Weird Mood

I really want to try to identify this mood I am in and have been in for the last few weeks. I'm not "happy" or "unhappy" per se. I'm easily annoyed but I just as easily get over it. I want to both be totally alone and with people at the same time although it's just that some of the people I want around me drive me absolutely bonkers. I went to Target and got depressed about school supplies and dorm furnishings but was still able to laugh and hang with a friend. I enjoy work but dread going. Decision making is getting to be very very hard again but once I make one I don't wonder too much about it. I want to sleep but stay up way later than I ought. I'm planning to enter school soon but I get tired just thinking about it even though I know millions of people manage full-time jobs and full-time school at the same time and I can do anything "they" can do. I'm often very hungry but just don't want to eat anything because (a) it's way too much trouble to cook (b) it costs way too much to eat out and (c) I can't think of anything I truely want anyway so why bother?

Sigh.

It's very strange.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Fear

I hate being afraid.

Tempted

I am often tempted to do things that are not conducive to my mental, emotional and spiritual health. I donb't know why. Especially when I know that doing them just makes me lose what peace I have for weeks at a time. It's very odd. Why torment myself this way?

^1617181920I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. But in fact it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me.

21^22232425 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do what is good, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God in my inmost self, but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind, making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7:15-25

It's good to know I am not alone in this.

But it's my fault.

Half, no, way more than half my difficulty comes from the fact that I have not been anywhere near consistent in my spiritual disciplines for months now. I've ignored my prayer rule, forgone reading and studying the Bible, made liturgy an option and basically just tossed everything I know I need to do out the window in favor of what my flesh wants to do--sleep and pretend that my actions have no consequences. I know there are those that think God doesn't do consequences but all the Bible versions I have read indicate otherwise.

Anyway, I know I need to get on the ball. I just need to figure out how to force myself to do it. After all, I do everything else I want to do, don't I?

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner. I can do nothing without you, but I can do all things through you if you only strengthen me. Amen.

Relevant Verses
Numbers 5:5-7
Romans 7:15-25

Useful Linkage
Coping with Spiritual Paralysis
Daily Prayer Basics

I Have Returned and I Am Annoyed

I'm amazed at the heat I take for a silly little thing on my head. It absolutely never ceases to amaze me. I can watch a movie that's riddled with violence, bad language and sexual overtones; I can walk around a beach with just enough material to cover the private parts that God gave me; I can regularly exceed the speed limits while driving; I can overeat in the name of Christian fellowship; I can step on people's heads and feelings on my way up the corporate ladder all in the name of 'ambition'...I can do so many things that are clearly sinful, clearly not holy, clearly meant to satisfy my flesh and my flesh alone -- appealing to my lower nature and not to my spiritual one -- and no one would say a word to me about it. But this little piece of fabric causes such an offense that even the people closest to us want to pin it on something...
Testimony of Grace: Beware the Spirit of Compromise

Been there done that bought the t-shirt. I remember certain people who were important in my life giving me such grief just because I decided to obey the push God was giving me toward being covered--hair and body. Certain people took it to mean I too was being selfish and unloving toward them. Others asked if I was converting to Islam. And let's not get started on the ones who are convinced I'm just trying to be "weird" for the sake of being weird. Someone also once said to me, "Just don't make it into a Law" As if the Law were bad or something.

¹⁷

From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. The law indeed was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
John 1:16,17

The Law was also grace. Jesus Christ fulfilled the Law--He was the Grace given on top of the grace of the Law. Even with the elaborate interpretation of the Law that they dealt with

[the Hebrews] did not see the law as a code, much less an arbitrary set of rules to be followed. They saw it as a help, a treasure, and a blessing. They also saw it as an expression of reality-the way things are, the way they are ordered in relation to each other and to their Creator. The Hebrews, who sang “thy law is truth”, felt it natural that any sane person would consider the law something he would want to get to know, the way he would want to come to understand life itself and its meaning: “How sweet are thy words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! Through thy precepts I get understanding” (Ps. 119.103)……in understanding the law, he understands what is what, and as a result he is at peace with others, with God, and with himself: he is strong and sure.”
From Sweeter than Honey by Peter Bouteneff

For the record, I am not becoming Jewish, either.

I guess all I am saying is, lay off other folks' expression of their faith. Don't assume you know that someone is "God's child" or not. Don't assume that because you worship in an Orthodox/Catholic/Evangelical/Liberal Protestant/High Protestant church that you have the corner on the salvation market compared to someone who doesn't worship there or even know/understand your style of worship.

