The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 7 - I am not a philosopher

 Someone said to me:

"As you would put it, ["Terrible Lie" by NIN] resonates with me.  Maybe not everyone has these moments in these, or have them as much as I do sometimes these days. I suppose the only difference now is not renouncing everything. You can take the person out of the Orthodox Church but you can't take the Orthodox Church out of them. Funny part is, unlike past protestant churches, I wouldn't want to anyway. I do actual reasons, and just like that high school girlfriend I totally had who lived in Vancouver, they do exist. All joking aside, there are real reasons but I'm not here to talk about that.

This is the kind of stuff going through my mind when I say I ain't gonna make it. The usual hellfire and fear of devils ready to punish you isn't what bothers me. We know that isn't even what happens anyway. For me, it's whether it is even worth trying now. We seek the life of the world to come but...is it worth what we gotta go through to be supposedly free from sin and whatnot? Believing and "knowing" things don't mean shit if you don't want to or can't bring yourself to do it. Even if you do, it can almost be arguably worse that doing nothing if you fuck it up enough. It doesn't matter how wrong or much it deviates or corrupts whatever you claim you're doing. The damage is already done and if you can't make it right, you better hope someone else can figure out how to fix the mess you've made."

So I have been thinking about this for the last couple of days. Listened to the song, with the words, again. And it’s deep. Songs like this touch that place inside of us where the anxiety and doubt live. “Bring Me To Life” by Evanescence does it for me.

I was trying to come up with something helpful and then I realized I had read something helpful recently by someone who has been doing this thing far longer than me — Steve Robinson. It’s a bit long but this part stuck with me:

“If any man be zealous and love God and become obsessed with the Church, and drove his priest nuts demanding to be let in NOW, if any have labored long in fasting and two hour prayer rules before you were even catechumens, and attended every service even with six kids from the first hour, then fell off the wagon at the third hour and went to the bar, then staggered to the job at the sixth hour but half-assed it and ended up taking a nap behind the J-John until the Ninth Hour, then decided to give it a go until the eleventh hour, then just gave up and threw in the towel and had the balls to ask for an advance on your paycheck just because you showed up again… the Lord, who is jealous of his honor, will accept it all, from the first flirtation, to the zealous pursuit, to the lapse in focus, to the falling asleep, to the half-assed attempt, to the well intentioned screw ups: He gives full recompense and rest unto all.” ~Staying Orthodox by Steve Robinson

The rest of the article is great too but this made me relax my shoulders from around my ears, unclench my jaw, and do a little wiggle of relaxation.

That being said, the below is ALL ME.

Let's face it...the OT is built on a foundation of war waged against Those Who Are Not Like Us, women-blaming, and literally the destruction and murder of other lands and people in the name of a war and thunder god of a relatively minor people group in Western Asia during a time when gods popped up like mushrooms after a rain.

The man Jesus called Christ (“the Anointed”) looked at that and said, “Nah, fam. We’re doing something different.” I believe he worked with what he had, the Torah and the Prophets and the Temple, and founded something entirely new because the character of the god in his parables is not that of a war-mongering, vengeful, jealous, bloodthirsty tyrant. The character of Christ’s god is the father of the prodigal son and the man who gets up out of his bed to give bread to his neighbor at midnight; the vaguely annoyed judge who gives in to the persistent old woman seeking justice and the rich man who forgives the debtor but serves justice when said debtor does not pay that forgiveness forward; the Samaritan who cares for the man beaten by thieves and the man with two sons.

And, as for hellfire and brimstone, well…Somewhere it says “absent from the body is present with the Lord” and “every knee shall bow”. To me this means that every being from Day One of all humanity's sentience/sapience, pre- and post-Resurrection, will stand before him, see that he/They are god and have the chance to acknowledge him/Them and be ushered in. (Interestingly enough, when Paul wrote that every knee would bow and every tongue praise God, he referenced Isaiah who used the word "swear" instead of "praise/confess" an change of phrase I find quite fascinating).

Because eternal conscious torment for all eternity based on a finite understanding and/or ignorance is neither just nor loving and that is not the character of the god described by Christ.

My chosen expression of worship has become more...eclectic...as time has moved on but I’ve chosen Christ (NOT Christianity; there is a difference and I am not a Christian regardless of the fact that I do my best to follow Christ) and when I want to be in a church I choose an Orthodox church with all of its rites and almost all of it's doctrines and dogmas. I know he/They are there. I am fairly certain he/They are also elsewhere because it says so in the Book, but as I am not familiar with other expressions, I am not going to go there. Literally and figuratively.

And then I run off and do my thing because I am not built for existential navel-gazing.

The upshot of this is as follows - either god is loving and just or they aren’t and their chosen physical expression of themselves was a lying liar or he was not.

Regardless, the prodigal son’s dad was pretty cool and this is where my brain went.

Relevant Reading
"Terrible Lie" by NIN
"Bring Me to Life"  by Evanescence
Staying Orthodox by Steve Robinson
Parable of the Prodigal Son
Parable of the Man in Bed
Parable of the Persistent Widow
Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
Parable of the Good Samaritan
2 Corinthians 5:1-8
Isaiah 45:23 and Romans 14:11 
The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 6

"..it is better to speak, remembering..."

 A Litany for Survival

For those of us who live at the shoreline 

standing upon the constant edges of decision 

crucial and alone 

for those of us who cannot indulge

the passing dreams of choice 

who love in doorways coming and going 

in the hours between dawns looking inward and outward 

at once before and after 

seeking a now that can breed 

futures 

like bread in our children’s mouths 

so their dreams will not reflect 

the death of ours; 

For those of us 

who were imprinted with fear 

like a faint line in the center of our foreheads 

learning to be afraid with our mother’s milk 

for by this weapon 

this illusion of some safety to be found 

the heavy-footed hoped to silence us 

For all of us 

this instant and this triumph 

We were never meant to survive. 

