This Christmas

I was so blessed this holiday. I was set to not have my son and spend a lot of time alone but things changed.

Gabriel was scheduled to spend time with his father this year for Christmas. At the last minute, they decided not to go out of town and so we were able to spend Christmas Eve and morning together. We woke up early to open gifts and then went to liturgy where he played a shepherd in the nativity play.
Then we went to a friend's house so he could play and then I took him to his father so he could spend time over there. He's gone to his grandparents for the rest of this week now.

After I dropped him off, I went back to have supper with my friends. Oh my goodness! The food was so good! The company gave it that extra bit of "oomph" though. Conversation flowed like water and hugs and laughter abounded. Some of us girls even played dress-up and took pictures. LOL! I haven't had so much fun at Christmas in YEARS!

It made me think a lot about what "Christmas" is supposed to be. I have friends who do not celebrate the holiday for many reasons: it's materialistic, it's pagan, it's stupid. I think however the reason that really made me think was when a friend said, "We get all worked up over a single day but that single day can never measure up to the expectations we build for ourselves and have foisted on us by Madison Avenue. It just leads to all kinds of depression and loneliness and anger. What kind of "christian" holiday is that?"

Last year I wrote about how Christmas and the Feast of the Nativity According to the Flesh of Our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ differ to me. They are very different and they leave very different tastes in my mouth after they end. Gathering with family and friends to feast, fellowship and even exchange gifts is never a bad thing, you know. I am so blessed to be able to do it regularly (except for the gifts part).

Maybe God didn't ordain this holiday and maybe it does have some questionable trappings but does that mean we should not celebrate the Nativity of Our Lord at all? I question that. I mean, even the angels celebrated His birth and I think that they know a little bit about what is acceptable before God. After all, they are in His presence a bit more regularly than I am (and I blush to admit that).

Anyway, glory to God that He made this holiday time more than I would ever expect or imagine.



Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Luke 2:8-20

A Feminist Understands Why I Cover!

Why can't other folk??? ~smile~

When I recently launched one of my books on French television, the Parisian publisher told me the following (and I'm not lying to you, I may add, this is the actual truth): ' -- I couldn't care less what you say about women and feminism and all that stuff, as long as you remember to say that your book is incredibly pornographic and ... to be decolletee, and ...' The publisher looked with uncertainty at my hat and finally continued: -- 'and you can not wear anything on your head, people should be able to see your hair.'

Needless to say, I didn't follow his directives -- except for the last one: I agreed to bare my head. However, I'm not very keen on doing so. Hair is a gender characteristic for women, as sure as bald women are more handicapped and wounded in their gender identification than are bald men. Hence I'm surprised that so many women are bare-headed and expose their hair without a second thought. I feel that without hat or headgear you are without modesty. Without a hat, you become vulnerable to unwanted intimacy. The proof is that you are always asked -- in season and especially out of season -- to take off your hat, never your mitts or shoes. Wearing a hat, covering your head with a cap or veil, scarf or turban has something to do with your dignity and integrity. But also with modesty and humility vis-a-vis the cosmic forces. At the same time it also offers protection because, if there is nothing between head and heaven, you risk your brain mass evaporating into the universe! It is necessary to place a lid on the pot in order to condense the contents!

Not wearing headgear is a manifestation of thoughtless pride: as if you can commune with the heavens, just like that, without devotions. That's why in most countries you would not dream of entering a church without first covering your head.

And that's why the Jews wear a skullcap during prayer.

And that's why the Holy Teresa of Avila declared that 'a nun whose head is not properly covered is like a woman who is not properly wedded.'

Just a few generations ago, it was unthinkable even here to appear on the street or in the field without a hat or kerchief. It was indecent -- especially for married women.

And not for practical reasons, such as exposure to wind and weather, but for moral reasons. Although the compulsion to wear hats is forgotten, it has nevertheless survived in the subconscious. Were it not such a crucial matter -- whether the head should be covered or not-- there wouldn't be so many requests, especially from men, to bare it!

How often do I not hear this -- and often from perfect strangers upon first meeting them: -- 'Aren't you going to take your hat off pretty soon?' -- 'Can't I see you without the scarf?' -- 'Why don't you drop the turban?'

And I feel every time that it is a tactless and presumptuous demand -- because I don't take my hat off to just anybody. And not at all to those who ask. Over time it has become a clear code for me: I know for sure that I will never be on the same wavelength with those men who request first thing that I drop my hat.

Of course the hat creates a certain distance. But it is a consciously sought and necessary distance on which intimacy is founded. And you might as well give up trying to explain to those who do not instinctively understand this simple paradox.

By all means, I don't mind taking off my hat to the world, but how can I if I'm not wearing one?

I think I probably shocked many people in this country when I admitted that I would rather walk down the street without wearing underpants -- than without wearing a hat.

But, of course, in this regard I'm not alone. I agree with two-thirds of all women in the world -- with the traditional Catholic, the Orthodox, Muslim and Indian women -- who will not expose their hair in public. And only a minority of women worldwide wear underpants. But the majority cover their hair.