You aren't walking their path. You aren't qualified to judge.

Concern yourself with your own salvation and leave the salvation of others between them and God.

And before anyone gets their panties in a wad, I am also preaching to myself. I often catch myself doing this very thing regularly. Believe me, it's a turrible turrible thing when you annoy yourself.

Endure & Know

Endure the trial of yourself and your own faults and sins peacefully, serenely, because you know that God's mercy is greater than your wretchedness.
Fr. Thomas Hopko

SUPPLICATION TO THE HOLY SPIRIT

A Syriac Prayer

O Thou Divine Comforter and Advocate, Spirit of Truth, Treasure-house of Goodness, and Fountain of Life. Thou who dost apportion gifts and give talents from above; come and dwell in us, and cleanse us thoroughly, O Lord.

Create a clean heart in us and renew a right spirit within us, even the spirit of temperance and purity, of righteousness and true holiness; the spirit of wisdom and understanding, even the spirit of strength and firm purpose; the spirit of knowledge and the awe of God.

Be with us and be our guide and leader, strengthening us and aiding us at all times. O Spirit of Holiness, full of mercy and goodness, grant our tears to flow and cleanse our hearts.

Do Thou take up Thy dwelling within us.

Touch our hearts with the fire of Thy love, O God, and refresh and revive us in all good works that we may live in Thee forever and ever.

Amen.

from The Golden Key to Divine Worship
by Mar Severius Ephrem Barsoum
Archdiocese of the Syriac Orthodox Church, 1961

Chasing Leaves

Today I got angry again. I was on my way to a friend's house for the first time and was informed about where I was exactly and suddenly all this...ickiness (for lack of a better word)...just rose to the surface. Again.

~sigh~

I so wish that wouldn't happen. When I am prepared for it, I can deal with such unpleasantness and keep my equilibrium. It's when the unpleasantness comes as a surprise that I find I must go chasing after leaves in the wind again.

I have no idea why this happens to me still. Or rather why I can't get my act together still. Stuff happens. Things are where they are. I can do my level best to avoid as much garbage as I want to but it will still be there someplace. Reality says I need to not let it bother me so much.

Reality sometimes needs to take a flying leap.

On the other hand, perhaps I can be thankful now. For example, I've apparently had this stomach churning anticipation of chance encounters and the like and now I have more insight in that area. I can pray about it now. And the need to be able to encounter certain things without forgetting Whose I am, to rely on Him and run to Him instead of trying to ignore the feelings.

As someone once said to me, "It's not the feelings that are good or bad in themselves, it's what we do with them." The lives of the saints give me so many examples of acting on feelings in both proper and improper ways. I need to take my cues from them and from the Lord.

O holy Saints, Elizabeth and Barbara, even as thou didst not turn away from the vilest of wretches during thy earthly sojourn, so do not turn away from our unworthiness. Pray unto the Lord that He may grant to us healing of soul and body, and great mercy. Help us, encumbered as we are with the pleasures and ease of life, to emulate thy martyrdom to the things of this world. Pray unto God for us, that we may join thee in the Heavenly Kingdom.

Do not fret because of the wicked;
do not be envious of wrongdoers,
²for they will soon fade like the grass,
and wither like the green herb.

³Trust in the Lord, and do good;
so you will live in the land, and enjoy security.
⁴Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
⁶He will make your vindication shine like the light,
and the justice of your cause like the noonday.

⁷Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him;
do not fret over those who prosper in their way,
over those who carry out evil devices.

⁸Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath.
Do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹For the wicked shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

¹⁰Yet a little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look diligently for their place, they will not be there.
¹¹But the meek shall inherit the land,
and delight in abundant prosperity.

¹²The wicked plot against the righteous,
and gnash their teeth at them;
¹³but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he sees that their day is coming.

¹⁴The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows
to bring down the poor and needy,
to kill those who walk uprightly;
¹⁵their sword shall enter their own heart,
and their bows shall be broken.

¹⁶Better is a little that the righteous person has
than the abundance of many wicked.
¹⁷For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,
but the Lord upholds the righteous.

The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
and their heritage will abide for ever;
¹⁹they are not put to shame in evil times,
in the days of famine they have abundance.

But the wicked perish,
and the enemies of the Lord are like the glory of the pastures;
they vanish—like smoke they vanish away.

The wicked borrow, and do not pay back,
but the righteous are generous and keep giving;
²²for those blessed by the Lord shall inherit the land,
but those cursed by him shall be cut off.

Our steps are made firm by the Lord,
when he delights in our way;
²⁴though we stumble, we shall not fall headlong,
for the Lord holds us by the hand.