And when the sun rises we are afraid 

it might not remain 

when the sun sets we are afraid 

it might not rise in the morning 

when our stomachs are full we are afraid 

of indigestion 

when our stomachs are empty we are afraid 

we may never eat again 

when we are loved 

we are afraid 

love will vanish 

when we are alone we are afraid 

love will never return 

and when we speak we are afraid 

our words will not be heard 

nor welcomed 

but when we are silent 

we are still afraid 

So it is better to speak 

remembering 

we were never meant to survive. 

Copyright © 1978 by Audre Lorde, from The Collected Poems of Audre Lorde by Audre Lorde. Copyright © 1997 by the Audre Lorde Estate. Used by permission of W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.

Relevant Reading

A Litany for Survival

Audre Lorde

Bibliography

Confluence

Things are changing. And when things change there is always backlash from those who would like nothing better than to maintain the status quo. It doesn't matter why they want to maintain it but the main reason I believe is fear. 

Fear that they will no longer be in charge.

Fear of the "other".

Fear of the unknown.

Or just plain cowardice. 

Whatever it is however produces a visceral response that flails about with whatever tool or weapon to hand screaming, NO!! NO CHANGE! NEVER!! Sometimes those weapons are literal weapons. Sometimes words. 

Sometimes laws and policies enacted by politicians so corroded with injustice they don't even know what side they're on because they can't see their own hypocrisy.

And that fear butts against the tide of those demanding justice and change and it produces conflict. 

Upheaval. 

Confluence.

In geography, a confluence occurs where two or more flowing bodies of water join to form a single channel. A confluence can occur in several configurations: at the point where a tributary joins a larger river (main stem); or where two streams meet to become the source of a river of a new name (such as the confluence of the Monongahela and Allegheny rivers at Pittsburgh, forming the Ohio); or where two separated channels of a river (forming a river island) rejoin at the downstream end. ~ Wikipedia

Confluence of the Bhagirathi and Alaknanda Rivers to produce the Ganges at Devprayag, India. 

At the point of confluence you get two powerhouses crashing together to the point where one might think the waters will not mix. The surface of the rivers can literally run parallel for a while with one river color refusing to merge with the other. 

Beneath the surface though, things are riled up. Things long buried are stirred from the muck. the currents swirl and the light becomes murky and dim. As the riverbed becomes slightly shallower, the conflict underneath shows on top with swirls and waves and whitecaps. River ships must be very careful in these places because debris from the bottom rise and sink, rise and sink; currents change as the silt and sand slide and shift creating eddies and lulls and unexpected shoves. 

It's a maelstrom. 

But eventually the rivers do merge. The currents calm and the river flows on more peacefully, becoming wider, becoming deeper. Becoming something new.

And we who survive the confluence we will give that river a new name.

Relevant Reading

Wikipedia Entry

Photograph by Mark A. Wilson

Celebrate With Me!

won't you celebrate with me

what i have shaped into

a kind of life? 

i had no model.

born in babylon

both nonwhite and woman

what did i see to be except myself?

i made it up

here on this bridge between

starshine and clay,

my one hand holding tight

my other hand; come celebrate

with me that everyday

something has tried to kill me

and has failed.

"And. Has. Failed." 

That's the important part. 

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner, but not a failure. 

Relevant Reading

Lucille Clifton

Poems by Lucille Clifton

I Iz Vewwy Scawwy Pony

What is up, buttercups? It's been a couple years. Buuuut, in my defense, there's been fascists and nahtzee yt supremacists, insurrectionists, and a straight up panini-press* so I've been kind of busy. 

I've been doing some thinking lately. Wait, back up...I did something completely UNthinkingly that forced me to think. After, of course, I got over the sheer rage that was caused by what I had done by my own free will to myself.

....pardon me while I digress a bit, my brain is wonky from staring at too many Jira tickets....

Isn't it amazing how that works? That I can do something by choice and under no obligation or duress that makes me fly into a rage inside my own head? Like there is no one here to blame but myself for this. I worry about me sometimes...

Anyway...where was I? Oh yes...I did something to myself that made me think about how people are. So if you know me or have read my blog you know my story so I'm not going to re-hash all that. It's over out and done with and even though there are still some splinters that pop up now and then because that's the nature of the beast we call a brain.

Even if you decide to inflict said splinter on yourself. 

Moving forward.

I am a villain. The Bad Guy wearing the Black Hat and twirling my mustache, come to rain misery and despair over the blameless denizens of the land who are just trying to live their lives. I bathe in the blood of innocent kittens. I eat puppies. I am just this side of evil incarnate. I am consciously manipulative. I am a liar and a ringleader of flying liars bent on spreading lies. 

I am a hypocrite. 

I AM A MONSTER

HA! I wish I could pull all that off. But yeah, I'm the bad guy.

And, after some initial anger (read as RAGE, and cruel thoughts, and disbelief, and a whole heckuvalotta "HOW DARE YOU"s) you know what? I accepted it. I'm the Bad Guy in that story. I made decisions that affected the story of that person's life in ways they didn't like. It doesn't matter WHY I did it, what those decisions were in response to. In that person's story, I am the Bad Guy complete with  Black Hat ™. Possibly even an eye patch. I quite like the eye patch.

We are all The Bad Guy in someone's story, though. We craft for ourselves a reality centered on ourselves based on of the way we see the things we live through from day-to-day, moment-to-moment. Their memories are not mine. Their feelings are not mine. Their perspective is not mine. My perspective is not theirs. And they are no more "wrong" in their perception than I am in mine because frankly I cannot change how I am seen from someone else's point of view. In someone else's memory of an event.

And that is.

It.

Just.

Is.

Elsewhere I wrote:

This story is going to be different from whichever perspective you choose to look at it. Only by seeing all sides of a story can the truth ever be understood. This is the truth I lived with. I don't coat it with honey for anyone, least of all myself. Having more of it inflicted on me is nothing I am willing to bear any longer.

My journey is not about vengeance nor is it about seeking retribution. My journey is about me working out my salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). So look to your own salvation and I'll see to mine.

