Timothy Snyder's 20 Lessons on Tyranny

Americans are no wiser than the Europeans who saw democracy yield to fascism, Nazism, or communism. Our one advantage is that we might learn from their experience. Now is a good time to do so. Here are twenty lessons from the twentieth century, adapted to the circumstances of today.  ~ Timothy Snyder is the Bird White Housum Professor of History at Yale University and a Permanent Fellow at the IWM

1. Do not obey in advance. Most of the power of authoritarianism is freely given. In times like these, individuals think ahead about what a more repressive government will want, and then offer themselves without being asked. A citizen who adapts in this way is teaching power what it can do.

2. Defend institutions. It is institutions that help us to preserve decency. They need our help as well. Do not speak of "our institutions" unless you make them yours by acting on their behalf. Institutions do not protect themselves. They fall one after the other unless each is defended from the beginning. So choose an institution you care about -- a court, a newspaper, a law, a labor union -- and take its side.

3. Beware the one-party state. The parties that remade states and suppressed rivals were not omnipotent from the start. They exploited a historic moment to make political life impossible for their opponents. So support the multiple-party system and defend the rules of democratic elections. Vote in local and state elections while you can. Consider running for office.

4. Take responsibility for the face of the world. The symbols of today enable the reality of tomorrow. Notice the swastikas and the other signs of hate. Do not look away, and do not get used to them. Remove them yourself and set an example for others to do so.

5. Remember professional ethics. When political leaders set a negative example, professional commitments to just practice become more important. It is hard to subvert a rule-of-law state without lawyers, or to hold show trials without judges. Authoritarians need obedient civil servants, and concentration camp directors seek businessmen interested in cheap labor.

6. Be wary of paramilitaries. When the men with guns who have always claimed to be against the system start wearing uniforms and marching with torches and pictures of a leader, the end is nigh. When the pro-leader paramilitary and the official police and military intermingle, the end has come.

7. Be reflective if you must be armed. If you carry a weapon in public service, may God bless you and keep you. But know that evils of the past involved policemen and soldiers finding themselves, one day, doing irregular things. Be ready to say no.

8. Stand out. Someone has to. It is easy to follow along. It can feel strange to do or say something different. But without that unease, there is no freedom. Remember Rosa Parks. The moment you set an example, the spell of the status quo is broken, and others will follow.

9. Be kind to our language. Avoid pronouncing the phrases everyone else does. Think up your own way of speaking, even if only to convey that thing you think everyone is saying. Make an effort to separate yourself from the internet. Read books.

10. Believe in truth. To abandon facts is to abandon freedom. If nothing is true, then no one can criticize power, because there is no basis upon which to do so. If nothing is true, then all is spectacle. The biggest wallet pays for the most blinding lights.

11. Investigate. Figure things out for yourself. Spend more time with long articles. Subsidize investigative journalism by subscribing to print media. Realize that some of what is on the internet is there to harm you. Learn about sites that investigate propaganda campaigns (some of which come from abroad). Take responsibility for what you communicate with others.

12. Make eye contact and small talk. This is not just polite. It is part of being a citizen and a responsible member of society. It is also a way to stay in touch with your surroundings, break down social barriers, and understand whom you should and should not trust. If we enter a culture of denunciation, you will want to know the psychological landscape of your daily life.

13. Practice corporeal politics. Power wants your body softening in your chair and your emotions dissipating on the screen. Get outside. Put your body in unfamiliar places with unfamiliar people. Make new friends and march with them.

14. Establish a private life. Nastier rulers will use what they know about you to push you around. Scrub your computer of malware on a regular basis. Remember that email is skywriting. Consider using alternative forms of the internet, or simply using it less. Have personal exchanges in person. For the same reason, resolve any legal trouble. Tyrants seek the hook on which to hang you. Try not to have hooks.

15. Contribute to good causes. Be active in organizations, political or not, that express your own view of life. Pick a charity or two and set up autopay. Then you will have made a free choice that supports civil society and helps others to do good.

16. Learn from peers in other countries. Keep up your friendships abroad, or make new friends in other countries. The present difficulties in the United States are an element of a larger trend. And no country is going to find a solution by itself. Make sure you and your family have passports.

17. Listen for dangerous words. Be alert to use of the words "extremism" and "terrorism." Be alive to the fatal notions of "emergency" and "exception." Be angry about the treacherous use of patriotic vocabulary.

18. Be calm when the unthinkable arrives. Modern tyranny is terror management. When the terrorist attack comes, remember that authoritarians exploit such events in order to consolidate power. The sudden disaster that requires the end of checks and balances, the dissolution of opposition parties, the suspension of freedom of expression, the right to a fair trial, and so on, is the oldest trick in the Hitlerian book. Do not fall for it.

19. Be a patriot. Set a good example of what America means for the generations to come. They will need it.

20. Be as courageous as you can. If none of us is prepared to die for freedom, then all of us will die under tyranny.

Relevant Reading

On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons from the 20th Century 

20 Lessons from the 20th Century (article)
Thinking and the Lack of Civility

When Stability Disintegrates...Pray Working

Oya

When apparent stability disintegrates,
As it must—
God is Change—
People tend to give in
To fear and depression,
To need and greed.
When no influence is strong enough
To unify people
They divide.
They struggle,
One against one,
Group against group,
For survival, position, power.
They remember old hates and generate new ones,
They create chaos and nurture it.
They kill and kill and kill,
Until they are exhausted and destroyed,
Until they are conquered by outside forces,
Or until one of them becomes
A leader
Most will follow,
Or a tyrant
Most fear.
∞ = Δ

Papa Legba

Respect God:
Pray working.
Pray learning,
planning,
doing.
Pray creating,
teaching,
reaching.
Pray working.
Pray to focus your thoughts,
still your fears,
strengthen your purpose.
Respect God.
Shape God.
Pray working.
∞ = Δ
 

 

Relevant Reading

Parable Duology by Octavia Butler
Earthseed: The Books of the Living

The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 7 - I am not a philosopher

 Someone said to me:

"As you would put it, ["Terrible Lie" by NIN] resonates with me.  Maybe not everyone has these moments in these, or have them as much as I do sometimes these days. I suppose the only difference now is not renouncing everything. You can take the person out of the Orthodox Church but you can't take the Orthodox Church out of them. Funny part is, unlike past protestant churches, I wouldn't want to anyway. I do actual reasons, and just like that high school girlfriend I totally had who lived in Vancouver, they do exist. All joking aside, there are real reasons but I'm not here to talk about that.

