The Mad Hatter Makes a ~gasp~ Resolution

In the past, I have tried my level best to start my day with a list of things to do. The list may not necessarily be written down someplace but I do always have an idea of what needs doing, cleaning, fixing, whatever-ing next. Then there are those moments when I know there is something that needs doing but it conflicts with something equally important that needs doing. That's when I go all deer-in-headlights. Drives me nuts! I mean, which one is the "right" thing to do?

Sometimes I try to think about what I am doing in terms of what "hat" I am wearing. You know, that saying about how we all wear many hats? I think Stephen Covey (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) came up with it. Essentially he said we can compartmentalize and prioritize what needs to be done based upon which hat we are wearing at that time. Seems pretty simple, does it not?

Unfortunately, that "hat" thing just leads to major anxiety for me. How does it lead to anxiety? Well just think about it...I'm trying to figure out which is the right thing to do, right? What will be the outcome if I do X instead of Y? Or if I do Y before X? Or...? Or...? Or...? It's enough to make a happily odd girl go slowly insane if not require professional help and a handful of anxiety meds per day. And who can afford that? 

Add to that the fact that the Lord has said that anxiety is a sin, has He not? So I have to do things slightly differently. I keep the list but it's not carved in granite. I've simply decided that my life has got to be more than getting stuff done and checking things off a list. I have to be flexible and gentle with myself and learn to live with the chips as they fall where they may. 

Basically, I have to remember to give up control while remaining in control. I can't let anyone force me into a position where I lose control anymore. There is no need for it. To possibly misquote a character from Sean Russell's Gatherer of Clouds, "To lose control because one feels out of control is a very confused response, I think."

So I think this coming year's resolution (I hate those things) is going to be keeping control and learning how to master the passions in my soul. It does me no good to allow these things to come to me and separate me from God by causing me undue anxiety and nervousness. The last part of the verses from Philippians I noted above says, 

"Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 

Emphasis mine. This next year, as I come to the end of yet another journey (graduation in December 2011, YAY!) I want to be at peace with God. That is truly it. I just want peace. Not the peace of the doormat getting walked on all the time nor the peace of the soldier who is always ready for battle. Just peace to live my life the way God wants me to live it. This is not to say that I won't fight if the need arises because there are things I will not abide and I will not be walked all over. No. There has to be a balance and I am looking for it.

This coming year, I hope to find it.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading

Artwork borrowed from Fayrenpickpocket @ Deviant Art

Philippians 4:4-7

Gatherer of Clouds
The Ascetic Podvig of Living in the World
Are Passions Natural?

Christ is Born! Glorify Him!

Christ is born, glorify Him! Christ from heaven, go out to meet Him! 

Christ is on earth, be exalted! 

Sing to the Lord all the whole earth; and that I may join both in one word, 

let the heavens rejoice, and let the earth be glad, 

for Him who is of heaven and then of earth.

 Christ in the flesh, rejoice with trembling and with joy; 

with trembling because of your sins, 

with joy because of your hope!

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

An Imperial Greeting from a Modern Orthodox Emperor

 

*Click image to increase size

Did I Miss Something?

Sometimes I think I may have missed something. Hm. I guess I need to back up and explain that one.

Currently, I am listening to the book, A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. I personally think Hawking is great. He has a great sense of geeky humor that I totally get (so what does that say about me?), is brilliant at what he does and has the talent to make ridiculously complex mathematics, physics and cosmology understandable to the layman. He is also quite talented at marketing himself. We're talking about a man who has been confined to a wheelchair for decades and unable to do anything except think. He can't even write down the equations he comes up with in the middle of the night, but has to remember them and wait for someone to write it out for him! And what does he think about? Creation. How did we get here? Where did we come from? Why does the universe have such order from the largest scale down to the smallest?