And it is not only men who demand that women must be veiled. Women themselves want it as well. Orthodox women hide their hair under a wig. In Afghanistan the disguise is extremely thorough: a pleated silken sack pulled over the head, with a small embroidered net-window for the eyes. But only those who have worn a veil will recognize the privilege that is is: to see everything while remaining invisible oneself.

As long as I'm still being challenged to take off my hat, I know why I keep it on.

The Necessity of Wearing a Hat by Suzanne Brogger, 1979

Follow Her Gaze

You have no idea who you are
But there is one who teaches
Linger for a moment in the light
Patience, follow her gaze

Unguard your wounded heart
Honor her with fragrant words
She has been expecting you
Watching out for your soul

Obey the wordless teaching
And voice the silent prayer
She gives her hand at the gate
There with you to enter in

David Dickens, Nothing Hypothetical blog

In the Gospel of St John, when Christ was crucified, His mother was there, watching. The youngest disciple, St John, was standing with her. In the extremes of His agony, the Lord took the time to provide for her because He was her only Son. He looked at "the disciple He loved" and said, "Here is your mother." And from that day on, the Theotokos lived with John. (John 19:25-27)

Now, if she had had other children by Joseph, Jesus would not have had to arrange for her care. One of her other children would have done it. Apparently, she did not and so He arranged for John to care for her so that she would not be without care in her old age. He had done much the same for the widow of Naim by raising her son from the dead. (Luke 7:11-15)

The Gospel, however, makes it a point to use the phrase, "the disciple Jesus loved". Who is that? If we take the words only literally (as some do) we can answer that question simply with the name John. But then again, am I not also one of the disciples of Jesus? He said He loved me as the Father loved Him and greater love has no man than he lay his life down for his friends. (John 15:9-13)

So that would make me also "the disciple who Jesus love[s]."

Should I not also take her into my home as well? How will I call her blessed as she prophecied that all generations would do (Luke 1:46-48) if I do not? Why do many people ignore the one whose "fiat" gave the Lord entrance to bring salvation? He would not have imposed Himself on her. She gave her consent, "Let it be unto me according to the Lord's will." (Luke 1:38)

It's not dangerous to regard the Theotokos with respect and reverence. She always points to Christ--He alone is the Way the Truth and the Life (John 14:6). She always and only says, "Do what He tells you." (John 2:5). If you follow her gaze, she looks to Him. She points at Him.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us!

Relevant Reading
Luke 1:38
Luke 1:46-48
Luke 7:11-15
John 2:5
John 14:6
John 15:9-13
John 19:25-27

Note to Self

When the manna falls, collect it and use it that day.

Relevant Reading
Exodus 16:15-21

Manna Falling

Just want to be clear about what these miracles are to which I am becoming accustomed.
They are all manna.
These miracles are the ones that get you through the desert, not take you out of it.
For these miracles, you have to be in the desert.
As in the poem Footprints in the Sand, this manna from God is getting us through our struggles, not taking our struggles away.
Glory to God!
from Maria's blog

The house of Israel called it manna; it was like coriander seed, white, and the taste of it was like wafers made with honey.
Exodus 16:31

Remember the long way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, in order to humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commandments. He humbled you by letting you hunger, then by feeding you with manna, with which neither you nor your ancestors were acquainted, in order to make you understand that one does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. The clothes on your back did not wear out and your feet did not swell these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a parent disciplines a child so the Lord your God disciplines you. Therefore keep the commandments of the Lord your God, by walking in his ways and by fearing him.
Deuteronomy 8:2-5

These miracles are the ones that get you through the desert, not take you out of it. Yes definitely. Sometimes things come to you to get you through. A sweet, courteous voice on the phone when you expect rudeness. A telemarketer volunteering information that will provide assistance when they originally called to ask for money. A company agreeing to reduce the cost of something. Friends asking how they can help.

For some reason though, I seem to need to be in almost-but-not-quite dire straits to recognize when the manna drifts down.

I wish I would recognize it sooner. Thank you Father for the wonderful sweet manna that you send my way daily. Help me to see it for what it is and to gather it, and use it that day.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Verses
Exodus 16:31
Deuteronomy 8:2-5

Really?

I would like to see someone in power address this issue with no red herrings about other classic works, no cries of "homophobia" or anything else. Just a real and honest answer about why this president, this man and this organization think erotica is good for kids to read. And people wonder why I continue to homeschool and support homeschooling. ~sigh~


Relevant Reading
An Open Letter

Kindling Kinder

I haven’t felt much like writing for a while. I’ve been going through some things that just don’t translate to the written word very well. Life is like that I suppose. I’ve been coming to grips with some new changes in myself and my life that have occurred over the past couple of months.

I think the most important thing is that I am trying to concentrate on what Gabriel becomes. A friend of mine posted the following quote at OCC a few weeks ago and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Especially considering he is a homeschooled kiddo. I don’t take credit for how well he is doing, but I also spend a lot less time with him than I would prefer, and honestly, I do not want to spend all of the little bit of time we do have together making him read things he hates and do stupid blinking worksheets. Anyway, here’s the quote:

Beloved Christians, you and your children shall appear at that Judgment of Christ, and you shall give account for them to the just Judge. He will not ask you whether you have taught your children the arts or whether you have taught them to speak French, or German, or Italian, but whether you have taught them to live as Christians.

