Thoughts About Scarves

90% of the time I cover my hair. I believe it is something God has called me to do and I have done it. There are various and sundry reasons for it that I won't go into right now, but suffice to say I believe I cover by faith and that is between me and God.

Recently I've been evaluating myself and wondering if I should continue to cover and what the scarf actually means to me. What does wearing my hair out actually mean to me? So I had to think deep thoughts about this.

A few years ago when I first began this, my ex-husband said to me, "Whatever you do, do it for the glory of God. Don't make a Law out of it for yourself."

And you know, that one statement helps keep things in perspective for me in regard to the scarves I wear ((or don't wear)). So I ask myself, "Does wearing this scarf make me feel holier than other people? If I don't wear it does it mean God won't answer my prayers? If I do wear it does it mean He will overlook my sin?" None of those things are true.

I have to keep things in perspective in a way that seems right to me so that I don't start attaching my feelings/thoughts/beliefs/faith to things they should not belong to.

Relevant Verses
1 Corinthians 11:2-16
Galatians 2:16-3:29

For Our President and Other World Leaders

"Holy God, in all humility we pray to you who are the source of wisdom, bless and grant perfect health of mind and body to our President (future President), our Governors and all the loyal leaders in our world. Direct their thoughts, Lord, in the way of Truth, that they may enact, order, and enforce those things that are pleasing to You, those things that are pure, those things that are just, tending toward all excellence and virtue. Enlighten them to govern and to lead all people in the ways of Your righteousness, + for you are holy, now, and ever, and unto the ages of ages. Amen."

Moderate. Conservative. Orthodox. Christian. Pro-Life. African-American. Woman.

It's an interesting set of labels to bear during this election cycle.

Advice to a Clumsy Sheep

My child, do not let these escape from your sight:
keep sound wisdom and prudence,
and they will be life for your soul
and adornment for your neck.
Then you will walk on your way securely
and your foot will not stumble.
If you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
Do not be afraid of sudden panic,
or of the storm that strikes the wicked;
for the Lord will be your confidence
and will keep your foot from being caught.
Proverbs 3:21-26

Great peace have those who love your law;
nothing can make them stumble.
Psalm 119:165

His divine power has given us everything needed for life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Thus he has given us, through these things, his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may escape from the corruption that is in the world because of lust, and may become participants in the divine nature. For this very reason, you must make every effort to support your faith with goodness, and goodness with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with endurance, and endurance with godliness, and godliness with mutual affection, and mutual affection with love. For if these things are yours and are increasing among you, they keep you from being ineffective and unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For anyone who lacks these things is short-sighted and blind, and is forgetful of the cleansing of past sins. Therefore, brothers and sisters, be all the more eager to confirm your call and election, for if you do this, you will never stumble.
2 Peter 1:3-11

All emphasis mine.

God help me.

He Speaks, I Listen

God loves to speak to me though the books I am reading. Secular, religious, fiction, non-fiction, if He wants me to get it He uses a book ((or music too sometimes)). Here's a passage that leaped out at me the other day.

I think it is pretty unambiguous about my situation.

Remember how the first desire...entered into [y]our souls, how it was warm, how often and sweetly it fed the soul. At times the Lord would place upon you His blessing hand. Watch out, lest you push away from yoursel[f] God’s expectation for you. With good monasticism show yoursel[f] to be worthy of His election. Remember what indication the Lord gave you for this, in order for you to leave the world and to choose precisely this and no other convent. Watch out, therefore: do not waver in doubt, as if the place you chose was not from God, and do not be fainthearted when it seems that the Lord has turned His face from you…Watch out: do not make these labors fruitless after having already achieved that which you sought and do not lay down the armor of warfare…Here you have everything necessary for successful [sic] life but it [sic] is not acquired for free. How much it demands—sweat and pain, both inward and outward! This you know, but you also know the consolations which fall to the lot of the laborers, and you clearly see the end to which everything leads. Do not grow faint. God will not forget your labor as He did not forget the labor of others who labored for the glory of His name.

