The Panda Story (As Requested)

Just to set the background...I am an only child. I have multiplicitous cousins but we are very close in age and so I never really learned about babies. If there was a baby nearby, there was also a mother nearby. If the baby cried or did something stinky or gross, I gave it back. I also never babysat as a teenager; I worked for my mom and grandfather's catering business when I needed money. So my knowledge of babies and their ways, and what to expect when I acquired my own, was limited to sitcoms and watching the occasional cousins raise theirs from a distance. When we found out about Gabriel I was thrilled but also a little apprehensive. However, I figured I could read all about it. There are like a BILLION books about raising babies out there, right? And I had my aunts and mother-in-law too, right?

So Gabriel was born at the end of June.

Rewind to about the first or second week in March. I was at home doing some random stuff and watching a documentary on pandas in China. The story was about how the scientists are trying to raise the panda population because pandas are just not into sex. They would much rather eat some bamboo, and inspect their toes, and think deep panda thoughts--which do not involve sex.

There was this one girl panda the scientists had been trying to get pregnant for a LONG time. I don't remember her name but she was about 15 years old and apparently very happy in her cublessness. They tried everything to get her interested in the mating thing but she wasn't having it. She was quite content. Then one day, they put her in a nice open pen with a male panda while she was in estrous. 

It was hilarious. In a scene lasting a good 5-7 minutes (probably edited together), the boy panda wandered over, gave her a sniff, and then moseyed off to eat some bamboo. She just sat there (on her relevant parts I might say) munching. When she got up and ambled over to sample another pile of bamboo, boy panda heaved a huge sigh, thought for a moment, then followed her. She was in the right position after all. He clambered up and then they just sort of stood there, chewing. After a moment she sat down again, he slid off and they both sat there eating bamboo. The scientists (who were watching because panda porn is just that hot) groaned. So they separated the the two red-hot lovers and decided to use the turkey-baster method. After a couple tries they finally got her pregnant. She was NOT happy about this (I can totally relate, my panda sistah). She had been a very happy panda to this point and she did not appreciate getting knocked up by a turkey-baster (of all things). Even the scientists talked about how offended she seemed by the whole thing. She had once been a fairly easy-going girl and now she was GRUMPY. LOL!

Finally, she was ready to give birth. They had created a "cave" at the facility for her to give birth in. She grumpily went into the "cave" and got ready to give birth. There was lots of bamboo there to pacify her.

God, in His infinite wisdom and sense of humor, has decreed that when baby pandas are born, they shoot out of their mama at a high rate of speed and slam into the nearest hard object which pops out the mucus plugs in their nose and mouth and startles them into breathing. This happened. Mama panda growled and was not pleased, but there was some bamboo nearby so she consoled herself by munching on a few stalks. The look on her face said, "Okay, that's done."

God, in His infinite wisdom and sense of humor, has also decreed that when baby pandas are born and can breathe, they make this horribly annoying, really loud, ratcheting noise. The noise is supposed to kick start some hormone in the mother panda and make her scoop up the baby and love him and stroke him and keep him and call him George. This baby made the noise and mama panda stopped chewing and stared at it. Baby made the noise again and mama panda kind of eased over away from the baby, never taking her eyes off of it in case it did something besides lie there like a newborn panda. She also never stopped chewing. Baby made the noise one more time and mama panda LEFT the room and never went back. Baby panda had to be raised like an orphan by the scientists. I'm thinking several years of therapy will be in that baby panda's future. 

Mama panda, however, was happily munching bamboo halfway across the compound. The scientists left her alone after that.

Fast forward about 4 months. Gabriel is less than a month old and in that month I think I might have slept an average of half an hour a night. I was feeling really wretched and icky. I loved my baby but good grief I felt horrid. So one day I'm sitting on the living room floor, folding laundry. Gabriel is in the swinging chair and we seem to be doing alright when suddenly he makes this noise. It was horrible. It was annoying. It was loud. It was ratcheting. I dropped the underwear I was folding and stared at him. He made the noise again. It was louder, more annoying, and more ratcheting. I backed up against the sofa and stared at him. He made the noise a third time, and I seriously considered leaving the room, the house, and the state. 

In that moment, I totally identified with that panda.

Orthogals' First Book Giveaway!

Okay, ladies and gents, Orthogals has a rather exciting announcement to make.  This week they’re having their very first giveaway, sponsored by Ancient Faith Publishing.

Some of you may remember AFP when it was called Conciliar Press.  They’ve published many classics and favorites, including Frederica Mathewes-Green and Fr. Patrick Henry Reardon.  I remember poring over the Conciliar Press catalogue as a kid the way my ancestors read Sears-Roebuck before Christmas.  They have books and e-books, music, jewelry, icons, greeting cards, all sorts of pretty things. 

Ancient Faith Ministries is also the organization behind Ancient Faith Radio, which offers both music and podcasts.  At this point they’re averaging over 600,000 podcast downloads a month from over 150 different countries, which is kind of stunning.  Their music streaming has saved my sanity more than once, especially if I was home sick on a feast day or trying to work/study while keeping a taste of Lent around.

