27 December 2011

Faithful and True

"When harmed, insulted or persecuted by someone, do not think of the present but wait for the future, and you will find He has brought you much good, not only in this life but also in the life to come." ~ St. Mark the Ascetic 
This year the Lord has been so good to me. I cannot even begin to list what He has done. All I know is that He helped me get through yet another year with too little income, a part-time student job, false accusations, and broken oaths.

I have my son, my home,  my degree, and a bright future.

He has fulfilled every word He promised to me on that cold October evening in 2007. How can I possibly believe He would fail me going forward into 2012 and beyond?

I am so thankful to Him for all of it. Even the hard parts, because the hard parts are where I grew the most. Now I am seeing the fruit of that growth and I cannot fathom what else there might be in store for me come tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

God has been so good to me. Thank You, Father for the mercy You had on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
St Mark the Ascetic
Something's Comin'
Isaiah 54
Isaiah 62

15 December 2011

Genius Defined


"Genius is neither learned nor acquired.
It is knowing without experience.
It is risking without fear of failure.
It is perception without touch.
It is is understanding without research.
It is certainty without proof
It is ability without practice.
It is invention without limitations.
It is imagination without boundaries.
It is creativity without constraints.
It is...extraordinary intelligence!
"I want you all to write that on the blackboard. Post it on your mirrors. Look at it everyday. Memorize it! The definition describes every one of you."
~ Mrs. Peterson
Junkyard Wonders, Patricia Polacco

10 December 2011

Master of Library Science...Cum Laude!


I have received the Masters of Library Science from North Carolina Central University School of Library Science with all the rights, privileges and honors pertaining thereto!

Praise God! It has been a long time coming, especially this semester. It seemed as if the entire universe was conspiring to keep me from attaining this goal that I had set for myself last year.

The Lord has been so good to me. He has fought so many of my battles for me, provided all of the things I needed (and some of the things I wanted) for myself and my son. He has surrounded me with so many good and loving friends who have stood by me and encouraged me through thick and thin. Without my friends I would be in dire straits, believe you me.

There is no way I can ever thank Him enough for all He has done thus far. He has indeed proven Himself strong to me. He is indeed faithful and true, in spite of what I feel or think, and He has shown that no matter what, He is able to make things intended by others for evil to become good.


Almighty God, our Help and Refuge, Fountain of wisdom and Tower of strength, who 
knows that I can do nothing without Your guidance and help; assist me, I pray, and direct me to divine wisdom and power, that I may accomplish the tasks set before me, and whatever I may undertake to do, faithfully and diligently, according to Your will, so that it may be profitable to myself and others, and to the glory of Your Holy Name. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit: now and ever, and unto ages of ages.
Amen 

Please pray that I may obtain this, most-holy Lady and Birth-giver of God, through your intercessions and mediations, by the grace and exceeding great love of your Only-Begotten son, my Lord and God and Savior, Jesus Christ, to Whom is due, with the eternal Father and the All-Holy, Good and Life-Giving Spirit, all honor and glory and worship, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. 
Amen.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner

Relevant Reading

03 December 2011

One Cap, One Gown, One MASTERS' HOOD!!


O Lord my Savior and my Master, I, Thine unprofitable servant, with fear and trembling give thanks unto Thy loving goodness for all Thy benefits which Thou hast poured so abundantly upon me, Thy servant. I fall down in adoration before Thee and offer Thee, O god, my praises; with fervor I cry to Thee: O God, deliver me henceforth from all adversities and mercifully fulfill in me such of my desires as may be expedient for me. 

I praise Thee, O God of our Fathers, I hymn Thee, I bless Thee, I give thanks unto thee for Thy great and tender mercy. To Thee I flee, O merciful and mighty God. Shine into my heart with the True Sun of Thy righteousness. Enlighten my mind and keep all my senses, that henceforth I may walk uprightly and keep Thy commandments, and may finally attain unto eternal life, even to Thee, Who art the source of life, and be admitted to the glorious fruition of Thy inaccessible Light. For Thou art my God, and unto Thee, O Father, Son and Holy Spirit, be ascribed glory, now and ever and unto ages of ages. 
Amen.
Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

28 November 2011

Why Secondhand Bookstores Smell Good


"Lignin, the stuff that prevents all trees from adopting the weeping habit, is a polymer made up of units that are closely related to vanillin. When made into paper and stored for years, it breaks down and smells good. Which is how divine providence has arranged for secondhand bookstores to smell like good quality vanilla absolute, subliminally stoking a hunger for knowledge in all of us."
~ "Why secondhand bookstores smell good" Perfumes: The Guide (via YMFY), 
Bookshelf Porn

I knew there was a reason! As someone once said, "When I have money, I buy books. If there is anything left, I buy clothes and food."

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

25 November 2011

Always Thankful


Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

13 November 2011

It's 300am Somewhere...