In one of my favorite books, Vigilant by James Alan Gardner, there is an organization that is dedicated to seeking out corruption in the government. Their motto is LIVE IN THE REAL AND NAME THE LIES. I aspire, however waveringly, however faultily, to live by it. I need to embroider it on a pillow.

Live in the Real - I am the Good Guy in my story. I may be the Bad Guy in the stories of those I touch.

Name the Lies - I am ALWAYS the Good Guy (or at least neutral) in the stories of those I touch.

Name the Lies - I need to change myself so that I show up as the Good Guy at all times in everyone's story.

Live in the Real - My actions are not always Divine, Generous, and Heroic. My actions are not always Demonic, Self-serving and Evil. And neither are anyone else's. 

Remember : This story is going to be different from whichever perspective you choose to look at it. 

We have all sinned. We have all played a the bad guy's role in someone's story. We have all hurt and been hurt. We have all treated each other, and ourselves, as things. And that, according to Granny Weatherwax, is where sin begins, when you treat people as things.

"In this life, many things happen in which we play a shameful part. Those of us who are strong forgive ourselves and go om. The weak wallow in they shame and allow it to devour them. There is no one of us who is without sin, child. There ought to be some comfort in that." ~ The Duchess, Through a Glass Darkly

Weirdly, it is kind of freeing to realize I am not always the Good Guy. It is equally freeing to realize I am not always the Bad Guy. 

Both truths exist. They are BOTH true.

They are both/and.

Both. And.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading 

We are all villains in someone else's story

You Will Always be a Villain in Someone Else's Story

Vigilant

Through A Glass Darkly

Romans 3:10-26

More of Granny Weatherwax's Wisdom

*Panini Press and any other multisylabbic word beginning with the letter "P" has been used to refer to the SARS-COV2/COVID-19 pandemic that has afflicted the world and caused several million yt folks to lose their cot-danged minds but that is a soap box for elsewhere

Can we extend forgiveness to black men?

I've been thinking about this a lot since reading about all these folks wanting to drag Michael Vick (again). I saw the articles about the petition and was like, "Didn't he go to jail for that already? What's this about?" I'm no huge football fan or anything but certain things stick out, you know?

So I totally get the disgust. Vick raised dogs to fight and encouraged others to do the same by running a dog fighting ring. That's horrible.

That was kind of a big deal. TWELVE YEARS AGO. In TWO THOUSAND AND SEVEN.

I just don't understand!

And it's not like he, oh I dunno...walked into a man's own home and blew him away or anything.

Yet for some reason the latter is granted forgiveness (and a hug, no less) before the former. Even though Vick has served time, done multiple speaking tours about the evils of dog fighting, and donated money to every animal charity under the sun. And, frankly, even though I love me some dogs and think dog fighting is horrific, I kind of think the latter is WAY worse than the former. Just my humble yet accurate opinion.

But certain folk will jump all over a bandwagon to forgive, or at least give a pass to, certain people for just about anything while at the same time holding certain others hostage to their past foibles. Never mind that they have paid for their crime, were very young, didn't know what they were doing, blah blah blah.

Now don't get me wrong. I do actually know the reason why. It's the same thing that causes folk, after a black person has been shot or assaulted by a white policeman or had the cops called on them for living theor lives, to say things like:

• what were they doing to make them shoot/call the police
• why didn't they just do as they were told/not do that
• why were they wearing that/living their life
• why were they black in a public space

It's maddening.

As the article says, no one is owed forgiveness. That is not a thing. It's the partiality I question. The blatant favoritism. Good Lord don't black men deserve the same consideration of others to rectify the situation, pay their dues, and go on? I'm not sure, but I think St. Paul said something about that and in the words of the article,

"So think of forgiveness this way-you’re able to do it with your uncle that says homophobic and racist things every Thanksgiving. You’re able to do it with the boyfriend who holds your head under the sheets and farts. You’re able to do it when a girl buries a baby alive or a woman comes into the home of a man and shoots him dead. Figure out what internally is causing you to hold back on allowing Black men to grow from their mistakes, not be caught up in their past, and live their lives."

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

#bloginstead #3daysinthewilds

Relevant Reading
It’s Time We Talk About America’s Inability To Forgive Black Men
2 Corinthians 2:5-11
Michael Vick Petition
Bad Newz Kennels dog fighting investigation

I See Willfully Ignorant People

Once upon a time, the world was very small. People could claim things about other people that were not true and folks were less likely to check to see that these things were true because it was too much effort or something to read a book and too scary to meet people who were different from them. Things like:

• All Black people riot© and are violent and stupid
• All "American Indians" are drunks
• All Muslims are inherently evil
• All Africans are poor and starving
• All Asian women are demure, delicate flowers and like being ordered around
• All Asian men are mathematical geniuses
• All Black women are loud, angry, welfare hoes
• All Black men are gang-bangers
• All Mexicans are drug dealers
• All people who speak Spanish are Mexican
• All British people are stiff, polite, and upstanding
• All Scientists are lying about their research to get more money
• All Teachers get a three month paid vacation
• Etc, etc, etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseam

Now, however, we have the ability to learn otherwise. We have this thing called the internet and we have Google and we have televisions and we still have books but now we have books that are narrated to you.

It's amazing the sheer number of ways and means we have the ability to get accurate information from...

And yet don't.

It's very sad. It's not supposed to be this way.

"When the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, and one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. “Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” He said to him, “’You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

Please note the Commandment includes using your mind and is, in Christ's own words, "the greatest and first commandment."

Use your brain. Or as my mother would say, "Use your head for something besides a hat-rack."

It's a commandment from the Lord.

Thanks just all to pieces.

Relevant Reading
Matthew 22:34-46

Lessons from Deep Space

I love Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Absolutely love it. For me, DS9 was the best of the Star Trek franchise in terms of acting, writing, and just telling a story. It gripped me time and again with every episode, even the silly ones. But one thing stayed with me even now, 25 years on, and that was the very first episode, Emissary. In it, the new commander of The Space Station Formerly Known as Terok Nor, Sisko, first encounters the wormhole aliens--entities that exist inside a stable wormhole that links the Alpha and Delta Quadrants of the Milky way.

