When I Cried for Help, the Lord Heard, and Rescued Me From ALL My Troubles

Then Raphael called the two of them privately and said to them, "Bless God and acknowledge him in the presence of all the living for the good things he has done for you. Bless and sing praise to his name. With fitting honour declare to all people the deeds of God. Do not be slow to acknowledge him. It is good to conceal the secret of a king, but to acknowledge and reveal the works of God, and with fitting honour to acknowledge him. Do good, and evil will not overtake you. Prayer with fasting is good, but better than both is almsgiving with righteousness. A little with righteousness is better than wealth with wrongdoing. It is better to give alms than to lay up gold. For almsgiving saves from death and purges away every sin. Those who give alms will enjoy a full life, but those who commit sin and do wrong are their own worst enemies."

~ St. Raphael the Archangel, Tobit 12:6-10

As 2014 comes to a close I think I am going to take this as my advice for the new year. This year has flat out sucked at times. Like a Dyson. I mean seriously. My "Head Librarian" for 75% of the year was a Napoleonic termagent with delusions of grandeur and all the tact and refinement of a New York taxi driver but then I got laid off from the job that was not only part time but paid peanuts. My car is a hot mess, and don't talk to me about the hole I am in financially due to some choices SO not of my own making, More than once this year I had to choose between being medicated and feeding my kid or eating and having lights, water, and heat. You talk about robbing Peter to pay Paul and lying to Mary about the check in the mail? I didn't even bother. What was the point? I just told the collectors I didn't have the money and I'd get it to them when I did, and if they didn't stop asking me dumb questions I was going to stop answering the phone.

But then I look back and I see that whenever there was a difficulty...There was a way out. My church and priest came through for me on so many occasions. There is nothing like being part of a church that truly believes that they cannot say to the poor, "Go in peace, be warm, eat your fill" (James 2:15-17) without helping them, practically, with the means to do so.

At my job, I had so many coworkers and students who made my day joyful and bright that, Napoleonic termagent or no, I loved to go to work. For the first time in my entire twenty-five years of working, I did not go to bed thinking up ways not to go to work.

After I was laid off, I had time to think, pray, and plan. In that time I had the opportunity to take a (finanically inadequate) position in my home state. After some consultation with some of the wisest folks I know, I was determined to stay where I am. Why? Because this is where I truly believe God wants me. My son is here. My church is here. And as much as I love my blood family, the family I chose is here. So, in faith, I trusted God and turned down what seemed like the only port in a storm that had raged for the last seven years.

Then I met St Joseph. Again. A few years ago, after being sincerely disillusioned by the evProtestant church, I was on my journey to find my spiritual home. At the time, I was considering Roman Catholicism (and I still have a great fondness for several saints of the RC church because they pointed me East to Orthodoxy, but that is another blog post) and I was in dire straits at home. I asked, for the first time, the help of St Joseph and he came through like a champ. During the past few months, I read over and over the words of other saints who took St Joseph as their "advocate and comforter". To quote St Teresa of Avila,

"His aid has brought me more good than I ever desired to receive from him. ...I am quite amazed at the great favors Our Lord has given me, and the many dangers, both of soul and body, from which He has delivered me through the intercession of this blessed saint! 

I had heeded the advice of St Teresa in the past but now both she and St Faustina, whose Diary I read during this time, pointed me toward the foster-father of Our Lord.

And once again, St Joseph's prayers availed much. Within a week of my first prayer asking for his intercession on my behalf, I ran into an old classmate who told me about a position where he was working and that they were in need of help. I applied and a few weeks later I had the interview and today I have a job that pays so miuch more than I ever thought I would earn. It more than doubles the salary at my old position, and is almost twice as much as the job I turned down. My manager is a decent human being who understands that  you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and my co-workers are just a fun a group as the ones I left.

Because of this position I will be able not only to repay my church, not because I "owe" them or because of a debt hanging over my head, but because I know how important it is for that well to remain as full as possible so that others can benefit from the practical as well as the spiritual help Fr N and All Saints can provide for them.

And now I will be able to give alms. It has been a pain to me to not be able to give to those I see who are in need. I have had so many friends who gave me money, paid a bill, put gas in my car, fixed my car, fed me, bought my meds...Whatever. They did not ask for repayment but now that I can I will and I will also be able to pay it forward in the little ways that help a person get by from day to day.