"In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning."
~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me."
~ Matthew 10:38, 16:24; Mark 8:34; Luke 9:23, 14:47

Therefore, to keep me from being too elated, a thorn was given to me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.
~ 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Not that I am referring to being in need; for I have learned to be content with whatever I have. I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need
~ Philippians 4:6-7,11-12

According to the Gospel, it should be said that undoubtedly each person is given his own saving cross. This cross has grown on the soil of our heart, and it is only through this cross that we can be saved. From this it follows that if we refuse to carry our cross of obedience for no legitimate reason, we refuse to go by the way of Christ, by the saving way, and we want to invent for ourselves another way, free of labor, for attaining the Kingdom of Heaven. But this cannot be.
I am coming to realize that there is simply no avoiding my particular cross. I may kick, I may scream, but it is here for the duration.  No matter how much I try to wiggle away, I always find myself face to face with it. And I seriously and truly abhor it. With every fibre of my being.

Above and beyond anything else, I. Hate. This. Thorn.

God says, “…And? It’s a thorn. A cross. You aren’t supposed to like it. You are supposed to bear it and deal with it. MY WAY.” God’s way, in case you were behind on this one, is forgiveness, love, mercy, patience. Acceptance. Long-suffering (emphasis on the long and the suffering.) I am definitely still an American Christian. ~sigh~

God’s way and my way differ completely. I would prefer that my particular cross take a long walk on a short pier, to be perfectly honest.  There is nothing in me that really thinks any part of this will produce anything in me except more pain and suffering. I am not into that sort of thing and would really rather avoid it, kind of like a large spider. Or have someone else come kill it.

The Lord in His wisdom has decreed that this is not the case for me. Somehow this cross, this thorn, is part of my salvific journey and I have to master it. No. That’s not right. I have to submit to it. I have to allow God to master me in spite of it. I cannot allow the thorn in my side to distract me from His comfort, or make me discontent with what He has already given me (and we don’t even need to talk about how much that is…SO much He has given, the mind boggles!). There is so much left to do! Being distracted is not going to do anything but keep me from His plan for me. And He does have one (Jeremiah 29:11) and I have an inkling, just the slightest sparkling, of what part of it is. 

Distraction by obvious trifles is not on the list of things I need to be indulging in right now. Has He not told me He would care for me and for my son, regardless of what happened around me?Yes. And more than once.
 
There is something coming. Something good for me in spite of circumstances and ill will. I have been looking for something good for quite some time and I know that the Lord will see me through this Dark Night of the Soul to the sunrise of His blessing.

I just have to bear it.

This cross.

This thorn.

The point (HA!!) being that I need to draw even nearer to Him. That I must let the Lord soothe me and my aching soul as I endure to reach the end of the race He has set before me to run.

God grant me grace to accept what You have given me with thankfulness and a whole heart. All You do is for my good and for the salvation of my soul. I am so thankful to You for entrusting me with what You have thus far. Please make me worthy of it. Give me grace to endure with a peaceful spirit and to trust fully in Your Word and Your promises to me.

I stand before the gates of thy Temple, and yet I refrain not from my evil thoughts. But do thou, O Christ my God, who didst justify the publican, and hadst mercy on the Canaanite woman, and opened the gates of Paradise to the thief; open unto me the compassion of thy love toward mankind, and receive me as I approach and touch thee, like the sinful woman and the woman with the issue of blood; for the one, by embracing thy feet received the forgiveness of her sins, and the other by but touching the hem of thy garment was healed. And I, most sinful, dare to partake of thy whole Body. Let me not be consumed but receive me as thou didst receive them, and enlighten the perceptions of my soul, consuming the accusations of my sins; through the intercessions of Her that without stain gave Thee birth, and of the heavenly Powers; for thou art blessed unto ages of ages. Amen.
~ Prayer before Communion by St John of Damascus
Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
The Dark Night of the Soul, St John of the Cross 
The Crack-Up, F. Scott Fitgerald
The Gift of Dryness in Prayer, Mother Maria Angelica

05 November 2011

What About Your Friends?

I am more excited about my life and future today than I have been in a very long time. Yet another chain has been struck and I'm more free than I ever thought I would be. If not for my friends standing in the gap for me today and over the past few years, it would have been so much harder to make it this far.

I never knew how many friends I had until everything went kablooie. They've picked me up, driven me around, held me while I cried, delivered good swift kicks to my rear end, and just plain loved me through my mess and ridiculousness to this point. Without them, I truly believe I would have sunken into some kind of  mess that there would be no climbing out of.

And they never let me down. When I had surgery last month and was unable to drive but was forced to because of various circumstances, folks stepped up to the plate and said we will help you because we know your situation. Yes, I had a couple of good cries about that because these weren't only people who could make their own schedule; a lot of these folks had to take off work, rearrange their lives, and pretty much jump through flaming hoops for me.

For me. The chiefest of sinners. And for Gabriel, my son. I know I do not deserve the blessing of all the people who have stood by me, and who continue to stand by me to this day. You are part my life and you are family, and I am so blessed, lucky, favored, fortunate, whatever to have been allowed to know all of you. The list includes so many people that I won't even try to name you all because I will inevitably leave someone out. I love you all. Thank you so much for your help when things went kablooie the past couple of weeks. After the past couple of years of my weird, you guys seriously iced the cake on this one!


This list, by the way, also includes people I have never met in real life! These people--all over the world even!!--who  uphold me in prayer daily; including the priests, deacons, and monastics, and one very special Bishop (rock on, Your Grace!) and so many other lay people. Thank you for remembering me. Your prayers have been the foundation on which I brace myself for whatever assaults come my way and each time I have been able to stand firm and not only survive, but thrive.

