Peppermint Winter

This is officially my new favorite pop Christmas song. 

...And then Facepalm

Sometimes you do things because you have to. You ask questions you already know the answer to because you have to. The answer comes. It's exactly what you thought it would be.

And then you

and do what you need to do in spite of people, places, and things. It has nothing to do with being kind or nice or anything of that sort. It's just that you have to and why expect anything different?

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Even Hitler Liked Dogs

I fail miserably at this sometimes. There are times when I try so hard to remember good things about people but sometimes I just cannot. Heck there are sometimes I just will not. I don't know why exactly. I mean, even Hitler was kind to dogs, right? That was something somewhat decent about the man. I could think about how he was a better dog-trainer than I will ever be.

Does it mean I have to like him as a human being?

These are the things I think about late at night. Some folks I can think good things about--they are better teachers, better librarians, better students...But then some folks I can't come up with anything at all and that kind of bothers me. So how do I get around that to recalling anything decent about them?

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner

Relevant Reading
St. Tikhon of Zadonsk
Heel, Hitler

Systematic Theology

I love theology. I love dogmatics and doctrine. I love knowing the whys and wherefores of my faith. As I journeyed to Orthodoxy over the years, a lot of my understanding of the doctrines of the faith came from reading the Fathers of the Church and the great theologians in a piecemeal fashion. That is, as I encountered something within the Church, I went to these sources to discover where it came from. I never read in any systematic fashion, but I just nibbled here and there off the sides of what is a HUGE cake. 

Mice Eating Cake

I think I may have found a way to remedy my scattershot knowledge of the works of the Fathers of the Church. There is a website (there is always a website) by a couple of Protestant laymen who came up with the formula that if one reads seven pages a day for seven years, you can read the Fathers. All of them.

Seven pages a day is not a lot. At least not for me.  I can read seven pages of just about anything in no time at all. And I've done a lot of things over the past seven years that took a heck of a lot more time out of my day. The writings are available free online as well. It's a win-win situation.

So this is my new project. I like having intellectual projects. I got my Masters degree after all. I would LOVE to be able to turn this into a career in a theological library. 

So here I go again!

Relevant Reading

Read the Fathers

Early Church Fathers

Black Friday, St Xenia, and Me

I worked my first Black Friday in a LONG time today. I got to the mall at 700a and it was just me and a co-worker for about three hours. Not a lot was going on and it was SO dead. (As I wait for the library jobs to say yes to me I work in a card store. We had no doorbusters, no BF specials). I don't think we had more than four people in the store before 830a. I spent time making some changes to the store set per the Regional Manager's emails. I had my phone in my pocket and so while I was out there, I'd glance at the Akathist to St Xenia and try to think about a line from a kontakion or o/ikos as I was straightening stuff. It kept me from complaining about being at the mall at stupid o'clock in the morning.

About 830 or 900a, a few people who wandered in to buy one thing and then wander out. Then we got this one lady (and her cranky kids) with a slight attitude and my co-worker started to b!tch about her as soon as she left.

Snow Roller 

It truly only takes one. If it isn't nipped in the bud, it just rolls onward. At best, I am "not a morning person." At worst I am a wet cat in a burlap bag. I HATE being up early in the morning. It does not take much to get me to complain about being awake before my inner clock says it's reasonable to be awake. Caffeine is a food group as far as I am concerned.

So there I was, commiserating and jumping on the band-wagon along with co-worker when the eighth kontakion in the akathist popped into my head. It reads:

As a homeless wanderer, you trod the path of your life in the capital city 

of Russia, bearing afflictions and reproaches with great patience; 

and abiding now in the heavenly Jerusalem,

in joy you sing unto God: Alleluia!

And here I am complaining about a woman who, though it was through her own volition, was out too early in the morning with obviously exhausted children and probably trying to do as much of her shopping as she could. All she really wanted was the price tag taken off the picture and to have it re-wrapped. I'd be snarky too if I had to drag cranky kids around the mall at crazy o'clock in the morning after probably not getting enough sleep after a major holiday.

And while maybe she could have been nicer, why take offense at her snarkiness? There is so much energy expended in being offended by piddly stuff like that. Energy I desperately needed about two hours later when folks actually decided they needed cards and gift-wrapping services and the like. It really wasn't worth it to me to be "offended" by people who shop on Black Friday, tired, cranky customers, upper management at Wal-Mart or Sears (people whose decisions have no bearing on my work life right now). It simply wasn't.

Immediately the irritation just sort of drained away and I felt a lot better. I tried to change the subject but co-worker wasn't having it so I started emptying more boxes and setting out more of the items on the update (some seriously butt-ugly Christmas dust collectors let me tell you). After a while, co-worker wandered off.

And St Xenia and I re-set the front of the store in peace.

You were all things to all, O blessed Xenia—comfort for the sorrowful, protection and defense for the weak, joy for the grieving, clothing for the poor, healing for the sick; therefore, we cry out unto you:

Rejoice, for you dwell in the mansions on high!
Rejoice, for you pray there for us sinners!
Rejoice, O good one, who shows us a model of service to God!
Rejoice, O provider of our every need!
Rejoice, O protectress of the persecuted and oppressed!
Rejoice, for you by your supplications help the Orthodox people!
Rejoice, for you endured much affliction and grief!
Rejoice, for you defend the afflicted who pray to you!
Rejoice, for you rebuke those who abuse their fellows!
Rejoice, for you put to shame unbelievers and those who babble!
Rejoice, for you were clothed in rags and tatters!
Rejoice, for God has adorned you with the splendid raiment of righteousness!
Rejoice, O blessed Xenia, who ever intercedes for our souls!