And the really cool news?  They want to give you books.

A Patristic Treasury

The writings of the Church Fathers are regularly lauded but rarely read, partly because their sheer volume is so daunting. Yet they constitute the “first story” of the Christian faith, built upon its apostolic foundation, which we ignore at our peril. Patristic scholar James Payton has made the Fathers easily accessible by selecting passages that are devotionally stimulating, doctrinally thought-provoking, or epigrammatically striking. With his help, the average Christian can find stimulation, comfort, challenge, and inspiration in the Church Fathers.

  

The Scent of Holiness

Every monastery exudes the scent of holiness, but women’s monasteries have their own special flavor. Join Constantina Palmer as she makes frequent pilgrimages to a women’s monastery in Greece and absorbs the nuns’ particular approach to their spiritual life. If you’re a woman who’s read of Mount Athos and longed to partake of its grace-filled atmosphere, this book is for you. Men who wish to understand how women’s spirituality differs from their own will find it a fascinating read as well.

  

Words for Our Time

The twentieth-century elder Abba Matta of Egypt, known in the West as Matthew the Poor, is widely regarded as the greatest Egyptian elder since St. Antony the Great. …Abba Matta had a marvelous ability to communicate the deepest spiritual truths in the simplest and most practical language, making them accessible to laypeople as well as monastics. He speaks to the heart rather than the head, gently exhorting the reader to pursue a deeper life in Christ. To read these talks is to sit at the feet of one of the greatest spiritual teachers of our age.

So here’s the drill:

You can enter 3 ways.  First, comment on the original post at Orthogals and give the title of the book (or gift) you like best from AFP’s website.  For the second entry, like Orthogals on Facebook (or already-have-liked us).  And the third entry comes from (publicly) sharing this post on Facebook or your blog. After you like us on FB and share the post, leave a separate comment for each action.

In other words, a person who comments on the Orthogals blog with their favorite AFP book will get one entry. If she then likes the Orthogals FB page,  she should leave another comment saying she did so; this will get her a second entry. And if she shares a link to this giveaway on her blog or FB wall, she should leave a final comment for her third entry with the URL.

The contest closes Sunday night (10/20/13) at 11:59pm.  The 3 winners will be declared a week from today and notified via the email given when commenting.  The winners will have 2 days to claim their prize before we pick an alternate.  Each person can only win one book.

Good luck!

Relevant Reading
Orthogals: Because Dating is Hard
Orthogals on Facebook
Ancient Faith Publishing
Ancient Faith Radio

Prayer Changes "Things"? No, Prayer Changes ME

A Facebook friend of mine wrote the following today and I think it bears repeating:

"I came across a post for a group called, "Prayer Changes Things". As I paused to consider what that really means, it occurred to me prayer does not just change things or make things better, but in a real sense changes us. 

When we pray for our enemies; those who hate and despise us, those who have taken things we valued or loved; when we speak those names as we ask God to bless them, it is our heart that softens. 

When we pray daily, we are continually confronted with names that when uttered brought pain, rejection, shame, bitterness. However, as we remain faithful those names become a source of love and empathy. We begin to see others as no different than ourselves; hurt, sinful beings craving acceptance and love." ~ Petros H. Thorp

I have found this to be so very true.

In Orthodoxy, one doesn't tell God what to do about the people we pray for. The formula is, "Please remember in Your Kingdom {insert name here}". This comes only after praying for forgiveness for our own sins and a declaration that I, like St Paul said, am the chiefest of sinners. Anything someone else has done to me I have done and more. Hearing the names of those I can barely look at coming from my lips points up to me that God loves them too, and He will deal with their sin just as He will deal with mine. And neither of us has sinned against each other, but against Him, and His is the only opinion that counts. 

Realize I am speaking in ideal terms here. Great pain and all that goes along with it is just as hard to give up as great pleasure sometimes. It becomes an old friend and a comfortable place to be. The thing is, that pain will become an anchor holding you back from anything else good that is out there for you. The more you pray for those who have caused that pain, the more links of the chain holding the anchor get drawn up. Each time their name parts your lips, the chain moves, lifting that anchor higher until it is finally out of the water.

And then you go to work on the other anchors.

Christ said, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

It's hard work. Yes, work. It's one of the many works God has for us to do as we work out our salvation in fear and trembling. Salvation is free but it requires our participation. It isn't cheaply given fire insurance. It's an investment and the principle in that investment is our whole life.

So I suck it up and say the names. The first time it happened, I did it out of nothing but pure obedience. My Spiritual Father told me I had to do it so I did it. Obedience is better than sacrifice, right?

I puked afterward. Literally. And I swore that wasn't going to happen again. Food should stay down. When it comes back up it hurts. I was NOT doing that again if this was the result.

I lied. I did it again a few days later. My stomach roiled but everything stayed down, praise God. A few months  later (read that as years, but years are made of months so it's technically true), I could do it without even a hint of nausea. Go me.