So...Thank you. I am blessed beyond my ability to describe. God grant you all many. many years! Thank you for reminding me what friendship truly is and for being there as I've walked this road. God only knows what would have become of me if I had to do everything alone.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 
For if they fall, one will lift up the other; 
but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help. 
Again, if two lie together, they keep warm; but how can one keep warm alone? 
And though one might prevail against another, two will withstand one. 
A threefold cord is not quickly broken. 
~ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
Somethin's Comin'
I Love My Friends
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Psalm 55

31 October 2011

A Prayer

O Lord, accept me in penitence.
O Lord, leave me not.
O Lord, lead me not into temptation.
O Lord, grant me good thoughts.
O Lord, grant me tears and remembrance of death and compunction.
O Lord, grant me the thought of confessing my sins.
O Lord, grant me humility, chastity and obedience. O Lord, grant me patience, courage and meekness. O Lord, plant in me the root of all blessings, the fear of Thee in my heart.
O Lord, grant me to love Thee with all my mind and soul, and always to do Thy will.
O Lord, protect me from certain people, and demons, and passions, and from every other harmful thing.
O Lord, Thou knowest that Thou actest as Thou wilt; may Thy will be also in me, a sinner, for blessed art Thou for ever.
Amen.

24 October 2011

Church in the News!

Church comes home
Altar, gleaming icons mean temple is ready for anointing
BY CHELSEA KELLNER -ckellner@newsobserver.com

As Laurie Hooten walked through the temple doors, she jumped up and down and clapped her hands. "Oh, it's beautiful!" she exclaimed.

Photos by Chuck Liddy - CLiddy@newsboserver.com

Ahead, a team of men was carefully gluing a tall golden icon of the Virgin Mary to the ornate wooden wall surrounding the sanctuary. Two more icons already gleamed to its right, paintings copied from antiquity of Jesus and the icon of All Saints.
 
"There really is a God, there really is Jesus, there really are all those people in heaven, and now we can walk in and see reminders of that," Hooten said.

After years of waiting, All Saints Antiochian Orthodox Church finally has a permanent home. Last Wednesday, workers rushed to finish the altar and iconostasis in time for the building's consecration Nov. 9.

"It's a coming-of-age," Father Nicholas Sorensen said. "The church will finally be consecrated, a holy, permanent structure for people to worship. We've got that sense of completion."

On Nov. 9, a bishop will anoint the building with oil and holy water in a long service, marking the building as a temple, not to be used for any other purpose from that day forward.
Photos by Chuck Liddy - CLiddy@newsboserver.com

A consecration is rare, a once-in-a-lifetime event for most priests and parishioners. Then again, this is a temple more than a decade in the making.

Before its location on Buck Jones Road, All Saints was a "port-a-church," says founding member Tony Brancaccio.

Founded in 1992 with about 30 members, the parish rented the Page-Walker Arts and History Center in Cary for services, or the Boys Club in Raleigh, or reserved a park community center.

After buying their current property, parishioners attended services in a building intended to become the parish hall. Attendance ballooned to about 400 members and that space got crowded, with standing room only at some services. The altar was a table covered by cloths, and the icons were small printed reproductions.

All Saints tried twice before to begin its main building, but found it unaffordable. The new structure cost about $1.6 million, saved during the decades by a careful congregation. It has high ceilings and gold domes and plenty of room to grow.

"We think of it as home and as an extension of our home," parishioner John Cook said. "Nothing makes it better than to have room for a bigger family and more people to love."

Services have been held in the new building for the past year. But to be consecrated, the altar needed to be permanent and the iconostasis - the wall of icons leading to the sanctuary where the altar stands - had to be complete.

Icons are an important part of Orthodox worship, Sorensen said. Each is a portrait of Jesus, Mary, an apostle or a saint painstakingly reproduced by hand with careful adherence to the ancient originals. Sorensen stresses that the icons themselves are not worshipped, but that they serve as a representation and reminder of those revered by the parish.

Very little has changed about the Orthodox service or the church structure itself since the first century, Sorensen said. The idea is for the church to provide stability in rapidly changing times. That means that particular icons are required for the new sanctuary, with a particular placement. An icon of Jesus stands to the right of the doors to the hand-made wooden altar, the Virgin Mary to the left. They are flanked by John the Baptist, the All Saints icon and two angels. The other positions are up to the individual parish. Here, parishioners chose to place St. Nicholas in one of those spots, in honor of Sorensen.

Last Wednesday, the iconostasis was complete. Parishioners rushed to finish the altar.

"If you go 20 years back, we could only dream of this," Brancaccio said. "For me, this is living a dream."

In another 20 years, the scent of the incense will have worked its way into the ductwork. Jesus and Mary will still hold their arms out to the world from the wall behind the sanctuary.

And, parishioners hope, the temple will continue to be an oasis of stability in a volatile world.

"I leave the world behind when I come in here," Brancaccio said. "The world stays outside, and I'm at peace."
Kellner: 919-829-4802
Minor correction, the Consecration service will be 6 November not 9 November. LOL!