On top of all that, another blessing in disguise was given to me. It was wrapped in what felt at the time like yet another attempt to take something away from me but now, looking back, I see that it was another answered prayer. I asked a long time ago for my freedom and to be left alone. And now I have received this and it is a load off that I never realized I was carrying. I can only thank God for His infinite wisdom in this particular thing.

I. AM. FREE.

I will bless the Lord at all times;
   his praise shall continually be in my mouth. 
My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
   let the humble hear and be glad. 
O magnify the Lord with me,
   and let us exalt his name together. 
I sought the Lord, and he answered me,
   and delivered me from all my fears. 
Look to him, and be radiant;
   so your* faces shall never be ashamed. 
This poor soul cried, and was heard by the Lord,
   and was saved from every trouble. 
The angel of the Lord encamps
   around those who fear him, and delivers them. 
O taste and see that the Lord is good;
   happy are those who take refuge in him. 
O fear the Lord, you his holy ones,
   for those who fear him have no want. 
The young lions suffer want and hunger,
   but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. 
Come, O children, listen to me;
   I will teach you the fear of the Lord. 
Which of you desires life,
   and covets many days to enjoy good? 
Keep your tongue from evil,
   and your lips from speaking deceit. 
Depart from evil, and do good;
   seek peace, and pursue it. 
The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
   and his ears are open to their cry. 
The face of the Lord is against evildoers,
   to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth. 
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears,
   and rescues them from all their troubles. 
The Lord is near to the broken-hearted,
   and saves the crushed in spirit. 
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
   but the Lord rescues them from them all. 
He keeps all their bones;
   not one of them will be broken. 
Evil brings death to the wicked,
   and those who hate the righteous will be condemned. 
The Lord redeems the life of his servants;
   none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.
~Psalm 34

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, please continue to have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading 
The Book of Tobit
Tobit 12:6-10
Archangel Raphael and the Book of Tobit
James 2:15-17
A Prayer for Divine Mercy

Freedom

There are times when we are set free and do not even know it. In fact, we kick and scream and fight to be free...and yet are. We protest against the very thing we want and never see it for the blessing it is. A freedom. A release. FINALLY, a release from a bondage we never realized we were under.

God does these things for us, for me, and in my indignation of how it appears...I refuse it. I throw the very freedom I cried, sweated, and bled for back in His face. Because it did not come in a way that I thought it should come.

Well, not today. Today, I realize I AM FREE and I will not be burdened again under a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)

I sought the LORD, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.(Psalm 34:4)

In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and He answered by setting me free. (Psalm 118:5)

Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name. (Psalm 142:7)

"Even though you intended to do harm to me, God intended it for good..." (Genesis 50:20).

Years ago the Lord said to me, "And now, my daughter, do not be afraid; I will do for you all that you ask, for all the assembly of my people know that you are a worthy woman." (Ruth 3:11) And I asked to be free. I asked to be released and the Lord has done all this and more for me! How could I not praise His Name? He said to me,

"You shall no more be termed Forsaken,
        and your land shall no more be termed Desolate;
but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,
        and your land Married;
for the Lord delights in you,
        and your land shall be married."(Isaiah 62:4)

For He has delivered me from all my troubles, and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes. (Psalm 54:7)

Almighty and merciful God, I most humbly and heartily thank Your divine majesty for Your loving kindness and tender mercies, that You have heard my humble prayer, and graciously granted me deliverance from my trouble and misery. I pray to you to continue granting Your helping grace, that I may lead a life pleasing to You, that I may continually offer to You a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving, O Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. 

Amen.

Lord I can never thank you enough for the mercy you have had on me, a sinner.

Of These Things I Am Sure

My mother would be proud of me. My father is proud of me. Christ is risen from the dead, trampling down death by death and upon those in the tombs, He has bestowed His light. And St Joseph the Betrothed of the Theotokos, foster father of God, prays on my behalf.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son Of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

A Bit of Omphaloskepsis

A lot of things have run through my mind since I last posted. I've been jotting things down that I intend to blog about but never get around to. So here is the list. Maybe once I see it in print (so to speak) my brain will congeal it into a cohesive whole. Or it could just be an elaborate exercise in navel-gazing. I'm not sure why some of them are in all caps but I'm sure there was a reason at the time. Most of these, IIRC, I jotted down as I was brushing my teeth, or in the middle of the night, or even while driving (yeah, I do that) or something random like that.