I cannot say that I enjoy it. I'd rather do many other things but just praying the names of those who have hurt me so badly has lanced and begun to drain that wound. Infection will kill you from the inside out. And prayer is way less painful in the long run than any solutions I have come up with late at night, up to and including hiring Boba Fett or a Drow mercenary force. (Dark elves will do anything if the price is right.)

I digress.

St Nikolai Velimirovic said it best:

My
 enemies have taught me to know what hardly anyone knows, that a person has no enemies in the world except himself.
One hates his enemies only when he fails to realize that they are not enemies, but cruel friends.
It is truly difficult for me to say who has done me more good and who has done me more evil in the world: friends or enemies.
Therefore bless, O Lord, both my friends and my enemies.
A slave curses his enemies, for he does not understand.
But a son blesses them, for he understands.
For a son knows that his enemies cannot touch his life.
Therefore he freely steps among them and prays to God for them.
Bless my enemies, O Lord.
Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
1 Timothy 1:12-16
Matthew 6:9-15
Ephesians 2:8-10
Philippians 2:12-15
The Spiritual Father in Orthodox Christianity
St. Nikolai Velimirovic
The Enemy Within
Thorp Studios

Fear is the Mind Killer

I must not fear.

Even Battle Hamsters recite the Litany
Shamelessly lifted from Red Wombat Studio

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain
The Bene-Gesserit Litany Against Fear

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love."

~ 1 John 4:18

"...I remind you to rekindle the gift of God that is within you through the laying on of my hands; for God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline."

~ 2 Timothy 1:6-7

Relevant Reading
Dune, Frank Herbert
The Bene Gesserit
The Litany Against Fear

Dammit, I'm not Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl!

Kate Winslet as Clementine

 "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours." ~ Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind






I've had quite enough of being the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Too many guys have assigned me that role in their life and I've allowed it. I'm done with that crazy. 

Look, I'm a mess, too. Try being my Manic Pixie Dream Boy for half a minute and you will see how frakkin' insulting that role is. 

I will not complete you.

I will not show you the magic inherent in the universe. 

I will piss you off, hope you think, make you angry, enjoy things you don't, and do things you don't like, understand or approve of. And I probably won't care that you don't like, understand or approve of them. Much. 

This does not mean I don't love you.

Welcome to being a grown up in a grown up relationship.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Manic Pixie Dream Girl - TV Tropes
Manic Pixie Dream Girl - Wikipedia
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Do You Trust God? Prolly Not.

We had a celebrity of sorts as guest priest at church. Fr Joseph Honeycutt is "a priest of the Antiochian Archdiocese, is the Dean of the East Texas Deanery in the Diocese of Wichita and Mid-America and the Pastor of St Joseph Orthodox Church in Houston, Texas." He's a good friend of Fr Nicholas' and he visits All Saints fairly often. Sometimes he delivers the homily. Yesterday was one of those days. Fr Joseph's topic was trusting God, based on the text for yesterday, Matthew 9:1-8 but also drawing from the previous two Sundays' readings in Matthew, 8:5-13 and 8:28-34.

He opened with this question, "Do you trust God?"

Seeing as I was sitting in the choir section at church and pretty much kinda sorta had to be honest, I think my answer is, "Not all the time." And this in spite of all the random crap, self-inflicted and otherwise, that He has brought me through.

Ungrateful much? Yeah.

I think the hard part about that trusting God thing (aka "faith") is that we get all sorts of screwy messages from outside. Some folks like to say having faith in God means that He's going to wave a magic wand and give you health, wealth, and happiness all the days of your life. They say this in spite of all the Biblical evidence to the contrary, by the way, but they do say it. Then when life happens (and it does, unless you are dead) and that mountain you've been speaking to doesn't hurl itself in to the sea but rather falls on your head, they tell you your faith was "obviously not strong enough" or that you must have some "hidden sin" that prevented God from doing what your faith was supposed to make Him do.

Recipe for loss of faith right there by the way.

That isn't what faith is. It's not a way to force God to do anything because, just as He honors our free will, our faith proves that we honor His. Salvation is a symbiotic relationship. We work with Him. He doesn't work for us. Working with Him means realizing that His will is not only pre-eminent and omniscient, but benevolent towards those of us who have faith regardless of what it looks like.

A lot of the time His benevolent will looks like this:

Christ carrying His Cross

It's hard and it's painful and it leads to something that is awful.

How awful?

Pretty damn.

But on the other side of that pretty damn awful something is my salvation, which is worth so much more than any fleet of Jaguars, exclusive neighborhoods, and designer suits I could ever think about owning, wearing, or living in. What the heck is my trust in a Jaguar going to get me? Not a lot, but trust in God, true faith, brings salvation of my eternal soul.

Christ healing the paralytic
 http://www.icons.dumitrunicusor.com

I know for a fact though, that I am weak in this area. I mean really, truly smaller than a mustard seed with that issue here. That is when the Church steps up and becomes the Great Ark of Salvation, carrying me along on the prayers and faith of others until I can do it, too. This is what the Church is for: to remind us to trust God by providing that trust through the faith of others on our behalf. Christ sees the faith of those who carry me to Him when I am weak and heals me.

