016 happened.

Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt.

WTVeryF is happening in this world? We have this election cycle going on. Shenanigans from both left and right. Donald effing Trump. Hillary effing Clinton. Trigger happy cops killing folk like they're playing some kind of game. People rioting and marching. Racists and bigots crawling out from under the rocks they had been cowering under for the past few years. Racism rearing it's ungly head all over the damned place. Rapists being allowed to go free. Judges picking rapists over their victims and remaining on the bench...It's gotten freakin' insane in the US.

It seems like everytime I go online or turn on the news I'm seeing this insanity. And it's pissing. Me. Off. I can actually feel my blood pressure going up some days.

Photo shamelessly lifted from The Sun, Please don't sue me

So I try to limit my information consumption and I still get the info slapping me upside the head which starts the spiral all over again. It's exactly like being caught in a whirlpool. See that boat? that boat is me. That place where those buildings are? That's what I THOUGHT was safety.

Someone once told me that most of the time anger is a secondary emotion. Sometimes it is legitimately in response to an injustice done and a need to protect and it is a primary emotion. But most of the time anger is the manifestation of an stronger underlying basic emotion: Fear.

Which is why I recognize this manifestation as being based in fear.

I fear for my son. I fear for myself. I fear for this country.

I don't want to be afraid. In fact I am commanded not to be afraid over 80 times in Scripture (yes, yes I know there are supposed to be over 300 mentions but there are not but whatever). But it's kind of hard when you think about all the things that are out there. Gunning for you. Gunning for your kid. And I use the word "gunning" very deliberately here.

I guess I need to "repent and do the things [I] did before". It seems to be a theme with me at this time.

Do all the things. Do ALL the things. DO. ALL. THE. THINGS!

What are the things?

Fr. Thomas Hopko laid it out very succinctly in a formula that is pretty hard to get wrong:

Remember God. 
Say my prayers. 
Go to church. 
Forgive my brother. 
Obey the commandments.

Okey dokey.

Why does that seem so hard right now? I really need an easier formula please. ~sigh~  This is why I'll never be a saint. I suck at all of these things. Like a Dyson. I'm working on it but I am pretty sure my angel has a permanent facepalm. I really want God to look at me and say "Well done."

Somehow I do not think my fearful anger is well pleasing to Him. I'm going back to the basics though. Maybe they will help now as they did before.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
The Sayings of the Desert Fathers, p153-155, Sr Benedicta Ward
The Hardest Part
This is Why I'll Never Be an Adult

"...repent, and do the works you did at first"

"I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance. I know that you cannot tolerate evildoers; you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them to be false. I also know that you are enduring patiently and bearing up for the sake of my name, and that you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember then from what you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent."

~ Revelation 2:2-5

St Teresa of Avila

This reference came to me today after I had the overwhelming desire to re-read the Life of Teresa of Avila. St Teresa is one of my heroes and has been a signpost along the way many times in my journey heretofore. In fact, her works were the first mystical Christian writings I ever studied very nearly 20 years ago (!!!!!). I do not think this great saint and friend of God would steer me wrong. So I am starting over with the works I did at first.

I seem to be on a plateau, wandering round and round, looking for a way up or off. I'm not sure what precisely I am looking for and that is okay. I know I am Looking for Something Good and God has always given me good things when I actively sought Him. Which is of course the rub. I have not actively sought Him in a long long time. I know I am just going through the motions.

In her Life, St Teresa says the evil one always makes us think it is more humble to NOT pray, NOT seek God, NOT commune with Him. That by hovering at the back of the audience chamber, or even not even coming into the the chamber, let alone approaching the throne, I am somehow proving how humble I am. How silly is that? But this is what I have been doing.

So I am starting over from the beginning. I am repenting and doing what I did at first. When you are lost you have to retrace your steps, right? Because just sitting here isn't going to make me any less lost.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Revelation 2:2-7
The Life of St Teresa of Avila (pdf)
St Teresa of Avila (video plus text)
Looking for Something Good