The wormhole entities exist in a timeless state and do not uderstand corporeal beings who live “in time” so Sisko, in tried and true “seek out new life” manner, tries to explain it to them. However, the wormhole aliens, who are accessing his personal memories so they can interact with him by taking the form of people he knows -- his son, Jake, his wife, Jennifer, Captain Jean-Luc Picard-- can’t grasp the idea that humans (and other corporeal beings) live in a linear timeline because Sisko keeps returning to the scene of his wife’s death at the Battle of Wolf 359. He tries again and again but keeps returning in his memories to where he lost his wife. Accordingly, the  entities ask him, “Well if that is true, that you do live linearly, why do you exist in this place? At this time? In this moment?”

And that is when Sisko realizes that he does live, move, and have his being in that place, that time, that moment. Everything he does, every choice he makes arises from that time when he was so profoundly traumatised. He can't leave it. No, he won't leave it. He chooses to remain in that space with those fires and those alarms, and the horror of watching his wife die and being able to do nothing about it.

Understanding dawns and he realizes he is choosing to exist in that place. He is choosing to exist in that place. He is choosing to exist in that place.

It is not linear.

It is not growth.

It is his choice.

Spoiler alert: At the end of the episode, Sisko is beginning to make different choices. He begins to choose to live in a different place. The trauma is still there. The grief is not gone but he no longer chooses to exist, to live, move, and have his being in that place. He begins to heal.

I think we all have those places in ourselves. Individually and corporately. We get profoundly hurt and the trauma is real. It's Ground Zero. Our life looks like Mt. St. Helens blew up and took the very earth from beneath our feet, destroying and ruining the entire landscape of our being.

Borrowed from Del Tackett via Google Images

My Mt. St. Helens blew in my living room about a month ago, 2007. And I lived in that devastation there for YEARS. It was comfortable there, with all that nice sticky mud around me, conforming to my emotions but there was always something (someONE) telling me this is not how you are supposed to live. There isn't supposed to be ash and rubble everywhere ALL the time. The still pools of your spirit aren't supposed to be choked with regret, the rivers of your soul should flow, not continue to stagnate with death and destruction.

I had to choose to do the work that is necessary to NOT exist there.

It was hard work. It involved facing what I did, did not do, was not able to do as well as what was done to me.

It involved forgiveness of others and of myself.

It involved letting it go and letting it be.

It involved recognizing that the only person keeping me in that place, that time, that moment...Is me.

It's not easy to recognize that you are choosing to live in a place of destruction if you've lived there a long time. Humanity is successful because humanity is adaptable. We can adjust to live in just about any environment, including a toxic one of our own making. Defenses are erected, lookouts are posted for any sign of offense, real or imagined, and we settle into our bunker, our muddy foxhole and decide this is how it should be and damn the person who says, "Would you like me to help you move these dead trees and clear out this mud?"

It becomes the place where we exist. Where we live move and have our being. We like our dead trees and mud.

Letting go of that is one of the hardest things I ever did but the first step, saying to myself, "No I do not want to live here. I want to live a linear life. I want to move" was the best one. I revisit these places but on a vertical spiral. The spiral goes up--because I choose for it to go up. When I see the broken places from a higher place, I can see where I need to ask for help to fix them: that river is choked with mud, these busted trees are piled too high for light to shine on the saplings. And then the river flows and the trees grow and I go up again. When I see that space again I see something else that needs adjusting so that light can shine and water can move.

But it has to be a choice I make. No one can do it for me.

Relevant Reading
ST: DS9 - Emissary
ST: DS9 - Time is Linear, Pt2 (Youtube video)
You Choose to Exist Here: Reliving Deep Space Nine
Acts 17:26-28
How the Truth Sets You Free

Edited to add: I think the entire country is living in a place of trauma. I won't speculate on when the trauma occurred but what is happening now is a symptom of so many years of ignoring a huge festering wound where, whether we recognize it or not, we still collectively, exist--live, move, and have our being.

We need to move, collectively, to a better space or else nothing we do will change. We need to choose to not exist as a traumatized people.

Let It Be

When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be

And in my hour of darkness She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be...

(Beatles, Let It Be)

I read an article recently that spoke much to me about some of the "knots" I've been asking the Theotokos to untie for me.  Basically, let it be.

NOT "let it go". There is a difference. My life is not a Disney movie. I am no princess. Queen, maybe...but I digress.

Let it be. Let it be truth and joy and wisdom that I portray. Let it be mercy and grace. Exist in the way I know that God has told me to exist and things will be, in spite of me.

"Remember then from what you have fallen;
repent, and do the works you did at first."
~ Revelation 2:5 

"Remember God. Say your prayers. Go to church.

Forgive your brother. Obey the commandments."

~ Fr Thomas Hopko 

Why is this so freakin' hard?

Because I am a sinner. May God have mercy on me.

Relevant Reading
Revelation 2:2-7
"55 Maxims of the Christian Life" ~ Fr Thomas Hopko
How Do We Live in This World
Do All the Things

"...repent, and do the works you did at first"

"I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance. I know that you cannot tolerate evildoers; you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them to be false. I also know that you are enduring patiently and bearing up for the sake of my name, and that you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember then from what you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent."

~ Revelation 2:2-5

St Teresa of Avila

This reference came to me today after I had the overwhelming desire to re-read the Life of Teresa of Avila. St Teresa is one of my heroes and has been a signpost along the way many times in my journey heretofore. In fact, her works were the first mystical Christian writings I ever studied very nearly 20 years ago (!!!!!). I do not think this great saint and friend of God would steer me wrong. So I am starting over with the works I did at first.

I seem to be on a plateau, wandering round and round, looking for a way up or off. I'm not sure what precisely I am looking for and that is okay. I know I am Looking for Something Good and God has always given me good things when I actively sought Him. Which is of course the rub. I have not actively sought Him in a long long time. I know I am just going through the motions.