I love listening to his books and make it a point to watch all the documentaries about cosmology on the science channels. I don't have the talent or skill to be a theoretical quantum physicist but I certainly enjoy listening to their theories. And the way Hawking breaks them down makes the basics actually fun for me. Everything I've learned from just watching science shows about him and his theories have only made me more aware of the awesome creative power of God Who not only made the BIG, BIG things like galaxies but also the tiniest parts that make up those galaxies like quarks.

The reason why I think I may have missed something is because I have some friends who aren't fans. Why? Because Hawking isn't a believer. I was talking about something in Hawking's book and a friend said, "I don't bother with him. He's not a Christian and I just don't want to hear what he has to say." So they dismiss what he says and disregard what he has contributed because he doesn't have faith? That is so annoying to me. A lot of people don't believe in God, does that mean we get to dismiss everything they have done? That their contributions to whatever field are not valuable, that THEY as human beings are not valuable because they see the universe differently from me? How limiting and arrogant that is. Frankly, I don't care if he believes in God. I can't make him. I am fairly certain the gospel has been presented to him at some point--most people in thew Western world have heard it--but he has not responded to it as far as I know. Who knows if he will in the future or not? If he does will he have to recant all his science and theories for these people?

So I am thinking I must be missing something because I definitely enjoy Hawking. He is a genius and I've learned lots from him. Many people have and have neither lost their faith nor started sacrificing goats in their backyard. I don't comprehend this insular attitude. Why hide from M-theory, branes and quantum physics?

I think a lot of the issues people have with Hawking lie in the fact that the man does not seem humble. He does sometimes project a very "I am smart and you aren't so just listen to me" attitude, but I have gotten that vibe from plenty of people who are tops in their field. It's a human failing; deal with it. I've been there and done that myself. And Hawking has come out and said that he was wrong on more than one occasion. I don't know if that means he's humbled himself sufficiently or not. You put a bunch of crabs in a pot and they always manage to pull the one nearest the top back down.

Hawking's theories and beliefs have no bearing on me and mine. As a Christian, I believe God created the heavens and the earth. He created them according to laws and rules He put in place which we call mathematics and physics. Those laws sustain life as we know it and probably life as we have yet to discover because God made it that way. While this doesn't mean we will find God in those laws and rules and it also doesn't mean we cannot discover those laws and rules and use them.

Stephen Hawking is a brilliant man. He can teach us a lot about what it means to persevere and succeed in spite of the odds against you (his doctors told him he had two years to live back in the mid-1960's). He loves what he does, that is obvious. Dismissing him because he is not Christian is not a Christian thing to do and, I think, it leaves one the poorer for it.

Interesting Times for a Colored Girl

Wow! What an interesting year/semester. Some of THE most fascinating (and tiring things) have happened to me along the way.

Let me es-plain.

No...There is too much. Let me sum up.*

I discovered that no matter how much pure unadulterated unfettered dramedy one has to live through, I've not had so many trials that I cannot still find peace and praise the Lord. (Hebrews 12:4, 7-12) I mean seriously, some of what happened the past, oh, six months, would make a great sit-com if it was happening to someone else. There were moments when I wanted someone to pass the popcorn cos I just knew there had to be a camera crew nearby. Those tests and trials may not have been martyrdom by the ancient sense of the word, but still they made me into something entirely different than I was before. And I like who I am now. Survival will do that for you. And I have done more than survive this year. By the grace of God, I thrived.

Besides, I learned so much! Not only in school, but also about myself. I mean, some of what I've managed to, well, manage, has been amazing to me simply because I just knew I wouldn't be able to do any of it.

But I did. Imagine that.

I can only praise God that He did not fail to give me a way to escape (1 Corinthians 10:13) when things got tough and I wanted to give up. And He made sure I actually knew that I had an escape route I could use. He even occasionally smacked me upside the head with some interesting circumstances to make sure I used said escape route. Yeah, I have never gotten hints too well so He is getting really good about making it very plain for me. LOL!

