SMH*

We mustn't despair when we struggle and continuously see nothing but the slightest progress. We all do nearly nothing, some a little more, some a little less. When Christ sees our little effort He gives us an analogous token and so our nearly nothing becomes valuable and we can see a little progress. For this reason we mustn't despair, but hope in God.”

Elder Paisios

God knows I often struggle with things. There are so many things I see in myself that make me shake my head and wonder why He even puts up with me. However, knowing that He accepts just the little bit that I manage to bring to Him makes me think maybe, just maybe, I'm not a complete screw up in His eyes.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

*Shaking my head

Duty is Heavier than a Mountain...of Mulch

I don't enjoy "gardening" or any sort of yardwork. I'm sorry, I just do not enjoy plants. I don't find great joy in pulling weeds and mulching things. I think fertilizer stinks and the bags are way heavier than I am willing to lift. I definitely do not like the worms, bugs, and other multi-leggedy beasties that live in the yard. I don't like mud. I don't like the damp squelchy feeling of wet shoes/feet. I don't like that I get all hot and sweaty because most yardwork needs to be done in the spring and summer when (at least in the southeastern US) it is sweltering out and pretty much requires one to sprout gills due to the humidity. I don't like the fact that once one finishes the gardening/yardwork there is dirt inevitably tracked into the house that needs sweeping up.

I. Don't. Like. Digging. In. Dirt.

That said...It needs doing. The weeds need pulling. The plants need mulching. The leaves need raking. The bugs need killing or enticing (depending upon what type they are). The dead branches and pine cones need picking up. It just needs doing.

So I do it. I do it because I must.

I do many many things because I must and that's okay. Sometimes there are just things one has to do. Ruminating on the whys and wherefores and wondering when it's going to be over doesn't do anything about the present situation and really just makes life even harder than it needs to be. I've found also that it's when I do the less enjoyable things that I must do, my "obediences" as it were, that I discover something about myself that I hadn't noticed before.

I don't like doing yardwork, but I pray as I do it (mainly so I won't complain and to keep my ranty "I hate this" monologues under control). Today noticed the the herbs that I grow (not a lot and just enough for us--although the oregano, rosemary, and sage seem to be going crazy this year) and I became thankful for the fact that I can use them to brighten up an otherwise boring meal, and that they smell good when I am down in them. I had never even thought about those herbs (beyond can I use them for supper) until I was covering my complaints with prayer.

Covering my complaints with prayer is how I get through a lot of things. I don't have enough room in my head to complain about things anymore and letting them fly has done nothing for me. In fact, all ranting does is breed more complaints. Kind of like...mildew. Well, I am allergic to mildew. It never makes me feel very good to be in a mildewy, moldy place so carrying around a mildewy, moldy place in my head is just the height of stupid in my opinion. So I cover the complaint with prayer.

Don't get me wrong, I am about as eloquent as a walrus, but I think God understands me. I hope He knows that I am trying. Most times I am just trying to be willing to do things things I know I am supposed to do, forget asking for more stuff! That would just be more stuff to complain about to be honest. I just want to be willing as well as able to take care of me and what is already mine. Anything else is just gravy.

So as I do what must be done, I pray. And then I take a shower. And then I go back and do what must be done.

I pray.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading

God and the Suburbanites

I Want to be Even Willing

The Letters of St Theophan the Recluse, (esp Letters 40 & 49 ~blush~)

And Still I Rise

You may write me down in history  With your bitter, twisted lies,  You may trod me in the very dirt  But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?  Why are you beset with gloom?  ‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells  Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,  With the certainty of tides,  Just like hopes springing high,  Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?  Bowed head and lowered eyes?  Shoulders falling down like teardrops.  Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?  Don’t you take it awful hard ‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines  Diggin’ in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,  You may cut me with your eyes,  You may kill me with your hatefulness,  But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I’ve got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise  I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.  Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise
I rise
I rise. ~ Maya Angelou, 1928 - 2014 (edited 28 May 2014)

To Whom It May Concern

For the record and because a statement has been made about this post, I want to say that I've never claimed to be "an abused wife" and neither have I ever claimed to have been the perfect wife. I have admitted to my mistakes before the God I failed in open confession with my priest and before the man I failed and my personal counselors.

Some of the accusations leveled at me, however, are pure bullsh!t and I will not stand for them. They are pure slander. And that is all I will say about that.

This story is going to be different from whichever perspective you choose to look at it. Only by seeing all sides of a story can the truth ever be understood. This is the truth I lived with. I don't coat it with honey for anyone, least of all myself. Having more of it inflicted on me is nothing I am willing to bear any longer.

My journey is not about vengeance nor is it about seeking retribution. My journey is about me working out my salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). So look to your own salvation and I'll see to mine.

Praise God that He has called me worthy and His is the only opinion I care about. The things I hear only reinforce His word to me.

Thank you for your input. God bless you and yours and bring you peace.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Called Worthy By God

When you hear something enough times, it begins to settle in. For years and years, I was told that I wasn't good enough, I didn't do enough, and what I did do I didn't do right or fast enough. I allowed myself to be micromanaged to a fare-thee-well because I was told that I didn't get enough done. I took classes and went to seminars and read books and forced myself to do all sorts of things hoping that one day, I would be "enough".

I swallowed it all, turned myself inside out, cried blood and second guessed everything I did, said and thought in order to be "enough" for someone else.

And in the end, all of that twisting and turning and agonizing won me nothing but pain and betrayal.

Since then, however, there have been others repeating new things to me. The words they say sometimes bring tears but they are always, always, always good tears. This weekend I saw some folks I haven't seen in years. I guess it was 10 years ago that I was part of a prayer ministry they led. It was so good to see them again. But the part that stands out was the repetition of what I've heard so many times in the last couple of years:

"We could tell you were in pain but at least you were trying..."
"You seemed so stressed and oppressed..."
"You can't tell someone to leave but I wanted to because I could see the oppression."
"We prayed for you a lot."
"You did Good Christian Wife very well but there was pain in your eyes."
"It wasn't you."
"I know this is going to sound weird but...I'm so glad! Now you can finally be you again!"

I often wonder if people know how much they affect others with their words and actions? I mean, over and over and over again I hear this sort of thing from people and it's so healing. I always thought it was me that was the problem. I mean, I was constantly being told I was the problem so what else was I going to believe? Now I am being told over and over and over It Wasn't Me. I've been told by different people at different times, without prompting.

Two years ago, after long prayer, God had me camp out in the Book of Ruth. The verse that I still treasure (among others) is:

And now, my daughter, do not be afraid; I will do for you all that you ask, for all the assembly of my people know that you are a worthy woman. Ruth 3:11¹²

I had a hard hard time believing that was about me. For me. How could that possibly be? I mean after all I wasn't...anything. I was never enough and never going to be. I embraced it though. I wrote it everywhere. I repeated it obsessively. It used to be the title of my blog. I asked God to please forgive me for being presumptuous enough to think He meant that about me.

And then people began to speak to me. People I hadn't seen in years would show up in the oddest places where I went all the time previously but had never run into them and have never seen them there since: Target, Harris Teeter, Wal-Mart, random gas stations and convenience stores, the mall (all of them). And they would all say the same thing: "It wasn't you." And "You were not the problem." And my personal favorite: "I know this sounds weird but GOOD for you!" (or any of it's various incarnations).

I think I'm finally starting to get it. I'm no angel by any stretch of the imagination, but I am also not the dregs of the earth. God loves me and all the assembly of His people think I am a worthy woman.

Guess what? I am one of His people.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Verses
The Book of Ruth
Isaiah 54:1-6; 11-17