Christ healing the Centurion's servant
http://www.icons.dumitrunicusor.com

Then He sends me to do my part in the Ark. Finding out about and telling Him about those who are too weak to come to Him on their own, as the Roman Centurion did, as the friends of the paralytic did. It's not just because of that person's faith by itself or because of my own faith by itself, but because He sees the faith of the ARK, of the Church, and helps that person's weakness on all of our behalf. Faith is something you can see by the way. It's not some amorphous something that is indefinite. Faith is proven by what you DO. Faith without works is dead. It's totally in the Bible.

This is why Orthodox pray "through the prayers of the Theotokos" or "through the prayers of the Holy Fathers". Their prayers avail much. They are still in the Ark, still carrying us all along with them. They have achieved what we wish to achieve and they are part of this great journey to God. I do not have to find salvation by myself. That's silly. My path is my own but I am not walking it alone. The light shines on my way through the prayers of all those who are here with me and all those who have gone ahead.

So why do I lose my trust in God's benevolent will? Or not have any at all at times?

Honest and for true? Because I keep wanting my own way, and my own stuff, in my own time. And that is not faith in God. It is idolatry. Idols, however, are not alive. They can't do anything because, frankly, they aren't living and have no power to affect anything. That idol of myself as ruler of what amounts to a teeny tiny speck that is not even a dot on the grand scale of the universe is about as effectual as a sieve against the tide. Less so.

When I get into the Ark though, and join in the prayers of my fellow sailors, we can plow through the tide together with Christ at the helm.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Orthodixie
Matthew 8:5-13
Matthew 8:28-34
Matthew 9:1-8

Your Arms Are Too Short to Box With God

 Not too long ago I was content. Peaceful. Now I am not. I am not quite sure what happened to change that but I certainly am not happy it happened. I fought long and hard to get to that place and I am pretty darn sure I don't want to leave it behind for a mess o'pottage. Whatever pottage is, it can't possibly be as good as being content and sure of where I stand in my circumstances.

I think that I've begun to rest on my laurels. God has proven to me over the past few years that He will not suffer a lot of nonsense from me. He allows me to have a moment here and there but He isn't going to allow me to give what is rightfully His to another...anything. Another man, another circumstance, another job, another paycheck. Nothing. He has declared Himself and He will not be argued with. He is my source and none other.

Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; do not be discouraged, for you will not suffer disgrace; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the disgrace of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your Husband, Lord of hosts is His name; the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is. 

~Isaiah 54:4-5

The Lord has sworn by his right hand and by his mighty arm: "I will not again give your grain to be food for your enemies,and foreigners shall not drink the wine for which you have laboured; but those who garner it shall eat it and praise the Lord, and those who gather it shall drink it in My holy courts."  

~ Isaiah 62:8-9

No. He will not be argued with. Much. Then again, arguing with God is like fighting the tide.

And in spite of having ridiculously long arms, even my arms are too short to box with God. He has reminded me of that, putting me in my place and telling me to

Remember the wonderful works He has done, his miracles, and the judgments He has uttered...

~ Psalm 105:5

So yeah, I don't have a lot to be discontented about. He has blessed me beyond blessing. Not in ways that most people could see (although some things He has done have been really pretty darn spectacular) but mostly He just makes sure things got done, quietly and without fanfare.

So where is my discontent next to that? How utterly faithless of me, really, to think He would bring me this far and then kick me to the curb like a piece of used Kleenex.

The Lord is faithful, even when I am not.

Especially when I am not. He has His Name to keep up with after all. (Especially since us Christian types tend to drag it through the mud on a regular basis.)

I totally need to keep all of that in mind. Especially when the wind and the rain kicks up.

I totally need to quit being an idiot. Panic does not become a woman called "worthy" by God and His people. (Ruth 3:11)

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Psalm 105
The Prodigal Son, by James Weldon Johnson
Isaiah 54
Isaiah 62
Ruth

Pain and Frustration

Theotokos Softener of Evil Hearts

I watched the speech President Obama gave re: Trayvon Martin. Then I made the mistake of reading the comments (always a mistake) on a news website. I have no idea how I have missed the pure hatred and disregard people in this country have for the lives and experiences of those whose skin is brown.

I need to go hug my boy again. This is horrible.

One day some fool with a gun might see my boy walking down the street and blow him away because he doesn't look like he belongs.

 I HATE this. What is WRONG with people? Oh wait, now I remember...

Oh God! Save thy people and bless thy inheritance!

Soften our evil hearts, O Theotokos, and quench the attacks of those who hate us and loose all straitness of our soul. For looking on thy holy icon we are filled with compunction by thy suffering and loving-kindness for us and we kiss thy wounds; we are filled with horror for the darts with which we wound thee. Let us not, O Mother of Compassion, according to the cruelty of our hearts, perish from the cruelty of heart of those near us, For thou art in truth the Softener of Evil Hearts.