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
The Life of St Xenia
The Akathist to St Xenia

Mama Bear Has Nothing On Me

Holy Theotokos protect my son when he is far from me.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

There Are Days

There are days when I wish I had fewer convictions about what is good and right. I am not trying to impress anyone. I'm so far from holy I'm sneaking up on it from the other side. But I can't stop living the way I live just because it is hard.

(Don't get me wrong. I do not feel "guilty" about anything. Confession solves many things and eradicates guilt if you do it right. Acceptance of my responsibility for what I have done and not saying that it is someone else's fault or trying to play the victim does wonders for moving away from random "guilty" feelings to true change. There are folks in the world who need to feel guilty about things they have done, or not done, or need to do, but I am not one of them.)

God, however, has very high standards and He doesn't change them just because I whine.

Besides, I am not whining, per se. I just wish this road was just a tad easier. Maybe had a few fewer potholes.

And if wishes were horses we all would ride.

Beginning tomorrow, the Winter Lent will begin. There are so many days within this time of preparation for me to remember what God has promised and what He has done to this point. Each of those days is one more day to see His plan for me played out on this stage and to try to live up to those plans which feature themselves for me as convictions and beliefs about how I should live my life and what example I should set for my son. Should I be self-indulgent or self-controlled? Should I ignore my commitments or honor them in spite of how I feel about them at the moment? Should my desires overcome what I know to be good and right or should I "fast" and pray about them?

There are days when the temptation is keener than the edge of a knife.

And then...God.

Lord have mercy upon me, a sinner. Please bless these days of preparation for your servant.

Relevant Reading
Why We Fast

What a Month!

This month has been a testimony to God's grace and provision. I can hardly believe it's over.


Make a joyful noise to God, all the earth; 
   sing the glory of his name;
   give to him glorious praise. 
Say to God, ‘How awesome are your deeds!
   Because of your great power, your enemies cringe before you. 
All the earth worships you;
   they sing praises to you,
   sing praises to your name.’
          Selah 

I cannot possibly begin to immuerate all the things He did for me this month, from an exact amount of money needed for me to do some things appearing at just the right time, to a number of prayers being answered all I can say is

Come and see what God has done:
   he is awesome in his deeds among mortals. 
He turned the sea into dry land;
   they passed through the river on foot.
There we rejoiced in him, 
   who rules by his might for ever,
whose eyes keep watch on the nations—
   let the rebellious not exalt themselves.
          Selah 

Bless our God, O peoples,
   let the sound of his praise be heard, 
who has kept us among the living,
   and has not let our feet slip. 


As far as I am concerned His mercy endures forever. He promised me He would care for me and my son and has never let me down. Even when I was busily screwing up and herding cats, He was letting me do what I did and yet...And yet preserving His Name regardless of me.

For you, O God, have tested us;
   you have tried us as silver is tried. 
You brought us into the net;
   you laid burdens on our backs; 
you let people ride over our heads;
   we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a spacious place. 
I will come into your house with burnt-offerings;
   I will pay you my vows, 
those that my lips uttered
   and my mouth promised when I was in trouble. 
I will offer to you burnt-offerings of fatlings,
   with the smoke of the sacrifice of rams;
I will make an offering of bulls and goats.
          Selah 

I don't have a lot to give back to Him, but everything I have He gave me so how can I refuse to give my own "mite"? How selfish and ungrateful am I to even do that? I look around and see nothing but blessing!

Come and hear, all you who fear God,
   and I will tell what he has done for me. 
I cried aloud to him,
   and he was extolled with my tongue. 
If I had cherished iniquity in my heart,
   the Lord would not have listened. 
But truly God has listened;
   he has given heed to the words of my prayer. 
Blessed be God,
   because he has not rejected my prayer
   or removed his steadfast love from me.

Truly God has listened to me, but not through any goodness I possess. Only His mercy and grace has gotten me through this month. Heck through this YEAR. This has been one of the hardest, if not THE hardest I have experienced. Amazingly enough however all I have done this year is gain while in other hard years all I did was lose. I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living

Thank you, Father. Please continue to have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Psalm 66
Psalm 27
Isaiah 54
Ruth 3:11

My So-called Spiritual Life

My Spiritual Life, from Pithless Thoughts

Wow! What a month it has been. I didn't even realize so much time had passed since my last post until I dropped by today.

It's been exhausting simply because I had to maintain my faith and that has never been a gift of mine. It's very hard for me not to look at circumstances, to wonder about the future, and to just generally whine about why my life is sooooo veeeeerrrry, veeeeerrrry, haaaaarrrrrddddduh.

So, you might ask, how'd that work for you?

It didn't. To be precise, it only made things worse. Don't get me wrong, for a short period of time the pity party is kind of satisfying (in a sick and twisted sort of way) but after a while I started to get on my own nerves. And do not get me started on how much energy it takes to work up a good whine. Seeing as I only have so many spoons per day sometimes, that is simply not a wise use of my limited resources. So I decided (and yes it was an actual conscious decision, I remember the date I made it) not to do that anymore.

Decision made but how exactly does that look? What do I do instead? If I am not whining and I am going to have faith, what else is it I need to do? I was at a loss so I decided to pray and then I did it again. Then I worried I wasn't doing it right, so I started reading. I read A LOT.

Read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, look around at circumstances (bad idea), go back to reading and praying. Take the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

...Honestly, my life hasn't been easy the last few months. It's been pretty damned hard...