In her Life, St Teresa says the evil one always makes us think it is more humble to NOT pray, NOT seek God, NOT commune with Him. That by hovering at the back of the audience chamber, or even not even coming into the the chamber, let alone approaching the throne, I am somehow proving how humble I am. How silly is that? But this is what I have been doing.

So I am starting over from the beginning. I am repenting and doing what I did at first. When you are lost you have to retrace your steps, right? Because just sitting here isn't going to make me any less lost.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Revelation 2:2-7
The Life of St Teresa of Avila (pdf)
St Teresa of Avila (video plus text)
Looking for Something Good

Nostalgia

So I am in a town I have not been in since 2007. It's a very weird feeling.

I took a brief spin around town to pass by places I used to go or stay. Places where I have memories good, bad, and indifferent. Places I am no longer welcome through no fault of my own. It's kind of strange, seeing this place through eyes that have changed so much. Melancholy. Bittersweet. Especially considering the reason why I am here.

"What has happened has happened – it is in the past. Just keep on going, all the while asking for help from God."
~Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner, and make the memory of Your handmaiden, Norma Jean, eternal.

Relevant Reading
Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica
Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives

Wisdom...Let Us Attend

Some fiction books that have affected me (I've read a lot more than 10 fiction books in my lifetime, and during this last year, but these came to mind and the quotes are some of the wisdom I drew from that book):

1. Kushiel's Dart "That which yields is not always weak."
2. The Destroyer Goddess "Impetuous acts and ungoverned passions always cost too much and should never be indulged."
3. Eon Incompetence is inexcusable because it can be remedied.
4. The Sharing Knife: Horizon Don't let fear swallow all your happiness. Don't forget to take joy.
5. Fool's Errand "You should leave off sniffing the carcass of your old life...There is no shame in walking away from bones...nor is there any special wisdom in injuring yourself over and over."
6. Lover Revealed She might not have any clue who she was, but better to be lost and searching than shoved into a social box by someone else.
7. Shalador's Lady Don't fail until you fail.
8. The Broken Kingdoms It's all right to need help. All of us have things we can't do alone.
9. Raven Calls There isn't a day in the year that someone doesn't hold high...There is always a reason to give thanks to God, always a good reason to worship.
10. Aristoi "You are insuffiently serious." "On the contrary. I am quite serious. I am, however, never solemn."
11. Parable of the Sower "Respect God: Pray working. Pray learning, planning, doing. Pray creating, teaching, reaching. Pray working. Pray to focus your thoughts, still your fears, strengthen your purpose. Respect God. Shape God. Pray working."
12. Sourcery “It's vital to remember who you really are. It's very important. It isn't a good idea to rely on other people or things to do it for you, you see. They always get it wrong.”

There are so many more. I could spend the next several hours simply writing down all the wisdom I have gained from fiction books, specifically science fiction and fantasy.

Respect God. Pray working.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.

Creaky Muscles

I've been rather slack about writing the past few months. I mean things have shifted in a big way for me and life has gotten a boatload more comfortable which goes a long way toward relieving my angst about...A lot. So my past reason for writing, namely getting the crap out of my brain and trying to move forward with my life. So now after almost a decade I've finally found my stride and so my reason for writing is in flux.

I need to write. I've been writing since I was a child and I need to write just as much as I need to read, I mean, breathe.

The muscles are creaky though. Writing is a skill like any other and needs to be exercised and practiced regularly. The fact that I haven't means I need to exercise, stretch those muscles again and get started in a real way.

Again.

May God have mercy on me, a sinner.

[I just re-read this, That first paragraph is a hot mess. That's what I get for typing and not editing. LOL!]

Cognitive Dissonance

I have a problem. Or perhaps it's not a problem. I dunno. I only know that I am too tired to deal with my brain right now.

I love science but sometimes when I watch/listen to non-fiction science/biology documentaries or books I experience a lot of cognitive dissonance about my entire life. I feel like a deer in headlights because I know and understand both my faith and science to be true but it's hard to reconcile them or even let them run orthogonally in my head. And then I get...irritable because I feel like I'm betraying one by accepting the other.

I am the same politically. I have the lamentable ability to see the facets of various hot-button issues as being on a scale of validity that kind of forces me to walk a tightrope. I have no problems arguing for (or against) any angle (except abject idiocy and/or insane behavior). I am by nature very conservative but some Republican/Right leaning policy/advocacy is just as disgusting to me as a lot of Democratic/Left leaning policy/advocacy.

And let's just not get started on the incestuous nature of religion and politics in this country. Sometimes after hearing some of the advocates (from BOTH sides of the aisle) go on and on about God this and Jesus that, I just really want to take a shower. You cannot proclaim Christ without following the tenets He and the Apostles and their disciples taught. Likeswise, you also cannot proclaim Christ and refuse to DO what He and the Apostles and their disciples taught .

I know I said that twice. Conservatives and Liberals need to take note. It's not a frakkin' buffet, y'all. You cannot advocate some of the New Testament and not acknowledge the other part as equally valid and advocate against those. If you do you're as big a hypocrite as I am. And that's pretty damn huge. All these pet "Jesus said" issues get on my nerves.

Sorry...Bit of a soap box there. I'll get down now.

Of course then my next plan is to go find more information about the things that are bugging me...And my brain starts to hurt. There is no end to the data that is out there on any given subject. Data, opinion, interpretation...You name it it's out there and it. Does. Not. Help. In fact it really makes things worse because by the time it's done I just want to smack people for being stupid.

All of these things make it hard for me to put up with a lot of the more, ah, hmm...I'm going to go with "zealous" as opposed to "rabid"....people in this land. But they also make it hard for me inside my own head. Especially when something that is true butts up against my understanding of something else which is also true.

So then I kind of back into a corner, erect a barricade of pillows and My Little Pony memes and hide under a blanket with lots of books, sugar and wine because I just can't handle it anymore.