One thing I asked of the Lord,
   that will I seek after:
to live in the house of the Lord
   all the days of my life,
to behold the beauty of the Lord,
   and to inquire in his temple. Psalm 27:4

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
All Saints Orthodox Church Consecration Service & Event Information

23 October 2011

Hope

"Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing."
~ Mary Margaret Blanchard, Once Upon a Time

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

19 October 2011

Counsels of Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain

Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain
The person that is struggling to the best of his abilities, who has no desire to live a disorderly life, but who, in the course of the struggle for faith and life, falls and rises again and again, God will never abandon. And if he has the slightest will not to grieve God, he will go to Paradise with his shoes on. 

 We mustn't despair when we struggle and continuously see nothing but the slightest progress. We all do nearly nothing, some a little more, some a little less. When Christ sees our little effort He gives us an analogous token and so our nearly nothing becomes valuable and we can see a little progress. For this reason we mustn't despair, but hope in God. 

What a wonderful thing it will be when we know ourselves! Then humility will be for us a state of being, and God will position us well with His divine gifts. Then the spiritual laws will cease working, and the one who rises the highest will humble himself, for we will all walk low, we won't fall and we will continually receive the grace of God which is given to the humble.  

The goal of the Christian is to rise to God without machines. 

In the hour of prayer, when our mind wanders to thoughts of bad things, or if these thoughts come without our wanting them, we shouldn't wage an offensive war against the enemy, because, even if all the lawyers in the world joined together, they wouldn't make any headway with a little demon. Only through ignoring them can one chase these thoughts away. The same is true for blasphemous thoughts.

If you want to grab God's attention so He'll hear you during prayer, turn the dial to humility, for God always works in this frequency; then humbly ask for His mercy.


My brother, don't ask for anything in prayer except for repentance. Repentance will bring you humility, humility will bring you the grace of God, and God will uphold you in His grace and will give you whatever you need for your own salvation as well as whatever is needed, should the case arise, for you to help another soul in need. 

Conscience is the first law of God, which He carved deeply into the hearts of the first-created. In turn we each make a photocopy from our parents when we're born.

Children contract their first spiritual colds from the open windows of their parents' senses. The mother passes on her cold especially when she is not modestly dressed and scandalizes her children with her behavior.



The holy life of parents instructs the souls of their children and so they naturally obey them and grow up with piety and without psychological problems, and the children are pleased with their parents. The parents are gladdened by their children in this life and in life eternal, where they will once again glory in them.


When one realizes one's sinfulness and the great mercy of God, the heart cracks, as hard as it may be, and real tears fall of themselves and then man prays and weeps without effort.

Let us struggle with all our powers to gain Paradise. The gate is very narrow, and don't listen to those who say that everyone will be saved. This is a trap of satan so that we won't struggle.

Christ is wholly love, goodness and consolation, and never suffocates. He has an abundance of spiritual oxygen.

Live in constant glorification of and thanksgiving towards God, for the greatest sin is ingratitude and the worst sinner is the ungrateful person. 

Those who are in the world must not despair when they are overcome by many passions, and when their nature is unruly and races passionately downwards. Rather, they must trust in the almighty power of God and turn the steering wheel of their powerful engine back onto the road toward God, upwards. 

14 October 2011

I Love My Friends!

"Preserve, then, my sons, that friendship ye have begun with your brethren, for nothing in the world is more beautiful than that. It is indeed a comfort in this life to have one to whom thou canst open thy heart, with whom thou canst share confidences, and to whom thou canst entrust the secrets of thy heart. It is a comfort to have a trusty friend by thy side, who will rejoice with thee in prosperity, sympathize in troubles, encourage in persecution. What good friends those Hebrew children were whom the flames of the fiery furnace did not separate from their love of each other!"
St. Ambrose of Milan.

Thank you all for your support and prayers! ~hugs~

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
Daniel 3
Something's Comin'

12 October 2011

Just Received the Following Email

Date: Wed, Oct 12, 2011 at 5:23 PM
Subject: Congratulations!
Mailed-by: XXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXX

All Graduands:

Congratulations to all of you on your success! You have been cleared for the December 2011 Graduation contingent upon successful completion of the courses that you are currently enrolled in or the removal of any deficiencies. I have included the Graduation Readiness Checklist-Fall 2011 for your review.If I may be of further assistance, do not hesitate to contact me.
  
Best,

Virginia Purefoy Jones, M.L.S.
University Librarian and Assistant to the Dean
School of Library and Information Sciences
North Carolina Central University
Durham, North Carolina  27707
CalvinHobbes 
Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Proud Member of the Late Bloomers' Club!

Late Bloomers....Get it?
Before I got married, I was a spoiled brat and I know it. I let stuff happen and relied on mom and dad to take care of it if it went kablooie. After I married in 1994, I pretty much just transferred it to him. After all, everyone around me told me that was how a "good Christian wife" should be and if played into my greatest strength: Being Irresponsible.

Fast forward thirteen years or so to June 2007 when Mt. St. Helens blew up in my living room. All of a sudden I was face with having to do it ALL BY MYSELF. To be honest, I didn't actually start taking care of myself until January 2008. It still took me almost a year to figure out how to pay my bills (on time!!) without hyperventilating. I cried A LOT. I hid under my blanket A LOT. I found a reliable and trustworthy support system in my friends, IRL and online, and I called them A LOT. I prayed A LOT. I cried A LOT more.