Read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, look around at circumstances (bad idea), go back to reading and praying. Take the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

...Okay, Lord, there are things I do not have to worry about? I'm taking too much responsibility for other people's emotional lives? I'm making mountains out of molehills?...

Read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, look around at circumstances (bad idea, WHEN will I learn???), go back to reading and praying. Take the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

A lightbulb moment came while reading the life of St. Nektarios of Pentapolis and Aegina. This wonderful saint of God went through so much in his life. So many false accusations, deprivation, deception, persecution by and exile from those who were supposed to be his support, just downright evil meanness done to him for no reason. He never lost his faith though. He was always seen to be praying for those who persecuted him. He never defended himself but accepted what was forced unfairly upon him, preferring to accept what God allowed to happen to him to happen to him.

In one of his letters, St Nektarios wrote to the nuns at Aegina, a monastery he founded:

Do not be frightened. The overseeing eye of the Lord has not looked away...The Lady Theotokos will intercede once again. She will intercede to her omnipotent Son....Do not be troubled. Just continue your penance and every good work, with an attitude of happiness and optimism. We believe in a living perfect God. If He allows tribulations, it is for the salvation of our souls, of this you can be sure. Return to your duties of virture and to the special ministries you have undertaken, always keeping in mind the great Paul and Silas who suffered so greatly inside prison. So let us chant as they did, continuously praising our benefactor as they did that historic night...
~ Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p220, 223

St Nektarios of Aegina

Later on, the monastery needed repairs--it was originally a deserted convent on the island of Aegina and it needed rebuilding and repairing beyond what Fr Nektarios and the nuns could do on their own. Unfortunately the Metropolitan of Athens refused to acknowledge the monastery (refusing to recall his promise to Nektarios that he would) and without his formal acknowledgement, the monastery's funds were tied up legally. The workers who were repairing the buildings of the monastery needed to be paid however and so Nektarios did what he always did; he reassured them and he prayed.

Sure enough, within a few days the mail came with enough cash donations to pay the construction crew for that week. The nuns were very happy and they thanked God for the provision, but then the nuns began to worry about the next payments and the saint told them:

Do not be ungrateful for what we received this week by thinking about next week. I am sure divine providence will send something again.
~ Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p237

Wow. Such faith. I wish I had faith like that. What stood out to me is that Nektarios told them that worrying about the next week's provision was "ungratefulness". Isn't it natural to wonder what is going to happen next time? Then again, even Christ said:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?"
~Matthew 6:25-30

And the biography shows that Fr Nektarios lived this way all his life. He truly believed that no matter the circumstances, God would provide and God always did. Even as a young boy, sent away from his family to Constantinople for schooling, he lived this way. Even when he was unjustly relieved of his posting in Egypt and denied his Greek citizenship, he lived this way. Even when he was accused of gathering a harem and tossing newborn babies down a well, he lived this way, only believing that whatever God allowed would be for the salvation of his soul:

The evil one does not care to what extent the human soul can endure torments, plots against it, and slander. When given permission [Job 1:6-12 and 2:1-6] to test the soul, he falls on his victim like a wild hungry vulture, taking pleasure in thrusting his nails in the backs of its unsuspecting victims.
~Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p219

In no way am I claiming to be a saint, but knowing that even the saints had to undergo testing and torment, deprivation, deceit, and exile but never gave up their faith is always a comfort and example to me. Their lives give me something to look to so that I will not give up when my comparably puny difficulties arise. After all, I'm not caring for twenty or thirty other people on my prayers alone. I am not required to dig roads, lift rocks, repair masonry and then sleep in a draughty old ruin after not having enough to eat or adequate shoes and clothing for the weather. My health is good and I am young. And yet I worry and whine. What a wimp I can be.

Lord forgive me, a whiny sinner. You have always provided for me and always just in time, even after I spend my energy on whining about how hard my life is. Forgive me for disdaining this prize you have given me, this gold star that is LIFE. And I thank you for giving it to me so abundantly. You always meet my needs and You always show Your love for me. I will never be able to thank you enough. Please continue to have mercy on me, whiny and sinful as I am. 

St. Nektarios, thank you for the example of your life. Pray to God for the salvation of our souls!

Relevant Reading
1 Corinthians 12:4-11
Have Some Cheese with that Whine?
The Spoon Theory
The Hardest Part
Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century
Matthew 6:25-30
A life of St Nektarios and photos

I am Tired

You are tired,

(I think)

Of the always puzzle of living and doing;

And so am I.

Come with me, then,

And we'll leave it far and far away—

(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,

(I think)

And broke the toys you were fondest of,

And are a little tired now;

Tired of things that break, and—

Just tired.

So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,

And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—

Open to me!

For I will show you the places Nobody knows,

And, if you like,

The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!

I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,

That floats forever and a day;

I'll sing you the jacinth song

Of the probable stars;

I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,

Until I find the Only Flower,

Which shall keep (I think) your little heart

While the moon comes out of the sea.

~ ee cummings

Happy New Year!

Christ our God, Your kingdom is an everlasting one and Your lordship is over all. 

You have made all things with wisdom and have established proper times and seasons for our lives.

We give thanks to You in all circumstances and for all things. 

Grant that this liturgical year be for all of us a year of grace. 

Make us worthy with purity of heart always to praise you. Lord, glory to You!

Today the liturgical year begins and I am taking stock of how things are. 

Some things pretty much suck, but they could suck worse. I have my friends who have all come through for me in such a big way this year. And it has been such a long, long year. God has gifted me with so many good people in my life. I honestly don't know how they stand me but I will never never forget their goodness. This is true Christian prosperity. So many blessings, so much love. Thank you, Father.