This is the kind of stuff going through my mind when I say I ain't gonna make it. The usual hellfire and fear of devils ready to punish you isn't what bothers me. We know that isn't even what happens anyway. For me, it's whether it is even worth trying now. We seek the life of the world to come but...is it worth what we gotta go through to be supposedly free from sin and whatnot? Believing and "knowing" things don't mean shit if you don't want to or can't bring yourself to do it. Even if you do, it can almost be arguably worse that doing nothing if you fuck it up enough. It doesn't matter how wrong or much it deviates or corrupts whatever you claim you're doing. The damage is already done and if you can't make it right, you better hope someone else can figure out how to fix the mess you've made."

So I have been thinking about this for the last couple of days. Listened to the song, with the words, again. And it’s deep. Songs like this touch that place inside of us where the anxiety and doubt live. “Bring Me To Life” by Evanescence does it for me.

I was trying to come up with something helpful and then I realized I had read something helpful recently by someone who has been doing this thing far longer than me — Steve Robinson. It’s a bit long but this part stuck with me:

“If any man be zealous and love God and become obsessed with the Church, and drove his priest nuts demanding to be let in NOW, if any have labored long in fasting and two hour prayer rules before you were even catechumens, and attended every service even with six kids from the first hour, then fell off the wagon at the third hour and went to the bar, then staggered to the job at the sixth hour but half-assed it and ended up taking a nap behind the J-John until the Ninth Hour, then decided to give it a go until the eleventh hour, then just gave up and threw in the towel and had the balls to ask for an advance on your paycheck just because you showed up again… the Lord, who is jealous of his honor, will accept it all, from the first flirtation, to the zealous pursuit, to the lapse in focus, to the falling asleep, to the half-assed attempt, to the well intentioned screw ups: He gives full recompense and rest unto all.” ~Staying Orthodox by Steve Robinson

The rest of the article is great too but this made me relax my shoulders from around my ears, unclench my jaw, and do a little wiggle of relaxation.

That being said, the below is ALL ME.

Let's face it...the OT is built on a foundation of war waged against Those Who Are Not Like Us, women-blaming, and literally the destruction and murder of other lands and people in the name of a war and thunder god of a relatively minor people group in Western Asia during a time when gods popped up like mushrooms after a rain.

The man Jesus called Christ (“the Anointed”) looked at that and said, “Nah, fam. We’re doing something different.” I believe he worked with what he had, the Torah and the Prophets and the Temple, and founded something entirely new because the character of the god in his parables is not that of a war-mongering, vengeful, jealous, bloodthirsty tyrant. The character of Christ’s god is the father of the prodigal son and the man who gets up out of his bed to give bread to his neighbor at midnight; the vaguely annoyed judge who gives in to the persistent old woman seeking justice and the rich man who forgives the debtor but serves justice when said debtor does not pay that forgiveness forward; the Samaritan who cares for the man beaten by thieves and the man with two sons.

And, as for hellfire and brimstone, well…Somewhere it says “absent from the body is present with the Lord” and “every knee shall bow”. To me this means that every being from Day One of all humanity's sentience/sapience, pre- and post-Resurrection, will stand before him, see that he/They are god and have the chance to acknowledge him/Them and be ushered in. (Interestingly enough, when Paul wrote that every knee would bow and every tongue praise God, he referenced Isaiah who used the word "swear" instead of "praise/confess" an change of phrase I find quite fascinating).

Because eternal conscious torment for all eternity based on a finite understanding and/or ignorance is neither just nor loving and that is not the character of the god described by Christ.

My chosen expression of worship has become more...eclectic...as time has moved on but I’ve chosen Christ (NOT Christianity; there is a difference and I am not a Christian regardless of the fact that I do my best to follow Christ) and when I want to be in a church I choose an Orthodox church with all of its rites and almost all of it's doctrines and dogmas. I know he/They are there. I am fairly certain he/They are also elsewhere because it says so in the Book, but as I am not familiar with other expressions, I am not going to go there. Literally and figuratively.

And then I run off and do my thing because I am not built for existential navel-gazing.

The upshot of this is as follows - either god is loving and just or they aren’t and their chosen physical expression of themselves was a lying liar or he was not.

Regardless, the prodigal son’s dad was pretty cool and this is where my brain went.

Relevant Reading
"Terrible Lie" by NIN
"Bring Me to Life"  by Evanescence
Staying Orthodox by Steve Robinson
Parable of the Prodigal Son
Parable of the Man in Bed
Parable of the Persistent Widow
Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
Parable of the Good Samaritan
2 Corinthians 5:1-8
Isaiah 45:23 and Romans 14:11 
The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 6

The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 6 - Spiritual but Not Religious?

Once upon a time I did not understand folks who said "I'm spiritual but not religious". I honestly thought it was a cop out of the highest order. Then there was a Pugilistic Pandemonium and tfog was POTUS and OH MY GOD never in my life have I seen so much anti-Christianity displayed, lauded, and praised by so many people claiming the Name. 

What do I mean? Well...There's the triumphalism, colonization, nationalism, and appropriation; the blatant white supremacy and racism; the greed; the misogyny and misogynoir; the patriarchy; the clericalism; the glorification of violence and the gun worship; the science denialism; the conspiracy theories; the disdain for the poor; the sheer unabashed and unchecked hatred of those who are not cisgendered or heterosexual; the leadership who are supposed to keep that shit in check NOT doing so and encouraging it even when they get members of their congregation calling them out for not doing so (#iykyk); and finally and especially the really, really bad theology used and abused to justify all of the above.

Like...duuuuude. 

Not cool. Not cool at all. 

So I'm pretty much just done with the Christian denominations I've had personal and intimate (see definition #4) experience with, ranging from (and in no particular order) Assemblies of God to Southern Baptist to Presbyterian to Methodist to Charismatic Evangelical Protestant to Eastern Orthodox - Antiochian to Eastern Orthodox - Greek. I've been some flavor of Christian all of my life, even when I thought I wasn't.

Wait...no. That is incorrect and incomplete. 