~ St. Tikhon of Zadonsk

Don’t get me wrong, I know Gabriel needs to know his reading writing and arithmetic. That is not the point. The point is, am I teaching him what it is to live what we believe above and beyond the worksheets and textbooks? He’s not going to get a pop quiz on the original 13 colonies at the Judgment Seat of Christ. When I ask myself “Am I teaching him this well?” I still have to answer, I don’t think I am. Not in some respects.

In the book, Kindling the Divine Spark, St Theophan the Recluse wrote:

[In this earthly life], lay men and lay women…don’t see what is in our hearts, but this is hidden only for a while. How ashamed we will be when, before everyone who knows us now, it will be revealed that in our hearts we were not what our [monastic] habits now show us to be…It is not enough to live in a monastery. It is not enough to be virgins. It is not enough to fast. It is not enough to labor and make prostrations. You have to fill your hearts with all sorts of good dispositions…which make our souls the pleasing brides of God and allow us to enter the palace of His glory…If there will not be good dispositions in our hearts, the door will be closed against us and we will hear through it: Depart! I knew you not!

~ St Theophan the Recluse

I don’t want him to find my example lacking. As St Francis of Assisi said, “Preach Christ always, and if necessary, use words.” Is that pride? I hope not. I simply want him to know what is important. I want him to know truth and untruth and have the ability to tell the difference between them. I want him to experience the joy of being a child without unnecessary stress or having to always work. Life isn't about working all the time.

My desire is to leave a legacy of love and joy with Gabriel. I want him to have a good foundation not only with his education but in the things that really matter. I am discovering so late in my life what is important. I don’t want him to miss out on what I missed out on by leaving it until he is 40 and wondering what was the license plate of that truck that just hit me.

“Reality."

Relevant Reading

Matthew 25:1-13

Don't Just Stand There..DO Something!

Unfortunately I have no clue what that is.

Wrong Turns

...There is a common understanding of Providence, common in our culture, that would tend to see only one highway for our life [God's plan] and that would argue that wrong decisions can only be corrected by returning to the previous point and starting over. Thus when we take a wrong turn – we must go back and correct it and get back on the previous route.

This reminds me of the GPS unit in my car which occasionally, having run out of “on-the-map” solutions, says, “If possible make a U-turn!”

There is another understanding of Providence, more common in the Eastern Fathers, in which God’s work in our lives is seen as far more creative. There is not one route, but one destination. Thus if we make a wrong turn, God is quite capable of continuing to bring us to union with Him. The problem is not that of a route, but of our heart.
Wrong Turns and the Providence of God, Fr Stephen

Often I hear people say, "Well what was the last thing God told you to do? Go back and do that." Well good grief, sometimes I don't even remember what the last thing He told me to do was. How messed up is that? If I can't recall exactly what it was am I just up a creek? No boat, no paddle?

The Eastern perspective helps. It helps a lot. Most of the time, you can't go back to where you messed up because you just don't know exactly where that was or it's just plain impossible to do because of circumstances. Understanding that God is about the destination--union with Him--and not about the exact route that union takes takes some of the pressure off.

When I was at university, I used to say, "I don't do anything I will regret." Arrogant, no? Nowadays, I regret many things. There is so much I wish I had never done, people I wish I had never associated with, choices I wish hadn't made, words I wish had never come out of my mouth. There is no way to un-do those things.

Thanks be to God that He doesn't need me to! He can take care of things Himself, in spite of me. Perhaps I can know some of His good and perfect will, but He knows the complete plan and how I fit into it and He can fix what I screw up. What He wants from me is to conform myself to Him the best way I can. I think He's figured out now that I will screw up regularly. Praise God for His mercy because I definitely need it. But my screw-ups are not the end of it. Knowing that makes life a little easier.

I am not so arrogant as to believe that I'm any holier than anyone else. Even a blind man can see how untrue that is. That's a mistake I hope never to make. I also know that thinking repentance is just saying "I'm sorry,"that salvation is the work of a moment and that grace returns quickly are equally mistaken beliefs.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner!

Relevant Reading
Romans 8:28-29, 38-39
Romans 12:2
Philippians 2:12

Yeah...

That person in the parachute...That would be me. Thank you Jesus for your mercy on me!

Attend!

During the liturgy, the deacon chants "Wisdom! Attend!" to remind the congregation to pay close attention because something important is about to be said.

God speaks to me in specific ways that get my attention. I think He must do that for all people. We just need to tune in to whatever channel He speaks to us on. We need to be attentive and constantly listening. I think if He used to speak to you and has stopped, you must still need to be obedient to the last thing He said to do. At least that has been my experience. I'm willing to be wrong. On my channel, God has been nudging me about a few things lately. Gentle nudges. (Now that I understand how He speaks to me, He doesn't have to whack me over the head with a 2x4 to get my attention. Much. ~wink~) There are new things, things I need to do to get ready for this next chapter of my life He has in store for me. And there are things I need to be continually doing that He is reminding me of.

With the Nativity Fast coming up in just a couple of weeks (wow this year has gone by so quickly!!), I can prepare myself even more because even though some of the things I need to do are easy and will be no tribble at all, others will be exactly like peeling my own skin off with a cheese grater.

