Wisdom

Today I spent two hours being given hope. I know that sounds odd but the whole time I was thinking, "I can do this! This is possible!"

For the longest time, I have had a dream and now I know it is not an impossible dream. I know there is, in all honesty, probability that I will be able to achieve this dream!

Glory be to God! Thank you, Father, for your goodness! Please continue to have mercy on me, a sinner!

Looking for Something Good

Tsa-wa-ke, Looking for Something Good, was too beautiful to have been produced by chance. Her features looked as though they had been carved in cedar by a master, then rubbed smooth and oiled until they glowed and flowed in graceful curves from her rounded chin to ther vaulting black eyebrows.
Ride the Wind, Lucia St Clair Robson, p57

I love internet quizzes. I take random quizzes just to entertain myself and see if I can fool the quiz or if the answer will be what I think it is. It's a moderate amount of fun and makes for a good time waster when I need to be doing something (anything) else.

I recently took one called, "What's Your Indian [Native American] Name" and got the result Star Willow or something lame like that. I mean it was pretty but rather, ah, stereotypical. When I took it, I remembered this book I read a million years ago who had a name that really struck me. Tsa-wa-ke, Looking for Something Good. She was tall, beautiful, intelligent, fun-loving and (as eventually revealed) flawed. In other words, she was human.

I too could claim that name. I am also "Looking for Something Good". So much has happened since the bomb dropped a couple of years ago that I think I have just been waiting for the smoke to clear and the ejecta to quit falling. Now the damage has been assessed and the triage completed, it is time to move away from Ground Zero and quit going back to poke at the destruction.

By no means does this mean everything is hunky dorey, sunshine and puppy dogs. What it means is that I see sun! I see blessing! I expect to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!

I am Looking for Something Good! I am Holy and Redeemed! I am Sought Out and Not Forsaken! I am Delighted In and Worthy! I have been given a calling and a new name!

Alleluia! Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

Relevant Verses
Ruth 3:11
Psalm 40
Psalm 55
Isaiah 54
Isaiah 62 (Isaiah 62:2)
Revelation 2:17
Revelation 3:12

When You Fall, Rise

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook today:

"When you fall, rise, and when you sin, repent. Just never let the poison of despair penetrate into your heart, seeing the great sea of God's compassion. No matter how many sins one commits, they go away and vanish in the sea of God's goodness."
Elder Ephraim

Such a good thing to remember.

Temptation

I am often tempted. Many things tempt me. Many times I fall into it, but I struggle not to succumb. Nothing good ever comes of it. As the book says, first the lust, then the conception of sin, then the birth of the sin and the destruction.

I've experienced all of the above. I've been a victim of others who did all of the above. I've wrought all of the above. I praise the Lord and rely so heavily on the ability to ask for forgiveness for what I have done. The Lord knows I have enough on my hands to make a whole new disastrous world. Only the Lord can cleanse me of that. I know it. I admit it. Have mercy on me, a sinner.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to Thy great mercy; and according to the multitude of Thy compassions, blot out my transgression. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I realize my iniquity, and my sin is before me continually. Against Thee only have I sinned I and done evil in Thy sight, that Thou mayest be justified in Thy words and win when Thou art judged.For, behold, I was conceived in iniquities, and in sins did my mother desire me. For, lo, Thou lovest truth; the unknown and secret things of Thy wisdom Thou hast made known to me. Thou shalt sprinkle me with hyssop, and I shall be cleansed; Thou shalt wash me, and I shall become whiter than snow.Thou shalt make me hear joy and gladness; the bones that have been humbled will rejoice. Turn Thy face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from Thy face, I and take not Thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation, and confirm me with a princely spirit. I shall teach Thy ways to the lawless and the godless will return to Thee. Deliver me from blood, O God - O God of my salvation - and my tongue shall extol Thy justice. O Lord, Thou wilt open my lips, and my mouth shall declare Thy praise. For if Thou hadst desired sacrifice, I would have given it; but burnt offerings do not please Thee. The sacrifice for God is a contrite spirit; a contrite and humble heart God will not despise. Gladden Sion, O Lord, with Thy good will; and let the walls of Jerusalem be built. Then Thou wilt be pleased with the sacrifice of righteousness, the oblation and burnt offerings; then they will offer calves on Thine altar.