Anyway, regardless of how it hit the tracks....I give you my train of thought:

• "But be doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves." ~ James 1:22
• "You do well if you really fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’ But if you show partiality, you commit sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it." ~ James 2:8-10
• "Anyone, then, who knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, commits sin." ~ James 4:17
• Ask for love. Pray to God to give you love
• DO THIS AND YOU WILL LIVE 
• "Do not ask for anything except love." ~ St Basil
• "I don't revere a God who blames someone for their fear. I revere a God who abhors lies." Janek, Poison Fruit 
• God's will
• God's will is always good
• God's will is always for our salvation
• God's will is for the salvation of the ENTIRE world
• God's will is that we be saved TOGETHER
• God's will is for His ENTIRE PEOPLE AS A WHOLE not as discrete parts
• Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven
• God's will is Always GOOD
• God's will works good for ALL those who believe
• God's will is good in ALL circumstances
• God's will is bigger than one individual
• "In order to be submitted to God and do His will in the moment, especially in difficult times, we must first be practicing the remembrance of God in our lives." ~ Mother Dorothea, St Xenia Skete
• Repent = Rethink 
• "Pissed off is not the same as well armed." Eli Younger, Blood Trade
• "Fight always with your thoughts and call them back when they wander away, God does not demand of those under obedience that their thoughts be totally undistracted when they pray. And do not lose heart when your thoughts are stolen away. Just remain calm, and constantly call your mind back."~ St John Climacus
• "The recollection (or remembrance) of God is mentally standing before God in the heart...the soul must force itself to persevere and to toil. Work, making every effort to attain the unceasing remembrance of God, and God, seeing how fervently you desire it will give you this constant remembrance of Himself...To keep the mind and heart turned towards God and directed towards him...this is already prayer." ~ St Theophan the Recluse
• St Joseph, pray to God for me, a sinner!
• "I took for my advocate and comforter the glorious Saint Joseph, and commended myself fervently to him;… His aid has brought me more good than I ever desired to receive from him. ...I am quite amazed at the great favors Our Lord has given me, and the many dangers, both of soul and body, from which He has delivered me through the intercession of this blessed saint!...To other saints Our Lord seems to have given the power to succor us in some special necessity — but to this glorious saint, I know by experience, He has given the power to help us in all. Our Lord would have us understand that as He was subject to St. Joseph on earth — for St. Joseph, bearing the title of father and being His guardian, could command Him — so now in Heaven Our Lord grants all his petitions." ~ St Teresa of Avila
• Listen to me! Do but listen to me and let that be your consolation to me. Let me have my say!" ~ Job 21:1-2

So this is some of the wool I have gathered over the past few weeks. Now that it is all in one place and not spread over innumerable sticky notes, notepads, backs of envelopes, and random sheers of paper maybe I can make something out of it. Or not.

Lord have mercy on me...an absentminded sinner.

A Prayer for Divine Mercy

St. Mary Faustina (+1938)

"Sr. Mary Faustina Kowalska was a young, uneducated, nun in a convent of the Congregation of Sisters of Our Lady of Mercy in Cracow, Poland during the 1930's...She had only three years of very simple education, so hers were the humblest tasks in the convent, usually in the kitchen or garden. However, she received extraordinary revelations or messages from Our Lord Jesus.

Jesus asked Sr. Faustina to record these experiences, which she compiled in notebooks. These notebooks are known today as the Diary of Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska and the words contained within are God's loving message of Divine Mercy...Pope John Paul II canonized Sr. Faustina in 2000 making her the "first saint of the new millennium." Speaking of Sr. Faustina and the importance of the message contained in her Diary, the Pope called her 'the great apostle of Divine Mercy in our time.'" ~ The Divine Mercy website

 I've begun reading the Diary of St Faustina and she records many, many prayers to the Lord beseeching His mercy not only for herself but for all the world. She took very seriously her role as an intercessor for the world to the Lord and her prayers are simply some of the most marvelous I have read be they Orthodox or Roman Catholic. This one, especially, found its way into my heart.

O my Jesus, despite the deep night that is all around me and the dark clouds which hid the horizon, I know that the sun never goes out. O Lord, though I cannot comprehend You and do not understand Your ways, I nonetheless trust in Your mercy. If it is in Your will, Lord, that I live always in such darkness, may You be blessed. I ask You only one thing Jesus: do not allow me to offend You in any way. O my Jesus, You alone know the longings and suffering of my heart. I am glad I can suffer for You, however little. When I feel that the suffering is more than I can bear, I take refuge in the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament, and I speak to Him with profound silence.