I think the thing that boosts my anxiety to its highest levels will be creating a livable schedule to deal with the changes in my life that school will bring about. I get fatigued very easily simply because of how I am wired. In spite of that, I need to add in regular, daily, hard exercise. Anyone who knows me knows I don't believe in sweating so that in itself is going to be a major issue. Then I need to put in study time, work, and schooling Gabriel...Whyizzit I can organize everything and everyone else under the sun except my life?

And then there is That Other Thing I'm going to have to come to grips with eventually.

As St Paul says, "I can do all things through Him Who strengthens me."

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Philippians 4:13
On the Nativity Fast - The Preparation of the Soul

I Like This Guy!

Because it is the most character-building, two-letter word in the English language, children have the right to hear their parents say "No" at least three times a day.
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Children have the right to find out early in their lives that their parents don't exist to make them happy, but to offer them the opportunity to learn the skills they will need to eventually make themselves happy.
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Children have a right to scream all they want over the decisions their parents make, albeit their parents have the right to confine said screaming to certain areas of their homes.
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Children have the right to find out early that their parents care deeply for them but don't give a hoot what their children think about them at any given moment in time.
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Because it is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, children have the right to hear their parents say "Because I said so" on a regular and frequent basis.
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Because it is the most character-building activity a child can engage in, children have the right to share significantly in the doing of household chores.
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Every child has the right to discover early in life that he isn't the center of the universe (or his family or his parents' lives), that he isn't a big fish in a small pond, and that he isn't the Second Coming, so as to prevent him from becoming an insufferable brat.
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Children have the right to learn to be grateful for what they receive, therefore, they have the right to receive all of what they truly need and very little of what they simply want.
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Children have the right to learn early in their lives that obedience to legitimate authority is not optional, that there are consequences for disobedience, and that said consequences are memorable and, therefore, persuasive.
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Every child has the right to parents who love him/her enough to make sure he/she enjoys all of the above rights.
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www.rosemond.com...in touch with common sense.
All content Copyright 2007-2009, John K. Rosemond. Please seek permission before using any material contained on www.rosemond.com.

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Recently I have been amazed by God's goodness. He has come through for me in so many ways this month that I cannot even begin to thank Him for all He's done!

God is Good!

Somedays I wonder why He puts up with me. I complain and b!tch and whine and moan, only to discover that He's had the issue covered all the time!

Hallelujah! Lord have mercy on me a faithless sinner!

Wisdom

Today I spent two hours being given hope. I know that sounds odd but the whole time I was thinking, "I can do this! This is possible!"

For the longest time, I have had a dream and now I know it is not an impossible dream. I know there is, in all honesty, probability that I will be able to achieve this dream!

Glory be to God! Thank you, Father, for your goodness! Please continue to have mercy on me, a sinner!

Looking for Something Good

Tsa-wa-ke, Looking for Something Good, was too beautiful to have been produced by chance. Her features looked as though they had been carved in cedar by a master, then rubbed smooth and oiled until they glowed and flowed in graceful curves from her rounded chin to ther vaulting black eyebrows.
Ride the Wind, Lucia St Clair Robson, p57

I love internet quizzes. I take random quizzes just to entertain myself and see if I can fool the quiz or if the answer will be what I think it is. It's a moderate amount of fun and makes for a good time waster when I need to be doing something (anything) else.

I recently took one called, "What's Your Indian [Native American] Name" and got the result Star Willow or something lame like that. I mean it was pretty but rather, ah, stereotypical. When I took it, I remembered this book I read a million years ago who had a name that really struck me. Tsa-wa-ke, Looking for Something Good. She was tall, beautiful, intelligent, fun-loving and (as eventually revealed) flawed. In other words, she was human.

I too could claim that name. I am also "Looking for Something Good". So much has happened since the bomb dropped a couple of years ago that I think I have just been waiting for the smoke to clear and the ejecta to quit falling. Now the damage has been assessed and the triage completed, it is time to move away from Ground Zero and quit going back to poke at the destruction.

By no means does this mean everything is hunky dorey, sunshine and puppy dogs. What it means is that I see sun! I see blessing! I expect to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!

I am Looking for Something Good! I am Holy and Redeemed! I am Sought Out and Not Forsaken! I am Delighted In and Worthy! I have been given a calling and a new name!

Alleluia! Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

Relevant Verses
Ruth 3:11
Psalm 40
Psalm 55
Isaiah 54
Isaiah 62 (Isaiah 62:2)
Revelation 2:17
Revelation 3:12

When You Fall, Rise

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook today:

"When you fall, rise, and when you sin, repent. Just never let the poison of despair penetrate into your heart, seeing the great sea of God's compassion. No matter how many sins one commits, they go away and vanish in the sea of God's goodness."
Elder Ephraim

Such a good thing to remember.

Temptation

I am often tempted. Many things tempt me. Many times I fall into it, but I struggle not to succumb. Nothing good ever comes of it. As the book says, first the lust, then the conception of sin, then the birth of the sin and the destruction.