Save, Lord, and have mercy on those who hate me and offend me, and do me harm. Do not let them perish because of me, a sinner.

Relevant Verses
Psalm 51 (50)
1 Corinthians 10:13
James 1:12-16

Distraction

Now as they went on their way, he entered a certain village, where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to what he was saying. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks; so she came to him and asked, ‘Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her then to help me.’ But the Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.’
Luke 10:38-42 emphasis mine

Distraction seems to be the name of the game for me these days. Once upon a time, I could focus quite easily for hours on whatever it was I was doing: writing, reading, studying. I could totally absorb myself in the flow and lose track of all time. These days I am sometimes surprised to make it all the way home in one piece.

Main Entry: ²dis·tract Pronunciation: \di-ˈstrakt\

Function: transitive verb

Etymology: Middle English, from Latin distractus, past participle of distrahere, literally, to draw apart, from dis- + trahere to draw

Date: 14th century

- having the attention diverted especially because of anxiety

Well that explains a few things and is relatively apropos.

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Philippians 4:6

Therein lies the rub, I think. I'm already muddling things up by being "worried and distracted by many things" after I've been expressly told not to worry about anything.

When I wasn't worried, when I was sure about my course and about what was right and what was wrong, I was not distracted. I was firmly founded. Now I am worse than any sapling in a wind, because at least the sapling has roots! I feel like a leaf. Or rather I feel like I am trying to catch, catalog and file fallen leaves in autumn during a windstorm. (There's a mental image for you.)

WHY?? Those dang leaves don't need catching, cataloging or filing! They fell off because dead leaves fall. I don't need to subject myself to an OCD moment of trying to fix them. The leaves don't need fixing. They aren't fixable. They need to be bagged up and put on the corner with the rest of the trash so they can be carted away and forgotten about.

Brilliant eh?

Let's see if I can do it. ~wink~

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Times are Tough, Money's Hard...

To have faith in Christ means more than simply despising the delights of this life. It means we should bear all our daily trials that may bring us sorrow, distress, or unhappiness, and bear them patiently for as long as God wishes and until He comes to visit us. For it is said, “I waited on the Lord and He came to me.”
~ St. Symeon the New Theologian

Thank you, Maria, so much for that quote. This has been a rather hard month for me, financially, emotionally, physically. (Beware I'm unloading here)

My back has really been hurting and I'm looking at the possibility of surgery (I got the results of the MRI and it isn't pretty). The truck needs tires. I had to pay some unexpected bills and etc etc etc ad nauseaum, ad infinitum. Isn't that always the case?

Anyway, I've been really feeling it right now and this quote really hit the spot. I went to confession recently, realizing that some of my problems are of my own causing--I mean really, does a fish need a bicycle? Does a rhino need a lightsaber? Then why am I trying to supply my personal fishes and rhinos with bicycles and lightsabers??? Doesn't sound like wisdom to me.

~heavy, heavy sigh~

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Please pray for me.

Truth.

It is not enemies who taunt me—
I could bear that;
it is not adversaries who deal insolently with me—
I could hide from them.
¹³But it is you, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend,
¹⁴with whom I kept pleasant company;
we walked in the house of God with the throng.
¹⁵Let death come upon them;
let them go down alive to Sheol;
for evil is in their homes and in their hearts.

But I call upon God,
and the Lord will save me.
¹⁷Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
and he will hear my voice.
¹⁸He will redeem me unharmed
from the battle that I wage,
for many are arrayed against me.
¹⁹God, who is enthroned from of old,
Selah
will hear, and will humble them—
because they do not change,
and do not fear God.

²⁰My companion laid hands on a friend
and violated a covenant with me ^*
21with speech smoother than butter,
but with a heart set on war;
with words that were softer than oil,
but in fact were drawn swords
Psalm 55:12-21

God be merciful to me...I too have sinned and hurt others, manipulated and schemed and sought my own way. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!