~ Diary of Sr M. Faustina, Divine Mercy in My Soul, #73

 Lately my life has been going really poorly. At least as far as I am concerned. I mean, I'm not suffering physically but emotionally and mentally I am really just stripped bare. I have no idea what is going on, only my sincere belief that God has the good of my soul at the centermost of this particular struggle keeps me going. I try very hard to remember that God's will is not my own but that He wants my salvation above all else and He says all through Scripture that He tests the faith of His people and those whose faith is pure will find the dross burned away in the fire of His testing.

As I am going through this particular valley, I see old lessons being repeated here. Lessons I failed not that long ago. I also see lessons that my mother failed. Both left deep marks on my soul and apparently they need to be burned away so my mettle (metal? HA!) is being refined yet again. God help me not to repeat those mistakes during this time of testing. I know that His will is not for my personal happiness but the outcome of my faith will be the salvation of my soul which is infinitely more valuable, but if it is at all possible, I do not want another sip from this particular cup ever again. May God have mercy.

St Mary Faustina, pray to God that He would have mercy on me, a sinner.

Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion — inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.

~ From the Divine Mercy Chaplet, revealed to St Mary Faustina

Relevant Reading
A Biography of St Mary Faustina
The Delusion of Seeking Happiness ~ Abouna Peter Farrington
Unfair Treatment ~ Abbot Tryphon
Isaiah 48:9-15
Zechariah 13:7-9
Psalm 66:10-12
1 Peter 1:3-9
The Divine Mercy Chaplet

Feminist? No, thank you

So folks keep telling me I need to be/must be/shouldn't be/can't be/ought to be a feminist. Frankly, I'm not fond of the word because of the baggage it carries. I find it incredible that the most vocal adherents of a philosophy that idolizes "choice" so much seek to revile and deny the choices others make when they don't tow the party line.

Just my opinion. Your mileage may vary. But please do not insult my intelligence by telling me that doesn't happen because it SO does. Thanks.

I am re-reading Brandon Sanderson's book, Words of Radiance, second book in the Stormlight Archive series, and I tripped over this quote once again. I think it more fully defines my position. You can call it feminist if you want to give it a label. I won't accept that label myself but you can call this snippet that if you want to. I really don't care. Frankly however, until all   women respect one another's choices, support them and treat one another gently without reviling and disrespecting one another, they can all go kick rocks as far as I am concerned.

"What is a woman's place in this modern world?" Jasna Kholin's words read. "I rebel against this question, though so many of my peers ask it. The inherent bias in the inquiry seems invisible to so many of them....I say that there is no role for women--there is, instead, a role for each woman, and she must make it for herself....Do not mistake me in assuming I value one woman's role above another. My point is not to stratify our society--we have done that far too well already--my point is to diversify our discourse. A woman's strength should not be in her role, whatever she chooses it to be, but in the power to choose that role. It is amazing to me that I even have to make this point, as I see it as the very foundation of our conversation."
~ Jasna Kholin, Words of Radiance, p772

Lord have mercy upon me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Words of Radiance
Jasna Kholin
Conservative Feminists Flip the War on Women

Funambulating Through the Feathergrass*

I often find it disconcerting to discover that otherwise intelligent, well-read, and well-spoken people find it nigh on impossible to hold opposing views (sometimes fiercely opposing views) in their mind without feeling as though they are being traitorous to something and therefore they have to hug their side to them as if someone was trying to steal it.

For example, in a recent conversation/debate I had with a friend regarding a blog post I agreed with, it was made clear to me that the fact that I believe a certain subset of a particular people group should be defended and allowed to exist automatically means I think another people group should not exist and not be defended and therefore my entire belief system should be cast in doubt. In another conversation I had, the fact that I think a certain subset of another people group should be given monetary support before another subset, automatically means I hate said second subset and thus, my entire belief system should be cast in doubt. Why? Because it's obvious! After all if A = B but if C then definitely NOT A. DUH!

That doesn't even make sense to me. The so-called logic of "if A = B but if C then Not A" (or however you write it) is inherently false because the person making the assumption of "if C then Not A" simply does not have enough information to make that call. And in one case, had false information provided by only one side of the multi-sided issue at hand.

That's where the ability to funambulate comes in. Funambulation, or tightwire walking, "is the art of maintaining balance while walking along a tensioned wire between two points." (Wikipedia). The operative phrase in that sentence is maintaining balance and the operative word is tension/ed.