I've experienced all of the above. I've been a victim of others who did all of the above. I've wrought all of the above. I praise the Lord and rely so heavily on the ability to ask for forgiveness for what I have done. The Lord knows I have enough on my hands to make a whole new disastrous world. Only the Lord can cleanse me of that. I know it. I admit it. Have mercy on me, a sinner.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to Thy great mercy; and according to the multitude of Thy compassions, blot out my transgression. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I realize my iniquity, and my sin is before me continually. Against Thee only have I sinned I and done evil in Thy sight, that Thou mayest be justified in Thy words and win when Thou art judged.For, behold, I was conceived in iniquities, and in sins did my mother desire me. For, lo, Thou lovest truth; the unknown and secret things of Thy wisdom Thou hast made known to me. Thou shalt sprinkle me with hyssop, and I shall be cleansed; Thou shalt wash me, and I shall become whiter than snow.Thou shalt make me hear joy and gladness; the bones that have been humbled will rejoice. Turn Thy face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from Thy face, I and take not Thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation, and confirm me with a princely spirit. I shall teach Thy ways to the lawless and the godless will return to Thee. Deliver me from blood, O God - O God of my salvation - and my tongue shall extol Thy justice. O Lord, Thou wilt open my lips, and my mouth shall declare Thy praise. For if Thou hadst desired sacrifice, I would have given it; but burnt offerings do not please Thee. The sacrifice for God is a contrite spirit; a contrite and humble heart God will not despise. Gladden Sion, O Lord, with Thy good will; and let the walls of Jerusalem be built. Then Thou wilt be pleased with the sacrifice of righteousness, the oblation and burnt offerings; then they will offer calves on Thine altar.

Save, Lord, and have mercy on those who hate me and offend me, and do me harm. Do not let them perish because of me, a sinner.

Relevant Verses
Psalm 51 (50)
1 Corinthians 10:13
James 1:12-16

Distraction

Now as they went on their way, he entered a certain village, where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to what he was saying. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks; so she came to him and asked, ‘Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her then to help me.’ But the Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.’
Luke 10:38-42 emphasis mine

Distraction seems to be the name of the game for me these days. Once upon a time, I could focus quite easily for hours on whatever it was I was doing: writing, reading, studying. I could totally absorb myself in the flow and lose track of all time. These days I am sometimes surprised to make it all the way home in one piece.

Main Entry: ²dis·tract Pronunciation: \di-ˈstrakt\

Function: transitive verb

Etymology: Middle English, from Latin distractus, past participle of distrahere, literally, to draw apart, from dis- + trahere to draw

Date: 14th century

- having the attention diverted especially because of anxiety

Well that explains a few things and is relatively apropos.

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Philippians 4:6

Therein lies the rub, I think. I'm already muddling things up by being "worried and distracted by many things" after I've been expressly told not to worry about anything.

When I wasn't worried, when I was sure about my course and about what was right and what was wrong, I was not distracted. I was firmly founded. Now I am worse than any sapling in a wind, because at least the sapling has roots! I feel like a leaf. Or rather I feel like I am trying to catch, catalog and file fallen leaves in autumn during a windstorm. (There's a mental image for you.)

WHY?? Those dang leaves don't need catching, cataloging or filing! They fell off because dead leaves fall. I don't need to subject myself to an OCD moment of trying to fix them. The leaves don't need fixing. They aren't fixable. They need to be bagged up and put on the corner with the rest of the trash so they can be carted away and forgotten about.

Brilliant eh?

Let's see if I can do it. ~wink~

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Times are Tough, Money's Hard...

To have faith in Christ means more than simply despising the delights of this life. It means we should bear all our daily trials that may bring us sorrow, distress, or unhappiness, and bear them patiently for as long as God wishes and until He comes to visit us. For it is said, “I waited on the Lord and He came to me.”
~ St. Symeon the New Theologian

Thank you, Maria, so much for that quote. This has been a rather hard month for me, financially, emotionally, physically. (Beware I'm unloading here)

My back has really been hurting and I'm looking at the possibility of surgery (I got the results of the MRI and it isn't pretty). The truck needs tires. I had to pay some unexpected bills and etc etc etc ad nauseaum, ad infinitum. Isn't that always the case?

Anyway, I've been really feeling it right now and this quote really hit the spot. I went to confession recently, realizing that some of my problems are of my own causing--I mean really, does a fish need a bicycle? Does a rhino need a lightsaber? Then why am I trying to supply my personal fishes and rhinos with bicycles and lightsabers??? Doesn't sound like wisdom to me.

~heavy, heavy sigh~

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Please pray for me.

Truth.

It is not enemies who taunt me—
I could bear that;
it is not adversaries who deal insolently with me—
I could hide from them.
¹³But it is you, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend,
¹⁴with whom I kept pleasant company;
we walked in the house of God with the throng.
¹⁵Let death come upon them;
let them go down alive to Sheol;
for evil is in their homes and in their hearts.

But I call upon God,
and the Lord will save me.
¹⁷Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
and he will hear my voice.
¹⁸He will redeem me unharmed
from the battle that I wage,
for many are arrayed against me.
¹⁹God, who is enthroned from of old,
Selah
will hear, and will humble them—
because they do not change,
and do not fear God.