We cry out with heartfelt emotion to the chosen Virgin Mary, far nobler than all the daughters of the earth, Mother of the Son of God, Who gave salvation to the world: Look at our life which is filled with every sorrow and remember the sorrow and pain which thou didst suffer as one born on earth with us, and do with us according to thy merciful heart, that we may cry unto thee: Rejoice, much-sorrowing Mother of God, turn our sorrows into joy and soften the hearts of evil men!

Relevant Reading

Akathist to the Theotokos Softener of Evil Hearts
Obama Trayvon Martin Speech - Transcript

The Six Decisions That Could Have Saved Trayvon Martin's Life
Site where I should have remembered not to read the comments

Synaxis of the Archangel Gabriel

Coptic Icon of the Archangel Gabriel

Coptic Icon of the Annunciation

"You are foremost among the incorporeal ministers of God, O glorious Gabriel, for to you was entrusted the dread mystery of the ineffable birth giving of the holy Virgin, which was commanded immemorially. And you exclaimed to her:
Rejoice, O joyous one! Wherefore, we, the faithful, ever bless you with gladness as is meet."

~ Jul 13, Synaxis of the Holy Archangel Gabriel, Matins Sessional Hymn

Today is my boy's OTHER Name Day! God grant him many many more years! Holy Archangel Gabriel, pray to God for Gabriel's salvation and for my own.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Economy 101

So I spent an hour or so re-reading the Canons of theSeventh Ecumenical Council and I was kind of amazed. I had forgotten that, not only do the canons detail how the Church should be governed, but also what is expected of the people/laity who attend the church. And this was not to control them but to show how those who profess Christ ought to conduct themselves so as not to bring reproach on the Name of the Lord nor upon His Church from unbelievers. (1 Timothy 5:14)

Some things you would think would not have to be enjoined against in a council of Bishops. I mean really! Canon 97 of the Seventh Council made my eyes bug out. Go read it. I will wait. You're back? Your eyes popping, too? Yes, it means exactly what you think it means. Whodathinkit? People have apparently been doing freakin' insane things since time began. This pretty much proves it.

I think the best part of that set of canons however, is Canon 102. To wit:

"It behoves those who have received from God the power to loose and bind, to consider the quality of the sin and the readiness of the sinner for conversion, and to apply medicine suitable for the disease, lest if he is injudicious in each of these respects he should fail in regard to the healing of the sick man. For the disease of sin is not simple, but various and multiform, and it germinates many mischievous offshoots, from which much evil is diffused, and it proceeds further until it is checked by the power of the physician. Wherefore he who professes the science of spiritual medicine ought first of all to consider the disposition of him who has sinned, and to see whether he tends to health or (on the contrary) provokes to himself disease by his own behaviour, and to look how he can care for his manner of life during the interval. And if he does not resist the physician, and if the ulcer of the soul is increased by the application of the imposed medicaments, then let him mete out mercy to him according as he is worthy of it. For the whole account is between God and him to whom the pastoral rule has been delivered, to lead back the wandering sheep and to cure that which is wounded by the serpent; and that he may neither cast them down into the precipices of despair, nor loosen the bridle towards dissolution or contempt of life; but in some way or other, either by means of sternness and astringency, or by greater softness and mild medicines, to resist this sickness and exert himself for the healing of the ulcer, now examining the fruits of his repentance and wisely managing the man who is called to higher illumination. For we ought to know two things, to wit, the things which belong to strictness and those which belong to custom, and to follow the traditional form in the case of those who are not fitted for the highest things, as holy Basil teaches us."

In summary, the sinner comes to Church to be healed of sin and Christ the Healer, through the Church, metes out remedies for the salvation of mankind. These remedies are administered to the faithful through the priest, "he who professes the science of spiritual medicine". So the priest needs to take into account not only the sin, but the disposition (the inherent qualities of mind and character) of the faithful when administering that "spiritual medicine". The one who comes to the priest must be faithful and willing to change (convert), not resisting the physician or the medicine he prescribes to lead that person back toward union with God and healing of the wound of sin given by the serpent. The medicine prescribed to one may seem overly harsh and that prescribed to another may seem overly gentle to those looking from the outside, but what works for one does not always work for another and those watching should look to their own salvation. The faithful one should obey and not despair; and the priest should be merciful and kind, or stern and astringent, as needed.

This is the oikonomia, the economy, of the Church. "This is the Faith of the Apostles. This is the Faith of the Fathers. This is the Faith of the Orthodox. This is the Faith that sustains the universe."

Salvation is the goal, always, not punishment.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner

Relevant Reading
The Seven Ecumenical Councils
Canons of the Council in Trullo
1 Timothy 5
Confession of Faith of the Sunday of Orthodoxy

Suddenly Its Two Months Later

Orthodox Church carved into a 
Romanian salt mine for the miners to worship

I did not realize it had been so long since my last post. Things just went completely wahoonie shaped and time went slip sliding away from me I guess. Not a lot has happened that is particularly noteworthy. My boy turned eleven, and I had my Name Day. There was soccer and work and school and life. My prayer life has hit the skids and I need to get on that. Church. Friends.