When you look at the definition of funambulism, however, there are other forms of the art. Relevant here is slacklining. In slacklining, "the line is not held rigidly taut; it is instead dynamic, stretching and bouncing like a long and narrow trampoline."(Wikipedia) Slacklining comes in two forms, freestyle and traditional. Freestyle slacklining (see video below) uses a nylon rope that "has little tension in it (relative to the weight of the performer,) while both traditional slacklines and tightropes are tensioned. The slackness in the rope or webbing allows it to swing at large amplitudes and adds a different dynamic to the art" (Wikipedia).


Again, however, there is tension in the line and the artist must maintain his balance. Otherwise he'll hit the ground between the two points.

There is one other thing about both tight and slack wire walking that is intrinsic to both but not part of the formal (or as formal as one can get with Wikipedia) definition. Have you spotted it yet?

Intrinsic to all forms of funambulation is the need to leave the poles.

Nothing happens until you leave the poles. If you hold on to the poles like someone is trying to steal them from you nothing happens. No dancing, no bouncing, no nothing (and yes I know it's a double negative, get over it you pedants). Definitely no change. If you insist that "if C then NOT A" there will never be any change, just a bunch of  As and Bs yelling foul things at each other. Too many people are hovering around the poles. It's getting crowded and loud. And pretty damned ugly.

The middle of the rope is the only place where action happens. Unfortunately for some people, it's almost as if the very possibility of acknowledging that something they disagree/agree with might be equally good/bad as its opposing viewpoint is akin to boiling puppies alive in the backyard. I really just do not get that.

Aristotle (and my mother) said that it is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. Without integrating it into my psyche but giving it the thought and consideration it deserves simply because another human being has it. That is also the definition of tolerance. You don't have to tolerate something you already agree with but you DO have to tolerate things you do not agree with. That's what the word means. And you have to give the people who hold those views as much consideration and courtesy as you would like them to extend to you. Tolerance does not mean "we all believe the same thing". That's just stupid and if you are offended by the fact that I said the word stupid in concert with this concept of "tolerance" you probably don't need to read my blog because you are going to be offended on a regular basis. Fair warning.

In the Sermon on the Mount, and in His conversations with the Scribes and Lawyers of the Temple, Christ said two things. First, "Do to others as you would have them do to you...Love your enemies, do good and lend [to them] expecting nothing" (insert mine, extrapolated from the text) and also,

One of the scribes...asked him, ‘Which commandment is the first of all?’ Jesus answered, ‘The first is, “Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one;you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.”The second is this, “You shall love your neighbour as yourself.” There is no other commandment greater than these. Then the scribe said to him, ‘You are right, Teacher; you have truly said that “he is one, and besides him there is no other”; and “to love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the strength”, and “to love one’s neighbour as oneself”,—this is much more important than all whole burnt-offerings and sacrifices.’" 

Basically, if I want my point of view heard and seriously considered, I FIRST need to do that to my neighbor--and my neighbor might be someone whom I disagree with with all my heart, strength, and mind. St John said, "Those who say, ‘I love God’, and hate their brothers or sisters, are liars; for those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have seen, cannot love God whom they have not seen. The commandment we have from him is this: those who love God must love their brothers and sisters also." But he prefaced it with,

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love."

You can not maintain that balance in the middle of the rope between two opposing views held by people God loves without loving them, too. And if you do not love them how can you say you love God?

You cannot. You cannot make an idol out of your pole. If you do you have forfeited your love of God for a hot mess o'pottage because of your fear. And there are over 300 commands to "Fear Not" in the Bible. Commands. Not suggestions. You cannot fear your neighbor and love them at the same time. You can only do one or the other and one of those things leads to idolatry and worse.

So this is how you maintain that balance. You love God with all your heart, and with all your mind, and all your stregnth...And you love your neighbor as you love yourself.

And have faith.

Brian Mosbaugh takes a breather as he crosses the high line about 850 metres above Rio 

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Wikipedia entry: Funambulism
Luke 6:31
Luke 6:35
Mark 12:28-34
1 John 4:18, 20-21
Funzug.com: Highwire Adrenaline Junkies

*The original title of this post was Tightwiring Through the Tulips...But I hate tulips.

O Death, Where is Your Sting?