²⁰My companion laid hands on a friend
and violated a covenant with me ^*
21with speech smoother than butter,
but with a heart set on war;
with words that were softer than oil,
but in fact were drawn swords
Psalm 55:12-21

God be merciful to me...I too have sinned and hurt others, manipulated and schemed and sought my own way. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!

What Do I Do With Myself???

You ask, "Shouldn't I be doing something?" Of course that is necessary. Do whatever falls into your hands, in your circle and in your situation--and believe that this is and will be your true work; nothing more from you is required. It is a great error to think that you must undertake important and great labors, whether for heaven or, as the progressives think, in order to make one's contribution to humanity. That is not necessary at all. It is necessary only to do everything in accordance with the Lord's commandments. Just exactly what is to be done? Nothing in particular, just that which presents itself to each one according to the circumstances of his life and which is demanded by the individual events with which each of us meets.
The Spiritual Life & How to Be Attuned to It, St Theophan the Recluse, Letter 16

Metathoughts, or Where am I Going in this Handbasket???

The simplest definition of "meta-thinking" (albeit imprecise) could be thinking about what you are thinking about. How often do I do that? Not as much as I would like to or should. Sometimes I think after I do something and that's definitely the wrong way 'round altogether. As Celie in The Color Purple said,

"Well, us talk and talk about God, but I’m still adrift...I been so busy thinking bout him I never truly notice nothing God make. Not a blade of corn (how it do that?) not the color purple (where it come from?)..."

And Shug Avery's reply:

"More than anything God love admiration...No, not vain, just wanting to share a good thing. I think it pisses God off when you walk by the colour purple in a field and don't notice it...Everything wanna be loved. Us sing and dance, and holla just wanting to be loved. Look at them trees. Notice how the trees do everything people do to get attention... except walk?"

I'm certain that is not the way it's supposed to be. God made the world for us to notice and love it just as He does us. Today, I almost held up traffic to stare at a rainbow. It was a gorgeous quarter-arc of brilliant color slicing through clouds of various shades of grey, blue-grey and white. Then, on my way home, I just wanted to pull off the road and stare at the clouds. They piled over each other and blew in the wind across some of the most brilliantly blue sky I've seen in a while; sprinkled rain and turned silver in the sunlight.

But in all my admiration for the clouds and rainbow, I just now realize I never once thought about the One who created that. Why?

Because my mind is filled with all manner of things except what is truly important. I spent the past couple of days thinking about the things that are important. About priorities and hierarchies that I want to observe and teach my son to observe. Yet here in my own life I realize I did not recognize the true importance of the dazzling display in the sky that so captivated me on my way home.

That I believe in one God, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, and it is meet and right to worship the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, at all times and in all places bowing down before Him and singing the triumphal hymn, "Holy Holy Holy!"

Instead of a miracle of light and water and air, I notice clouds and some random act of physics that is pretty and transient but essentially of no import compared to leaving work, getting to the grocery store, fighting traffic to get home, balancing the checkbook, folding laundry, etc etc etc ad nauseum ad infinitum.

I am...unquiet...inside. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy.

I am reading some of the works of St Theophan the Recluse now and, while I've never read him before, his words are familiar. So many of the saints have said the same thing: the spirit must control the soul/mind or else it will always be disquieted and unsatisfied. It will not focus on anything but satisfying it's own myriad and infinite carnal needs/desires but nothing carnal can fulfill it because what is truly desired is a spiritual satisfaction. The soul only knows what is important when the spirit is strong enough to rein it in.

My spirit needs some training. I'm thinking she is getting somewhat, well, flabby. I've lost my peace many times lately for many reasons that I really should not. Reasons that are truly truly not worth my peace. I'm not "keeping" my own heart. I'm not self-disciplined anymore. A truly ugly concept in this day and age, I know, but it is a must. Once my spiritual disciplines become lax, so do all my others. The spirit is the leader and must lead.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Verses
1 Corinthians 9:24-25
Galatians 5:16-26
2 Timothy 2:3-5
Hebrews 12:5-13

Thoughts

"If you are friendly with someone who happens to fall into the temptation of fornication, offer him your hand, if you can, and deliver him from it. But if he falls into heresy and you cannot persuade him to turn from it, separate yourself quickly from him, in case, if you delay, you too may be dragged down with him into the pit." ~ Abba Theodore

A Parent's Holiness

The Elder was once asked, "My daughter is living a dissolute life, how can I save her?" To which he responded: "Only with your own holiness. A parent's holiness saves their children."
Elder Porphyrios, "Wounded by Love"

I can only hope that God will grant me the ability to live a life of holiness for Gabriel's sake. I've screwed up quite often in this respect. My poor boy doesn't need any more of that in his life. It's bad enough that he's pulled like taffy between two sets of homes; that our time together is so limited due to current circumstances therefore half my time with him is spent reminding him of the rules of my home. Somedays I just want to press a button and erase the past three years or so and start over. The result may not be perfect but at least I wouldn't be so worried about him all the time.