I am done with Christianity. Period. Done with it as a religion. Done with it as a way of life. Done with it as the arbiter of what I believe is good and right. Done with it. In the words Mahatma Gandhi supposedly said, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." And, yes, while Gandhi was problematic in his own right that doesn't make this statement any less defining of my current experience.

And no, my choice is not because I "wasn't worshipping the real God" or that I was "mistaking "men" for God" or any of the other gaslighting, abusive nonsense folks like to use on people who leave the church as if you will get brownie points for keeping folks from exercising their free will. I'm not that stupid and I honestly do not appreciate the assumption that I am. If you have gotten this far with me and think I am seriously that dumb what does that say abut you? Think about it while you go someplace else with that bullshit.

Moving forward. 

So where does that leave me? Are you kidding? There is a whole flipping 93 billion light year sized UNIVERSE out there! And that's just be bit we can see! Which means there is SO much more to see and experience out side of the box I put myself in out of unfounded fear (more on that later), trying to get a guy to like me, and in an attempt to please so many people who literally do not give a rat's fuzzy patootie about me. 

I think...I am spiritual...but not religious. Hm. Kewl. 

~stretches~ It's SO good to be out of this box. It's ADVENTURE TIME!

Relevant Reading

What the heck?

America's Non-religious are a growing, diverse phenomenon

Did he say it? 

The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 5

The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 5 - The Series Continues!

In a lot of ways the "apophatic way" is the only theology that makes sense. It also seems to be at the heart of the "deconstruction movement". This is nothing new, it is "The Way" of theology from the beginning...  

...Indeed, we have the Incarnation as the revelation of God, however the Incarnation itself is beyond understanding. God is ontologically unknowable to the human being, however economically God has "revealed Himself unto us" as we chant in Matins every morning. The issue is confusing economia with ontology which is a distinction unknown to many/most people who are finding out their concepts of God are inadequate, contradictory, oppressive, lacking, or no longer useful to their spiritual progress. 

~ Steve Robinson

What he said.

All of this is true (big words not withstanding). It is impossible to know if God exists or if They do not exist. "God is ontologically unknowable'" They cannot be proven or disproven using the scientific method.

And that is important. 

Frankly, trying to force my belief (or non-belief) to be scientifically provable is delusional on my part. As physicist Sabine Hossenfedler says, "If your belief conflicts with empirically confirmed knowledge, then you are not seeking meaning, you are delusional" (Existential Physics, xvii). And I agree. It makes no sense to try to force 14 billion years into 6,000. What's the point of that? It's stupid. And I am many things but stupid I ain't.

Justifiable critique of atheistic scholasticism aside, there is nothing wrong with being a human who believes in things that are not scientifically provable. Saying "I don't know" is not the unforgivable sin. The things I do not know, as my mom would say, would create a whole new universe.

Once upon a time I embarked on a journey to figure out what I believe. It began when I was in high school, progressed through university, marriage, divorce, motherhood, a new degree, no money, less money, more money...Just...life. Life teaches. Life either hardens or softens and I know I have both hard and soft places in me. I have no idea if God is hardening those places in me or not, a la Pharaoh and everyone else They decided to harden for <reasons>.

I have learned, though, that I won't sacrifice my brain to a system that tells me I can't ask questions, that I ask the wrong questions or that can't stand up to being questioned and sadly, a lot of American Christianity demands this sort of unquestioning, lockstep blindness to reality. And it literally does not matter what flavor of American Christianity it is -- United States ev-Protestantism is the loudest culprit but United States Orthodoxy and United States Catholicism are there with it (yes, I know that's a generalization). I can't with that. (I do not about Judaism or Islam or <insert belief system/religion I do not know about here> and not knowing I cannot say.)

So I guess we have that settled. What I believe/know must be able to be questioned. If questions are not allowed then said system is straight out into the nearest dumpster. 

Someone might ask...Am I trying to bend Christianity into something else? My response can be best characterized by the following:

Kombucha Girl

I have the feeling that I may have to begin to look outside traditional religious expression here in the United States. And that's not a bad thing, IMO.

Relevant Reading
Closer To Truth ep1103: Why Believe in God? - approx 20 min

Existential Physics, Sabine Hossenfelder - 

How Does the Bible teach 6000 years? - Citation =/= belief

Kombucha Girl

The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 4

The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 4

 Creation is far too magnificent.

"What doesn't make sense to me is the idea that beauty has to be intentional. Some of the most beautiful things are random and unplanned. But the idea that it could be random or unintentional yet still exists makes it even more beautiful, tbh."

@Rynnstar

All of that. 

The observable universe is a sphere 

NINETY THREE BILLION LIGHT YEARS!!

in diameter.

Think about that. Yes. I can imagine a god who might be able to create that but can I also assign that god qualities that make them a micro-manager of my personal life? So much so that that god would give a flying fart (supernova? hypernova?) about what some random mass of protoplasm that exists less on average than a subjective century might choose to do on any given rotation as the rock it clings to based on gravity revolves around a rather average star? SO much that not only do They maintain this stupendously humongous personally designed mechanism we call the universe they also created a place where I and others must be eternally consciously punished for any minor infraction of rules handed to a single rather minor group of protoplasmic entities (and no others) on the western edge of a continent on that one tiny rock circling that one rather average star?

Maybe? I dunno. I'm having a very hard time of that, though. 

Relevant Reading

Rynnstar's TikTok

Ned Wright's Cosmology FAQ

Minute Physics: How Big is the Universe? (less than 5 minutes)

James Webb Space Telescope

The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 3

The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 3

"The Abrahamic religions were originally formed upon a martial, violent god with a perceptively nasty streak and a tendency towards promoting genocide. There have been developments since and finer impulses have emerged but that nasty god is still there, hovering around like a perplexing bad sore...It's absurd to build a religion on a supernatural thug."

~ Stanley Wilkin, University of London

He's not wrong. Have you read the OT from which all of the Abrahamic faiths branch? I am of the opinion that there is something inherently patriarchal, misogynist, and bigoted rooted deeply within the faith begun by Abraham and his descendants. And the fact that it has been co-opted by ⚪ supremacists is nothing less than to be expected because the NT is built on a foundation of woman-blaming, war waged against Those Who Are Not Like Us, and literally the destruction and murder of other lands and people in the name of a thunder god of a relatively minor people group in Western Asia during a time when gods popped up like mushrooms after a rain. 

