God...

...takes so many things that look horrid on the surface and turns them into wonderful, beautiful things. I don't know how and I often wonder why but if I had not seen the ugliness that I have seen, I know for a fact I would not see the beauty I see today.

Praise God for the mercy He has had and continues to have on this sinner.

A Prayer for Today

Jesus, Son of the Father without mother according to divinity,
I glorify You the eternal Who is above every entreaty and word.

Jesus, Son of a Mother without father according to humanity,

I glorify You Who became man for us.

Jesus, Emmanuel unchanged, for You are the Angel-bearer of the great message of salvation,
I thank You for Your great love for man.



Jesus, spotless Lamb of God,

I ever confess You, for I am the lost sheep.

Jesus, most-compassionate Comforter,
make the grace of your Spirit to work within me.

Jesus, new Adam,
take from me the old man, and establish in me the new.

Jesus, You Who descended to earth,
make me worthy to have my habitation in the heavens.




Jesus, You Who took on human nature,
make me a partaker in the grace of theosis.

Jesus, my breath, come to visit me.
~ St. Nikodemos the Hagiorite

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Happy New Year!

 Wow! What a year 2012 was. I am so glad to have a clean slate to look forward to, but as I look behind me I am not overly displeased with this past year. Twenty-twelve was a remarkable year of learning for me: learning how to rely on the Lord's provision; learning how to be grateful for what was given; learning humility and graciousness; learning that my plans for my life might not be His.

It was hard and I whined. A lot. It didn't do me a lot of good.

It was hard and I prayed. A lot. That did me a whole lot more good.

I think I will continue to do what worked and stop doing what didn't.

God is good all the time and He is and had been gracious, so very gracious to me in the past 12 months. I can only imagine what He has in store for the next twelve months. I have my own goals and plans (not resolutions mind you. I don't do resolutions) but I am flexible enough to realize God has His own plans for me and my son in mind. He may or may not share them with me.

I'll just try not to whine too much about it.

O Master, Lord our God, the Source of life and immortality, the Author of all created things both visible and invisible, Who has established all seasons and times by Your own authority and Who directs all things with Your all-wise and all-gracious providence: We thank You for Your bounties, which You have poured out upon us during our life that is past. And we entreat You, O all-bountiful Lord: Bless the crown of the New Year by Your goodness. Bestow Your good things from above upon all Your people, as also health, salvation and good furtherance in all things. Deliver Your Holy Church, this city and all cities and countryside from every evil assault, and vouchsafe unto them peace and tranquility; and grant that we may always offer thanksgiving unto You, the unoriginate Father, together with Your only-begotten Son and Your all-holy, good and life-giving Spirit, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.

Lord have mercy upon me, a sinner.

Peppermint Winter

This is officially my new favorite pop Christmas song. 

...And then Facepalm

Sometimes you do things because you have to. You ask questions you already know the answer to because you have to. The answer comes. It's exactly what you thought it would be.

And then you

and do what you need to do in spite of people, places, and things. It has nothing to do with being kind or nice or anything of that sort. It's just that you have to and why expect anything different?

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Even Hitler Liked Dogs

I fail miserably at this sometimes. There are times when I try so hard to remember good things about people but sometimes I just cannot. Heck there are sometimes I just will not. I don't know why exactly. I mean, even Hitler was kind to dogs, right? That was something somewhat decent about the man. I could think about how he was a better dog-trainer than I will ever be.

Does it mean I have to like him as a human being?

These are the things I think about late at night. Some folks I can think good things about--they are better teachers, better librarians, better students...But then some folks I can't come up with anything at all and that kind of bothers me. So how do I get around that to recalling anything decent about them?

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner

Relevant Reading
St. Tikhon of Zadonsk
Heel, Hitler

Systematic Theology

I love theology. I love dogmatics and doctrine. I love knowing the whys and wherefores of my faith. As I journeyed to Orthodoxy over the years, a lot of my understanding of the doctrines of the faith came from reading the Fathers of the Church and the great theologians in a piecemeal fashion. That is, as I encountered something within the Church, I went to these sources to discover where it came from. I never read in any systematic fashion, but I just nibbled here and there off the sides of what is a HUGE cake. 

Mice Eating Cake

I think I may have found a way to remedy my scattershot knowledge of the works of the Fathers of the Church. There is a website (there is always a website) by a couple of Protestant laymen who came up with the formula that if one reads seven pages a day for seven years, you can read the Fathers. All of them.

Seven pages a day is not a lot. At least not for me.  I can read seven pages of just about anything in no time at all. And I've done a lot of things over the past seven years that took a heck of a lot more time out of my day. The writings are available free online as well. It's a win-win situation.

So this is my new project. I like having intellectual projects. I got my Masters degree after all. I would LOVE to be able to turn this into a career in a theological library. 

So here I go again!