I have named my greatest fear and this year I am resolved to overcome it. "Live in the real and name the lies." I forget to do that sometimes when things are hard. What is my fear? What is real about this fear? What are the lies about this fear? There are many things I can do nothing about, but forcing myself to see what is real and refusing to live in fear of things my mind conjures up is something I can control. This year I will. I will not try, "there is no "try". I will do it.

Let go, let go, let go. I believe that is the command of God to me for this year. "Let go, let go, let go. You are holding onto many things far too tightly and you need to let them go. I cannot fill an old wine skin. Be made new and let me fill you again with new wine." No, I do not claim God speaks to me in so many words, it is (1) just where I am at the moment and (2) it is what I believe to be true and (3) it is Biblical. There are so many things I need to release and this is the time to do it. I think I am ready. I've already begun releasing some things. Others will be harder. 

God will provide Himself a lamb. (Genesis 22:8) 

I want at least to be willing to be willing. I want to be obedient. 

The overall orders have not changed: Do Justice. Love Kindness. Walk Humbly. Remember God. Say My Prayers. Go to Church. Forgive My Brother. Obey the Commandments.

And...Let Go.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Micah 6:1-8

Distraction

What Does God Want of Me?

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading 
Micah 6:1-8 
The Hardest Part

Toilet Paper Math

I was never very good at math growing up. I have gotten significantly better over the years but I still have issues with word problems and letters in place of numbers. And toilet paper math. Which, mind you, was never taught at any of the wonderful institutions of learning, higher or lower, that I ever attended.

Regular math applied to toilet paper should look a little something like this ((hit it!)):

• You can buy twelve single rolls. This should equal 12. (1x12)
• You can buy twelve double rolls. If a single roll = 1 roll then 12 double rolls should equal 24 single rolls (2x12)
• You can buy twelve triple rolls.  Using the above equation, 12 triple rolls should equal 36 single rolls. (3x12)

Got that?

But that's not how it works.

According to the gurus of toilet paper math at Charmin and Northern and such like places, they have some sort of higher advanced mathematics and magic that allows them to morph double rolls into more than 2 so that 6 double rolls actually equals 24 singles and 12 double rolls actually equal 48 singles and 12 triple rolls--get this--is somehow equivalent to 96 singles. The mind boggles.

And as if that isn't bad enough, then you have to factor in the pricing of said morphed rolls because they vary from store to store ((and day to day it seems)) and God forbid there should be a special or coupon involved.

Factor in the fact that Target, Harris Teeter, Kroger, Food Lion and Walmart are chronically unable to get signs positioned properly on any given day and you can see why, on days I find my self running low on tp, I get this slightly panicked look in my eye. I have been known to stand in the tp aisle trying to figure out the best bang for my buck for long periods of time because, frankly, toilet paper math is up there with quantum physics for me. And God forbid I should have a coupon. Once, one of the Target employees had to bring me the item I wanted to buy, the sign, and the item I should have selected in order to explain the whole thing properly. I was still more than a bit deer-in-headlights as I left the store.

It's really sad.

I truly believe that only Stephen Hawking can do toilet paper math in his head.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Rielle Hunter

Why should anyone listen to anything this woman has to say? She goes around sleeping with other people's husbands. There is nothing that she has to say that I want to hear. Seriously. What kind of woman does that and then claims she hasn't done anything wrong? And yet people will read her book. SMH...

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

There Are Days...

I'm not sure which one I am though...

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Note to Self

 

"To avoid dissensions we should be ever on our guard, more especially with those who drive us to argue with them, with those who vex and irritate us, and who say things likely to excite us to anger. When we find ourselves in company with quarrelsome, eccentric individuals, people who openly and unblushingly say the most shocking things, difficult to put up with, we should take refuge in silence, and the wisest plan is not to reply to people whose behavior is so preposterous. Those who insult us and treat us contumeliously are anxious for a spiteful and sarcastic reply: the silence we then affect disheartens them, and they cannot avoid showing their vexation; they do all they can to provoke us and to elicit a reply, but the best way to baffle them is to say nothing, refuse to argue with them, and to leave them to chew the cud of their hasty anger. This method of bringing down their pride disarms them, and shows them plainly that we slight and despise them."
~ St. Ambrose of Milan

‎"I tell you, on the day of judgement you will have to give an account for every careless word you utter; for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."
~ Matthew 12:36-37











I might should remember this. It could keep me out of some of the wackier internet discussions in which I find myself.  

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
St Ambrose of Milan
Matthew 12:36-37

Obamacare -- My Two Cents

I got really tired of hearing "Obamacare this" and "Obamacare that" so I decided to go find it and read myself. Which many of our state representatives apparently did not do. As expected, it is an incredibly cumbersome document nd is expressed in more legalese than anyone should be subjected to but if one can read above an 8th grade level, it is not outside the realm of understanding. If you are interested, it is available at the link below.

I have not finished reading it. It is HUGE and it is also a cure for insomnia. Government documents often are. However, it is a pdf and so you can do word searches to find out stuff like, oh, must Congress and the POTUS use the mandated structure? (Yes they do, by the way, see Sec1312(d)(3)(D) (p81)) and are illegal immigrants eligible for coverage? (No, they are not, see Sec1312(f)(3) (p82)).

