Happy

Ooh.. Oooooohhh.
Landlord's knocking at my door cussing me out
Got laid off my job the night before
Can’t figure how I’m gonna fix tomorrow away
If today’s still a mess
Can u tell me what’s the point man
It all seems meaningless
I wish that I could step away and breathe
This world’s trying to swallow me
Clear away the clouds inside my head

[Chorus:] Someone just tell me That it’s ok now What are you worried about
Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy

People lie, people hide, people cry, people fight
And they don’t know why
If fear is all that we should fear
Then what are we so afraid of
Cause fear is only in our heads

[Chorus]

Any day I'll go mad thinking that
Everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
Preparing to battle an enemy unseen
During my stressing I’m blinded to the lesson
That could be a blessing if I'd be confessing that the enemy
I’m trying to beat is hiding inside of me

But it’s ok now...what are you worrying about...

[Chorus:]
Keep your grind on girl...it’s your love, it’s your world... [Repeat 2x]
[Chorus]

What Am I Looking for Anyway?

I was talking with someone today ((about a specific topic)) and she asked me what exactly is it I am seeking from X? It put me in mind of Jesus' question to His followers after He was visited by St John the Forerunner's followers.

He asked, "What did you go out into the wilderness to see?" ((Matthew 11:7))

I don't truly know. All of a sudden I was here, in the wild, fallen among choking thorns and dry rocks, picked at by the birds ((Luke 8:4-8, 11-15)) and wondering how the heck this happened.

But what did you go out into the wilderness to see?

I don't know! I didn't expect to be here so I don't know what I expected to see. Why do you keep asking me this question?

But what did you go out into the wilderness to see?

Nothing. I didn't expect anything. I didn't expect anything good anyway. If I had any expectations. Okay, I had expectations but they were very low. It isn't called "the wilderness" for nothing. Honestly, I don't think I ever thought I would be in the wilderness in the first place. I'm a city girl. I don't like...being far from the mall...and Target...and sushi...and a good viognier.

But what did you go out into the wilderness to see?

I didn't expect to see anything but I saw my heart. I saw how my sins had overtaken me and had multiplied ((Psalm 40:12)), how deceitful it was ((Jeremiah 17:9)). But You knew that already ((1 Samuel 16:7)).

But what did you go out into the wilderness to see?

A hiding place. Although there is no place to hide from You ((Psalm 139:11-12)). I went into the wilderness to be found by You.

But what did you go out into the wilderness to see?

I went to see that I want to be found. I want to be safe and protected. I want to be brought back to the green pastures and still waters and to rest. I think that is what I went to see.

Finding Myself Real

When you find yourself in God's word, it's always a comfort. For me, it lets me know that he truly does think of me and prepares for me. When I stumbled over this psalm a few months ago, I so happy that He knew, had prepared for and understood me.

What is also a blessing is that He knows exactly how I feel about things and doesn't say, "Oh don't feel that way! Be positive!" He knows I was hurting ((still am at times but less now)) and that I wanted to cause so much pain in return. He's been there done that bought the t-shirt. A few years ago, I didn't understand that. I thought ((and was taught)) I had to be happy to be a "real" Christian. That I had to be "nice."

Such bull kept me fighting depression for years. Then I had reality dumped upon me like a load of bricks and I decided

i will not call
i'm not goin to be nice
i will raise my voice
& scream & holler
& break things & race the engine
& tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face...
...& i wont be sorry for none of it

i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
i still crave vulnerablity & close talk
& i'm not even sorry bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna
just dont give it to me
i cant use another sorry
next time
you should admit
you're mean / low-down / triflin / & no count straight out
steada bein sorry alla the time
enjoy bein yrself

That was from For Colored Girls Who've Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf by Ntozake Shange.

This is from King David:

Give ear to my prayer, O God;
do not hide yourself from my supplication.
Attend to me, and answer me;
I am troubled in my complaint.
I am distraught by the noise of the enemy,
because of the clamour of the wicked.
For they bring trouble upon me,
and in anger they cherish enmity against me.

My heart is in anguish within me,
the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
Fear and trembling come upon me,
and horror overwhelms me.
And I say, ‘O that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest;
truly, I would flee far away;
I would lodge in the wilderness;

Selah

I would hurry to find a shelter for myself
from the raging wind and tempest...’

...It is not enemies who taunt me—
I could bear that;
it is not adversaries who deal insolently with me—
I could hide from them.
But it is you, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend,
with whom I kept pleasant company;
we walked in the house of God with the throng.
Let death come upon them;
let them go down alive to Sheol;
for evil is in their homes and in their hearts.

But I call upon God,
and the Lord will save me.
Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
and he will hear my voice.
He will redeem me unharmed
from the battle that I wage,
for many are arrayed against me.
God, who is enthroned from of old,

Selah

will hear, and will humble them—
because they do not change,
and do not fear God.

My companion laid hands on a friend
and violated a covenant with me
with speech smoother than butter,
but with a heart set on war;
with words that were softer than oil,
but in fact were drawn swords.

Cast your burden on the Lord,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.

But you, O God, will cast them down
into the lowest pit;
the bloodthirsty and treacherous
shall not live out half their days.
But I will trust in you.
Psalm 55

Have Mercy...