It's 2011. I still hide sometimes but at least the bills are paid and even if the remaining balance is just this side of $0.00, I did it and I know I did it and if it didn't get done right, I know how to fix it (or at least who to call for help).

It's a process. It hurts like a toothache sometimes but...I am more sure than anything else that it was worth it. I am far more content and complete than I ever was before. Four years ago I didn't think I would ever say that. Now I can't imagine living like the person I was back then. 


In a couple of months, I will graduate with my Masters degree in Library Science. I may or may not go on to get a PhD or JD, but all the options are open for me. The world has never looked so bright to me before, even after I received my B.A in 1991. Why? Because this time I chose. I didn't let things happen to me. I didn't allow someone else to make a decision for me and I didn't lay down and die when things went kablooie. I made a plan. I stuck to it. When a little something called LIFE happened to the original plan, I had Plan B in my pocket. And Plan B knocked it out of the park!

This is not to say I haven't had some curve balls thrown my way, but it is amazing what you can withstand when you pray, and are willing to keep moving even through the rain. And when you keep moving, people help you along. They walk with you because they are going places, too, and they also need help standing up and moving on. So you link arms, virtually and literally, and soon you aren't just two or three. You have an army standing with you, cheering with you, and you are standing with them and cheering with them, and so on and so forth, and round and round. It's a wonderful thing!

How very good and pleasant it is
   when kindred live together in unity!
It is like the precious oil on the head,
   running down upon the beard,
on the beard of Aaron,
   running down over the collar of his robes.
It is like the dew of Hermon,
   which falls on the mountains of Zion.
For there the Lord ordained his blessing,
   life for evermore.
Psalm 133

Hang on baby! December is coming! God be praised!

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
Psalm 133
Ephesians 4:1-5
And Still I Rise
Stand in the Rain
Looking for Something Good
King of Anything (cover by Sam Tsui)

05 October 2011

Steve Jobs 1955 - 2011


"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it... It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
~ Steve Jobs, from his 2005 Stanford Commencement Address.

"In all you do, remember the end of your life, and then you will never sin."
~ Wisdom of Sirach 7:36

In his advise to his friend Philagrios: "...live instead of [in] the present, [in] the future and to make this life a meditation and practice of death...Our cares and our attention are concentrated on one thing only our departure from this world. And for this departure we prepare ourselves and gather our baggage as prudent travelers would do."
~ St Gregory the Theologian

"Recall your exodus every hour; keep death before your eyes on a daily basis. Remember before whom you must appear."
~ St Athanasios

"Let the memory of death sleep and awake with you."
~ St John of Sinai

Relevant Reading
The Wisdom of Sirach
The Memory of Death
Writings of the Early Church

25 September 2011

A Poem

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
~ Charles Bukowski

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

18 September 2011

Enough

Sometimes God just wants me to remember that.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

12 September 2011

National Invisible Chronic Illness Week: How my Illness Affects my Morning

How I generally feel
I found out that this is "National Invisible Chronic Illness  Awareness Week".  To quote a friend, "At my house, every week is invisible illness week". Like her, I decided to use my blog to participate in raising awareness.  Today, I was going to write about how my invisible illness (fibromyalgia) affects my life at home. Then I decided that was too much and decided to concentrate on one part of my day; the morning.

I truly hate mornings. I think that all mornings should not begin until at least noon. But I'm getting ahead of myself

The thing about fibro is that sometimes I hurt. A lot. The pain varies but is generally pressure/nerve and joint related. What that means is that there are moments when I feel like my skin is on fire. The only way to describe it is that it feels exactly like you've fallen onto the sidewalk and skinned your hands. That same sort of burny feeling. Only it is under my skin and all over, not just on my hands. It's so bad sometimes that I really wish the world was clothing optional because wearing clothes hurts. A hug from my son hurts. Picking up things to put them away hurts. Laying in my bed hurts. Sitting down hurts. Standing up hurts because not even the bottom of my feet are spared.

Then there is the joint/muscle pain that really makes me want to cry because frankly you kind of have them all over your body. I think it is probably not right to be able to feel every joint as it articulates, every bone as it moves, and every muscle as it expands or contracts. One should simply not notice that sort of thing. It's just wrong. On top of all that is the fatigue and fogginess that comes from dealing with the pain, and not being able to truly rest because of the pain.

For me, the pain ebbs and flows. Praise God I have more good days than bad, but the bad days are truly not what I define as fun and sometimes these "flares" last for weeks on end until I feel like I am swimming in a salty sea with my raw nerves exposed, my muscles and joints protesting every stroke and so exhausted I can barely think my way out of a wet paper bag with directions on the side saying "KICK".

When I am feeling good, I wake up get dressed and proceed with my day.