Relevant Reading

Read the Fathers

Early Church Fathers

Black Friday, St Xenia, and Me

I worked my first Black Friday in a LONG time today. I got to the mall at 700a and it was just me and a co-worker for about three hours. Not a lot was going on and it was SO dead. (As I wait for the library jobs to say yes to me I work in a card store. We had no doorbusters, no BF specials). I don't think we had more than four people in the store before 830a. I spent time making some changes to the store set per the Regional Manager's emails. I had my phone in my pocket and so while I was out there, I'd glance at the Akathist to St Xenia and try to think about a line from a kontakion or o/ikos as I was straightening stuff. It kept me from complaining about being at the mall at stupid o'clock in the morning.

About 830 or 900a, a few people who wandered in to buy one thing and then wander out. Then we got this one lady (and her cranky kids) with a slight attitude and my co-worker started to b!tch about her as soon as she left.

Snow Roller 

It truly only takes one. If it isn't nipped in the bud, it just rolls onward. At best, I am "not a morning person." At worst I am a wet cat in a burlap bag. I HATE being up early in the morning. It does not take much to get me to complain about being awake before my inner clock says it's reasonable to be awake. Caffeine is a food group as far as I am concerned.

So there I was, commiserating and jumping on the band-wagon along with co-worker when the eighth kontakion in the akathist popped into my head. It reads:

As a homeless wanderer, you trod the path of your life in the capital city 

of Russia, bearing afflictions and reproaches with great patience; 

and abiding now in the heavenly Jerusalem,

in joy you sing unto God: Alleluia!

And here I am complaining about a woman who, though it was through her own volition, was out too early in the morning with obviously exhausted children and probably trying to do as much of her shopping as she could. All she really wanted was the price tag taken off the picture and to have it re-wrapped. I'd be snarky too if I had to drag cranky kids around the mall at crazy o'clock in the morning after probably not getting enough sleep after a major holiday.

And while maybe she could have been nicer, why take offense at her snarkiness? There is so much energy expended in being offended by piddly stuff like that. Energy I desperately needed about two hours later when folks actually decided they needed cards and gift-wrapping services and the like. It really wasn't worth it to me to be "offended" by people who shop on Black Friday, tired, cranky customers, upper management at Wal-Mart or Sears (people whose decisions have no bearing on my work life right now). It simply wasn't.

Immediately the irritation just sort of drained away and I felt a lot better. I tried to change the subject but co-worker wasn't having it so I started emptying more boxes and setting out more of the items on the update (some seriously butt-ugly Christmas dust collectors let me tell you). After a while, co-worker wandered off.

And St Xenia and I re-set the front of the store in peace.

You were all things to all, O blessed Xenia—comfort for the sorrowful, protection and defense for the weak, joy for the grieving, clothing for the poor, healing for the sick; therefore, we cry out unto you:

Rejoice, for you dwell in the mansions on high!
Rejoice, for you pray there for us sinners!
Rejoice, O good one, who shows us a model of service to God!
Rejoice, O provider of our every need!
Rejoice, O protectress of the persecuted and oppressed!
Rejoice, for you by your supplications help the Orthodox people!
Rejoice, for you endured much affliction and grief!
Rejoice, for you defend the afflicted who pray to you!
Rejoice, for you rebuke those who abuse their fellows!
Rejoice, for you put to shame unbelievers and those who babble!
Rejoice, for you were clothed in rags and tatters!
Rejoice, for God has adorned you with the splendid raiment of righteousness!
Rejoice, O blessed Xenia, who ever intercedes for our souls!

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
The Life of St Xenia
The Akathist to St Xenia

Mama Bear Has Nothing On Me

Holy Theotokos protect my son when he is far from me.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

There Are Days

There are days when I wish I had fewer convictions about what is good and right. I am not trying to impress anyone. I'm so far from holy I'm sneaking up on it from the other side. But I can't stop living the way I live just because it is hard.

(Don't get me wrong. I do not feel "guilty" about anything. Confession solves many things and eradicates guilt if you do it right. Acceptance of my responsibility for what I have done and not saying that it is someone else's fault or trying to play the victim does wonders for moving away from random "guilty" feelings to true change. There are folks in the world who need to feel guilty about things they have done, or not done, or need to do, but I am not one of them.)

God, however, has very high standards and He doesn't change them just because I whine.

Besides, I am not whining, per se. I just wish this road was just a tad easier. Maybe had a few fewer potholes.

And if wishes were horses we all would ride.

Beginning tomorrow, the Winter Lent will begin. There are so many days within this time of preparation for me to remember what God has promised and what He has done to this point. Each of those days is one more day to see His plan for me played out on this stage and to try to live up to those plans which feature themselves for me as convictions and beliefs about how I should live my life and what example I should set for my son. Should I be self-indulgent or self-controlled? Should I ignore my commitments or honor them in spite of how I feel about them at the moment? Should my desires overcome what I know to be good and right or should I "fast" and pray about them?

There are days when the temptation is keener than the edge of a knife.

And then...God.

Lord have mercy upon me, a sinner. Please bless these days of preparation for your servant.

Relevant Reading
Why We Fast