What Do I Do With Myself???

You ask, "Shouldn't I be doing something?" Of course that is necessary. Do whatever falls into your hands, in your circle and in your situation--and believe that this is and will be your true work; nothing more from you is required. It is a great error to think that you must undertake important and great labors, whether for heaven or, as the progressives think, in order to make one's contribution to humanity. That is not necessary at all. It is necessary only to do everything in accordance with the Lord's commandments. Just exactly what is to be done? Nothing in particular, just that which presents itself to each one according to the circumstances of his life and which is demanded by the individual events with which each of us meets.
The Spiritual Life & How to Be Attuned to It, St Theophan the Recluse, Letter 16

Metathoughts, or Where am I Going in this Handbasket???

The simplest definition of "meta-thinking" (albeit imprecise) could be thinking about what you are thinking about. How often do I do that? Not as much as I would like to or should. Sometimes I think after I do something and that's definitely the wrong way 'round altogether. As Celie in The Color Purple said,

"Well, us talk and talk about God, but I’m still adrift...I been so busy thinking bout him I never truly notice nothing God make. Not a blade of corn (how it do that?) not the color purple (where it come from?)..."

And Shug Avery's reply:

"More than anything God love admiration...No, not vain, just wanting to share a good thing. I think it pisses God off when you walk by the colour purple in a field and don't notice it...Everything wanna be loved. Us sing and dance, and holla just wanting to be loved. Look at them trees. Notice how the trees do everything people do to get attention... except walk?"

I'm certain that is not the way it's supposed to be. God made the world for us to notice and love it just as He does us. Today, I almost held up traffic to stare at a rainbow. It was a gorgeous quarter-arc of brilliant color slicing through clouds of various shades of grey, blue-grey and white. Then, on my way home, I just wanted to pull off the road and stare at the clouds. They piled over each other and blew in the wind across some of the most brilliantly blue sky I've seen in a while; sprinkled rain and turned silver in the sunlight.

But in all my admiration for the clouds and rainbow, I just now realize I never once thought about the One who created that. Why?

Because my mind is filled with all manner of things except what is truly important. I spent the past couple of days thinking about the things that are important. About priorities and hierarchies that I want to observe and teach my son to observe. Yet here in my own life I realize I did not recognize the true importance of the dazzling display in the sky that so captivated me on my way home.

That I believe in one God, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, and it is meet and right to worship the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, at all times and in all places bowing down before Him and singing the triumphal hymn, "Holy Holy Holy!"

Instead of a miracle of light and water and air, I notice clouds and some random act of physics that is pretty and transient but essentially of no import compared to leaving work, getting to the grocery store, fighting traffic to get home, balancing the checkbook, folding laundry, etc etc etc ad nauseum ad infinitum.

I am...unquiet...inside. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy.

I am reading some of the works of St Theophan the Recluse now and, while I've never read him before, his words are familiar. So many of the saints have said the same thing: the spirit must control the soul/mind or else it will always be disquieted and unsatisfied. It will not focus on anything but satisfying it's own myriad and infinite carnal needs/desires but nothing carnal can fulfill it because what is truly desired is a spiritual satisfaction. The soul only knows what is important when the spirit is strong enough to rein it in.

My spirit needs some training. I'm thinking she is getting somewhat, well, flabby. I've lost my peace many times lately for many reasons that I really should not. Reasons that are truly truly not worth my peace. I'm not "keeping" my own heart. I'm not self-disciplined anymore. A truly ugly concept in this day and age, I know, but it is a must. Once my spiritual disciplines become lax, so do all my others. The spirit is the leader and must lead.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Verses
1 Corinthians 9:24-25
Galatians 5:16-26
2 Timothy 2:3-5
Hebrews 12:5-13

Thoughts

"If you are friendly with someone who happens to fall into the temptation of fornication, offer him your hand, if you can, and deliver him from it. But if he falls into heresy and you cannot persuade him to turn from it, separate yourself quickly from him, in case, if you delay, you too may be dragged down with him into the pit." ~ Abba Theodore