O Death, where is your sting? O Hell, where is your victory?  Christ is risen, and you are overthrown. Christ is risen, and the demons are fallen.  Christ is risen, and the angels rejoice. Christ is risen, and life reigns.  Christ is risen, and not one dead remains in the grave.  For Christ, being risen from the dead, is become the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep.  To Him be glory and dominion unto ages of ages.  Amen.
When the Angel of Death passes by and takes a loved one, the part we often forget is that Christ IS risen and that His work made it possible for us to be with Him. In order to be with Him, however, we have one more painful thing to do and that is leave our families behind. Just for a little while, but still...It's painful. We all suffer when the loved one leaves us but since they are among our great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1) they can see and know our suffering at their departure I am sure.

We feel the pain of death because we know, deep down, that this is not God's plan for us. He never intended that we be separated eternally one from another, and definitely not from Himself. Death is the result of a radical departure from His original design for mankind.

“For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone, says the Lord God; so turn and live.” (Ezekiel 18:32). Death was not “created” by God, who is the Source and Author of all life and Who, by revealing His Name as “I AM” to Moses reveals that He is Existence Itself: “God did not make death, and takes no pleasure in the destruction of any living thing; He created all things that they might have being” (Wis 1:13) ~ Orthodox Church in America

This being true then those who precede us want nothing more than to reunite with us in the glorious Presence of God. Their desire for the salvation of those they remember with love must be top most in their minds. Why would it not be?

So although I grieve today, I rejoice. My tears are mingled with laughter. The soul deep pain is shot through with heart-lifting strength that winds through it like a ribbon of gold. There is yet another someone who will pray for my dad and grandfather, for my brother and sisters, for my son and for myself when I am weak and unable because I know she loved me and I know she loved them. Those we love we intercede for, and so I will continue to ask for their intercession and prayers in my life because I have no more doubt of their love than I do of God's.

And for her sake and for the sake of my mother and my grandmother, my great-grandparents, my aunts, uncles and cousins who have gone before me will I continue to work out my salvation in fear and trembling so that their prayers for me will not be in vain.

Christ is risen from the dead, trampling down Death by death, and upon those in the tombs bestowing life!

May God make their memories eternal and have mercy upon me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Paschal Homily of St John Chrysostom
Ezekiel 18:30-32 
Wisdom 1:12-15
Philippians 2:12-13
Hebrews 11:1 - 12:1
OCA - Q&A Mary/Prayer/Death
He Sees

Whither Shall I Wander?

Alleluia, Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life! Alleluia! Alleluia!

After hearing my conversion story, some have asked if I am going to remain Orthodox or keep searching for God. That sort of question troubled me until I realized that it is a legitimate question if you think that the point of a spiritual search is wandering aimlessly looking for you know not what. People in America have this tendency to think spiritual stuff is "out there" someplace and to seek after such a thing is to seek after something amorphous or imaginary at best, and perhaps hallucinatory and deceptive at worst. The thing is a search like this one, an honest spiritual journey, is not going to be undirected and it will have an end. 

Please bear with me. I make no claims to great wisdom, spirituality, or experience. I'm a hot, bubbling, mess and I know it. I do know that my search was directed because the Shepherd was calling for me. I heard His voice and knew it. When I called out (BAAAAA!) He sought me and I was found. Not the other way around. (And yes I know just how not complementary it is to be compared to a sheep. God does it anyway. He has to have a reason.)

"Which one of you, having a hundred sheep and losing one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness and go after the one that is lost until he finds it?" (Luke 15:4) Pretty much like a sack of potatoes over the Shepherd's shoulder to be placed with His flock in the fold (John 10:16). Christ did not leave the world when He ascended into heaven so what would be the point of seeking something else?

Safety is in the fold of His Church which He established. When I was found He caused my head to be anointed with oil, marked for and sealed to Him with the Holy Spirit. The still waters He leads me beside are in the eyes of the Holy Theotokos, His mother and all the saints. The rod and staff which are my comfort are here among the words of the Fathers and Mothers of the desert, His priests, and His Bishops who rightly divide the Word of Truth. The green grass on which I feast is His Body and Blood given to me for the healing of my soul and body and prepared on a table He spread before me.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow
     me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
     my whole life long.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Luke 15:4-7
John 10:1-18
Psalm 23

May God Make Their Memories Eternal

We have to bring this Church from Byzantium to America. We have to bring it from Czarist Russia to America. Psychologically we are still not here, some of us. But, now you’re here. So do something about it. This faith which remains the best kept secret in America because of our laziness, we Orthodox. Because we have been busy taking care of our ethnic ghettos. It is time that we let this light shine. America needs the Orthodox faith. Today, I say to America, Come home America. Come home to the faith of Peter and Paul. ~ Metropolitan Philip (+2014)

Eternal be his memory!

