In the Crucible of Our Actions

The Scriptures give one of the clearest examples of how we should think about repentance. The encounter of John the Baptist with the crowds who came to and heard his message of repentance contain an interesting exchange:

Then he [John the Baptist] said to the multitudes that came out to be baptized by him, “Brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Therefore bear fruits worthy of repentance, and do not begin to say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ For I say to you that God is able to raise up children to Abraham from these stones. And even now the ax is laid to the root of the trees. Therefore every tree which does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.”

So the people asked him, saying, “What shall we do then?”

He answered and said to them, “He who has two tunics, let him give to him who has none; and he who has food, let him do likewise.”

Then tax collectors also came to be baptized, and said to him, “Teacher, what shall we do?”

And he said to them, “Collect no more than what is appointed for you.”

Likewise the soldiers asked him, saying, “And what shall we do?”

So he said to them, “Do not intimidate anyone or accuse falsely, and be content with your wages.” (Luke 3:7-14).

John’s response to the people who came was not to launch them into a world of introspection. The heart changes in the crucible of our actions. Generosity and kindness are begotten of generosity and kindness. If you have enough to share – then share.
Glory to God for All Things, The Instinct of Repentence

This Lent I am smack dab in the middle of the crucible. Instinct tells me I'm a complete idiot and am just setting myself up to get the doormat treatment again. Christ tells me this is not the truth, but even if someone does try to do the doormat thing, it won't be because of my sin. My life is about to become a crucible. God knows I don't want to live there but it's only for a few weeks. Six to be exact. I can do six weeks and by then it will be a habit.

What I am going through is not going to change anything in the long run. I don't really expect it to. I just guess that there are some things you have to do because you have to do them, not because there will be any great change in the world because you do the things you feel you need to do. "Winning" and "losing" have nothing to do with the life in Christ. The only thing that matters is obedience and the blessing gained from being obedient.

I read someplace recently a statement: If you behave as if you are and maintain that behavior, eventually, you will become what you have been behaving as. It's a hard discipline I think but acsesis was never supposed to be easy. Finding my way through the morass of my passions to the Lord is just part of that command to work out my salvation in fear and trembling.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Luke 3:7-14
Philippians 2:12-15
Definition: Crucible

Early to Rise

I'm not sleeping well again. I woke up at 300a today. No one should be awake at 300a if they aren't the leader of the free world or Dr Duffenschmirtz plotting to take over the world.

Just a lot of things on my mind and I am not sure why. Or what half the time. So many things have happened over the past couple of weeks since I started preparing for Lent (and let's not mention the past couple of years) that I can hardly stand it. With all that's coming out it's obvious that I have a lot to focus on this season.

O Lord and Master of my life!

Take from me the spirit of sloth, faint-heartedness, lust of power, and idle talk.

But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience, and love to Thy servant.

Yea, O Lord and King! Grant me to see my own errors and not to judge my brother;

For Thou art blessed unto ages of ages. Amen

The Lenten Prayer of St Ephraim

It's pretty much normal for this time to be difficult but this year seems to have really kicked it up a notch. From finances to personal to mental to parental to life in general, things are just a hot mess with me and I can't even begin to figure out why. The main issue I have lately is passivity. I can't seem to bring myself to do more than the minimum required to live. Everything is a huge exhausting effort.

That I recognize for what it is and I have ways to combat it but the whole thing is just such an effort. What does that mean? Well some people say I need to move more.

I say I need to find a nice warm blankie and get under it.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading

The Lenten Prayer of St Ephraim

Akathist to Jesus, Light to those in Darkness

Mom

Alberta Gatling

3 May 1937 - 25 January 1995

“In God and in His Church there is no distinction between the living and the departed, but all are one in the love of the Father. Whether we are alive or whether we are dead, as a member of the Church we still belong to the same family, and still have a duty to bear one another’s burdens. Therefore just as Orthodox Christians here on earth pray for one another and ask one another’s prayers, so they pray for the faithful departed, and ask for the faithful departed to pray for them. Death cannot sever the bond of mutual love which links the members of the Church together”-

The Orthodox Church by Met. Kallistos Ware

One Fine Wire

There is a tendency to say, "we've really struggled through all these choices and I'm on a tight rope, don't start nudging me."