I said what I said.

When I began this trip 35-40 years ago to understand what I believed I had no idea what I was even looking for. Folks on the inside said that being a believer would lead me to salvation and joy unimagined. 

Not one of them mentioned the gaslighting...

the victim blaming...

          the requirement that I be happy all the damn time (that's mostly ev-Prot; Orthodox want you to be miserable about your sins all the time, which is just plain confusing)...

                    the triumphalism... 

                                 or the holier than thou attitudes that often accompany those who believe that, in spite of the fact that literally millions of people lived and died prior to and after the advent of their particular belief system, they are the ones destined for eternal life because they believe...

...those millions of other folks by the way are being eternally, consciously tortured for being born someplace outside of said thunder god's range...

And that last part is something I cannot wrap my brain around. Because, if you are all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving why do you go around creating folks only to torture them eternally for the crime of being born before you offered a Get Out of Jail Free Card in the form of human sacrifice or for not hearing about said Get out of Jail Free Card before you died? That strikes me as abusive as fuck.

And I know I am not the only one to ask these questions. Nor am I the only one to be told I'm not allowed to ask them because "why are you questioning the Lord!" 

But those questions never actually went away. They just got suppressed. 

Relevant Reading 

Thread on Research Gate dated 6 Feb 2018

The Abrahamic Faiths

The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 2

Confluence

Things are changing. And when things change there is always backlash from those who would like nothing better than to maintain the status quo. It doesn't matter why they want to maintain it but the main reason I believe is fear. 

Fear that they will no longer be in charge.

Fear of the "other".

Fear of the unknown.

Or just plain cowardice. 

Whatever it is however produces a visceral response that flails about with whatever tool or weapon to hand screaming, NO!! NO CHANGE! NEVER!! Sometimes those weapons are literal weapons. Sometimes words. 

Sometimes laws and policies enacted by politicians so corroded with injustice they don't even know what side they're on because they can't see their own hypocrisy.

And that fear butts against the tide of those demanding justice and change and it produces conflict. 

Upheaval. 

Confluence.

In geography, a confluence occurs where two or more flowing bodies of water join to form a single channel. A confluence can occur in several configurations: at the point where a tributary joins a larger river (main stem); or where two streams meet to become the source of a river of a new name (such as the confluence of the Monongahela and Allegheny rivers at Pittsburgh, forming the Ohio); or where two separated channels of a river (forming a river island) rejoin at the downstream end. ~ Wikipedia

Confluence of the Bhagirathi and Alaknanda Rivers to produce the Ganges at Devprayag, India. 

At the point of confluence you get two powerhouses crashing together to the point where one might think the waters will not mix. The surface of the rivers can literally run parallel for a while with one river color refusing to merge with the other. 

Beneath the surface though, things are riled up. Things long buried are stirred from the muck. the currents swirl and the light becomes murky and dim. As the riverbed becomes slightly shallower, the conflict underneath shows on top with swirls and waves and whitecaps. River ships must be very careful in these places because debris from the bottom rise and sink, rise and sink; currents change as the silt and sand slide and shift creating eddies and lulls and unexpected shoves. 

It's a maelstrom. 

But eventually the rivers do merge. The currents calm and the river flows on more peacefully, becoming wider, becoming deeper. Becoming something new.

And we who survive the confluence we will give that river a new name.

Relevant Reading

Wikipedia Entry

Photograph by Mark A. Wilson

The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 2

 The Chief of Sinners.

And I said this parable, "Two men sat down at their computers to post on social media, one a Remnant Christian and the other a Deconstructing Believer. The Remnant Christian posted thus to his followers and "liked" his own post: "God, I thank you that I have found the Exact Exposition of the True Faith and I am not like other men, heretics, ecumenists, modernists. I obey The Rudder, I follow the True Calendar, I reject the Ecumenical Patriarch, I'm prepping for the End Times, I say a 300 knot Prayer Rope every day. Don't audit me, but I might give tithes of all that I get. I am the chief of sinners, Lord have mercy."

But the Deconstructor, because he was no longer accepted by the Remnant Exact Expositors, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, nor condemn anyone else, but beat his breast, saying, 'God, I'm no longer sure of You, nor myself, nor my faith, nor the Church, nor it's leadership, nor where this is all going, I'm trying to stick close to you even if I don't know where You are, oh, and I gave the spare change in my cup-holder to the guy on the freeway on-ramp... but if I die before I work all this out, be merciful to me a sinner!'

I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who piously humbles himself before men will be truly humbled, but he who truly humbles himself before God will be exalted." ~ Steve Robinson

Relevant Reading

Pithless Thoughts II: Postscripts on Life

Steve the Builder

Parable of the Publican & Pharisee

The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 1

The dEǝЯDeRe-Construction of Me, Part 1

The deconstruction of your faith is HARD. The reconstruction of your faith is HARD.

Both are work and both require thoughtful, considered, as well as emotional contemplation. Otherwise you go off half-cocked and lose yourself in the impulsivity of the moment. Leaving a place, an ideology, a belief you have ardently held because you are hurting or have been hurt or see hurt happening is painful and traumatic. Trauma requires a retreat to a safe place so that healing can take place.

Trauma requires a retreat to a safe place so that healing can take place.

Sometimes that takes a very long time.

It may take forever. It may take a couple days and a martini. Depends on the person.

Regardless, it is A Very Hard Thing.

St John of the Cross didn't call it a Long Dark Night of the Soul for nothing.

It is painful. There are stages of grief one goes through. And however many there are (5/4/12/952) they tend to fall into the same patterns:

• Denial. Dissociation. "I only want life to be as it was"
• Acceptance of the facts, but refusal / denial of the need to (re-)plan. 
• Bewilderment. 
• Anger. 
• Scapegoating. 
• Bargaining. 
• Despair/Depression
• Bewilderment (again)
• Acceptance. 
• Reconstruction -- A missing stage 

One of the biggest issues to improve on, in the 5 stage model, may be around being constructive. The 5th stage is "Acceptance", but a lot of people get stuck in a kind of Acceptance that is little different from Despair – so that accepting the fact has not led to reconstructing a worthwhile life..."Acceptance" sounds completely passive, yet reconstruction must be active. So there seem to be two quite different final stages: (1) passive acceptance, which is perhaps little different to Despair or Bewilderment; and (2) active acceptance which means moving into a new re-planned way of living, which requires the person to be active and creative: "Reconstructed". This isn't just about stages of reaction to grief, but also to other kinds of changed circumstances. ~ Draper, 2021

Acceptance, as the blurb above states, is rather passive. I "accept" that X has been painful and that I need to recover from it. But then what? What do I DO? 