While I disagree with the idea of government mandated insurance, I know the system as it now is needs an overhaul (kind of like our Congress, but that is another post). There are huge numbers of folks who fall through the cracks because they make too much to qualify for Medicaid, but not enough to pay for living and going to the doctor and getting their medication. I'm one of them and it isn't fun trying to decide if I am going to pay a bill or pay for my meds in any given month. Usually, I pay the bill and suffer the consequences (which ain't pretty, let me tell you). Not having to do that would be awesome.

Imagine it...Paid bills while being properly medicated. The mind boggles...

Oops, sorry, my mind wandered. Anyway, if I did not have to have the meds and medical care, I have many, many things I would much rather use the money for besides paying for insurance. However, under this bill I'm forced to use the money to pay for medical insurance anyway or be fined, and I find that disturbing.

I am also still curious about how they plan to pay for this behemoth because it is not going to be cheap and is going to affect many people more negatively than positively. It's inevitable--it's called "unintended consequences" and with a change of this magnitude, the proportionate consequences will be equally as huge. However, it is SOMETHING which, IMO, is better than nothing. If nothing else, the fact that it was voted through forces us all to talk about the problem rather than kicking it further down the road like we've been doing to this point. I would love to see the discussion go from demonizing polarization to an actual conversation but I don't see that happening anytime soon, so this rather quickly cobbled together bill may be the only thing we can get until we collectively grow the heck up and quit bickering like little kids on a playground.

And no, I still have no idea who I am voting for. Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil and I have issues with this as a way of choosing the leader of my country.

JMO YMMV. Happy reading.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Compilation of Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act

It is my grief that the right hand of the Most High has changed

The darkness which you have, my child, comes both from nature and from the tempter. Both are healed by the arrival of God's grace. For this reason, entreat God to give you sobriety and the ability to remember good things and forget bad things. When you persist, little by little the grace of God will help you.

~ Elder Ephraim of the Holy Mountain

I cry aloud to God,
   aloud to God, that he may hear me.
In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
   in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
   my soul refuses to be comforted.
I think of God, and I moan;
   I meditate, and my spirit faints.
          Selah


You keep my eyelids from closing;
   I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I consider the days of old,
   and remember the years of long ago.
I commune with my heart in the night;
   I meditate and search my spirit:
‘Will the Lord spurn for ever,
   and never again be favourable?
Has his steadfast love ceased for ever?
   Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
   Has he in anger shut up his compassion?’
          Selah
And I say, ‘It is my grief
   that the right hand of the Most High has changed.’

I will call to mind the deeds of the Lord;
   I will remember your wonders of old.
I will meditate on all your work,
   and muse on your mighty deeds.
Your way, O God, is holy.
   What god is so great as our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
   you have displayed your might among the peoples.
With your strong arm you redeemed your people,
   the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
          Selah



When the waters saw you, O God,
   when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
   the very deep trembled.
The clouds poured out water;
   the skies thundered;
   your arrows flashed on every side.
The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
   your lightnings lit up the world;
   the earth trembled and shook.
Your way was through the sea,
   your path, through the mighty waters;
   yet your footprints were unseen.
You led your people like a flock
   by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
~ Psalm 77



Relevant Reading
Ephraim of Philotheou
Psalm 77

BEWARE!!

Apparently, I'm DANGEROUS and should not be allowed around certain children.

Yeah. My sentiments exactly. LOL! At first I was annoyed but now I just find it hilarious. LOL!

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

What If...?

What if nothing is wrong?

What if the pain, the frustration, the disappointment, the irritation, the injustice is purposeful?

What if where I am right now is exactly where God intends for me to be?

What if there is nothing to fix because this is what God has for me right now?

What then?

Can I accept it?

Will I accept it?

Or will I waste the pain?

I know that you have many sorrows and much...unpleasantness. But tell and enlighten yourself with the remembrance that in hell it is much worse, more wearying and doleful, and there is no hope of deliverance from it. If a person endures sorrows with submission to God’s will, confessing his sins, then he will through this be delivered from eternal torments. Therefore we had better endure unpleasantries here, no matter how difficult they are, turning our grief over to God and praying to Him with humility that He deliver us from faintheartedness and despair, which are the worst of all sins.

~ Elder Ambrose of Optina

If you want to serve God, prepare your heart not for food, not for drink, not for rest, not for ease, but for suffering, so that you may endure all temptations, trouble and sorrow. Prepare for severities, fasts, spiritual struggles and many afflictions, for "by many afflictions is it appointed to us to enter the Kingdom of Heaven" (Acts 14,22); "The Heavenly Kingdom is taken by force, and the who use force seize it". (Matt 11:12) 

~ St. Sergius of Radonezh, Life, 10

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Acts 14:22
Matthew 11:7-15

Advice from My Saint to a Prince

"...You were right to come to me," she said; "with God's aid, I am certain I can help you. No matter what trials He sends us, if we have faith in Him and confidence in our prayers, He will give us the strength to bear them. When doubt assails you, do not despair - kneel before an icon of the Savior and pray; you will feel better at once. The tears you have just shed came from your heart. Always be guided by your heart rather than by your head, and your life will be transformed. Happiness does not consist in living in a palace or enjoying a large fortune; these can be lost. True happiness is something that neither men nor events can take from you. You will find it in Faith, in Hope and in Charity. Try to make those around you happy, and you will be happy yourself."