Kindling the Divine Spark, p33-34 by St Theophan the Recluse, emphasis mine although all of it applies

So... I have my "orders".

Remember each of us has his own cross which he has to carry in answer to the call of God to follow Him and upon which he has to be crucified…The Golgotha of this cross is our heart…and it is composed of different dispositions of our heart…

The lower part of the cross, which enters into the ground, on the inner cross represents self-denial which breaks the ground of the heart and implants the cross…

The upper part of the inner cross—the part which goes upwards, stands erect and extends—represents patience, that is a firmness to stand in your intention so that no obstacles, discontentment or labors can make you waver…

The horizontal section of the inner cross represents obedience: such a disposition whereby a person never undertakes or plans anything on his own but simply listens and fufills without contradiction the orders of others. The obedient one…voluntarily renounces his independence and yields himself as the implement of another.

…Each of the above-mentioned monastic virtues has, in addition to its external, stern aspect, an inner side which is alive and joyful, and which either predisposes one for it or develops from it.

Thus patience is supported by and lives in hope that monastic labor is not in vain… [H]ope nourishes patience and makes it inexhaustible. Hope fills the heart with the joy of certain possession of that for which it waits and this joy alleviates the painful effort of patience caused by labors.

Obedience is animated by love. Obedience is the renunciation of one’s own activities and reasoning—our most precious actions. One must have strength to gain mastery over himself amd deny himself these things…Only love can powerfully add sound flexibility to obedience…Where there is love, everything is done easily, quickly and willingly. Only obedience which comes from love can render joyful all the labors to which it is assigned.

Finally, mortification of oneself to the world is vivified and occasioned by the faith…that we were created for life in God…and that because of this, no one who wishes to rise again to life in God must die to himself and to the world.

Kindling the Divine Spark p52-56, St Theophan the Recluse

Lord have mercy.

Happy

Ooh.. Oooooohhh.
Landlord's knocking at my door cussing me out
Got laid off my job the night before
Can’t figure how I’m gonna fix tomorrow away
If today’s still a mess
Can u tell me what’s the point man
It all seems meaningless
I wish that I could step away and breathe
This world’s trying to swallow me
Clear away the clouds inside my head

[Chorus:] Someone just tell me That it’s ok now What are you worried about
Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy

People lie, people hide, people cry, people fight
And they don’t know why
If fear is all that we should fear
Then what are we so afraid of
Cause fear is only in our heads

[Chorus]

Any day I'll go mad thinking that
Everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
Preparing to battle an enemy unseen
During my stressing I’m blinded to the lesson
That could be a blessing if I'd be confessing that the enemy
I’m trying to beat is hiding inside of me

But it’s ok now...what are you worrying about...

[Chorus:]
Keep your grind on girl...it’s your love, it’s your world... [Repeat 2x]
[Chorus]

What Am I Looking for Anyway?

I was talking with someone today ((about a specific topic)) and she asked me what exactly is it I am seeking from X? It put me in mind of Jesus' question to His followers after He was visited by St John the Forerunner's followers.

He asked, "What did you go out into the wilderness to see?" ((Matthew 11:7))

I don't truly know. All of a sudden I was here, in the wild, fallen among choking thorns and dry rocks, picked at by the birds ((Luke 8:4-8, 11-15)) and wondering how the heck this happened.

But what did you go out into the wilderness to see?

I don't know! I didn't expect to be here so I don't know what I expected to see. Why do you keep asking me this question?

But what did you go out into the wilderness to see?

Nothing. I didn't expect anything. I didn't expect anything good anyway. If I had any expectations. Okay, I had expectations but they were very low. It isn't called "the wilderness" for nothing. Honestly, I don't think I ever thought I would be in the wilderness in the first place. I'm a city girl. I don't like...being far from the mall...and Target...and sushi...and a good viognier.

But what did you go out into the wilderness to see?

I didn't expect to see anything but I saw my heart. I saw how my sins had overtaken me and had multiplied ((Psalm 40:12)), how deceitful it was ((Jeremiah 17:9)). But You knew that already ((1 Samuel 16:7)).