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start with faith. In general and in specific to me. I think that is a good place to begin.

Faith is such a personal thing. For most folks it is deeply held and when that faith is violated either by humans or by circumstance (or both) it strikes at your heart and soul. You break and you hurt and are angry and ride what I call the emotional spiral up and down. And while you ride it you sometimes break it apart and examine why you ever thought this was the way to eternal life in the first place. 

Please recall that I can only speak to faith as a Christian, an Eastern Orthodox convert from charismatic evangelical Protestantism. I have no idea if someone from another faith goes through this but I believe it is probably a very human thing to do. But for me, as a Christian, the last decade(give or take) has taken a toll. I have seen folks who claim the Name say, do, and cosign some disgusting stuff all in the name of <insert cause directly orthogonal to the teachings they say they believe in>. If you have not been under a rock you know what I am describing. After a while, I just gave up. And honestly the Great Prestigious Pineapple of 2020 was a godsend because seriously I could just STOP with the uncomfortable "faith -proving" things I felt like I had to do and THINK about why I was doing them in the first place.

The questions and thoughts were...disturbing.

Does faith matter? Does it change people for the better? If so, then why are there some really decent atheists? Is it all about getting stuff from the Great Vending Machine in the Sky? Why is it in the sky? Why are people such assholes? Do they even believe this? If they do why are they being so hateful? Why am I being so hateful? What is the point anyway? Is eternal life even a thing? Does it matter? Salvation from what exactly? Is there a God? Is the God I know about the right one? If God exists, why are They such douchebags? Like, Jesus was chill and all but His Dad has major jealousy and anger issues. And so do His followers, really, and that book (pick a version) and institutions they came up after He took off for parts unknown are seriously in need of some executive reworking. And what about science and the things we have learned? Do not get me started on quantum physics, string theory, and the expansion of spacetime. No one took those things into account when my faith tradition was formed. Heck no one KNEW about those things when my faith tradition was formed!!! Church folks even today outright fight against SCIENCE and it's 2022 and they are still burning books about things they don't like and calling it "Christian". What the everlovin' fuck, man????

(By the way...if you plan to say something like "Well church is about God and if you were truly a Christian what other people do wouldn't matter blah blah blah." Just don't okay? That is not helpful. It's patronizing and condescending. Yes, people can be dumpster fires and do some icky things in the Name of Jesus, but they don't have to. They could decide to NOT be a dumpster fire. So don't try to say it's MY fault when I hear blatantly racist crap coming out of people's mouths (or posted on their Fb walls) and believe those people should be taken to task by those in charge. AND that those in charge should not be the ones I have issues with in the first place. Thanks just all to pieces)

But I digress...

When I started actually thinking about what I was thinking about I was broken. Like "Man oh man, some of this stuff is just plain TOXIC as all hell," I started reading and doing some research (always dangerous) and noticed that what I was experiencing (within my faith tradition) was not all that uncommon. I was just floored.

It had a name.

It's deconstruction. And I have always liked taking things apart.

It's taking what I know and believe to be true apart and looking at it again. Closely. And with different, less, rosy eyes. When I started this journey, this Christian journey, I wanted to believe. I wanted to have that faith like a mustard seed that could move mountains...I wanted to be worthy of it. I never did. I am however, stubborn and I stuck to it even when I saw its feet of clay. 

I used to love the story of the man in Mark chapter 9 with the child who had seizures. He brought his child to the Lord's disciples for a cure and they were unable to cure the child. Christ, who had gone to pray, came back and they told Him what happened. He told them, "Bring me to being the child and his father." When they got to him, Christ said to the father, "Do you want him healed?" And the father said, "Yes! Please! If you are able!" And Jesus said to him, “If you are able! —All things can be done for the one who believes.” The father of the child says, “I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:14-24)

I used to identify with that man. I wanted help with my unbelief. But...why do I have to believe first? Like, why is belief necessary? If this thing is true it should be true whether or not I believe it. The sun burns whether or not I believe it burns. Vaccines work. The Earth is warming. The galaxy has a black hole at it's center. And I don't have to "believe" those things.  My belief should not matter. Besides, if didn't believe I wouldn't be here in the first place. If my belief is what makes me worthy then I've been there, done that and bought a dresser drawer full of t-shirts.

It's time for that faith to prove itself worthy of me. 

Relevant Reading

5/4/12 Stages/Steps of Grief/Addiction/Accepting New Ideas, Steven Draper

Orthogonal

The Dark Night of the Soul, St John of the Cross

Mark 9:14-29

Deconstruction Self Care

Celebrate With Me!

won't you celebrate with me

what i have shaped into

a kind of life? 

i had no model.

born in babylon

both nonwhite and woman

what did i see to be except myself?

i made it up

here on this bridge between

starshine and clay,

my one hand holding tight

my other hand; come celebrate

with me that everyday

something has tried to kill me

and has failed.

"And. Has. Failed." 

That's the important part. 

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner, but not a failure. 

Relevant Reading

Lucille Clifton

Poems by Lucille Clifton

I Iz Vewwy Scawwy Pony

What is up, buttercups? It's been a couple years. Buuuut, in my defense, there's been fascists and nahtzee yt supremacists, insurrectionists, and a straight up panini-press* so I've been kind of busy. 

I've been doing some thinking lately. Wait, back up...I did something completely UNthinkingly that forced me to think. After, of course, I got over the sheer rage that was caused by what I had done by my own free will to myself.

....pardon me while I digress a bit, my brain is wonky from staring at too many Jira tickets....

Isn't it amazing how that works? That I can do something by choice and under no obligation or duress that makes me fly into a rage inside my own head? Like there is no one here to blame but myself for this. I worry about me sometimes...