This is not to say that I haven't wanted to run screaming in the opposite direction more than once. Giving up always looks easy. But then I'd have to live with myself. Yeah, that's not going to happen. Not to mention I would have been escorted out of my family of overachievers. Frog-marched even. To quote:

i cdnt stand it
i cdnt stand bein sorry & colored at the same time
it's so redundant in the modern world
Ntozake Shange, no more love poems #1, For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf

Frankly I didn't have a choice. It is a-frakkin'-mazing what you can do when your choices are limited to "survive or die". Trust me. That is how I looked at this year. Survive or die. And then I called the Lord's bluff. May I just say, He doesn't bluff. He's always holding a Royal Flush. Always. I like that. So, here God was holding the winning hand and I had decided to trust Him and hold on for the ride.

As I said, it was a little tiring. It wasn't like I was just sitting there either. I mean faith without works is dead and stinky. (James 2:14-26) There was stuff I had to do; primary to that was obey His commandments (hear and do, as I teach my own son). Isn't that what He said to do to prove our love for Him? He tells you to do something and, if you love Him, you do it. (John 14:15,21) Simple.

Yeah you believe that if you want to. There's a whole bunch of stuff I have to grit my teeth to do. There's a whole bunch of stuff I wish someone would bribe me to do. There's a whole bunch of stuff that I would just really rather slice my skin off in strips with a dull, salty knife than do. (I kid you not.) But He never said I had to like it. He just said If you love me, you will obey my commandments. I don't succeed all the time, but praise God, He accepts my most paltry efforts and forgives my sin when I fall.

I've learned that I can "suck up" just about anything when I am being obedient to Him, because it isn't about my comfort at that time. It's about Him being glorified and showing Himself strong. Heck at least I have my house and a nice warm bed. King David had to live in caves and worry about being killed by a madman. At least I don't have to live in a cave. ~rimshot~ LOL! (Keeping a sense of humor is paramount too, but then again, I'm loopy.)

Anyway these are just a few of the things these last few months have taught me. I hope that was coherent. I knew what I was trying to say anyway.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
Hebrews 12:4,7
1 Corinthians 10:13
James 2:14-26
John 14:15, 21
2 John 1:6

*Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

Heart Full

My heart is full and my head is spinning a little bit. That is a good thing. It really is. As soon as I can parse it down to a post or two, I will. Meanwhile...

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
   whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
   of whom shall I be afraid?
When evildoers assail me
   to devour my flesh—
my adversaries and foes—
   they shall stumble and fall.
Though an army encamp against me,
   my heart shall not fear;
though war rise up against me,
   yet I will be confident.
One thing I asked of the Lord,
   that will I seek after:
to live in the house of the Lord
   all the days of my life,
to behold the beauty of the Lord,
   and to inquire in his temple.
For he will hide me in his shelter
   in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
   he will set me high on a rock.
Now my head is lifted up
   above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
   sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.
Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud,
   be gracious to me and answer me!
‘Come,’ my heart says, ‘seek his face!’
   Your face, Lord, do I seek.
   Do not hide your face from me.
Do not turn your servant away in anger,
   you who have been my help.
Do not cast me off, do not forsake me,
   O God of my salvation!
If my father and mother forsake me,
   the Lord will take me up.
Teach me your way, O Lord,
   and lead me on a level path
   because of my enemies.
Do not give me up to the will of my adversaries,
   for false witnesses have risen against me,
   and they are breathing out violence.
I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord
   in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
   be strong, and let your heart take courage;
   wait for the Lord!
Psalm 27

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

And Now For Something Completely Different

How to Survive the Next Seven Days Waiting For The Release of The Towers of Midnight

I know. I know. The wait must be killing you by now.  Try to relax.  November 2^nd will be here soon, and there are plenty of things we can all do to occupy our time until then.