There has got to be a better way to deal with this but right now prayer, church, ponies, urban fantasy, documentaries, and wine seem to be getting me through. Particularly the wine.

I'd like to not have to deal with my own brain sometimes. I really would.

God only knows what it is.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
What is Cognitive Dissonance

Of These Things I Am Sure

My mother would be proud of me. My father is proud of me. Christ is risen from the dead, trampling down death by death and upon those in the tombs, He has bestowed His light. And St Joseph the Betrothed of the Theotokos, foster father of God, prays on my behalf.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son Of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

A Bit of Omphaloskepsis

A lot of things have run through my mind since I last posted. I've been jotting things down that I intend to blog about but never get around to. So here is the list. Maybe once I see it in print (so to speak) my brain will congeal it into a cohesive whole. Or it could just be an elaborate exercise in navel-gazing. I'm not sure why some of them are in all caps but I'm sure there was a reason at the time. Most of these, IIRC, I jotted down as I was brushing my teeth, or in the middle of the night, or even while driving (yeah, I do that) or something random like that.

Anyway, regardless of how it hit the tracks....I give you my train of thought:

• "But be doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves." ~ James 1:22
• "You do well if you really fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’ But if you show partiality, you commit sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it." ~ James 2:8-10
• "Anyone, then, who knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, commits sin." ~ James 4:17
• Ask for love. Pray to God to give you love
• DO THIS AND YOU WILL LIVE 
• "Do not ask for anything except love." ~ St Basil
• "I don't revere a God who blames someone for their fear. I revere a God who abhors lies." Janek, Poison Fruit 
• God's will
• God's will is always good
• God's will is always for our salvation
• God's will is for the salvation of the ENTIRE world
• God's will is that we be saved TOGETHER
• God's will is for His ENTIRE PEOPLE AS A WHOLE not as discrete parts
• Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven
• God's will is Always GOOD
• God's will works good for ALL those who believe
• God's will is good in ALL circumstances
• God's will is bigger than one individual
• "In order to be submitted to God and do His will in the moment, especially in difficult times, we must first be practicing the remembrance of God in our lives." ~ Mother Dorothea, St Xenia Skete
• Repent = Rethink 
• "Pissed off is not the same as well armed." Eli Younger, Blood Trade
• "Fight always with your thoughts and call them back when they wander away, God does not demand of those under obedience that their thoughts be totally undistracted when they pray. And do not lose heart when your thoughts are stolen away. Just remain calm, and constantly call your mind back."~ St John Climacus
• "The recollection (or remembrance) of God is mentally standing before God in the heart...the soul must force itself to persevere and to toil. Work, making every effort to attain the unceasing remembrance of God, and God, seeing how fervently you desire it will give you this constant remembrance of Himself...To keep the mind and heart turned towards God and directed towards him...this is already prayer." ~ St Theophan the Recluse
• St Joseph, pray to God for me, a sinner!
• "I took for my advocate and comforter the glorious Saint Joseph, and commended myself fervently to him;… His aid has brought me more good than I ever desired to receive from him. ...I am quite amazed at the great favors Our Lord has given me, and the many dangers, both of soul and body, from which He has delivered me through the intercession of this blessed saint!...To other saints Our Lord seems to have given the power to succor us in some special necessity — but to this glorious saint, I know by experience, He has given the power to help us in all. Our Lord would have us understand that as He was subject to St. Joseph on earth — for St. Joseph, bearing the title of father and being His guardian, could command Him — so now in Heaven Our Lord grants all his petitions." ~ St Teresa of Avila
• Listen to me! Do but listen to me and let that be your consolation to me. Let me have my say!" ~ Job 21:1-2

So this is some of the wool I have gathered over the past few weeks. Now that it is all in one place and not spread over innumerable sticky notes, notepads, backs of envelopes, and random sheers of paper maybe I can make something out of it. Or not.

Lord have mercy on me...an absentminded sinner.

Feminist? No, thank you

So folks keep telling me I need to be/must be/shouldn't be/can't be/ought to be a feminist. Frankly, I'm not fond of the word because of the baggage it carries. I find it incredible that the most vocal adherents of a philosophy that idolizes "choice" so much seek to revile and deny the choices others make when they don't tow the party line.

Just my opinion. Your mileage may vary. But please do not insult my intelligence by telling me that doesn't happen because it SO does. Thanks.

I am re-reading Brandon Sanderson's book, Words of Radiance, second book in the Stormlight Archive series, and I tripped over this quote once again. I think it more fully defines my position. You can call it feminist if you want to give it a label. I won't accept that label myself but you can call this snippet that if you want to. I really don't care. Frankly however, until all   women respect one another's choices, support them and treat one another gently without reviling and disrespecting one another, they can all go kick rocks as far as I am concerned.

"What is a woman's place in this modern world?" Jasna Kholin's words read. "I rebel against this question, though so many of my peers ask it. The inherent bias in the inquiry seems invisible to so many of them....I say that there is no role for women--there is, instead, a role for each woman, and she must make it for herself....Do not mistake me in assuming I value one woman's role above another. My point is not to stratify our society--we have done that far too well already--my point is to diversify our discourse. A woman's strength should not be in her role, whatever she chooses it to be, but in the power to choose that role. It is amazing to me that I even have to make this point, as I see it as the very foundation of our conversation."
~ Jasna Kholin, Words of Radiance, p772

Lord have mercy upon me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Words of Radiance
Jasna Kholin
Conservative Feminists Flip the War on Women

Funambulating Through the Feathergrass*

I often find it disconcerting to discover that otherwise intelligent, well-read, and well-spoken people find it nigh on impossible to hold opposing views (sometimes fiercely opposing views) in their mind without feeling as though they are being traitorous to something and therefore they have to hug their side to them as if someone was trying to steal it.