I think I'm just living. I'm content with my life most of the time but I can't become complacent. Things are far from golden. God has never let me down. He knows what is going on and the difficulties I am facing. Hard choices that are just about to rip my heart out. I just wish He would just wave a magic wand and make my life perfect but He doesn't work that way.

Regardless. I am still content mostly. There are things I wish I could change about the current situation but blah. It is what it is.

Back to the salt mine.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Let God Arise

Let God Arise - The Paschal Troparion as sung by the congregation of All Saints Orthodox Church

Let God arise! Let his enemies be scattered! Today a sacred Pascha is revealed to us! A new and holy Pascha! A mystical Pascha! A Pascha worthy of veneration! A Pascha which is Christ the redeemer! A blameless Pascha! A great Pascha! A Pascha of the faithful! A Pascha which has opened for us the gates of paradise! A Pascha which sanctifies all the faithful! 

As smoke vanishes so let them vanish! Come from that scene, O women, bearers of glad tidings, and say to Zion: "Receive from us the glad tidings of joy, of Christ's resurrection! 

Exult and be glad, and rejoice, O Jerusalem! seeing Christ the King, who comes forth from the tomb like a bridegroom in procession. So the sinners will perish before the face of God. 

But let the righteous be glad! 

The myrrhbearing women, at the break of dawn, drew near to the tomb of the Life-giver. There they found an angel sitting upon the stone. He greeted them with these words: "Why do you seek the living among the dead? Why do you mourn the incorrupt amid corruption? Go, proclaim the glad tidings to His disciples!" 

This is the day which the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it! Pascha of beauty! The Pascha of the Lord! A Pascha worthy of all honor has dawned for us! Pascha! Let us embrace each other joyously! O Pascha, ransom from affliction! For today, as from a bridal chamber Christ has shown forth from the tomb and filled the women with joy saying: "Proclaim the glad tidings to the apostles!"

Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen. 

This is the day of resurrection! Let us be illumined by the feast! Let us embrace each other! Let us call, "Brothers," even those that hate us and forgive all by the resurrection! And so let us cry: 

Christ is risen from the dead! Trampling down death by death! 

And upon those in the tombs bestowing life! 

Christ is risen from the dead! Trampling death down by death!
And upon those in the tombs bestowing life! 

Christ is risen from the dead! Trampling death down by death!
And upon those in the tombs bestowing life!

~ as recorded by Mihai Ibanescu, member, All Saints Orthodox Church 

Relevant Reading

All Saints Orthodox Church

Paschal Matins 

MihaiIbanescu.net

Today is suspended on a tree He who suspended the earth upon the waters.

Today is suspended on a tree He who suspended the earth upon the waters.
The King of the angels is decked with a crown of thorns.
He who wraps the heavens in clouds is wrapped in the purple of mockery.
He who freed Adam in the Jordan is slapped on the face.
The Bridegroom of the Church is affixed to the Cross with nails.
The Son of the Virgin is pierced by a spear.
We worship Thy passion, O Christ.
We worship Thy passion, O Christ.
We worship Thy passion, O Christ.
Show us also Thy glorious resurrection.
(Hear the Chant)

Today I was not intending to go to church for the Twelve Passion Gospels. It's a very long service, with every one of the the readings of Christ's crucifixion, from the Last Supper, through the Betrayal, Trial, Crucifixion and Death of Our Lord. Our priest and deacon read every one of them. The service is about 3 hours long and frankly, it has been a really long week for me.

I went anyway.

Praise God. The Holy Spirit was truly there and when Father processed through the nave carrying the cross and then hung the icon of Christ on it, my eyes filled with tears for what He had done for me.

Thou wast crucified, O Christ, for my sake, that thou mightest pour forth salvation for me. 

And thy side was pierced with a spear, that it might cause rivers of life to flow in me.

Thou wast fasten with the nails; and so realizing the depth of Thy Passion and

to Thy Crucifixion, O life-giving Savior

Nails and thorns and scourges and spitting and slapping...For the thief on the cross. For the adulterous woman. For the sinful woman. For the Canaanite woman and her daughter.

For me. 

The least I can do is show up.

And be blessed. Oh, so very blessed.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Holy Thursday (List of the Readings of the Twelve Passion Gospels)
Dismas the Penitent Thief
John 12:1-8
Matthew 15:21-27
Mark 14:1-8
Luke 23:39-43
Synaxarion of Great and Holy Wednesday

The Hymn of Kassiani

St. Kassiani the Hymnographer

O Lord God, the woman who had fallen into many sins, having perceived Thy divinity received the rank of ointment-bearer, offering Thee spices before Thy burial wailing and crying: "Woe is me, for the love of adultery and sin hath given me a dark and lightless night; accept the fountains of my tears O Thou Who drawest the waters of the sea by the clouds incline Thou to the sigh of my heart O Thou Who didst bend the heavens by Thine inapprehensible condescension; I will kiss Thy pure feet and I will wipe them with my tresses. I will kiss Thy feet Whose tread when it fell on the ears of Eve in Paradise dismayed her so that she did hide herself because of fear. Who then shall examine the multitude of my sin and the depth of Thy judgment? Wherefore, O my Saviour and the Deliverer of my soul turn not away from Thy handmaiden O Thou of boundless mercy".