So before you lose your marbles, consider the following 25 suggestions:

1. Wash the spears. You will need them when Tarmon Gai’don begins
2. Take your wolf brother for a nice relaxing walk
3. Raise the banner of Malkier in your backyard and see who shows up
4. Make an apple pie since you have plenty on hand now.
5. Fantasize about what Ajah you’ll join one day [Note: I would be Brown Ajah, no doubt]
6. Play Snakes and Foxes with your best friend until one of you wins
7. Take a camping trip to the parking lot of your local bookstore
8. Tease your boyfriend with your best Tinker shawl dance
9. Tease your girlfriend with your best Tinker shawl dance and hope she doesn’t dump you
10. Book your hotel room for JordanCon
11. Start your own Ajah
12. Practice your juggling and other gleeman’s skills
13. Adopt a piglet and name it Mat
14. Eat every meal this week with sursa
15. Scribble the Dragon’s Fang on your sibling’s door
16. Reorganize your RAFO cards
17. Look for the Waygate that opens up to the Tor offices thinking that you’ll be able to steal a copy of Towers of Midnight
18. Start your Wheel of Time costume for Halloween (I’m going to be a Tinker!)
19. Teach your dog to obey commands in the Old Tongue
20. Play Magic: The Gathering (Maybe the extra practice will give you the edge you need to beat Brandon on tour)
21. Practice your sword forms
22. Go to Starbucks and attempt to order kaf
23. Hunt down the remaining renegade Black Ajah
24. Attempt to trick your crush into a Seanchan marriage
25. Ignore me. You’re going to keep drinking and keep bloody gambling. No woman is going to walk into your life and start telling you what to do.

Laura Fitzgerald is the Internet Marketing Assistant at Tor Books and Sitter for the Ochre Ajah, an Ajah she made up while waiting for Towers of Midnight.  The Ochre Ajah is dedicated to improving the taste of muffins and other baked goods through the One Power.  They are currently accepting petitions from hopeful aspirants on the Tor Books Twitter.


Lord have mercy on me, a (geeky) sinner.

Relevant Reading
The Wheel of Time, wikipedia entry
Official Tor.com Website for Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time
Tor.com Towers of Midnight Newsletter
Brandon Sanderson, recipient of Jordan's mantle
Dragonmount, a WoT Community
Encyclopaedia WoT, exactly as named
I Have Read Towers of Midnight, a review from DM

God is Never Surprised!

...But boy I am!!

Today I got a piece of news that sent me to my knees in praise and thanksgiving. I'd been waiting for this for such a long time and was beginning to think it would never ever happen, but..It did! I was dancing and having such a good time. Everything was great.

Then it got better.

Tonight, I had another responsibility that I must take care of regularly and discovered that something was coming up that I had failed to anticipate (yes I know I am being overly circumspect). But the first wonderful thing would eliminate the need for me to do this anymore! Can you imagine how I felt when I realized that God had already known it was coming and took care of it for me? I'm almost in tears right now. God took care of this event that I didn't even know was coming before I needed to even ask!

God is so good to me! I love that He knows what is happening and what is going to happen and then makes it into something good in spite of whatever it is I am doing. He keeps His promises.

He keeps His promises.
He keeps His promises.
HE KEEPS HIS PROMISES.

Not because of anything I have done, but because He said He would. He told me not to be afraid and He would do all that I ask. He called me worthy. He said He would not abandon me, but would raise me up, never leave me and care for my child and me. He said He would give me a new name and that He delights in me. Years ago, when Gabriel was a baby in arms, He told me He delights in me and last year He told me He still does! I can read His promises He made to me and tell you the day and the hour that they were fulfilled.

I don't know why He cares for me like He does but I don't even want to question it. All I know is that He does and IS and that is enough for me.

I praise Thee, O God of our Fathers, I hymn Thee, I bless Thee, I give thanks unto thee for Thy great and tender mercy. To Thee I flee, O merciful and mighty God. Shine into my heart with the True Sun of Thy righteousness. Enlighten my mind and keep all my senses, that henceforth I may walk uprightly and keep Thy commandments, and may finally attain unto eternal life, even to Thee, Who art the source of life, and be admitted to the glorious fruition of Thine inaccessible Light. For Thou art my God, and unto Thee, 

O Father, Son and Holy Spirit, be ascribed glory, now and ever and unto ages of ages. Amen.