When I am in the midst of a flare, I ascend slowly from a murky place that pretends to be sleep but isn't and wish I could levitate because (a) I slept poorly and I am exhausted, (b) I know I am going to have to move and (c) moving means I also have the great joy of standing on my feet (remember that pressure thing? Yeah). Then I move and the first words out of my mouth are generally, "Ow, dammit, pardon Lord," followed by me staring at the floor because next I have to stand up and walk to the bathroom. Sometimes I just lay back down and have a good cry and then start over again. LOL! Then I get up and mince to the bathroom, scaring my dog all the way because I'm muttering "Owowowowowowow" until I can sit down again. Usually by the time I get to the bathroom I'm not hanging onto the dresser and wall and I can straighten my right arm and flex my right hand without wanting to slice it off and my ankles have quit screaming at me. Sometimes my right ankle is swollen sometimes it's not. Just depends on how pissed it is at me for making it move and support me. Also during a flare, my hands feel like they are swollen to the size of small hams and are very tender although they look perfectly normal. My fingers don't hurt but thy feel tingly all the time and I'm constantly rubbing one hand over the other to check for the swelling I feel but no one can see.

You think I am kidding? I kid you not. You're my favorite goat. ~rimshot~

I try to keep my house "company ready" but I don't much go in for company because I honestly never know when I'm going to just poop out and need to get prone someplace. If I didn't feel much like cleaning the night before, I'll generally tidy the kitchen and make coffee. I can't stand a messy kitchen and coffee is an excellent vehicle for sugar, vanilla and whipped cream. I also eat something. Or try. Food in the morning makes me ill.

While the coffee is making I walk my dog because my doctor says I must exercise. When we get back, she drinks some water and I collapse on the floor and wish I was a jellyfish or something else that doesn't have muscles, joints and nerve-endings. I feel like one so I should be one, yes? Yes. God does not listen to this particular prayer of mine. I'm sure He has His reasons for not letting me become a jellyfish. He has not, however, seen fit to enlighten me.

It takes a few moments to get functional again but the exercise does help (if it doesn't throw me into a full blown flare, which doesn't really matter because I have to be functional at the very least no matter what; I am a mom after all, and I have a job). The exercise actually numbs me for some reason. If I do it right, I end up feeling...distant...all day but the pain is equally distant. I tried running but I stopped that nonsense and went back to walking after I couldn't climb the stairs without having to stop and breathe on the way up. I'm also sooo tired.

Showers hurt during a flare. The water feels like tiny pelts of gravel. If I don't shower I will stink so I shower cos I can't abide stinkiness, but it hurts like rolling in caltrops.

Getting dressed is fun. The worst part is unders. If I've walked hard enough, long enough, I'm actually numb enough to get dressed and slowly acclimate to my clothes touching me. Otherwise I experiment with new and exciting ways to not swear. Weekends during a flare mean my softest pjs, a tshirt and fluffy socks unless I leave the house. Weekdays mean I have to wear real clothes to work.

So that's my morning. Like I said, I have more good days than bad and for that I am grateful and feel blessed.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week
Fibromyalgia
Morning Coffee: National Invisible Chronic Illness Week

11 September 2011

I See Nyan Cats...

I have two articles and a chapter to read for one class and two articles to read and a paper to write for another class. Meanwhile I sit here and thumb through My Life in Christ by St John of Kronstadt or play around on Facebook (Gardens of Time is a simply wonderful time-sink). I dunno why I am so unmotivated this semester. The light at the end of the tunnel is right there and it is definitely NOT a train. I mean, I can see daylight and trees and birds and cats made of poptarts farting rainbows.

I just can't seem to get started. I'm kind of camped out here on the ties, enjoying the view out there. Blargh. The term is onward and forward!

Then again, the 600 rode into the Valley of Death and the Mouth of Hell. Ai little-yappy-dogs.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner. And please help me with this paper. ARGH!


Relevant Reading
My Life in Christ, St John of Kronstadt
The Charge of the Light Brigade, Alfred, Lord Tennyson

30 August 2011

Note to Self: Become Content but Not Complacent

I had this thought today and I do not want to forget it.

I don't advocate complacency, but to find contentment. There is a difference. 

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." 
 Contentment means being enough at peace with my current circumstances that the way out of it is not obscured by my anxiety about the situation. It is only with peace that I can think properly and see my way clear of an unhappy place. Anxiety/discontentment does not lead to clarity of thought or the ability to take proper action when the time comes.

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope and hope does not disappoint. 

Sometimes it just takes longer than we would like. 

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Philippians 4:6-7, 11-12
Romans 5:3-5

27 August 2011

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This


Where would there be opportunities for struggling for great deeds if we were not occasionally injured by our neighbors, if they did not offend us? Where would there be opportunities for patiently bearing offenses, for meekness and humility? You see, then, that we must be tried by many and various evils in order to prove our virtue and be eventually crowned.
~ St. John of Kronstadt

There are days when I want to have a temper tantrum instead.

Just sayin'.
gaaah

Holy St John, pray to God for me. 
Lord have mercy on me, a sinner. 

23 August 2011

Choose Again

Aenea: "When I was a kid...and I knew that I'd have to go through some of this stuff...I was always wondering what message I was going to give humankind...I kept working on it trying to get it as short and important as the Sermon on the Mount. Then I realized that was no good...like trying to out-write Shakespeare--so I decided that my message should be shorter...I got my message down to thirty five words. Too long. Then to twenty seven. Still too long. After a few years, I had it down to ten. Still too long. Eventually I boiled it down to two words...Choose Again."