For example, in a recent conversation/debate I had with a friend regarding a blog post I agreed with, it was made clear to me that the fact that I believe a certain subset of a particular people group should be defended and allowed to exist automatically means I think another people group should not exist and not be defended and therefore my entire belief system should be cast in doubt. In another conversation I had, the fact that I think a certain subset of another people group should be given monetary support before another subset, automatically means I hate said second subset and thus, my entire belief system should be cast in doubt. Why? Because it's obvious! After all if A = B but if C then definitely NOT A. DUH!

That doesn't even make sense to me. The so-called logic of "if A = B but if C then Not A" (or however you write it) is inherently false because the person making the assumption of "if C then Not A" simply does not have enough information to make that call. And in one case, had false information provided by only one side of the multi-sided issue at hand.

That's where the ability to funambulate comes in. Funambulation, or tightwire walking, "is the art of maintaining balance while walking along a tensioned wire between two points." (Wikipedia). The operative phrase in that sentence is maintaining balance and the operative word is tension/ed.

When you look at the definition of funambulism, however, there are other forms of the art. Relevant here is slacklining. In slacklining, "the line is not held rigidly taut; it is instead dynamic, stretching and bouncing like a long and narrow trampoline."(Wikipedia) Slacklining comes in two forms, freestyle and traditional. Freestyle slacklining (see video below) uses a nylon rope that "has little tension in it (relative to the weight of the performer,) while both traditional slacklines and tightropes are tensioned. The slackness in the rope or webbing allows it to swing at large amplitudes and adds a different dynamic to the art" (Wikipedia).


Again, however, there is tension in the line and the artist must maintain his balance. Otherwise he'll hit the ground between the two points.

There is one other thing about both tight and slack wire walking that is intrinsic to both but not part of the formal (or as formal as one can get with Wikipedia) definition. Have you spotted it yet?

Intrinsic to all forms of funambulation is the need to leave the poles.

Nothing happens until you leave the poles. If you hold on to the poles like someone is trying to steal them from you nothing happens. No dancing, no bouncing, no nothing (and yes I know it's a double negative, get over it you pedants). Definitely no change. If you insist that "if C then NOT A" there will never be any change, just a bunch of  As and Bs yelling foul things at each other. Too many people are hovering around the poles. It's getting crowded and loud. And pretty damned ugly.

The middle of the rope is the only place where action happens. Unfortunately for some people, it's almost as if the very possibility of acknowledging that something they disagree/agree with might be equally good/bad as its opposing viewpoint is akin to boiling puppies alive in the backyard. I really just do not get that.

Aristotle (and my mother) said that it is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. Without integrating it into my psyche but giving it the thought and consideration it deserves simply because another human being has it. That is also the definition of tolerance. You don't have to tolerate something you already agree with but you DO have to tolerate things you do not agree with. That's what the word means. And you have to give the people who hold those views as much consideration and courtesy as you would like them to extend to you. Tolerance does not mean "we all believe the same thing". That's just stupid and if you are offended by the fact that I said the word stupid in concert with this concept of "tolerance" you probably don't need to read my blog because you are going to be offended on a regular basis. Fair warning.

In the Sermon on the Mount, and in His conversations with the Scribes and Lawyers of the Temple, Christ said two things. First, "Do to others as you would have them do to you...Love your enemies, do good and lend [to them] expecting nothing" (insert mine, extrapolated from the text) and also,

One of the scribes...asked him, ‘Which commandment is the first of all?’ Jesus answered, ‘The first is, “Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one;you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.”The second is this, “You shall love your neighbour as yourself.” There is no other commandment greater than these. Then the scribe said to him, ‘You are right, Teacher; you have truly said that “he is one, and besides him there is no other”; and “to love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the strength”, and “to love one’s neighbour as oneself”,—this is much more important than all whole burnt-offerings and sacrifices.’" 

Basically, if I want my point of view heard and seriously considered, I FIRST need to do that to my neighbor--and my neighbor might be someone whom I disagree with with all my heart, strength, and mind. St John said, "Those who say, ‘I love God’, and hate their brothers or sisters, are liars; for those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have seen, cannot love God whom they have not seen. The commandment we have from him is this: those who love God must love their brothers and sisters also." But he prefaced it with,

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love."

You can not maintain that balance in the middle of the rope between two opposing views held by people God loves without loving them, too. And if you do not love them how can you say you love God?

You cannot. You cannot make an idol out of your pole. If you do you have forfeited your love of God for a hot mess o'pottage because of your fear. And there are over 300 commands to "Fear Not" in the Bible. Commands. Not suggestions. You cannot fear your neighbor and love them at the same time. You can only do one or the other and one of those things leads to idolatry and worse.

So this is how you maintain that balance. You love God with all your heart, and with all your mind, and all your stregnth...And you love your neighbor as you love yourself.

And have faith.

Brian Mosbaugh takes a breather as he crosses the high line about 850 metres above Rio 

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Wikipedia entry: Funambulism
Luke 6:31
Luke 6:35
Mark 12:28-34
1 John 4:18, 20-21
Funzug.com: Highwire Adrenaline Junkies

*The original title of this post was Tightwiring Through the Tulips...But I hate tulips.

Do You Trust God? Prolly Not.

We had a celebrity of sorts as guest priest at church. Fr Joseph Honeycutt is "a priest of the Antiochian Archdiocese, is the Dean of the East Texas Deanery in the Diocese of Wichita and Mid-America and the Pastor of St Joseph Orthodox Church in Houston, Texas." He's a good friend of Fr Nicholas' and he visits All Saints fairly often. Sometimes he delivers the homily. Yesterday was one of those days. Fr Joseph's topic was trusting God, based on the text for yesterday, Matthew 9:1-8 but also drawing from the previous two Sundays' readings in Matthew, 8:5-13 and 8:28-34.

He opened with this question, "Do you trust God?"

Seeing as I was sitting in the choir section at church and pretty much kinda sorta had to be honest, I think my answer is, "Not all the time." And this in spite of all the random crap, self-inflicted and otherwise, that He has brought me through.

Ungrateful much? Yeah.