Lord have mercy upon me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading

Matthew 26:6-16

St, Kassiani the Hymnographer

The Theotokos Comforts Eve

The Theotokos comforts our foremother, Eve,
and crushes the head of the serpent beneath her foot

O Eve!

My mother, my daughter,

life-giving Eve,

Do not be ashamed, do not grieve.

The former things have passed away

Our God has brought us to a New Day.

See, I am with Child,

Through whom all will be reconciled.

O Eve!

My sister, my friend,

We will rejoice together

Forever

Life without end.


~ Sr. Columba Guare (copyright © 2005 Sisters of the Mississippi Abbey)

 The Holy Mother is always a comfort. Her prayers reach the ears of her Son with especial music. Today, through her prayers, I was rescued from an awkward situation. I can only thank her so much that she has deigned to come into my home and become my mother as well.

The Resurrection of Christ,
depicting His resurrection of Adam and Eve

Meanwhile, standing near the cross of Jesus were his mother, and his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing beside her, he said to his mother, ‘Woman, here is your son.’ Then he said to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’ And from that hour the disciple took her into his own home.

~ John 19:25-27

Relevant Reading
Adam and Eve
"Reading" the Icon of the Resurrection
Original Sin, St. Augustine, and Orthodoxy
Appellations of the Theotokos (drawn from the OT...You may have to scroll down a little.)

They Learned It

for the children

Lawdy, these rioting, robbing, shooting, and flash mobbing children are just bad-asses and by their Big Brother, facially recognized, social networking snitch campaign, video evidence (as seen, broadcasted keen into the public record), bad-ass is half-ass true because what really turns my joy towards sad is they learned it all from you.
The angry young man shoots a congresswoman. We grieve hard. Who conceived the arrogance?

“We don't know what went wrong!”
“He lived at home.”
[Did we … just quote … the parents?]

Separatists and supremacists rear ugly heads. Cowards march to rallies with guns. Some condemn them asHaters Who Have Been Misled by ignorance widespread over generations.

They demand lower taxes. The same Old Parties drinking teas; striking out at mythical Welfare Queens; and voting for wars funded with debt, increasing deficits through trade, then borrowing your moneybacks from overseas.

How did your bad-ass children grow up to be so god-damned mean?
We may blame our children as cultures tend to assume and say, “The kids have gone bad.” But we are the parents who perpetuate these deadly trends: The Society of Repeating Moms and Deadbeat Dads.

Divided by the past, incomes, and where our dead ancestors came from, living in neighborhoods segregated by inauthentic, arbitrarily defined cultural constructs such as “class” and “race,” with declining educational outcomes and eroding working class incomes: the same old plights for the next generation to face remain apace.

Instead of our future and beautiful children, it should be your excuses thrown under the bus. These things the children do over and again, who creates the sin?

 They learned it from us.

 {by Dennie T for the children}

They Learned It ~ Read by the author

Illustration for this poem by Scott Williams for Published Poems for Penny C, available in eBook form on May 4, 2013

My friend Dennie T wrote this poem. I think it definitely puts the finger on the things we see these days that kids do. Petty theft, grand theft, rape, torture, murder...They Learned It From Us.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
News Ticker for Steubenville Rape Case

Happy Pi Day!!

There are many ways of observing Pi Day, from eating pie and discussing the significance of the number π, to screening the film Life of Pi.

Let's get out there, be constant, go on forever, and not repeat!

Relevant Reading
The Importance of Being Constant - Neil deGrasse Tyson

Professor John Lennox discusses Christianity, atheism and science

Orthodox Christianity Science and Truth - Fr Gregory Hallam 

Perfectly Weak in Grumpy Pants

So I feel a lot like something the cat left behind.

This, in spite of a long overdue visit from my son's godmother and my "kumbaya" (my own little interpretation of the Greek word "koumbara"). We've talked and hung out and re-established how comfortable we are with each other and just generally loved on each other as the long separated sister-friends we are. I am so glad she was able to be here for the last couple of days. I didn't know how much I missed her until she drove into the driveway and got out of the car.

Regardless of the happy-happy-joy-joy, though, I feel like last week's lunch on a broken hotplate tonight.

It is not something I am not used to. I mean, it's not new per se. I've had the diagnosis since 2011 but it seemed to get better after my surgery in the fall of that year. Things look like they have morphed, however.

The random, sharp, electric shock type feelings up my spine have been going on for too many days now. Maybe a week? In the past, those shocky feelings have always been the precursor to a flare but right now nothing has happened and the shocks go on. I don't like it. It's kind of scary.