The Lord promised me he would be okay and that He would teach Gabriel for me. I must have faith and rely on that fact. Otherwise there is nothing left for me except despair. Concentrating on me and my salvation while continuing to give Gabriel to the Lord is the important thing.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

The Chapter That Spoke

Sing, O barren one who did not bear;
burst into song and shout,
you who have not been in labour!
For the children of the desolate woman will be more
than the children of her that is married, says the Lord.
Enlarge the site of your tent,
and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;
do not hold back; lengthen your cords
and strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left,
and your descendants will possess the nations
and will settle the desolate towns.

Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;
do not be discouraged, for you will not suffer disgrace;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the disgrace of your widowhood you will remember no more.
For your Maker is your husband,
the Lord of hosts is his name;
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
For the Lord has called you
like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit,
like the wife of a man’s youth when she is cast off,
says your God.
For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with great compassion I will gather you.
In overflowing wrath for a moment
I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,
says the Lord, your Redeemer.

This is like the days of Noah to me:
Just as I swore that the waters of Noah
would never again go over the earth,
so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you
and will not rebuke you.
For the mountains may depart
and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,
says the Lord,who has compassion on you.

O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted,
I am about to set your stones in antimony,
and lay your foundations with sapphires.
I will make your pinnacles of rubies,
your gates of jewels,
and all your wall of precious stones.
All your children shall be taught by the Lord,
and great shall be the prosperity of your children.
In righteousness you shall be established;
you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;
and from terror, for it shall not come near you.
If anyone stirs up strife,
it is not from me;
whoever stirs up strife with you
shall fall because of you.
See, it is I who have created the smith
who blows the fire of coals,
and produces a weapon fit for its purpose;
I have also created the ravager to destroy.
No weapon that is fashioned against you shall prosper,
and you shall confute every tongue that rises against you in judgement.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord
and their vindication from me, says the Lord.
Isaiah 54

I was so grateful to read this almost immediately after praying one day almost exactly two years ago. My life was falling apart, a friend wasn't a friend, my family was being destroyed from the inside out and I was despairing of anything and everything. I went to a Bible study at a friend's house and we just did a word study, picking words that described how we felt at the moment, finding them in a concordance and reading the attached verses.

When I chose "forsaken", "betrayed" and "abandoned" the concordance led me to this chapter of Isaiah which I cannot recall ever reading before.

To this day, my Bible falls open at that spot. I live there. I curl up there and remember that the Lord loves me, remembers me, knows my pain and has a plan to redeem it for me.

Glory to the Father , to the Son and to the Holy Spirit!

"That is Soooo Six Months Ago!"

Just a few months ago, maybe April, maybe May, at my job we got the most beautiful summer skirts and blouses ever. They were lovely colors in soft, cool fabrics that just made you want to touch them and wear them and spin around in front of a mirror singing, "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story once you put them on. Seriously, they were all that and a bag of chips.

Today I looked at a couple (okay, twelve) of those skirts, shook my head, rolled my eyes and sighed, "Oh, this is so six months ago! I can't believe we have so many of these stupid things left. They are taking up so much room! Can we get recall soon???" And I boxed some of them away in the back because, frankly, we just don't have room for the things in this new floor set and there is some way prettier stuff already in for September.

HA!! In few months I'll probably be saying the same thing about the oh-so-cute September clothes.

How fickle people are. I am. I mean I know it's just clothes but don;t we do the same thing to other parts of our lives? Even people? I recall telling someone my favorite song and having them laugh and tell me, "Oh that is so old! Don't you listen to music from NOW?" The song in question had been number one on the charts just a year earlier!

Last year, Obama could do no wrong and now folks are coming out of the woodwork to disagree with him. In 2001, Bush had the whole country behind him and just a few months later folks were calling for his assassination (yes I recall the signs and the protests and the craziness even if the MSM does not). I've seen once passionate marriages and intense friendships go from love to hate in less than 24 hours. I've had a trusted friend become a hated enemy in even less time. The ease with which the human mind can do a 180 is staggering. Frightening.

Why are we are so capricious and vapid (Psalm 39:5)? It's not how we were created. We were created in the image and likeness of God (Genesis 1:26-27) and He doesn't randomly change His mind (Numbers 23:19) and go in a different direction based on who-knows-what silly reason. Why do I? Why am I so inconstant? How can I become more constant?

Lord have mercy on me a sinner!

I close my eyes
Only for a moment, then the moments gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind
Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind, ohh
Now, don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
(All we are is dust in the wind)
Dust in the wind
(Everything is dust in the wind)
Everything is dust in the wind
The wind
Dust in the Wind, Kansas

Relevant Verses/Reading
Genesis 1:26-27
Psalm 39:5
James 4:14
Numbers 23:19

Prayer of St Philaret

Lord, I know not what to ask of Thee; Thou alone knowest what is needed for me. Thou dost love me more than I know how to love Thee. O Father, give to Thy servant that for which I do not even know how to beg. I dare not ask for either a cross or for consolation; I am only standing before Thee with my heart open to Thee. Thou seest my needs which I do not even know; see and deal with me according to Thy mercy. Purge and heal me, humble me and raise me; I am in awe before Thee and I am silent before Thy will and Thy unfathomable ways for me. I bring myself as a sacrifice to Thee; teach me to pray. Pray Thyself in me. Amen.
Prayer of St. Philaret of Moscow

I have no idea how to pray some days. I love the written prayers kept by the Church because they fulfill so many of my needs. I know they are Biblical and the words keep my mind focused so much more than trying to pray "extemporaneously". God knows I don't need an excuse for distraction!