I think the hard part about that trusting God thing (aka "faith") is that we get all sorts of screwy messages from outside. Some folks like to say having faith in God means that He's going to wave a magic wand and give you health, wealth, and happiness all the days of your life. They say this in spite of all the Biblical evidence to the contrary, by the way, but they do say it. Then when life happens (and it does, unless you are dead) and that mountain you've been speaking to doesn't hurl itself in to the sea but rather falls on your head, they tell you your faith was "obviously not strong enough" or that you must have some "hidden sin" that prevented God from doing what your faith was supposed to make Him do.

Recipe for loss of faith right there by the way.

That isn't what faith is. It's not a way to force God to do anything because, just as He honors our free will, our faith proves that we honor His. Salvation is a symbiotic relationship. We work with Him. He doesn't work for us. Working with Him means realizing that His will is not only pre-eminent and omniscient, but benevolent towards those of us who have faith regardless of what it looks like.

A lot of the time His benevolent will looks like this:

Christ carrying His Cross

It's hard and it's painful and it leads to something that is awful.

How awful?

Pretty damn.

But on the other side of that pretty damn awful something is my salvation, which is worth so much more than any fleet of Jaguars, exclusive neighborhoods, and designer suits I could ever think about owning, wearing, or living in. What the heck is my trust in a Jaguar going to get me? Not a lot, but trust in God, true faith, brings salvation of my eternal soul.

Christ healing the paralytic
 http://www.icons.dumitrunicusor.com

I know for a fact though, that I am weak in this area. I mean really, truly smaller than a mustard seed with that issue here. That is when the Church steps up and becomes the Great Ark of Salvation, carrying me along on the prayers and faith of others until I can do it, too. This is what the Church is for: to remind us to trust God by providing that trust through the faith of others on our behalf. Christ sees the faith of those who carry me to Him when I am weak and heals me.

Christ healing the Centurion's servant
http://www.icons.dumitrunicusor.com

Then He sends me to do my part in the Ark. Finding out about and telling Him about those who are too weak to come to Him on their own, as the Roman Centurion did, as the friends of the paralytic did. It's not just because of that person's faith by itself or because of my own faith by itself, but because He sees the faith of the ARK, of the Church, and helps that person's weakness on all of our behalf. Faith is something you can see by the way. It's not some amorphous something that is indefinite. Faith is proven by what you DO. Faith without works is dead. It's totally in the Bible.

This is why Orthodox pray "through the prayers of the Theotokos" or "through the prayers of the Holy Fathers". Their prayers avail much. They are still in the Ark, still carrying us all along with them. They have achieved what we wish to achieve and they are part of this great journey to God. I do not have to find salvation by myself. That's silly. My path is my own but I am not walking it alone. The light shines on my way through the prayers of all those who are here with me and all those who have gone ahead.

So why do I lose my trust in God's benevolent will? Or not have any at all at times?

Honest and for true? Because I keep wanting my own way, and my own stuff, in my own time. And that is not faith in God. It is idolatry. Idols, however, are not alive. They can't do anything because, frankly, they aren't living and have no power to affect anything. That idol of myself as ruler of what amounts to a teeny tiny speck that is not even a dot on the grand scale of the universe is about as effectual as a sieve against the tide. Less so.

When I get into the Ark though, and join in the prayers of my fellow sailors, we can plow through the tide together with Christ at the helm.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Orthodixie
Matthew 8:5-13
Matthew 8:28-34
Matthew 9:1-8

Mother Thekla’s Letter To A New Convert

Mother Thekla, who died on Aug. 7, 2011 at aged 93, was the last surviving nun to have occupied the enclosed Orthodox Monastery of the Assumption in North Yorkshire, but became better known to the wider world as the spiritual muse of the composer Sir John Tavener. Mother Thekla wrote the following letter in 2009, when she was 91 years old. You can read more about her here.

Dear “John”,

I understand that you are on the way to becoming Orthodox. I know nothing about you, beyond the fact that you are English.

Before we go any further, there is one point I should make clear. I have not been told why you are about to convert, but I assure you there is no point whatsoever if it is for negative reasons. You will find as much “wrong” (if not more) in Orthodoxy as in the Anglican or Roman Churches.

So – the first point is, are you prepared to face lies, hypocrisy, evil and all the rest, just as much in Orthodoxy as in any other religion or denomination?

Are you expecting a kind of earthly paradise with plenty of incense and the right kind of music?

Do you expect to go straight to heaven if you cross yourself slowly, pompously and in the correct form from the right side?

Have you a cookery book with all the authentic Russian recipes for Easter festivities?

Are you an expert in kissing three times on every possible or improper occasion?

Can you prostrate elegantly without dropping a variety of stationery out of your pockets?

OR…..

Have you read the Gospels?

Have you faced Christ crucified? In the spirit have you attended the Last Supper – the meaning of Holy Communion?

AND….

Are you prepared, in all humility, to understand that you will never, in this life, know beyond Faith; that Faith means accepting the Truth without proof. Faith and knowledge are the ultimate contradiction –and the ultimate absorption into each other.

Living Orthodoxy is based on paradox, which is carried on into worship – private or public.

We know because we believe and we believe because we know.

Above all, are you prepared to accept all things as from God?

If we are meant, always, to be “happy”, why the Crucifixion? Are you prepared, whatever happens, to believe that somewhere, somehow, it must make sense? That does not mean passive endurance, but it means constant vigilance, listening, for what is demanded; and above all, Love.

Poor, old, sick, to our last breath, we can love. Not sentimental nonsense so often confused with love, but the love of sacrifice – inner crucifixion of greed, envy, pride.

And never confuse love with sentimentality.

And never confuse worship with affectation.

Be humble – love, even when it is difficult. Not sentimental so called love – And do not treat church worship as a theatrical performance!

I hope that some of this makes sense,

With my best wishes,
Mother Thekla
(sometime Abbess of the Monastery of the Assumption, Normanby)

Relevant Reading
Mother Thekla’s Letter To A New Convert