Troy Polamalu, Pittsburgh Steeler Safety

What's the most important thing you've learned from [Abbot Ephraim] so far?
That you cannot have an experience of God without humility.
Pittsburgh Steeler Troy Polamalu to interviewer, Pittsburgh Magazine

Seems to be a recent theme I'm on lately. Humility.

Relevant Reading
The Experience of Prayer

Some Days...

...It just ain't the trouble of gnawing through the straps. I can only believe things will improve because if they don't I will definitely need some professional help. Oh. Wait. I have professional help already.

Then as St John of the Ladder said, I need to remember not to despair.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Developing Dispassion

My friend Maria commented: "Might the perceived apathy actually be developing dispassion?"

"By dispassion I mean a heaven of the mind within the heart, whcih regards the artifice of demons as a contemptible joke. A man is truly dispassionate--and is known to be such--when he has cleansed his flesh of all corruption; when he has lifted his mind above everything created, and has made it master of all the senses; when he keeps his soul continually in the presence of the Lord and reaches out beyond the borderline of strength to Him. And there are some who would claim that dispassion is resurrection of the soul prior to that of the body, while others would insist that it is a perfect knowledge of God, a knowledge second only to that of the angels."
The Ladder of Divine Ascent, p282, St John Climacus

Oh if only!!

God knows I wish that were the case. Perhaps the things that tug at me wouldn't. Maybe I could rid myself of some of these besetting sins I have (and man do I ever have a few). But I know I fall far, far short of this.

Instead I am turning to God. Trusting in Him that He has a plan for me, a future and a hope, in spite of all my failings and lack. St John Climacus said to despair is to commit suicide but called repentance "the daughter of hope and the renunciation of despair". So I constantly turn back to Him and ask for His mercy and His grace, crying, "Lord have mercy on me a sinner!"

Meanwhile I just hope this weird feeling will metamorphose into something godly. Or at least useful. Honestly, not lamenting over this that and the other decision/thought/statement/gesture/etc is really restful. I don't think I've felt this kind of peace in quite some time. The constant self-questioning and the ongoing dialogue in my head are just not there anymore. Sometimes I wonder about that and then...I'm done with it.

Detachment is something I've been trying to learn for a very long time. According to a book I once read,

"Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to and totally inaffected by people and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others; a severing of our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern, although sometimes these ways of detaching might be the best we can do, for the moment…Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people’s responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom…"
Codependent No More, p62

Maybe...just maybe...I've figured out how that is supposed to work in my life.

Relevant Links
Jeremiah 29:11-13
The Ladder of Divine Ascent
CoDependent No More

Fast of the Dormition of the Theotokos

Today begins the Fast of the Dormition of the Theotokos which leads to the Feast of the Dormition on 15 August which celebrates the falling asleep of Mary, the Mother of Our Lord.

The Feast of the Dormition or Falling Asleep of the Theotokos commemorates the death, resurrection, and glorification of Christ's mother. To help us in our preparation of the feast, it is preceded by a two week fast. As with the Nativity of the Virgin (September 8/21) and the feast of her Entrance to the Temple (November 21/December 4), the Feast of the Dormition also comes from the Tradition of the Church.

There we learn that Mary died as all people die because she had a mortal human nature affected by the corruption of this world. The Church proclaims that Mary needed to be saved by Christ just as all of us are saved from trials, sufferings, and death of this world. Having truly died, she was raised by her Son as the "Mother of Life" and already participates in the eternal life of paradise which is prepared and promised to all who "hear the word of God and keep it." (Luke 11:27-28) Finally, we celebrate the fact that what happens to Mary happens to all who imitate her holy life of humility, obedience and love.

It is important to remember that there are no relics of the Theotokos. Their existence has never been mentioned throughout history. At one time in Constantinople there was a center of pilgrimage where the belt and veil of the Virgin were venerated.
Adapted from The Orthodox Church, Volume II: Worship, by Fr. Thomas Hopko.

In the icon of this Feast, the Theotokos is laying on her funeral bier with the Apostles all around her. Christ is behind the bier, holding an infant swaddled in white which represents the soul of the Theotokos reborn in her glory in heaven; Christ also is robed in white and appears in an "aureole" or elongated halo which represents the Light of His Divinity.

The Apostles are shown on either side of the bier; the group on the left is led by St. Peter who stands at the head of the bier; the group on the right is led by St. Paul who stands at the foot.

Below the bier is a figure of Antonius the Jew, who tried to disrupt the procession, was punished, but later repented of his sins and embraced Christianity through Baptism.

I spent last night reading the Paraklesis (a service of intercession that has a canon to a saint included) to the Theotokos. It is also called the Small Supplicatory Canon . I also read the Akathist to the Theotokos, Joy of All Who Sorrow. Both of these are beautiful prayers and very soothing to the soul. I go the this Akathist regularly. An akathist, by the way, is a prayer that is read akathistos or standing.

With power from on high, do Thou strengthen me, who am afflicted in body and soul, O good Lady, and vouchsafe me Thy visitation and provident care, dispelling the gloom of despondency and sorrow which enfold me, that saved by Thee I may unceasingly cry out to God:
Alleluia!