...I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
But It's frayed at both the ends
And I'm slow unraveling...
One Fine Wire, Colbie Caillat

A Good Read

Sola Scriptura: In the Vanity of their Own Minds

That is all.

A Prayer to Jesus to deliver us from the sin of abortion

O Lord Jesus Christ, Who – at the 6^th hour of the day – didst shed Thy precious Blood upon the Cross for the salvation of all mankind: receive the souls of all the innocent pre-born babies, who have been, are being, or will be slaughtered today in the hospitals and abortion chambers throughout our Nation. And as their untimely deaths have prevented them from receiving the grace of Holy Baptism, I entreat Thee to accept their innocent blood as their Baptism (as Thou didst with the early Martyrs); so that they can share eternity with Thee.

To the doctors, nurses, parents and hosts of accomplices responsible for this infanticide, grant tears of repentance; so that they can run to Thee for forgiveness and healing, and thus avoid the eternal death of their souls. I believe that all things are possible with Thee, O Lord. Therefore, I entreat Thee on this day – through Thy divine grace – to convince at least one mother in every state to cancel her abortion and bring her child to full term; and to convince one doctor in every state to repent of his actions, and never again kill a child in the womb.

Receive my prayer, O Lord, even though it is offered to Thee from such a sinful and unworthy servant; and unite my entreaty with those of all the other brothers and sisters that are crying out today on behalf of all Thy little ones, who are now being formed in the wombs of their mothers. Deliver us and our Nation, O Lord, from this shedding of innocent blood! Forgive us! Heal us! Save us! Amen.

Relevant Reading

The Fathers of the Orthodox Church on Abortion

Abortion & The Early Church

Note to Self

Sometimes getting from Point A to Point B involves a trip around the back end of Points Q through Y. May as well enjoy the view because nothing is going to change right now.

The Voiceless Heard

I lose my voice for several days every winter. Not sure why and I rarely if ever feel "sick" with it except for a tender feeling throat. It's almost like clockwork, too. Cold weather sets in and my voice goes to the South Pacific.

Someone said to me, "My mom lost her voice every winter too...do you feel voiceless elsewhere in yor life? I mean, that's personal and don't answer, but it's occurred to me that my mom did and it manifested itself physically."

I've been thinking about that and I have to admit that it is true. Very often I do not feel heard. In the past three years or so, it's been hammered home time and again that my words mean nothing to certain people. No matter what I say or feel, they truly believe that it isn't important and doesn't count. In fact my son recently said to me that his father told him that schoolwork I assign him "doesn't count". Talk about being undermined. Many times I am told point blank that I didn't even say what I know I said and that I agreed to something I know I did not. I think the applicable term here is "crazy-making".

I'm slowly coming to understand that I've given "them" far too much power over me. I've been living by their law, looking for their approval, hoping to make them notice that I am or am not...whatever it is they think I am. If anything. For some reason I've forgotten that I am freed from all that and am not obligated to live by those rules and regs any longer. I'm not under that controlling influence, that law anymore.

Perhaps, as I recall this, I will regain my voice.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

My Dog Thinks I'm Crazy

I've started exercising in the morning and poor Chelsea is a little discombobulated. She sticks her face in my face when I am low enough, she whines, she lays down and stares, she puts her paw on me in her "stop" position, she sits on me. I seriously think she is concerned about me doing these strange movements.

I think that is what bothers a lot of people when you genuinely try to do something new with God. Or what seems new to them. They get in your face. They stare. They whine. They try to stop you anyway they can. They tell you everything you are doing wrong and point out where you fail to live up to your own words and desires...

It's quite amusing really. You see, they just think I'm crazy.

I know I'm crazy. I know I'm no saint. I know I fall short daily, hourly, second by second I fall short. And yet I keep on trying. I must be nuts!

As a sign in a car I saw once said, "I may be messy and misplace things, but that's okay because nobody dies from it and God still loves me."

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

I Hereby Resolve...

...To make no more resolutions. I will however be doing a lot of maturing in the near future. Flying by the seat of my pants is not an option anymore. I have Gabriel, school, work and home to manage. I have to step up to the plate now and do what needs doing with no luxury for complaining.

If I was going to have some resolutions however, I think the following should be sufficient:

"Aim at righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called.... Keep the commandment unstained and free from reproach until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ."

1 Tim 6:11-16

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.