Anyway...where was I? Oh yes...I did something to myself that made me think about how people are. So if you know me or have read my blog you know my story so I'm not going to re-hash all that. It's over out and done with and even though there are still some splinters that pop up now and then because that's the nature of the beast we call a brain.

Even if you decide to inflict said splinter on yourself. 

Moving forward.

I am a villain. The Bad Guy wearing the Black Hat and twirling my mustache, come to rain misery and despair over the blameless denizens of the land who are just trying to live their lives. I bathe in the blood of innocent kittens. I eat puppies. I am just this side of evil incarnate. I am consciously manipulative. I am a liar and a ringleader of flying liars bent on spreading lies. 

I am a hypocrite. 

I AM A MONSTER

HA! I wish I could pull all that off. But yeah, I'm the bad guy.

And, after some initial anger (read as RAGE, and cruel thoughts, and disbelief, and a whole heckuvalotta "HOW DARE YOU"s) you know what? I accepted it. I'm the Bad Guy in that story. I made decisions that affected the story of that person's life in ways they didn't like. It doesn't matter WHY I did it, what those decisions were in response to. In that person's story, I am the Bad Guy complete with  Black Hat ™. Possibly even an eye patch. I quite like the eye patch.

We are all The Bad Guy in someone's story, though. We craft for ourselves a reality centered on ourselves based on of the way we see the things we live through from day-to-day, moment-to-moment. Their memories are not mine. Their feelings are not mine. Their perspective is not mine. My perspective is not theirs. And they are no more "wrong" in their perception than I am in mine because frankly I cannot change how I am seen from someone else's point of view. In someone else's memory of an event.

And that is.

It.

Just.

Is.

Elsewhere I wrote:

This story is going to be different from whichever perspective you choose to look at it. Only by seeing all sides of a story can the truth ever be understood. This is the truth I lived with. I don't coat it with honey for anyone, least of all myself. Having more of it inflicted on me is nothing I am willing to bear any longer.

My journey is not about vengeance nor is it about seeking retribution. My journey is about me working out my salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). So look to your own salvation and I'll see to mine.

In one of my favorite books, Vigilant by James Alan Gardner, there is an organization that is dedicated to seeking out corruption in the government. Their motto is LIVE IN THE REAL AND NAME THE LIES. I aspire, however waveringly, however faultily, to live by it. I need to embroider it on a pillow.

Live in the Real - I am the Good Guy in my story. I may be the Bad Guy in the stories of those I touch.

Name the Lies - I am ALWAYS the Good Guy (or at least neutral) in the stories of those I touch.

Name the Lies - I need to change myself so that I show up as the Good Guy at all times in everyone's story.

Live in the Real - My actions are not always Divine, Generous, and Heroic. My actions are not always Demonic, Self-serving and Evil. And neither are anyone else's. 

Remember : This story is going to be different from whichever perspective you choose to look at it. 

We have all sinned. We have all played a the bad guy's role in someone's story. We have all hurt and been hurt. We have all treated each other, and ourselves, as things. And that, according to Granny Weatherwax, is where sin begins, when you treat people as things.

"In this life, many things happen in which we play a shameful part. Those of us who are strong forgive ourselves and go om. The weak wallow in they shame and allow it to devour them. There is no one of us who is without sin, child. There ought to be some comfort in that." ~ The Duchess, Through a Glass Darkly

Weirdly, it is kind of freeing to realize I am not always the Good Guy. It is equally freeing to realize I am not always the Bad Guy. 

Both truths exist. They are BOTH true.

They are both/and.

Both. And.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading 

We are all villains in someone else's story

You Will Always be a Villain in Someone Else's Story

Vigilant

Through A Glass Darkly

Romans 3:10-26

More of Granny Weatherwax's Wisdom

*Panini Press and any other multisylabbic word beginning with the letter "P" has been used to refer to the SARS-COV2/COVID-19 pandemic that has afflicted the world and caused several million yt folks to lose their cot-danged minds but that is a soap box for elsewhere

Can we extend forgiveness to black men?

I've been thinking about this a lot since reading about all these folks wanting to drag Michael Vick (again). I saw the articles about the petition and was like, "Didn't he go to jail for that already? What's this about?" I'm no huge football fan or anything but certain things stick out, you know?

So I totally get the disgust. Vick raised dogs to fight and encouraged others to do the same by running a dog fighting ring. That's horrible.

That was kind of a big deal. TWELVE YEARS AGO. In TWO THOUSAND AND SEVEN.

I just don't understand!

And it's not like he, oh I dunno...walked into a man's own home and blew him away or anything.

Yet for some reason the latter is granted forgiveness (and a hug, no less) before the former. Even though Vick has served time, done multiple speaking tours about the evils of dog fighting, and donated money to every animal charity under the sun. And, frankly, even though I love me some dogs and think dog fighting is horrific, I kind of think the latter is WAY worse than the former. Just my humble yet accurate opinion.

But certain folk will jump all over a bandwagon to forgive, or at least give a pass to, certain people for just about anything while at the same time holding certain others hostage to their past foibles. Never mind that they have paid for their crime, were very young, didn't know what they were doing, blah blah blah.

Now don't get me wrong. I do actually know the reason why. It's the same thing that causes folk, after a black person has been shot or assaulted by a white policeman or had the cops called on them for living theor lives, to say things like:

• what were they doing to make them shoot/call the police
• why didn't they just do as they were told/not do that
• why were they wearing that/living their life
• why were they black in a public space

It's maddening.

As the article says, no one is owed forgiveness. That is not a thing. It's the partiality I question. The blatant favoritism. Good Lord don't black men deserve the same consideration of others to rectify the situation, pay their dues, and go on? I'm not sure, but I think St. Paul said something about that and in the words of the article,

"So think of forgiveness this way-you’re able to do it with your uncle that says homophobic and racist things every Thanksgiving. You’re able to do it with the boyfriend who holds your head under the sheets and farts. You’re able to do it when a girl buries a baby alive or a woman comes into the home of a man and shoots him dead. Figure out what internally is causing you to hold back on allowing Black men to grow from their mistakes, not be caught up in their past, and live their lives."

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

#bloginstead #3daysinthewilds

Relevant Reading
It’s Time We Talk About America’s Inability To Forgive Black Men
2 Corinthians 2:5-11
Michael Vick Petition
Bad Newz Kennels dog fighting investigation

Sing Soft Kitty To Me

I don't feel so good.