Weird Mood

I really want to try to identify this mood I am in and have been in for the last few weeks. I'm not "happy" or "unhappy" per se. I'm easily annoyed but I just as easily get over it. I want to both be totally alone and with people at the same time although it's just that some of the people I want around me drive me absolutely bonkers. I went to Target and got depressed about school supplies and dorm furnishings but was still able to laugh and hang with a friend. I enjoy work but dread going. Decision making is getting to be very very hard again but once I make one I don't wonder too much about it. I want to sleep but stay up way later than I ought. I'm planning to enter school soon but I get tired just thinking about it even though I know millions of people manage full-time jobs and full-time school at the same time and I can do anything "they" can do. I'm often very hungry but just don't want to eat anything because (a) it's way too much trouble to cook (b) it costs way too much to eat out and (c) I can't think of anything I truely want anyway so why bother?

Sigh.

It's very strange.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Fear

I hate being afraid.

Tempted

I am often tempted to do things that are not conducive to my mental, emotional and spiritual health. I donb't know why. Especially when I know that doing them just makes me lose what peace I have for weeks at a time. It's very odd. Why torment myself this way?

^1617181920I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. But in fact it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me.

21^22232425 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do what is good, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God in my inmost self, but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind, making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7:15-25

It's good to know I am not alone in this.

But it's my fault.

Half, no, way more than half my difficulty comes from the fact that I have not been anywhere near consistent in my spiritual disciplines for months now. I've ignored my prayer rule, forgone reading and studying the Bible, made liturgy an option and basically just tossed everything I know I need to do out the window in favor of what my flesh wants to do--sleep and pretend that my actions have no consequences. I know there are those that think God doesn't do consequences but all the Bible versions I have read indicate otherwise.

Anyway, I know I need to get on the ball. I just need to figure out how to force myself to do it. After all, I do everything else I want to do, don't I?

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner. I can do nothing without you, but I can do all things through you if you only strengthen me. Amen.

Relevant Verses
Numbers 5:5-7
Romans 7:15-25

Useful Linkage
Coping with Spiritual Paralysis
Daily Prayer Basics

I Have Returned and I Am Annoyed

I'm amazed at the heat I take for a silly little thing on my head. It absolutely never ceases to amaze me. I can watch a movie that's riddled with violence, bad language and sexual overtones; I can walk around a beach with just enough material to cover the private parts that God gave me; I can regularly exceed the speed limits while driving; I can overeat in the name of Christian fellowship; I can step on people's heads and feelings on my way up the corporate ladder all in the name of 'ambition'...I can do so many things that are clearly sinful, clearly not holy, clearly meant to satisfy my flesh and my flesh alone -- appealing to my lower nature and not to my spiritual one -- and no one would say a word to me about it. But this little piece of fabric causes such an offense that even the people closest to us want to pin it on something...
Testimony of Grace: Beware the Spirit of Compromise

Been there done that bought the t-shirt. I remember certain people who were important in my life giving me such grief just because I decided to obey the push God was giving me toward being covered--hair and body. Certain people took it to mean I too was being selfish and unloving toward them. Others asked if I was converting to Islam. And let's not get started on the ones who are convinced I'm just trying to be "weird" for the sake of being weird. Someone also once said to me, "Just don't make it into a Law" As if the Law were bad or something.

¹⁷

From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. The law indeed was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
John 1:16,17

The Law was also grace. Jesus Christ fulfilled the Law--He was the Grace given on top of the grace of the Law. Even with the elaborate interpretation of the Law that they dealt with

[the Hebrews] did not see the law as a code, much less an arbitrary set of rules to be followed. They saw it as a help, a treasure, and a blessing. They also saw it as an expression of reality-the way things are, the way they are ordered in relation to each other and to their Creator. The Hebrews, who sang “thy law is truth”, felt it natural that any sane person would consider the law something he would want to get to know, the way he would want to come to understand life itself and its meaning: “How sweet are thy words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! Through thy precepts I get understanding” (Ps. 119.103)……in understanding the law, he understands what is what, and as a result he is at peace with others, with God, and with himself: he is strong and sure.”
From Sweeter than Honey by Peter Bouteneff

For the record, I am not becoming Jewish, either.

I guess all I am saying is, lay off other folks' expression of their faith. Don't assume you know that someone is "God's child" or not. Don't assume that because you worship in an Orthodox/Catholic/Evangelical/Liberal Protestant/High Protestant church that you have the corner on the salvation market compared to someone who doesn't worship there or even know/understand your style of worship.

You aren't walking their path. You aren't qualified to judge.

Concern yourself with your own salvation and leave the salvation of others between them and God.

And before anyone gets their panties in a wad, I am also preaching to myself. I often catch myself doing this very thing regularly. Believe me, it's a turrible turrible thing when you annoy yourself.

Endure & Know

Endure the trial of yourself and your own faults and sins peacefully, serenely, because you know that God's mercy is greater than your wretchedness.
Fr. Thomas Hopko

SUPPLICATION TO THE HOLY SPIRIT

A Syriac Prayer

O Thou Divine Comforter and Advocate, Spirit of Truth, Treasure-house of Goodness, and Fountain of Life. Thou who dost apportion gifts and give talents from above; come and dwell in us, and cleanse us thoroughly, O Lord.

Create a clean heart in us and renew a right spirit within us, even the spirit of temperance and purity, of righteousness and true holiness; the spirit of wisdom and understanding, even the spirit of strength and firm purpose; the spirit of knowledge and the awe of God.

Be with us and be our guide and leader, strengthening us and aiding us at all times. O Spirit of Holiness, full of mercy and goodness, grant our tears to flow and cleanse our hearts.

Do Thou take up Thy dwelling within us.

Touch our hearts with the fire of Thy love, O God, and refresh and revive us in all good works that we may live in Thee forever and ever.

Amen.

from The Golden Key to Divine Worship
by Mar Severius Ephrem Barsoum
Archdiocese of the Syriac Orthodox Church, 1961