"..."Don't worry," she said, "I know more about you than you think. That is why I am so much interested in you. Anyone who is capable of doing much evil is also capable of doing much good, if he sets about it in the right way. No matter bow serious the offense, it is redeemed by sincere repentance, Remember, the only thing that defiles the soul is spiritual sin; it can remain pure in spite of carnal weaknesses. It is your soul that I am thinking of, and I want to lay it open to you. Fate has given you everything that a man could wish; you have received much, and much will be asked of you. Do not forget your responsibilities; you must set an example and earn the respect of others. The trials you are going through will teach you that life is not just a pastime. Think of all the good you can do! And all the evil! I have prayed much for you, and believe that Our Lord will hear me and help you."

~ Grand Duchess and Holy New Martyr of Russia, St Elizabeth Fyodorovna to Prince Felix Yussupov 

Lost Spendor, The Memoirs of Prince Yussupov, Chapter XIII

St Elizabeth is remembered on 5 July and she is my patron. Happy (Belated) Name Day to me! She was the granddaughter of  Queen Victoria and married Grand Duke Sergei Alexandrovich of the Russian Imperial family just before the Revolution. She converted to Orthodoxy from Lutheranism not long after her marriage after watching him and the rest of the family, and reading about the faith. St Elizabeth's younger sister, Alexandra, married Tsar Nicholas.

The Grand Duchess is a model to me of forgiveness and in displaying humility, acceptance, and mercy. I am so remiss in all those things. For example, her husband was assassinated by a bomb lobbed into his car by a terrorist (1905), outside the building where she was doing charity work. The blast was so powerful that the Grand Duke's fingers (with the rings still on) were found on the roof of a nearby building. The Grand Duchess heard the blast and ran outside. When she saw what happened, she gathered up the pieces of her husband's body herself and had them taken to her private chapel where she prayed for hours before going to clean the blood from her hands and change her clothes. After the funeral, she went to the prison where the assassin was kept and forgave him for the murder of her husband. After she left him, she petitioned the Tsar (her brother in law) not to execute the man. After this she withdrew from imperial social life and concentrated on charity work. Eventually she became a nun, founding St Mary and Martha Convent where the sisters could concentrate on working AND listening to God.

Like the rest of the imperial family, St Elizabeth was imprisoned and martyred by the revolutionaries in 1918. She was taken from her convent, along with another nun, St Barbara. According to reports, at no time did she rail against her captors but she always prayed for them and spent her time comforting the other members of the family with whom she was arrested.

I love reading Elizabeth's story. Like myself she was a convert and her journey to Orthodoxy was very similar to my own in some ways. Her words always inspired me and her life as it is recorded is a marvelous example. I'm sure I am a constant annoyance to her--I fall constantly but through the prayers of St Elizabeth I am able to stand and try again.

Rejoice, thou who didst deem mercy greater than sacrifice;
Rejoice, thou who prayest for sinners and penitents!
Rejoice, thou who didst bear thy cross to a new Golgotha
Rejoice, thou who didst not reject the crown of thorns offered thee!
Rejoice, thou didst put jealousy to flight
Rejoice, thou who reprovest thou who fall away from truth and grace!
Rejoice, thou who didst not set the love of family above the love of God
Rejoice, thou who didst fulfill the words of Christ!
Rejoice, thou who didst seek out the good in every man
Rejoice, thou who was sent unto Russia, to turn her away from evil to the good!
Rejoice, thou who dost ever cry out to Christ: Lord, have mercy
Rejoice, thou who standest invisible in our midst as we pray!

Ikos 2 of the Akathist to St Elizabeth New Martyr

Holy St Elizabeth, pray to God for me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
A Short Life of St Elizabeth
An Account of the Murder of the Grand Duchess Elizabeth
Akathist Hymn To The Holy Martyred Nun Elizabeth

God Grant You Many More Years, Gabriel!

My son is TEN today! At 830am on 30 June 2002, my wonderful boy who has taught me so much came into the world. He was gifted to me by God through the heartbreak of another woman (Memory eternal!) and I am so grateful. As my mother said, he did not grow under my heart but he definitely has grown in my heart and he is such a blessing to me. Thank you, Father, for this gift. Please, please, please help me protect him, raise him in You, and in the Church.

The Lord promised me that He would always care for my boy. He reassured me years ago that my child shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the prosperity of my child. I have held onto that promise since 2007 and I will continue to hold onto it. So far He has not let me down and I know He never will.

O God, Maker of all creation, You have made me worthy to be a mother, and through Your goodness have bestowed a son upon me; and so I dare to say: this child is Yours, for You have given him being, have infused him with an immortal soul, and have raised him to life through baptism. 

And in accordance with Your will You have adopted him and received him into the bosom of Your Church. Send down to me Your gracious help in raising my son, for the glory of Your name. Bestow on me patience and strength to do Your will. 

Teach me to plant in his heart the root of true wisdom-the fear of the Lord-that all his life he may tremble at Your words. Open to him the understanding of Your law. Until the end of his days let him act with the sense that You are everywhere present.

Plant in his heart loathing for every transgression, that he may be pure, O Righteous Judge, who punishes children for the sins, but sprinkle him with the dew of Your grace.

O Heavenly Father, order the fate of my son according to Your blessings, do not deprive him in this life of his daily bread, send down to him in due time all that is necessary for the acquisition of blessings in eternity.

Be merciful to him, when he sins before You; look not upon the sins of his youth and ignorance; chastise him and have mercy on him, but turn not Your face away from him. Turn not Your face from him in the day of his tribulation, that he may not fall into temptations beyond his strength.

Cover him with Your mercy, that Your Angel may walk with him and preserve him. Abandon not my son, O Lord, and give him that which is profitable for salvation.

Amen.