Raul: "Care to elaborate on that?"

Aenea: "No...but name a category and you get the idea."

Raul: "Religion."

Aenea: "Choose Again."

Raul: "Political systems."

Aenea: "Choose Again."
Aenea (& Raul Endymion), The Rise of Endymion, p 461-463

It will soon be time for me to Choose Again.

A couple of years ago, I threw myself off a cliff and followed where I truly believed the Lord was leading me and I ended up pursuing a Masters degree in Library Science. How I could go 20+ years without knowing I should be an academic librarian I will never know but I finally figured it out, praise God! I'm even thinking of pursuing a higher degree, not because I like school so darn much (although I do) but because there is so much more to learn about this subject and so many ways to apply it. Who knows? Maybe I will add PhD, LL.M (Master of Laws) or JD (Juris Doctor) behind my name in a couple of years.

Four years ago next month, I went to a Bible study and God promised me that in spite of the dramedy I was living through (and would continue to live through, YEESH!) at the time He would care for me and for Gabriel and make sure that we were safe and provided for. Over and over again He has provided for me, protected me, built me up and kept me from falling into traps. He did this by promising me what He would do and then letting me choose to follow His lead and then choose again to follow Him and to choose yet again to follow Him.

Some of what He encouraged  me to do (give up, leave behind, pursue, run from, fight against, hold close, kick to the curb like a used kleenex) scared me spitless. I praise Him for my friends and family who stood with me until I was able to choose again to do what I had already chosen to do in spite of my fears.

This particular part of my odyssey is almost over and I will choose again to follow where He leads me. There are so many more options available to me now than there were just a few years ago. I am more confident about myself and my choices than I have been in years and all because I've made it a point to "Choose Again" to follow God.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
The Hyperion Cantos
Isaiah 54
Ruth 3:11

03 August 2011

Fibromyalgia


Definition:
Fibro - refers to fibrous tissues such as tendons and ligaments.
my - muscle
algia - pain

Fibromyalgia or Fibromyalgia Pain Syndrome (FMS) is a chronic pain condition, that can lead to exhaustion. There are many symptoms and also a connection with other health problems such as arthritis, CFS, thyroid, etc. 

Fibromyalgia affects men, women, and children. However, women between the age of 25 and 50 seem most affected (the ratio of women to men is 10 to 1). Children are often misdiagnosed as having growing pains or behavioral problems.

Diagnosis:
Fibromyalgia is diagnosed in two steps.
  1. Other illnesses and conditions are ruled out using
    1. a medical history and
    2. laboratory tests.
  2. Apply the criteria explain below. (In 1986, a committee of 24 doctors from medical centres across North America began a study to determine criteria for the classification of Fibromyalgia.)
    • History of widespread pain (present for at least three months). Pain is considered widespread when it is felt in ALL of the following regions:
    1. left side of the body
    2. right side of the body
    3. above the waist
    4. below the waist
    5. axil skeleton (cervical spine or anterior chest or thoracic spine or lower back). Shoulder and buttock pain is considered pain on the side or sides reported; 'lower back' is considered pain below the waist.
    • Pain on digital palpitation in 11 of the 18 tender point sites (9 on each side) (see Figure).
For a tender point to be considered positive, the person MUST state that the palpitation was 'painful'. Digital palpitation should be performed with an approximate force of four kg. 

Musculoskeletal pain and fatigue experienced by Fibromyalgia patients is a chronic problem which tends to have a waxing and waning intensity. There is often a concern on the part of patients and sometimes physicians, that FMS is the early phase of some more severe disease, such as multiple sclerosis, systemic lupus esthematosus, etc. Long term follow up of Fibromyalgia patients has shown that it is very unusual for them to develop another rheumatic disease or neurological condition. However, it is quite common for patients with "well established" rheumatic diseases, such as rheumatoid arthritis, systemic lupus and Sjogren's Syndrome to also have Fibromyalgia. Patients with Fibromyalgia do not become crippled with the condition, nor is there any evidence it effects the duration of their expected life span. Nevertheless, due to varying levels of pain and fatigue, there is inevitable contraction of social, vocational and avocational activities which leads to a reduced quality of life.

Symptoms:
Fibromyalgia patients have widespread body pain which arises from their muscles. Some FMS patients feel their pain originates in their joints. Pain that emanates from the joints is called arthritis, extensive studies have shown FMS patients do not have arthritis. Although many Fibromyalgia patients are aware of the pain when they are resting, it is most noticeable when they use their muscles, particularly with repetitive activities. Their discomfort can be so severe it may significantly limit their ability to lead a full life. As a consequence of muscle pain, many FMS patients severely limit their activities including exercise routines. This results in their becoming physically unfit, which eventually makes their Fibromyalgia symptoms worse.

Generally people with Fibromyalgia state that they hurt all over, especially in the parts that are used the most. Stiffness, especially on waking, sleep disorders, irritable bowel syndrome (see separate sheet), irritable bladder syndrome, premenstrual syndrome, restless leg syndrome, headaches (especially migraines and tension headaches) (see separate sheet), muscle spasms, cold intolerance, TMJ, cognitive difficulties, numbness and tingling in the extremities are some of the symptoms. Other common symptoms include a decreased sense of energy, disturbances of sleep, and varying degrees of anxiety and depression related to patients' changed physical status.