GERMS SUCK.

Runny noses SUCK. Stuffy noses SUCK. One nostril stuffy while other nostril flows like the freakin' Colorado River SUCKS. Coughing up a lung and waking up in the middle of the night SUCKS (although actually "coughing up a lung" is a thing and can be fatal, don't do it). Sore throats SUCK.

Hm. I sense a pattern of STRAIGHT UP SUCKERY.

Where's my tissue?

#bloginstead #3daysinthewilds

Relevant Reading
Soft Kitty

Day the First of #bloginstead

"Who's got a blog and wants to try an experiment with me?
Here's what I have in mind. Round up as many people with blogs as I can, and have us all follow each other's blogs. Then, for 3 days, we communicate via our blogs INSTEAD of social media. We post on our blogs the way we'd post here - informal, chatty, what's up at the moment, stream of consciousness, whatever it is that constitutes a conversation for you at the time. Everyone in the group reads everyone in the group, and we visit by commenting on posts. Anyone who doesn't have a blog but wants to join in commenting is very welcome. After 3 days, we decide what, if anything, we've discovered."
~ Melinda Johnson

So I decided to participate in a thing. Look at me. Joining.

I have a lot of opinions and thoughts about things, but for a while now I've just let them fly from the id. To quote Nomad (let the reader understand), "That unit is defective. It's thinking is chaotic. Absorbing it unsettled me...A mass of conflicting impulses." I'm thinking and feeling so many things at once sometimes that it is hard to put them into any kind of order so EVERYTHING becomes stream of consciousness.

It's unsettling.

Do not like.

So I'm going to do that here for the next three days (see date stamp).

For anyone following me for this, beware. I can get rather...salty. And prolific.

#bloginstead #3daysinthewilds

Relevant Reading 
Id (Britannica article)
Nomad on Women
List of Bloggers to Follow

I See Willfully Ignorant People

Once upon a time, the world was very small. People could claim things about other people that were not true and folks were less likely to check to see that these things were true because it was too much effort or something to read a book and too scary to meet people who were different from them. Things like:

• All Black people riot© and are violent and stupid
• All "American Indians" are drunks
• All Muslims are inherently evil
• All Africans are poor and starving
• All Asian women are demure, delicate flowers and like being ordered around
• All Asian men are mathematical geniuses
• All Black women are loud, angry, welfare hoes
• All Black men are gang-bangers
• All Mexicans are drug dealers
• All people who speak Spanish are Mexican
• All British people are stiff, polite, and upstanding
• All Scientists are lying about their research to get more money
• All Teachers get a three month paid vacation
• Etc, etc, etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseam

Now, however, we have the ability to learn otherwise. We have this thing called the internet and we have Google and we have televisions and we still have books but now we have books that are narrated to you.

It's amazing the sheer number of ways and means we have the ability to get accurate information from...

And yet don't.

It's very sad. It's not supposed to be this way.

"When the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, and one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. “Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” He said to him, “’You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

Please note the Commandment includes using your mind and is, in Christ's own words, "the greatest and first commandment."

Use your brain. Or as my mother would say, "Use your head for something besides a hat-rack."

It's a commandment from the Lord.

Thanks just all to pieces.

Relevant Reading
Matthew 22:34-46

Lessons from Deep Space

I love Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Absolutely love it. For me, DS9 was the best of the Star Trek franchise in terms of acting, writing, and just telling a story. It gripped me time and again with every episode, even the silly ones. But one thing stayed with me even now, 25 years on, and that was the very first episode, Emissary. In it, the new commander of The Space Station Formerly Known as Terok Nor, Sisko, first encounters the wormhole aliens--entities that exist inside a stable wormhole that links the Alpha and Delta Quadrants of the Milky way.

The wormhole entities exist in a timeless state and do not uderstand corporeal beings who live “in time” so Sisko, in tried and true “seek out new life” manner, tries to explain it to them. However, the wormhole aliens, who are accessing his personal memories so they can interact with him by taking the form of people he knows -- his son, Jake, his wife, Jennifer, Captain Jean-Luc Picard-- can’t grasp the idea that humans (and other corporeal beings) live in a linear timeline because Sisko keeps returning to the scene of his wife’s death at the Battle of Wolf 359. He tries again and again but keeps returning in his memories to where he lost his wife. Accordingly, the  entities ask him, “Well if that is true, that you do live linearly, why do you exist in this place? At this time? In this moment?”

And that is when Sisko realizes that he does live, move, and have his being in that place, that time, that moment. Everything he does, every choice he makes arises from that time when he was so profoundly traumatised. He can't leave it. No, he won't leave it. He chooses to remain in that space with those fires and those alarms, and the horror of watching his wife die and being able to do nothing about it.

Understanding dawns and he realizes he is choosing to exist in that place. He is choosing to exist in that place. He is choosing to exist in that place.

It is not linear.

It is not growth.

It is his choice.

Spoiler alert: At the end of the episode, Sisko is beginning to make different choices. He begins to choose to live in a different place. The trauma is still there. The grief is not gone but he no longer chooses to exist, to live, move, and have his being in that place. He begins to heal.

I think we all have those places in ourselves. Individually and corporately. We get profoundly hurt and the trauma is real. It's Ground Zero. Our life looks like Mt. St. Helens blew up and took the very earth from beneath our feet, destroying and ruining the entire landscape of our being.

Borrowed from Del Tackett via Google Images

My Mt. St. Helens blew in my living room about a month ago, 2007. And I lived in that devastation there for YEARS. It was comfortable there, with all that nice sticky mud around me, conforming to my emotions but there was always something (someONE) telling me this is not how you are supposed to live. There isn't supposed to be ash and rubble everywhere ALL the time. The still pools of your spirit aren't supposed to be choked with regret, the rivers of your soul should flow, not continue to stagnate with death and destruction.

I had to choose to do the work that is necessary to NOT exist there.

It was hard work. It involved facing what I did, did not do, was not able to do as well as what was done to me.

It involved forgiveness of others and of myself.

It involved letting it go and letting it be.

It involved recognizing that the only person keeping me in that place, that time, that moment...Is me.