Also, they never fail to prime the pump for me. When I was in the midst of deep depression and unable to find any words at all beyond screaming "WHY????" those written prayers of the saints helped me find the words I needed so I would not scream and rant all the time.

I so appreciate the saints! Their wisdom and lives and words echo down through the ages to let us know we are not alone. We always have intercessors and witnesses and they've lent us their words to see us through those times when we don't have any.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

A Prayer of Preparation for Confession

I, a sinful soul, confess to our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ, all of my evil acts which I have done, said or thought from baptism even unto this present day.

I have not kept the vows of my baptism, but have made myself unwanted before the face of God.

I have sinned before the Lord by lack of faith and by doubts concerning the Orthodox Faith and the Holy Church; by ungratefulness for all of God's great and unceasing gifts; His long-suffering and His providence for me, a sinner; by lack of love for the Lord, as well as fear, through not fulfilling the Holy Commandments of God and the canons and rules of the Church.

I have not preserved a love for God and for my neighbor nor have I made enough efforts, because of laziness and lack of care, to learn the Commandments of God and the precepts of the Holy Fathers.

I have sinned: by not praying in the morning and in the evening and in the course of the day; by not attending the services or by coming to Church only half-heartedly, lazily and carelessly; by conversing during the services, by not paying attention, letting my mind wander and by departure from the Church before the dismissal and blessing.

I have sinned by judging members of the clergy.

I have sinned by not respecting the Feasts, breaking the Fasts, and by immoderation in food and drink.

I have sinned by self-importance, disobedience, willfulness, self-righteousness, and the seeking of approval and praise.

I have sinned by unbelief, lack of faith, doubts, despair, despondency, abusive thoughts, blasphemy and swearing.

I have sinned by pride, a high opinion of my self, narcissism, vanity, conceit, envy, love of praise, love of honors, and by putting on airs.

I have sinned: by judging, malicious gossip, anger, remembering of offenses done to me, hatred and returning evil for evil; by slander, reproaches, lies, slyness, deception and hypocrisy; by prejudices, arguments, stubbornness, and an unwillingness to give way to my neighbor; by gloating, spitefulness, taunting, insults and mocking; by gossip, by speaking too much and by empty speech.

I have sinned by unnecessary and excessive laughter, by reviling and dwelling upon my previous sins, by arrogant behavior, insolence and lack of respect.

I have sinned by not keeping my physical and spiritual passions in check, by my enjoyment of impure thoughts, licentiousness and unchastity in thoughts, words and deeds.

I have sinned by lack of endurance towards my illnesses and sorrows, a devotion to the comforts of life and by being too attached to my parents, children, relatives and friends.

I have sinned by hardening my heart, having a weak will and by not forcing myself to do good.

I have sinned by miserliness, a love of money, the acquisition of unnecessary things and immoderate attachment to things.

I have sinned by self-justification, a disregard for the admonitions of my conscience and failing to confess my sins through negligence or false pride.

I have sinned many times by my Confession: belittling, justifying and keeping silent about sins.

I have sinned against the Most-holy and Life-creating Mysteries of the Body and Blood of our Lord by coming to Holy Communion without humility or the fear of God.

I have sinned in deed, word and thought, knowingly and unknowingly, willingly and unwillingly, thoughtfully and thoughtlessly, and it is impossible to enumerate all of my sins because of their multitude. But I truly repent of these and all others not mentioned by me because of my forgetfulness and I ask that they be forgiven through the abundance of the Mercy of God.

St John of Kronstadt

Holy St John, pray to God for us!

A Prayer from a Friend

Sweet Mother of us all,

In birth, you preserved your virginity; in death, you did not abandon the world, O Theotokos.

As mother of life, you departed to the source of life, delivering our souls from death by your intercessions.

Mother, deliver us from the temptations and unjust accusations of the cunning and evil serpent; he who has brought games and confusion into our lives and through his jealousy has manipulated our actions and altered the will of God in our lives. Help us to love each other and, Mariam, be 'patient with us' - we are only little children who need you to guide us daily with your motherly care and perfect example.

Mother of our Lord, Theotokos, Mariam, love of my life, my heart cries out to you in great affliction and grief; wipe away my tears and set me on the straight path - guard and protect those whom I love and those who do not love me ... through the mercy of your Son and our Saviour, Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

Our Unique Flaws

A Little Spiritual Help
OUR UNIQUE FLAWS

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer? "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

[Commentary]

God calls us not as we should be but as we are. Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. If we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to bring beauty and grace in service of God and humanity. In God's great economy, nothing goes to waste.

So when you hear God calling you to the tasks He has appointed for you, don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and allow God to take advantage of them, and you, too, can be the cause of beauty in His pathway. Go out boldly, knowing that in our weaknesses, we find His strength. Remember that God doesn't always call the qualified, but He always qualifies the called.


Source for Cracked Pot folk tale is obscure
Commentary by Rev. Fr. John-Brian Paprock
"Healing and Thanksgiving" sermon, November 24, 1999
http://www.angelfire.com/wi/theosis/healing.html