There are significant similarities between Fibromyalgia and Myofascial Pain Syndrome. MPS is discussed in this booklet as well.

We do not know what causes Fibromyalgia. Many people pinpoint a time when the symptoms started, for example, after a trauma, such as a car accident. Others say that their symptoms came on gradually.

Treatment:
Treatment centers on the symptoms, not the illness.

In general, drugs used to treat musculoskeletal pain, such as aspirin, non-steroidals and cortisone are not particularly helpful in this situation. Also, routine use of sleeping pills such as Halcion, Restoril, Valium, etc. should be avoided as they impair the quality of deep sleep.

Low dosages of antidepressants are often used to treat pain and sleep disorders. Zostrix (capaiscin cream) is a prescription/over-the-counter cream which can be helpful to alleviate pain. It is made from natural ingredients from hot peppers and penetrates through the skin and into muscles.

If you have Fibromyalgia, decrease the amount of stress placed on the liver. If your liver isn't able to function properly, the body becomes more prone to pain, fatigue and allergic reactions. The juice of one half lemon, unsweetened in water, 20 minutes before breakfast daily, can help improve its function (if you have any pain that appears to originate from the gall bladder you may be reacting to the lemon).

Many people with Fibromyalgia may have problems with decreased oxygen flow to the muscles, resulting in lactic acid build-up which leads to pain. To help alleviate this the following can be used daily: B vitamin complex (50 mg once/twice daily), elemental calcium (citrate or aspartate, 1000-1200 mg/daily), magnesium (citrate or aspartate, 400-500 mg/daily), vitamin D (400-600 i.u.) and manganese (150 mg/daily). Apple cider vinegar (must say "pure" on label) can be helpful for reducing muscle pain, as it contains malic acid. Chronic muscle pain has been linked to heavy muscle toxicity with some people and malic acid has the ability to bind with these and carry them out of the body. Two teaspoons of vinegar daily is enough.

Feverfew is a natural pain reliever. It is especially helpful for migraine headaches. The pill form is usually taken (1-2, 125-150 mg up to four times daily) when needed. Although you may need to take it regularly if it does not help your pain. Caffeine may intensify pain. Decaffeinated tea or coffee also have other chemicals (other than caffeine) that can be harmful as well, so do not drink decaffeinated tea or coffee either.

Eat as close to a vegetarian diet as possible. There is arachidonic acid in meat that stimulates the production of inflammation and pain. Those with Fibromyalgia tend to be deficient in the essential fatty acids. Essential fatty acids act as natural anti-inflammatories. You can have your essential fatty acids tested at the Efamol Research Centre in the Coldbrook Industrial Park. If you have a requisition form from your physician the test is paid for through MSI. You may have to ask for the test to be read by a professional on site because many doctors are not able to interpret the results.

Flaxseed oil, borage oil, evening primrose oil are a few of the oils containing essential fatty acids. If you take evening primrose oil take either the marine blend or take cod liver oil with it because fish oil is required to help evening primrose oil work effectively.

If you suffer from digestive problems with Fibromyalgia you can take digestive enzymes containing amylase, protease and lipase (1-2 at each meal) or as needed.

Panax ginseng is good for increasing energy (25-50 mg/daily), but you should not take Panax ginseng if you are diabetic or suffer from hypertension.

Exercise according to the body's needs and ability. Overall, FMS patients must avoid impact loading exertion such as jogging, basketball, high-impact aerobics, etc. Low-impact aerobics such as regular walking, the use of a stationary exercycle and pool therapy utilizing an Aqua jogger (a floatation device which allows the user to walk or run in the swimming pool while remaining upright) seem to be the most suitable activities for FMS patients to pursue. Supervision by a physical therapist or exercise physiologist is of benefit wherever possible. In general, 20 minutes of physical activity, three times a week at 70% of maximum heart rate (220 minus your age) is sufficient to maintain a reasonable level of aerobic fitness.

Massage, hydrotherapy, physiotherapy, heat, and rest are of benefit. None cure Fibromyalgia but give much needed relief from pain.

Massage assists the removal of waste from muscles, while increasing blood and nutrient flow. This results in a greater availability of oxygen to cells.

Massage is useful for those with Fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia affects all of the major systems (circulatory, respiratory, lymphatic, digestive, immune and endocrine) of the body and all of these systems respond favorably to massage. That means massage helps move a person towards wellness.

Hydrotherapy, a part of some physiotherapy clinics, has been used since the 1930's to address a wide variety of conditions. You may be able to join an aquatic (aerobic in the water) program at your community center. Hydrotherapy gives people benefits such as gravity-free exercise, local heat and massage, relaxation and pain management.

Particularly painful areas often may be helped for a short time (2-3 months) by tender point injections. This involves injecting a tender point with a local anesthetic (usually 1% Procaine) and then stretching the involved muscle with a technique called spray and stretch. It should be noted the injection of a tender point is quite painful (indeed, if it is not painful the injection is seldom successful). After the injection, there is typically a 2-4 day lag before any beneficial effects are noted.

Well that explains a few things.


Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.