It's so odd how I feel right now. When I first heard about the repose of His Eminence, I was truly shocked. Tears came and I had that odd itchy feeling in my nose. I still kind of do but I have not actually cried. It's as if an uncle I had heard about but never met IRL passed. I mean, I know of and about our Metropolitan, but I never knew him personally.

But the thought that I will no longer hear his name commemorated at the liturgy...hurts...somehow. There will be a hole, so to speak, in the litany. So I ask God to please remember our Metropolitan who has done so much to bring Orthodoxy into the mainstream of America.

Addendum...Also this past week, Patriarch Moran Mor Ignatius Zakka-I of the Syrian Orthodox Church and Archpriest Alexander Atty, and the son of a former pastor of mine all reposed. It seems this Lent will be a lesson of faithfulness in the face of great loss. So many were praying for all these men and yet the Lord called them home in His mercy and wisdom.

With the spirits of the righteous made perfect
Give rest to the soul of Your servants, O Savior;
And keep them safe in that life of blessedness
That is lived with You, O Friend of Man.
 In the place of Your rest, O Lord,
Where all Your Saints repose, Give rest also to the soul of Your servant, For You alone are immortal.
 Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. 

 You are our God Who descended into Hell
To loose the bonds of those who were there; 

Give rest also to the soul of Your servants, O Savior. 

 Both now and ever, and to the ages of ages. Amen. 

 O Virgin, alone pure and immaculate that in maiden-motherhood brought forth God, intercede for the salvation of the soul of your servants

Relevant Reading/Viewing
The Life of Metropolitan Philip
Strength Through Unity, documentary of the life of His Eminence.
Evangelicals Come Home to the Orthodox Church
Again Magazine, June 1989
Patriarch Moran Mor Ignatius Zakka-I
The Syrian Orthodox Church

Hello...My Name is Elizabeth and I am a Lenten Overachiever

Wow...I keep meaning to write something here but life keeps getting in the way. It's been a month since I had that idea for a blog post but I kept putting it off. Must not have been so important but still. Anyway, Lent is basically here. Yesterday was Meatfare and next Sunday is Forgiveness Vespers. I always look forward to Lent and then when it comes make a complete mess of it. I simply can't keep up with all the things I have in mind to do.

Lisa Simpson is not impressed

I mean, if you think about it, there's fasting and more prayers and "spiritual reading" and more services and fasting and alms giving and doing stuff for others and fasting and did I mention the fasting? There is a lot of stuff I have to do! And I only have FORTY DAYS TO CHANGE MY LIFE!! (If you would imagine that being read in a loud booming voice I would appreciate it. Thanks just all to pieces.) So it's kind of a BIG DEAL, if you know what I mean, and I persist in making a BIG DEAL of it every year. So much so that by the time the third or fourth Sunday of Lent rolls around, I am DONE and I sneak off to Red Robin for a bacon cheeseburger the size of Mississippi. Don't get me wrong, Fr N does not require of his flock that we do this, I just do it to myself because I think I may have masochistic tendencies and an overwhelming desire to overachieve in ways even Lisa Simpson would disapprove of.

Then, about a week ago, I read this article posted in a group I belong to on Facebook by a British priest of the Coptic Orthodox Church and what he said struck me kind of like a 2x4 to the back of the head.

The first secret is that it is not all about you, but is all about God. Stop thinking about yourself and ask for the grace to be occupied heart and mind with God. If we are occupied with ourselves during the season of Lent then we have entirely missed the point...
~ Abouna Peter Farrington

That was the first hurdle I had to get over. I need to get out of myself. It's not about me, it;'s not about the food. I can eat an entire cow everyday during this time if my heart and mind are focused solely on Christ and His will for me (which probably does not include eating an entire cow everyday, but I digress).

If all I am doing is not eating, the only benefit to me is some random physicality. And while physical health is not looked down upon, this body is going to die, rot, and decay into dust. Not pretty but true (and we western folks need to get over our fear of death). What will a healthy heart and bones do for my spirit? Not a lot. St John Chrysostom said, "...the honour of fasting consists not in abstinence from food, but in withdrawing from sinful practices; since he who limits his fasting only to an abstinence from meats, is one who especially disparages it. Dost thou fast? Give me proof of it by thy works!" (Homily III on the Statutes). But then again one might say, "Fasting  and the requisite prayers and service attending is a "work" set out for us by God (Ephesians 2:8-10) through the Apostles and Fathers and set forth in Scripture! I mean how am I supposed to do it without a bunch of complicated schedules and recipes (and a small amount of moaning and groaning so folks know how hard I am working)?"