Holy Mary, true Theotokos and Mother of God, who has borne the Saviour of our souls, pray for my son and for me! Lord have mercy on me, a sinner

Relevant Reading

Akathist to the Theotokos Nurturer of Children (as read by Khouria Frederica Mathewes Green)

Isaiah 54

Why?

"There is always a reason. Whenever anything has been mucked up, whenever anything outrageous happens, there is a reason for it. You still have a mucked up outrageous situation on your hands, however, and explaining it does not alleviate it one bit. If someone does something really rotten, there is a reason for it. Learn it if you care, and you know why he is a son-of-a-bitch. The fact is, the thing remains, though...It changes nothing to run a post-humous psychoanalysis. Acts and their consequences are the things by which our fellows judge us. Anything else and all that you get is a cheap feeling of moral superiority by thinking how you would have done something nicer if it had been you. So as for the rest, leave it to heaven. I'm not qualified.”

Corwin, The Great Book of Amber: The Complete Amber Chronicles: The Hand of Oberon, p479

Yeah, that. A couple of years ago I posted about acts and their consequences using this quote. Well, I've kind of worked through that piece of it. However, sometimes I find myself falling back into the habit of trying to figure out the why behind folks' behavior. Including my own. Yep. I, too, do things that make me go, "WTF???"

For example: suppose I go to bed after 200a because I am reading a book (which happens more often than I care to admit). Inevitably, I will wake up late, skip breakfast, just tether Chelsea outside instead of walking her, toss down some coffee, and run out the door. I'll down another cuppa, a Mt Dew, or a Coke (or two) before lunch, and probably something sugary and carbohydrate heavy out of the machine just because my stomach is empty. I might bolt a salad or half a sandwich at lunch (if I eat at all).

Result? By 200p, I'm going to be a mess, with no memory to speak of, making stupid mistakes, not thinking and wondering what is wrong with me. The answer to WHY I'm acting like a squirrel on crack isn't a mystery. The answer is I haven't done what I need to do to force my brain and body into line: I'm over caffeinated, under-exercised, and I haven't eaten enough for my high metabolism. My body is telling my brain to panic. DUH! No big mystery there. No need to do any deep analysis. Occam's Razor (in its most simplistic form) applies.


I'm learning to apply this way of thinking to other areas of my life as well. Sometimes I end up delving deeply into stuff that is really not that deep. Stuff that has a really simple, one sentence explanation when I pare it down. I don't have to go into any "post-humous psychoanalyses" about any of the things I wonder about. Ninety percent of the questions I ask of myself about stuff can be answered in one sentence. I don't need a defended dissertation. Just. One. Sentence.

So what does that mean in real life (or why does that merit this blog post)?

It means that I can free up brain space. When I can state the simplest answer to something...I free up that space in my head to work on things that are truly creative and beneficial to myself and to my son. Freed head space means I can think my way through the labyrinth that my life can sometimes become just because I am asking too many questions about things that just don't matter.

Why X? Because Y.

Simple.

Why did it take me an additional four years to figure that out? Because I like to make things more complicated than they really need to be. I have this thing about making things complicated.

And that is just silly of me. I can be silly without all the drama that sort of thing entails. ~shudder~ And it's much more fun besides. LOL!

Much more importantly however, if my mind is running madly to nowhere like some crazy insomniac hamster on a squeaky wheel, how can I keep my mind on God? Simple once sentence answer - I CAN'T.

A cleared mind allows me to focus on hearing His voice. I can renew my mind not by wondering about why X is/is not, but by keeping it on Him and on what His will is for me from day to day and moment to moment. If I am worried and concerned about so many trivial and random things, how can I ever hear Him as He promised I would be able to?

No more hamsters!

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Acts and Consequences
Occam's Razor
Colossians 3:1-4
Romans 12:1-2
Luke 10:38-42
John 10:3-5

A Prayer of St Ephraim the Syrian

Make me whole, O Lord, and I will become whole! O only wise and merciful Physician, I beseech Thy benevolence: heal the wounds of my soul and enlighten the eyes of my mind that I may understand my place in Thine eternal design! And inasmuch as my heart and mind have been disfigured, may Thy grace repair them, for it is as true salt.

What shall I say to Thee, O Knower of the heart who searchest the heart and inner workings of men? Indeed, Thou knowest that, like a waterless land, my soul thirsts after Thee and my heart longs for Thee. And Thy grace has always sated those that love Thee.

Thus, as Thou has always heard me, so now do not scorn my prayer. For Thou seest that my mind, like a prisoner, seeks Thee, the Only true Savior.

Send Thy grace, that it may satisfy my hunger and quench my thirst. For insatiably do I desire Thee, O my Master! And who can have enough of Thee if he truly loves Thee and thirsts for Thy truth?

O Giver of light! Fulfill my supplications and grant me Thy gifts according to my prayer; impart to my heart just one drop of Thy grace, that the flame of Thy love may begin to burn in my heart; and, like a fire, may it consume evil thoughts like thorns and thistles!

Give me all this in abundance; grant it to me as God unto man, as the King to His subjects, and increase it as a kind Father.

- A prayer by St. Ephraim the Syrian

The Mercy of Confession

I have sinned in deed, word and thought, knowingly and unknowingly, willingly and unwillingly, thoughtfully and thoughtlessly, and it is impossible to enumerate all of my sins because of their multitude. But I truly repent of these and all others not mentioned by me because of my forgetfulness and I ask that they be forgiven through the abundance of the Mercy of God.

