prayer vs Prayer

"I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity."
— C.S. Lewis






"Comfort", "happiness", "joy" and "comfortable" are all different things, you know? My religious life and relationship with Christ brings me comfort and joy even in the midst of profound unhappiness and enhance those fleeting moments of happiness. On the other hand, my relationship with Christ also makes me profoundly UNcomfortable when I look at my own sin and the passions I need to overcome and eradicate from my life, but brings me great comfort in knowing that in confession comes forgiveness and in the ascesis of the Church comes the healing that brings change.

This past week has been extremely uncomfy for me...In more ways than one. I have not been a nice person. I mean, if I wasn't attached to me I would have left me alone. It was that bad. Inflicting myself on others was probably not the best thing either. My poor boy had to live with me though. Do you know how ridiculously tiring it is to not reveal just how grumpy you actually feel only to find out just how badly you've not hidden your grumpiness? Ai ya.

What really sucked was it seemed like the more I prayed the worse things got.

Then I realized that I wasn't praying. I was complaining.

Kvetching.
 Pouting.
Whining.
Bitching.
With a bad attitude.

Yes, you can do all of the above when you pray from a prayer book.

True prayer is hard work. It doesn't just happen. In Scripture, people often prayed for days at a time, concentrating on the Lord, on reaching Him and finding His will. The saints of the Church, the Holy Fathers and Mothers did not find their prayer lives easy and, to quote St Theophan's Letters, "Instantaneous prayer life is impossible. You must make a strong effort to control your thoughts, at least to some degree. Prayer does not come about as you expect—by just wishing for it, and, suddenly, there it is. This does not happen." (Letter 48)  Prayer of the heart comes when one makes an effort; to those who do not strive, it will not come. (Letter 15).

I know this week I have not been preparing myself to pray properly. I've just been listing what I want God to do for me to make my life easier and more comfortable. Even in my prayers. I've not remembered Him and what He has already done for me. I have an aircraft carrier full of things I should praise Him for but I keep asking for more. Hmph. Can you say "spoiled brat"? His mercy endures forever...Mainly because my memory is so dang short.

I am also a victim of the idea that my worldly and spiritual lives are separate. That "when one becomes involved in work at home or in business, immediately one steps out of the godly realm and away from God-pleasing activities. From this idea, it follows that once the desire to strive toward God germinates, and talk turns toward the spiritual life, then the idea inevitably surfaces: one must run from society, from the home — to the wilderness, to the forest. (Letter 49) Nothing could be further from the truth. I need Him all the more when I am away from my prayer corner.

Well, where has your prayer vanished? It seems to have started off quite well, and you had already experienced its grace-filled actions in your heart. I will tell you where it has gone. Having prayed once or twice with warmth and in earnest, and having experienced such immediate help through prayer...you thought your prayer was forever established, and that there was no need to maintain it. You thought it would flow by itself. Expecting prayer to continue on its own, you began to rush and carelessly left your thoughts to wander unchecked. From this, your attention scattered, thought went in all directions, and your prayer was no longer true. Once, twice in such a careless manner, and prayer disappeared. Begin anew to establish prayer and plead with the Lord to help you. (Letter 71)

So my problem this week has been me. By eschewing (yes I said eschew...I have a librarian's vocabulary) the "medicine" of the Church I've been sabotaging myself. Doing godly deeds in an ungodly manner (Letter 49) won't help me attain theosis anymore than sitting in the library will make me a book.

I hope that I can remember this in these weeks leading up to Lent.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.