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner...

After a while, saying this prayer is becoming more and more instinctive. When an unworthy thought comes, when I feel the need to complain, when I am becoming judgmental...

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Awareness is the key. Becoming aware of where I have fallen off the wagon, so to speak, and then asking to get back on.

The problem is I tend to fall off before I get all the way on at all! Oy...

And seriously, why would anyone spend almost $1000 on binoculars?!?! ((Can you tell I am being subjected to a tv infomercial?))

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner....

What the heck?

Seriously, what does "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual" actually mean IRL? Sounds to me like it means "I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it and interpret things to mean what I want them to mean to suit what I am doing at the time no matter what."

For the time is coming when people will not put up with sound doctrine, but having itching ears, they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own desires, ⁴and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander away to myths.

2 Timothy 4:3-4

It's one of those very annoying things I hear a lot of these days. Such a very profound way of being neither hot or cold.

Remember God...

“In all your works,eiither at home or at the place of your service, do not forget that all your strength, your light and your success are in Christ and His Cross; therefore, do not fail to call upon the Lord before beginning any work, saying: Jesus, help me! Jesus, enlighten me! Thus your heart will be supported and warmed by lively faith and hope in Christ, for His is the power and glory unto ages of ages.”
St. John Kronstadt

I Don't Understand Me

…I am of the flesh, sold into slavery under sin. I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate… Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me.

Romans 7:14-15, 20

Sometimes I do wish I would stop myself before I do dumb stuff. Nothing major or anything like that. But I seem to have the talent to do random nonsense that knocks me off my game, ruins my peace and sends me back to square one mentally.

Lord have mercy.

Someone Asked This Question Recently

Please understand that I am sincere and really want to know when I ask "why?"

What reasons are you grateful for? For what reasons are you grateful? I don't know LOL.

I'm in another "what difference does it make, if I can't manage to be faithful now, I will just be an unfaithful Orthodox person." mood.

I know this wasn't addressed to me but I have to respond. It's compulsive!

Honestly, though, I am so grateful to know what my path actually is. "Remember God. Say your prayers. Go to Church. Forgive your brother. Keep the commandments." I've heard that same thing so many times from so many people since I've studied Orthodoxy. For some reason, it was so complicated before. I had to be so careful that I wasn't doing this that or the other thing. That I believed this or that or didn't believe this or that. Blah blah blah ad nauseaum ad infinitum.

It's such a relief to not have to do anything but "Remember God. Say your prayers. Go to Church. Forgive your brother. Keep the commandments."

Even though it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Now I have a map ((the words of the Fathers ancient and modern)), a light ((the Church and Her Traditions)), people to travel with ((y'all )), a connection with people who have already arrived ((the saints)) and a goal beyond "getting to Heaven" ((the aforementioned list)).

I love Orthodoxy!

And now I am crying. ~toddles off to find a tissue~

The Hardest Part

“Remember God. Say your prayers. Go to Church. Forgive your brother. Keep the commandments.”

Assimilating the Gospel

This seems to be the consensus.

I left on my trip to the monastery with one goal in mind: to find out how to live a life pleasing to God. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am some kind of god-forsaken abomination or something like that but I do want to be more than average. I want to have the Lord look at me and say "Well done."

I've been struggling to figure out how to do this though. I've read so many biographies and theologies and theories and whatnot trying to figure it out. Then we went to the monastery and, as I said, my plan was to figure it out.

Fr Thomas Hopko is the presiding priest at Holy Transfiguration Monastery. His homily on the Sunday of our visit was on the calling of the believer. He said that all Christians have a calling, not just ordained priests or monastics ((who are not ordained, by the way, but are considered laymen)). The way to discover our calling isn't to wait for major signs from God. God, Fr Thomas said, will tell me what He has in mind for me. But He wants me to fulfill my original calling to become a saint first.

How do I become a saint?

Remember God. Say my prayers. Go to church. Forgive my brother. Obey the commandments.

Then I will know what He wants of me. His good, acceptable and perfect will for me.

And after that?

Remember God. Say my prayers. Go to church. Forgive my brother. Obey the commandments.

It's really that simple.

But it's the hardest part of the whole deal, you know?

Not One Word Lost

“Remember that not a single word is lost during prayer if you say it from your heart. God hears each word and weighs it in a balance. Sometimes, it seems to us that our words only strike the air in vain, and sound as a voice of one crying in the wilderness, no, no it is not so!….The Lord responds to every desire of the heart, expressed in words or unexpressed.”

St. John of Kronstadt

I read this quote today on the blog, Mind in the Heart and felt glad. Sometimes it is all I can do to just remember that God knows me so intimately that all I have to do is whisper to Him and He will hear me. I take so many things onto my own inadequate shoulders and try to figure them out in my head and wonder how this and that and the other things are going to work out...

Not my job.

And sometimes I just need to remember that when I am not praying, there are people praying for me. My friends and family, my priest, monastics, the saints gone before, the Theotokos. The communion of Saints is not just a nice concept developed to give us the warm squishies. It's real. And it's amazingly comforting when I feel like all I can do is reason, rage or weep.

I am so thankful.