~St John of Kronstadt, A Preparation for Confession

Sometimes just the thought of going to confession is a ready and helpful deterrent from sin. I mean seriously, who wants to go list out what they have done to someone's face? Especially someone who is in authority over you? I sometimes joke and say it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission, but honestly, it isn't. It so isn't. It's way easier to just not think/say/do stuff that I will find myself needing to confess later. I put it off and put it off but then I just have to go do it.

Come now, let us argue it out, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be like snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool. 

Isaiah 1:18

Praise God, but I think my Spiritual Father has seen and heard it all. He doesn't even blink. His gentle chiding  is always couched in kind words of guidance and love. He knows me. He knows where I have come from and what I have endured. He is so encouraging and his mercifulness when it comes to saying the truth but not in such a way as to rip me into shreds is such a blessing. Lord have mercy on my priest! He has to put up with meafter all!

Confession is one of the rites of the Church that I was most drawn to. Actually experiencing the forgiveness of God as spoken over me by the prayers that have come down to us since the earliest days of the Church is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given us. I have no idea why anyone would not want to--other than embarrassment and how minor is a few moments of embarrassment in the grand scheme of eternity?

Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective.

James 5:16

The Lord does know all my sins but for some reason He has decreed we should confess them aloud to Him before a witness. Considering how clean and light-hearted and renewed I always feel afterward, I am sure there is more to this command than just the nominally preventative power of embarrassment. After all, if it is really that embarrassing to you, you could just not confess it. But the command is there: Confess your sins to one another, not just get someplace quiet and tell God what He already knows. I don't pretend to know what it is beyond the collective recognition that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)

Whatever it is, I so appreciate what the Lord has done. His gifts are always good!

Lord, I thank you for the mercy you have shown me, the chiefest of sinners!

Fear...

...sometimes it makes us do things that are stupid beyond all mortal ken. Sometimes it makes us brave. Sometimes it makes us brave enough to do things that look stupider beyond all mortal ken to any eyes besides our own. I want to be brave, not stupid.

And I don't particularly care what people think about the things I do anymore.

I lift my eyes unto the hills.
Where does my help come from?

The Flight of Hamwings by Ursulav

My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not allow [my] foot to be moved;
He who keeps [me] will not slumber.
Behold, He who watches over Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord shall protect [me];
    the Lord is [my] shelter at [my] right hand.
The sun shall not burn [me] by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve [me] from all evil;
    the Lord shall preserve [my] soul.
The Lord shall preserve [my] going out and [my] coming in
    from this time forth, and forevermore.

~Psalm 121

O guard my life and deliver me;
   do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness preserve me,
    for I wait for you

~ Psalm 25:20-21

Vindicate me, O Lord,
   for I have walked in my integrity,
   and I have trusted in the Lord without wavering.
Prove me, O Lord, and try me;
   test my heart and mind.
For your steadfast love is before my eyes,
   and I walk in faithfulness to you...
..But as for me, I walk in my integrity;
   redeem me, and be gracious to me.
My foot stands on level ground;
   in the great congregation I will bless the Lord.

~Psalm 26:1-3, 11-12

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.






Relevant Reading
Psalm 121
Isaiah 54:4-8
Psalm 25
Psalm 26
The Flight of Hamwings

Memorial Day 2012

St George and the Dragon

O Savior, who for our sakes has endured the Cross and death, who has put hell to death and raised the dead, give rest, O God, in Thy love for mankind, to those who have departed from us; and at Thy dread and fearful coming, O Giver of Life, in the multitude of Thy mercies count them worthy of Thy Kingdom.

Faithful servant of God and invincible martyr, Saint George; favored by God with the gift of faith, and inflamed with an ardent love of Christ, thou didst fight valiantly against the dragon of pride, falsehood, and deceit. Neither pain nor torture, sword nor death could part thee from the love of Christ. I fervently implore thee for the sake of this love to help me by thy intercession to overcome the temptations that surround me, and to bear bravely the trials that oppress me, so that I may patiently carry the cross which is placed upon me; and let neither distress nor difficulties separate me from the love of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Valiant champion of the Faith, assist me in the combat against evil, that I may win the crown promised to them that persevere unto the end.

Holy St. George, pray to God for us and for our troops, current, past, and future, and for me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
The Myth and Legend of St George
St George Orthodox Military Association

But when their images I kiss, my heart is at ease

Christ the Bridegroom

Christ Pantocrator

Theotokos of Vladimir

Archangels Gabriel, Michael, and Raphael

St Ruth the Moabitess

St Elizabeth the New Martyr

St Monica of Africa

St Xenia of St Petersburg, the Fool-for-Christ

                                                                                            

St Mary of Egypt

To what, in such a manner, do you my Christian bow,

When you, O my Christian, venerate the icons?
Before the Living God the Creator, I am bowing down,
With all my soul, heart and mind, I bow down to Him.
Mortal am I and, am unable upon Him to gaze,
Therefore, before His image I bow;
What, my Christian, do you so fervently reverence,
When, the icon O my Christian, you kiss?
Christ the God and Savior, I am kissing,
The choirs of angels, the saints and the Mother of God.
Mortal am I and, therefore am unable them to touch,
But when their images I kiss, my heart is at ease.

~ St. Nikolai Velimirovic, The Prologue of Ochrid: Lives of the Saints, Reflections and Homilies for Every Day of the Year,

Relevant Reading
Why are vigil lamps lit before icons?
St Nikolai Velimirovic
Prayers by the Lake by St Nikolai Velimirovic
Bless My Enemies a prayer by St Nikolai Velimirovic
About The Prologue from Ohrid
The Prologue from Ohrid Online by St Nikolai Velimirovic