But what did you go out into the wilderness to see?

A hiding place. Although there is no place to hide from You ((Psalm 139:11-12)). I went into the wilderness to be found by You.

But what did you go out into the wilderness to see?

I went to see that I want to be found. I want to be safe and protected. I want to be brought back to the green pastures and still waters and to rest. I think that is what I went to see.

Finding Myself Real

When you find yourself in God's word, it's always a comfort. For me, it lets me know that he truly does think of me and prepares for me. When I stumbled over this psalm a few months ago, I so happy that He knew, had prepared for and understood me.

What is also a blessing is that He knows exactly how I feel about things and doesn't say, "Oh don't feel that way! Be positive!" He knows I was hurting ((still am at times but less now)) and that I wanted to cause so much pain in return. He's been there done that bought the t-shirt. A few years ago, I didn't understand that. I thought ((and was taught)) I had to be happy to be a "real" Christian. That I had to be "nice."

Such bull kept me fighting depression for years. Then I had reality dumped upon me like a load of bricks and I decided

i will not call
i'm not goin to be nice
i will raise my voice
& scream & holler
& break things & race the engine
& tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face...
...& i wont be sorry for none of it

i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
i still crave vulnerablity & close talk
& i'm not even sorry bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna
just dont give it to me
i cant use another sorry
next time
you should admit
you're mean / low-down / triflin / & no count straight out
steada bein sorry alla the time
enjoy bein yrself

That was from For Colored Girls Who've Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf by Ntozake Shange.

This is from King David:

Give ear to my prayer, O God;
do not hide yourself from my supplication.
Attend to me, and answer me;
I am troubled in my complaint.
I am distraught by the noise of the enemy,
because of the clamour of the wicked.
For they bring trouble upon me,
and in anger they cherish enmity against me.

My heart is in anguish within me,
the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
Fear and trembling come upon me,
and horror overwhelms me.
And I say, ‘O that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest;
truly, I would flee far away;
I would lodge in the wilderness;

Selah

I would hurry to find a shelter for myself
from the raging wind and tempest...’

...It is not enemies who taunt me—
I could bear that;
it is not adversaries who deal insolently with me—
I could hide from them.
But it is you, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend,
with whom I kept pleasant company;
we walked in the house of God with the throng.
Let death come upon them;
let them go down alive to Sheol;
for evil is in their homes and in their hearts.

But I call upon God,
and the Lord will save me.
Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
and he will hear my voice.
He will redeem me unharmed
from the battle that I wage,
for many are arrayed against me.
God, who is enthroned from of old,

Selah

will hear, and will humble them—
because they do not change,
and do not fear God.

My companion laid hands on a friend
and violated a covenant with me
with speech smoother than butter,
but with a heart set on war;
with words that were softer than oil,
but in fact were drawn swords.

Cast your burden on the Lord,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.

But you, O God, will cast them down
into the lowest pit;
the bloodthirsty and treacherous
shall not live out half their days.
But I will trust in you.
Psalm 55

Have Mercy...

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner...

After a while, saying this prayer is becoming more and more instinctive. When an unworthy thought comes, when I feel the need to complain, when I am becoming judgmental...

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Awareness is the key. Becoming aware of where I have fallen off the wagon, so to speak, and then asking to get back on.

The problem is I tend to fall off before I get all the way on at all! Oy...

And seriously, why would anyone spend almost $1000 on binoculars?!?! ((Can you tell I am being subjected to a tv infomercial?))

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner....

What the heck?

Seriously, what does "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual" actually mean IRL? Sounds to me like it means "I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it and interpret things to mean what I want them to mean to suit what I am doing at the time no matter what."

For the time is coming when people will not put up with sound doctrine, but having itching ears, they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own desires, ⁴and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander away to myths.

2 Timothy 4:3-4

It's one of those very annoying things I hear a lot of these days. Such a very profound way of being neither hot or cold.