Why? Well, I keep thinking it's (a) just building to The Mother of All Flares and I am going to end up physically tied in very painful knots for the next decade or so once it hits or (b) I'm just going to tase myself for the rest of my life.

Either one would seriously suck sweaty, hairy, monkey balls. (Yeah, I said it. Meant it too.)

Meanwhile, Great Lent is almost upon us. Next Monday in fact. I was kind of hoping that this Lent would be less...exciting? No...Less laborious? HA!! Yeah right, pull the other one, it's got bells on. Hmm...Easier. Hehehe! I kill me. Nope, not gonna happen.

That's the point though, right? It's not easy. Salvation is no more "free" than is freedom. We aren't expected to make a trip down some aisle, mutter a prayer, and POOF! Fire Insurance! That's not how it works. Once we receive salvation through water baptism (Matthew 28:19-20 and Acts 2:37-39), God has stuff for us to DO. (Ephesians 2:8-10) We are expected to work out our salvation in fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12-18) and not complain all the time. I mean, remember the Israelites? They kvetched about everything (this verse just one of MANY places they fussed about, well, everything! The Book of Numbers is practically just a list of all the complaining they did.) I honestly think the interminable complaining about everything under the blessed sun by the Israelites to Moses is one of the major reasons that verse is even in there. Think about it!

So yes, Great Lent is supposed to be hard. Why? So that by the time the stone is rolled away at Pascha, and Father pounds on the doors crying, "Lift up your heads, O gates! And be exalted, you everlasting doors! That the King of Glory may enter in!" (Paschal Matins) we know deep in our hearts that there is no way we can do ANY of what He has planned for us to do BY OURSELVES. We must be in Him. Our lives must be His and He must live through us. That is the only way to do ANYTHING. (Galatians 2:16, 19-21 and John 15:1-11).

I know this. I know it deep in my bones.

Today, however, my bones ache, shocks are running up and down my spine, my snark levels are at an all time high while my patience is plumbing new depths. Still I try to remember that greater men and women than myself have endured so much more pain and privation than I ever have or will, and they never lost their faith.

St. Nektarios wrote to the nuns at Aegina:

Do not be frightened. The overseeing eye of the Lord has not looked away...The Lady Theotokos will intercede once again. She will intercede to her omnipotent Son....Do not be troubled. Just continue your penance and every good work, with an attitude of happiness and optimism. We believe in a living perfect God. If He allows tribulations, it is for the salvation of our souls, of this you can be sure. Return to your duties of virtue and to the special ministries you have undertaken, always keeping in mind the great Paul and Silas who suffered so greatly inside prison. So let us chant as they did, continuously praising our benefactor as they did that historic night...

~ Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p220, 223

And also:

The evil one does not care to what extent the human soul can endure torments, plots against it, and slander. When given permission [Job 1:6-12 and 2:1-6] to test the soul, he falls on his victim like a wild hungry vulture, taking pleasure in thrusting his nails in the backs of its unsuspecting victims.

~Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p219

I think he might know what he's talking about. What with being a saint and all. So I will spend this Lent staying true to my marching orders in spite of how I feel physically. I will read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, go back to reading and praying, take the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, and go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I can bear a few shocks or even the Flare to End All Flares if I also bear in mind that the gates shall lift up their heads and the everlasting doors will be exalted. He is the King of Glory and His power is made perfect in my weakness, so I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Lord have mercy on me a sinner

Relevant Reading
The Orthopraxis of Godparents in the Orthodox Church
Fibromyalgia
National Invisible Chronic Illness Week: How My Illness Affects My Morning
The Spoon Theory
The Gift of Suffering

Like A Frakkin Grown-Up!

I have officially designated today to be DO ALL THE THINGS LIKE A FRAKKIN' GROWN UP! Day.

I do hope you will conduct yourself accordingly.

Lord have mercy upon me, a sinner

(Update 957pm: I did most of the things like a frakkin' grown up but some of the things I did like a whiny kid. So sue me although I doubt that would hold up in court.)

Relevant Reading
This is Why I'll Never Be an Adult
Proud Member of the Late-Bloomers Club
Duty is Heavier Than a Mountain...of Mulch

Today the Triodion Begins

Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit Open to me the door of repentance, O Life Giver, For my sprirt rises to pray toward Thy Holy Temple Bearing the temple of my body all defiled; But in Thy compaasion,  Purify me by the loving kindness of Thy mercy Both now and ever and unto the ages of ages. Amen Lead me on the paths of salvation, O Mother of God, for I have profaned my soul with shameful sins and have wasted my life in laziness; but by thy intercessions deliver me from all impurity. Have mercy on my O God according to Thy great mercy and according to the multitude of Thy compassions, blot out my transgressions. When I think of the many evil things I have done; wretch that I am, I tremble at the fearful day of judgement, but trustuing in Thy loving-kindness like David I cry to Thee: Have mercy on me, O God, Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, O God according to Thy great mercy.

Relevant Reading

The Triodion
Open to Me the Doors of Repentance