So I feel a lot like something the cat left behind.
This, in spite of a
long overdue visit from my son's godmother and my "kumbaya" (my own little interpretation of the Greek word "
koumbara"). We've talked and hung out and re-established how comfortable we are with each other and just generally loved on each other as the long separated sister-friends we are. I am so glad she was able to be here for the last couple of days. I didn't know how much I missed her until she drove into the driveway and got out of the car.
Regardless of the happy-happy-joy-joy, though, I feel like last week's lunch on a broken hotplate tonight.
It is not something I am not used to. I mean, it's not new per se. I've had
the diagnosis since 2011 but it seemed to get better after my surgery in the fall of that year. Things look like they have morphed, however.
The random, sharp, electric shock type feelings up my spine have been going on for too many days now. Maybe a week? In the past, those shocky feelings have always been the precursor to a flare but right now nothing has happened and the shocks go on. I don't like it. It's kind of scary.
Why? Well, I keep thinking it's (a) just building to The Mother of All Flares and I am going to end up physically tied in very painful knots for the next decade or so once it hits or (b) I'm just going to tase myself for the rest of my life.
Either one would seriously suck sweaty, hairy, monkey balls. (Yeah, I said it. Meant it too.)
Meanwhile, Great Lent is almost upon us. Next Monday in fact. I was kind of hoping that this Lent would be less...exciting? No...Less laborious? HA!! Yeah right, pull the other one, it's got bells on. Hmm...Easier. Hehehe! I kill me. Nope, not gonna happen.
That's the point though, right? It's not easy. Salvation is no more "free" than is freedom. We aren't expected to make a trip down some aisle, mutter a prayer, and
POOF! Fire Insurance! That's not how it works. Once we receive salvation through water baptism (
Matthew 28:19-20 and
Acts 2:37-39), God has stuff for us to DO. (
Ephesians 2:8-10) We are expected to
work out our salvation in fear and trembling (
Philippians 2:12-18)
and not complain all the time. I mean, remember the Israelites? They kvetched about
everything (this verse just one of MANY places they fussed about, well, everything! The Book of Numbers is practically just a list of all the complaining they did.) I honestly think the interminable complaining about everything under the blessed sun by the Israelites to Moses is one of the major reasons that verse is even in there. Think about it!
So yes, Great Lent is supposed to be hard. Why? So that by the time the stone is rolled away at Pascha, and Father pounds on the doors crying, "Lift up your heads, O gates! And be exalted, you everlasting doors! That the King of Glory may enter in!" (
Paschal Matins) we know deep in our hearts that there is no way we can do ANY of what He has planned for us to do BY OURSELVES. We must be in Him. Our lives must be His and He must live through us. That is the only way to do ANYTHING. (
Galatians 2:16,
19-21 and
John 15:1-11).
I know this. I know it deep in my bones.
Today, however, my bones ache, shocks are running up and down my spine, my snark levels are at an all time high while my patience is plumbing new depths. Still I try to remember that greater men and women than myself have endured so much more pain and privation than I ever have or will, and they never lost their faith.
St. Nektarios wrote to the nuns at Aegina:
Do not be frightened. The overseeing eye of the Lord has not looked away...The Lady Theotokos will intercede once again. She will intercede to her omnipotent Son....Do not be troubled. Just continue your penance and every good work, with an attitude of happiness and optimism. We believe in a living perfect God. If He allows tribulations, it is for the salvation of our souls, of this you can be sure. Return to your duties of virtue and to the special ministries you have undertaken, always keeping in mind the great Paul and Silas who suffered so greatly inside prison. So let us chant as they did, continuously praising our benefactor as they did that historic night...
~ Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p220, 223
And also:
The evil one does not care to what extent the human soul can endure torments, plots against it, and slander. When given permission [Job 1:6-12 and 2:1-6] to test the soul, he falls on his victim like a wild hungry vulture, taking pleasure in thrusting his nails in the backs of its unsuspecting victims.
~Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p219
I think he might know what he's talking about. What with being a saint and all. So I will spend this Lent staying true to my marching orders in spite of how I feel physically. I will read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, go back to reading and praying, take
the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, and go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I can bear a few shocks or even the Flare to End All Flares if I also bear in mind that the gates shall lift up their heads and the everlasting doors will be exalted. He is the King of Glory and His power is made perfect in my weakness, so I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong. (
2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
Lord have mercy on me a sinner
Relevant Reading
The Orthopraxis of Godparents in the Orthodox Church
Fibromyalgia
National Invisible Chronic Illness Week: How My Illness Affects My Morning
The Spoon Theory
The Gift of Suffering