Thank you, Father! Thank you for the mercy you have had upon me, a sinner. Thank you!

Relevant Reading
Ruth 3:11
Isaiah 54
Isaiah 62
God's Been Good to Me!

His Mercy Endures Forever!

Praise the Lord, all you nations!

Extol him, all you peoples! 

For great is his steadfast love towards us,

and the faithfulness of the Lord endures for ever.

Praise the Lord! Alleluia!

Psalm 117

Chanted at St Mary Antiochian Orthodox Church

Letter in the Wake of Senseless Tragedy

Hello my girl,
I  wanted to say hi and tell you how much I miss you and that I hope your classes are going well and that you are having fun too.
But I also have to have a mommy moment-  bear with me here.  I won't take long, and I won't be saying anything I haven't already said in one form or another,  but it is important.

You may or may not have heard about the NJ college student who killed himself last week because his room-mate had posted videotape of him having sex with another guy.  A terrible, senseless tragedy.

My mommy job requires that I remind you of two essential things:
One:
Nothing ruins your life forever. NOTHING.
Two:
Nothing ruins your life forever. NOTHING. 

If that young man had only waited a couple of weeks nobody would have cared- he'd have gotten past it.  People have short memories- life would have gotten better, much better.  His parents and friends? They loved him prior to the tape- they would have loved him afterward too.  A few awkward moments and then life goes on. 

But when you are young you don't know that even the awkward moments are fleeting.  On this,  you just have to trust the old people.  Remember when you were really small and cried and cried over something?  Well,  it didn't last.  That's kind of what it's like- awful things happen, you feel like there's a rock in the pit of your stomach, somehow time goes by and it gets better.  I promise you, it ALWAYS gets better. 

The students, a girl and boy, who were involved in the taping and posting-- they are being charged with bias crime, invasion of privacy and possibly other things.  Their college life is over.  They will have to live with this death the rest of their lives-- and their families are devastated.  What they did was so wrong- but also so kid-stupid.  Not to mention mean. And so their lives will be different forever- but even so- their families will love them and they will have time enough to hopefully live in such a way as to make meaning from their mistake.

So, my beautiful girl,  never, ever think something is unfixable.  NOTHING you do will ever keep us from loving you.  NOTHING you do could be so awful you can't get past it. 

And if someone is mean to you, and it isn't something you can ignore-- seek out people to talk to about it.  Surround yourself with people who are supportive.  If you ever need help and don't know how to ask- try writing a letter instead.  And right now- before you might need such help- think about who you would talk to if needed.  In the midst of turmoil sometimes we don't always think as clearly- having a plan makes it easier to find help in crisis.  And remember there are always alternatives. Always.

Finally, don't be mean.  Don't let other people be mean. 
Stand up for the underdog, protect those who aren't as smart or confident or easygoing as yourself. 
Treat people's feelings like fragile little puppies- if you play with them- be gentle.

I love you so much and I know you really don't need me to tell you this stuff.... but it's my job.
Love and hugs,
Mommy

Vicki Bell's Blog

Holy Theotokos, I pray that I may always always always convey this to Gabriel. Nothing, nothing, nothing is ever that bad. As a kid and as an adult, I've been the victim of people who were mean and thoughtless and who have tried to make me feel like my life is worthless and that the world would be better without me. I know that being depressed and hurting and bleeding inside can skew your reasoning and make you believe that things would be better if you weren't there. It's not true. The trouble is that it's so hard to deal with those feelings alone. Holy mother, pray to God that as he grows older, Gabriel will know that he knows that he knows that he knows that he can come to me and I won't let him down. Pray that he will know that he can ask for your prayers and the prayers of his angel and all of the saints and that they will avail much. Most of all, let him know that he is loved and in spite of everything EVER, he will be loved.

And please pray for me, a sinner.