I have been young, and now am old,
yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
²⁶They are ever giving liberally and lending,
and their children become a blessing.

Depart from evil, and do good;
so you shall abide for ever.
²⁸For the Lord loves justice;
he will not forsake his faithful ones.

The righteous shall be kept safe for ever,
but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.
²⁹The righteous shall inherit the land,
and live in it for ever.

The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
and their tongues speak justice.
³¹The law of their God is in their hearts;
their steps do not slip.

The wicked watch for the righteous,
and seek to kill them.
³³The Lord will not abandon them to their power,
or let them be condemned when they are brought to trial.

Wait for the Lord, and keep to his way,
and he will exalt you to inherit the land;
you will look on the destruction of the wicked.

I have seen the wicked oppressing,
and towering like a cedar of Lebanon.
³⁶Again I passed by, and they were no more;
though I sought them, they could not be found.

Mark the blameless, and behold the upright,
for there is posterity for the peaceable.
³⁸But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed;
the posterity of the wicked shall be cut off.

The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
he is their refuge in the time of trouble.
⁴⁰The Lord helps them and rescues them;
he rescues them from the wicked, and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.
Psalm 37

The Paschal Homily of St. John Chrysostom

Is there anyone who is a devout lover of God? Let them enjoy this beautiful bright festival!

Is there anyone who is a grateful servant? Let them rejoice and enter into the joy of their Lord!

Are there any weary with fasting? Let them now receive their wages! If any have toiled from the first hour, let them receive their due reward; If any have come after the third hour, let him with gratitude join in the Feast! And he that arrived after the sixth hour, let him not doubt; for he too shall sustain no loss. And if any delayed until the ninth hour, let him not hesitate; but let him come too. And he who arrived only at the eleventh hour, let him not be afraid by reason of his delay.

For the Lord is gracious and receives the last even as the first. He gives rest to him that comes at the eleventh hour, as well as to him that toiled from the first. To this one He gives, and upon another He bestows. He accepts the works as He greets the endeavor. The deed He honors and the intention He commends.

Let us all enter into the joy of the Lord! First and last alike receive your reward; rich and poor, rejoice together! Sober and slothful, celebrate the day!

You that have kept the fast, and you that have not, rejoice today for the Table is richly laden! Feast royally on it, the calf is a fatted one. Let no one go away hungry. Partake, all, of the cup of faith. Enjoy all the riches of His goodness!

Let no one grieve at his poverty, for the universal kingdom has been revealed. Let no one mourn that he has fallen again and again; for forgiveness has risen from the grave. Let no one fear death, for the Death of our Savior has set us free.
He has destroyed it by enduring it.

He destroyed Hades when He descended into it. He put it into an uproar even as it tasted of His flesh. Isaiah foretold this when he said, "You, O Hell, have been troubled by encountering Him below."

Hell was in an uproar because it was done away with. It was in an uproar because it is mocked. It was in an uproar, for it is destroyed. It is in an uproar, for it is annihilated. It is in an uproar, for it is now made captive. Hell took a body, and discovered God. It took earth, and encountered Heaven. It took what it saw, and was overcome by what it did not see.

O death, where is thy sting? O Hades, where is thy victory?

Christ is Risen, and you, O death, are annihilated! Christ is Risen, and the evil ones are cast down! Christ is Risen, and the angels rejoice! Christ is Risen, and life is liberated! Christ is Risen, and the tomb is emptied of its dead; for Christ having risen from the dead, is become the first-fruits of those who have fallen asleep.

To Him be Glory and Power forever and ever. Amen!

Today A Tomb Holds Him

"Today a tomb holds Him who holds the creation in the hollow of His hand; a stone covers Him who covered the heavens with glory.
Life sleeps and hell trembles, and Adam is set free from his bonds."

Don't Fight It

Don't struggle directly with temptation, don't pray for it to go away, don't say, “Take it from me, O God!” Then you are acknowledging the strength of the temptation and it takes hold of you. Because, although you are saying “Take it from me, O God”, basically you are bringing it to mind and fomenting it even more.

Your desire to be free of the passion will, of course, be there, but it will exist in a hidden and discreet way, without appearing outwardly. Remember what Scripture says: "Don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing."

Let all your strength be turned to love for God, worship of God and adhesion to God. In this way your release from evil and from your weaknesses will happen in a mystical manner, without your being aware of it and without exertion.
Elder Porphyrios, Wounded by Love, p137

Thank you Maria for reminding me of this. I love this book.