It's not easy to recognize that you are choosing to live in a place of destruction if you've lived there a long time. Humanity is successful because humanity is adaptable. We can adjust to live in just about any environment, including a toxic one of our own making. Defenses are erected, lookouts are posted for any sign of offense, real or imagined, and we settle into our bunker, our muddy foxhole and decide this is how it should be and damn the person who says, "Would you like me to help you move these dead trees and clear out this mud?"

It becomes the place where we exist. Where we live move and have our being. We like our dead trees and mud.

Letting go of that is one of the hardest things I ever did but the first step, saying to myself, "No I do not want to live here. I want to live a linear life. I want to move" was the best one. I revisit these places but on a vertical spiral. The spiral goes up--because I choose for it to go up. When I see the broken places from a higher place, I can see where I need to ask for help to fix them: that river is choked with mud, these busted trees are piled too high for light to shine on the saplings. And then the river flows and the trees grow and I go up again. When I see that space again I see something else that needs adjusting so that light can shine and water can move.

But it has to be a choice I make. No one can do it for me.

Relevant Reading
ST: DS9 - Emissary
ST: DS9 - Time is Linear, Pt2 (Youtube video)
You Choose to Exist Here: Reliving Deep Space Nine
Acts 17:26-28
How the Truth Sets You Free

Edited to add: I think the entire country is living in a place of trauma. I won't speculate on when the trauma occurred but what is happening now is a symptom of so many years of ignoring a huge festering wound where, whether we recognize it or not, we still collectively, exist--live, move, and have our being.

We need to move, collectively, to a better space or else nothing we do will change. We need to choose to not exist as a traumatized people.

Let It Be

When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be

And in my hour of darkness She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be...

(Beatles, Let It Be)

I read an article recently that spoke much to me about some of the "knots" I've been asking the Theotokos to untie for me.  Basically, let it be.

NOT "let it go". There is a difference. My life is not a Disney movie. I am no princess. Queen, maybe...but I digress.

Let it be. Let it be truth and joy and wisdom that I portray. Let it be mercy and grace. Exist in the way I know that God has told me to exist and things will be, in spite of me.

"Remember then from what you have fallen;
repent, and do the works you did at first."
~ Revelation 2:5 

"Remember God. Say your prayers. Go to church.

Forgive your brother. Obey the commandments."

~ Fr Thomas Hopko 

Why is this so freakin' hard?

Because I am a sinner. May God have mercy on me.

Relevant Reading
Revelation 2:2-7
"55 Maxims of the Christian Life" ~ Fr Thomas Hopko
How Do We Live in This World
Do All the Things

An Untied Knot in My Heart

The Theotokos Undoer of Knots

Virgin mother, Mary, you untie the knots, with the grace and power of your intercession, take my supplications to your Son Jesus, my God, my Savior and my only Lord, and dissolve and unleash the knot that makes me suffer so much. I hope and trust you, sweet and generous mother. Holy Theotokos, please untie my knots, keep me, guide me, protect me, be my refuge, enlighten me, give me strength  and grant me with immense faith I ask you. 

I asked the Theotokos for a knot to be untied. She spoke to me in a way I could understand and led me to a shoulder who will understand my need and teach me to pray for it.

Thank you Holy Mother.

Pray to God for me, a sinner.

Do All The Things

I've become angry. It has been a long time since that happened although not so long ago that I don't recall it. It took me a long time to get over being angry last time and in some ways I am still working on that. To paraphrase Abba Ammonas, "I have spent MANY years...asking God night and day to grant me the victory over anger." Okay maybe not night and day. I mean, to be perfectly honest, there were some days when it felt pretty damn sweet to rage like a hurricane. But those days became more and more rare as time went by. Confession and prayer for one's enemies is good for the soul, and trust me when I say that neither of those things are easy or fun. After a while though I felt like I had gotten a handle on things, praise God, and was moving right along. I will admit I rested on my laurels for a while. It was just so good to not be angry. Anger takes a lot of energy

Then 2016 happened.

Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt.

WTVeryF is happening in this world? We have this election cycle going on. Shenanigans from both left and right. Donald effing Trump. Hillary effing Clinton. Trigger happy cops killing folk like they're playing some kind of game. People rioting and marching. Racists and bigots crawling out from under the rocks they had been cowering under for the past few years. Racism rearing it's ungly head all over the damned place. Rapists being allowed to go free. Judges picking rapists over their victims and remaining on the bench...It's gotten freakin' insane in the US.

It seems like everytime I go online or turn on the news I'm seeing this insanity. And it's pissing. Me. Off. I can actually feel my blood pressure going up some days.

Photo shamelessly lifted from The Sun, Please don't sue me

So I try to limit my information consumption and I still get the info slapping me upside the head which starts the spiral all over again. It's exactly like being caught in a whirlpool. See that boat? that boat is me. That place where those buildings are? That's what I THOUGHT was safety.

Someone once told me that most of the time anger is a secondary emotion. Sometimes it is legitimately in response to an injustice done and a need to protect and it is a primary emotion. But most of the time anger is the manifestation of an stronger underlying basic emotion: Fear.

Which is why I recognize this manifestation as being based in fear.

I fear for my son. I fear for myself. I fear for this country.

I don't want to be afraid. In fact I am commanded not to be afraid over 80 times in Scripture (yes, yes I know there are supposed to be over 300 mentions but there are not but whatever). But it's kind of hard when you think about all the things that are out there. Gunning for you. Gunning for your kid. And I use the word "gunning" very deliberately here.

I guess I need to "repent and do the things [I] did before". It seems to be a theme with me at this time.

Do all the things. Do ALL the things. DO. ALL. THE. THINGS!

What are the things?

Fr. Thomas Hopko laid it out very succinctly in a formula that is pretty hard to get wrong:

Remember God. 
Say my prayers. 
Go to church. 
Forgive my brother. 
Obey the commandments.

Okey dokey.

Why does that seem so hard right now? I really need an easier formula please. ~sigh~  This is why I'll never be a saint. I suck at all of these things. Like a Dyson. I'm working on it but I am pretty sure my angel has a permanent facepalm. I really want God to look at me and say "Well done."

Somehow I do not think my fearful anger is well pleasing to Him. I'm going back to the basics though. Maybe they will help now as they did before.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
The Sayings of the Desert Fathers, p153-155, Sr Benedicta Ward
The Hardest Part
This is Why I'll Never Be an Adult