Grace, grace, grace, and grace on top of grace. Grace is the active power of God in the life of a Christian. The power of God that gives the Christian the ability to "live up" to the works God has in mind for that Christian to do. As St Theophan the Recluse wrote,

The true Christian life is the grace-given life. Self-made life--however beautiful in appearance it may be and to whatever outward forms of the Christian life it may adhere--can never be Christian. The beginning of the true Christian life is established in a grace-given awakening. The one who responds to this action of grace is not deprived later of the guidance of grace or the communion with this grace during the time that he is faithful to it inspirations.
~ St Theophan the Recluse, Turning the Heart Toward God, p17

Abouna (Arabic for "Father") Peter says the same thing.

...[T]he more you think you can rely on your own strength of will to manifest the Christian life the further away from Christ you really are. The spiritual life in Christ must begin and end with grace and can only be experienced as the continuing gift of grace.

There is no way to successfully accomplish the fasting requirements of Lent without God's grace. Anyone can give up food, look at movie stars and other people famous for no good reason. But...what about taking true pity on the poor? Forgiving an enemy? Forgoing envy when someone accomplishes something I am still striving for or gets what I thought I wanted? Or passing by that biscuit* on the interwebz without wanting to eat him for breakfast? Or making particularly snarky and scathing remarks about people (like movie stars and people famous for no good reason) or biting off folks heads when they irk my nerves (read as "reveal my impatience, pride and sinfulness")? St John reminds us that if we fast from food but ignore the poor, revel in enmity and envy and lust and pride, and "devour one another" (Galatians 5:15) we may as well not fast at all. (Homily III).

It is only through the grace of God this is possible. Human willpower doesn't allow for these things. All willpower will do is make you decide to choose the salad instead of the steak.

Oh Lord let me fast truly for the first time this Lent. Forgive my transgressions and iniquities. Help me to pass this Lent in a manner pleasing to YOU. Make me to be willing to be obedient and humble and to do Your will instead of my own.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy upon me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Seven Secrets to a Successful Lent 1
Ephesians 2:8-10

St John Chrysostom, Letters; Homilies on the Statutes, Homily III (scroll up to section 8)
St Theophan the Recluse

Turning the Heart To God
Galatians 5:15
I Want to Be Even Willing

*biscuit = a man so good looking  you want to spread him on a biscuit and have him for breakfast

It's That Time Again

Memory Eternal Mom

May 3, 1932 - January 22, 1995

 Remember also, O Lord, all those who have fallen asleep and reposed in the priesthood and in the order of laity. Graciously, O Lord, repose all their souls in the bosom of our holy fathers Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, sustain them in a green pasture, by the water of rest in the paradise of joy, the place our of which grief, sorrow and groaning have fled away in the light of your saints.

Those, O Lord, and everyone whose names we have mentioned, and those whose names we have not mentioned, those whom each one has in mind, and those who are not in our minds, those who have fallen asleep and reposed in the faith of Christ, graciously, 

O Lord, remember the souls of your servants. Amen.

This is the woman who taught me how to be Full of Awesome. She didn't call it that, but that is what she taught me. I forgot those lessons for a while but I am slowly relearning these lessons. Some of those lessons include:

• Never lie to yourself.
• Never pretend to be something you are not.
• Remember what you are and who you came from.
• Fear God, honor the [President], love those around you.

I think she got it right. There are one or two things she did that I learned not to do, but that does not take away from what she taught me to do and who she raised me to be. I stopped being that person for a long time and I still have not come back fully to that, but I have found the path again. I hope I have not disappointed her too much with my little side trips. She did warn me. I didn't listen. I used to bed good at not listening. I've learned better. When someone tells you not to do something...sometimes it's best to listen.

After all, she loved me.

Thank you, mom. Stand with the Theotokos and pray to God for me and mine.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
1 Peter 2:13-17
Waking Up Full of Awesome

Note to Self...

He said to them, "Why are you afraid? Have you still no faith?"
~ Mark 4:40

I am such a coward about my life. ~ sigh~ I've always been afraid of getting IT wrong--whatever IT may be. I need to quit that. It's not doing me any good.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner