A Poem

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
~ Charles Bukowski

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Enough

Sometimes God just wants me to remember that.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

National Invisible Chronic Illness Week: How my Illness Affects my Morning

How I generally feel

I found out that this is "National Invisible Chronic Illness  Awareness Week".  To quote a friend, "At my house, every week is invisible illness week". Like her, I decided to use my blog to participate in raising awareness.  Today, I was going to write about how my invisible illness (fibromyalgia) affects my life at home. Then I decided that was too much and decided to concentrate on one part of my day; the morning.

I truly hate mornings. I think that all mornings should not begin until at least noon. But I'm getting ahead of myself

The thing about fibro is that sometimes I hurt. A lot. The pain varies but is generally pressure/nerve and joint related. What that means is that there are moments when I feel like my skin is on fire. The only way to describe it is that it feels exactly like you've fallen onto the sidewalk and skinned your hands. That same sort of burny feeling. Only it is under my skin and all over, not just on my hands. It's so bad sometimes that I really wish the world was clothing optional because wearing clothes hurts. A hug from my son hurts. Picking up things to put them away hurts. Laying in my bed hurts. Sitting down hurts. Standing up hurts because not even the bottom of my feet are spared.

Then there is the joint/muscle pain that really makes me want to cry because frankly you kind of have them all over your body. I think it is probably not right to be able to feel every joint as it articulates, every bone as it moves, and every muscle as it expands or contracts. One should simply not notice that sort of thing. It's just wrong. On top of all that is the fatigue and fogginess that comes from dealing with the pain, and not being able to truly rest because of the pain.

For me, the pain ebbs and flows. Praise God I have more good days than bad, but the bad days are truly not what I define as fun and sometimes these "flares" last for weeks on end until I feel like I am swimming in a salty sea with my raw nerves exposed, my muscles and joints protesting every stroke and so exhausted I can barely think my way out of a wet paper bag with directions on the side saying "KICK".

When I am feeling good, I wake up get dressed and proceed with my day.

When I am in the midst of a flare, I ascend slowly from a murky place that pretends to be sleep but isn't and wish I could levitate because (a) I slept poorly and I am exhausted, (b) I know I am going to have to move and (c) moving means I also have the great joy of standing on my feet (remember that pressure thing? Yeah). Then I move and the first words out of my mouth are generally, "Ow, dammit, pardon Lord," followed by me staring at the floor because next I have to stand up and walk to the bathroom. Sometimes I just lay back down and have a good cry and then start over again. LOL! Then I get up and mince to the bathroom, scaring my dog all the way because I'm muttering "Owowowowowowow" until I can sit down again. Usually by the time I get to the bathroom I'm not hanging onto the dresser and wall and I can straighten my right arm and flex my right hand without wanting to slice it off and my ankles have quit screaming at me. Sometimes my right ankle is swollen sometimes it's not. Just depends on how pissed it is at me for making it move and support me. Also during a flare, my hands feel like they are swollen to the size of small hams and are very tender although they look perfectly normal. My fingers don't hurt but thy feel tingly all the time and I'm constantly rubbing one hand over the other to check for the swelling I feel but no one can see.

You think I am kidding? I kid you not. You're my favorite goat. ~rimshot~

I try to keep my house "company ready" but I don't much go in for company because I honestly never know when I'm going to just poop out and need to get prone someplace. If I didn't feel much like cleaning the night before, I'll generally tidy the kitchen and make coffee. I can't stand a messy kitchen and coffee is an excellent vehicle for sugar, vanilla and whipped cream. I also eat something. Or try. Food in the morning makes me ill.

While the coffee is making I walk my dog because my doctor says I must exercise. When we get back, she drinks some water and I collapse on the floor and wish I was a jellyfish or something else that doesn't have muscles, joints and nerve-endings. I feel like one so I should be one, yes? Yes. God does not listen to this particular prayer of mine. I'm sure He has His reasons for not letting me become a jellyfish. He has not, however, seen fit to enlighten me.

It takes a few moments to get functional again but the exercise does help (if it doesn't throw me into a full blown flare, which doesn't really matter because I have to be functional at the very least no matter what; I am a mom after all, and I have a job). The exercise actually numbs me for some reason. If I do it right, I end up feeling...distant...all day but the pain is equally distant. I tried running but I stopped that nonsense and went back to walking after I couldn't climb the stairs without having to stop and breathe on the way up. I'm also sooo tired.

Showers hurt during a flare. The water feels like tiny pelts of gravel. If I don't shower I will stink so I shower cos I can't abide stinkiness, but it hurts like rolling in caltrops.

Getting dressed is fun. The worst part is unders. If I've walked hard enough, long enough, I'm actually numb enough to get dressed and slowly acclimate to my clothes touching me. Otherwise I experiment with new and exciting ways to not swear. Weekends during a flare mean my softest pjs, a tshirt and fluffy socks unless I leave the house. Weekdays mean I have to wear real clothes to work.

So that's my morning. Like I said, I have more good days than bad and for that I am grateful and feel blessed.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week
Fibromyalgia
Morning Coffee: National Invisible Chronic Illness Week

I See Nyan Cats...

I have two articles and a chapter to read for one class and two articles to read and a paper to write for another class. Meanwhile I sit here and thumb through My Life in Christ by St John of Kronstadt or play around on Facebook (Gardens of Time is a simply wonderful time-sink). I dunno why I am so unmotivated this semester. The light at the end of the tunnel is right there and it is definitely NOT a train. I mean, I can see daylight and trees and birds and cats made of poptarts farting rainbows.

I just can't seem to get started. I'm kind of camped out here on the ties, enjoying the view out there. Blargh. The term is onward and forward!

Then again, the 600 rode into the Valley of Death and the Mouth of Hell. Ai little-yappy-dogs.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner. And please help me with this paper. ARGH!


Relevant Reading
My Life in Christ, St John of Kronstadt
The Charge of the Light Brigade, Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Note to Self: Become Content but Not Complacent

I had this thought today and I do not want to forget it.

I don't advocate complacency, but to find contentment. There is a difference. 

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." 

 Contentment means being enough at peace with my current circumstances that the way out of it is not obscured by my anxiety about the situation. It is only with peace that I can think properly and see my way clear of an unhappy place. Anxiety/discontentment does not lead to clarity of thought or the ability to take proper action when the time comes.

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope and hope does not disappoint. 

Sometimes it just takes longer than we would like. 

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Philippians 4:6-7, 11-12
Romans 5:3-5

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Where would there be opportunities for struggling for great deeds if we were not occasionally injured by our neighbors, if they did not offend us? Where would there be opportunities for patiently bearing offenses, for meekness and humility? You see, then, that we must be tried by many and various evils in order to prove our virtue and be eventually crowned.

~ St. John of Kronstadt

There are days when I want to have a temper tantrum instead.

Just sayin'.


Holy St John, pray to God for me. 

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner. 

Choose Again

Aenea: "When I was a kid...and I knew that I'd have to go through some of this stuff...I was always wondering what message I was going to give humankind...I kept working on it trying to get it as short and important as the Sermon on the Mount. Then I realized that was no good...like trying to out-write Shakespeare--so I decided that my message should be shorter...I got my message down to thirty five words. Too long. Then to twenty seven. Still too long. After a few years, I had it down to ten. Still too long. Eventually I boiled it down to two words...Choose Again."

Raul: "Care to elaborate on that?"

Aenea: "No...but name a category and you get the idea."

Raul: "Religion."

Aenea: "Choose Again."

Raul: "Political systems."

Aenea: "Choose Again."

Aenea (& Raul Endymion), The Rise of Endymion, p 461-463

It will soon be time for me to Choose Again.

A couple of years ago, I threw myself off a cliff and followed where I truly believed the Lord was leading me and I ended up pursuing a Masters degree in Library Science. How I could go 20+ years without knowing I should be an academic librarian I will never know but I finally figured it out, praise God! I'm even thinking of pursuing a higher degree, not because I like school so darn much (although I do) but because there is so much more to learn about this subject and so many ways to apply it. Who knows? Maybe I will add PhD, LL.M (Master of Laws) or JD (Juris Doctor) behind my name in a couple of years.

Four years ago next month, I went to a Bible study and God promised me that in spite of the dramedy I was living through (and would continue to live through, YEESH!) at the time He would care for me and for Gabriel and make sure that we were safe and provided for. Over and over again He has provided for me, protected me, built me up and kept me from falling into traps. He did this by promising me what He would do and then letting me choose to follow His lead and then choose again to follow Him and to choose yet again to follow Him.

Some of what He encouraged  me to do (give up, leave behind, pursue, run from, fight against, hold close, kick to the curb like a used kleenex) scared me spitless. I praise Him for my friends and family who stood with me until I was able to choose again to do what I had already chosen to do in spite of my fears.

This particular part of my odyssey is almost over and I will choose again to follow where He leads me. There are so many more options available to me now than there were just a few years ago. I am more confident about myself and my choices than I have been in years and all because I've made it a point to "Choose Again" to follow God.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
The Hyperion Cantos
Isaiah 54
Ruth 3:11

Fibromyalgia

Definition:

Fibro - refers to fibrous tissues such as tendons and ligaments.

my - muscle

algia - pain

Fibromyalgia or Fibromyalgia Pain Syndrome (FMS) is a chronic pain condition, that can lead to exhaustion. There are many symptoms and also a connection with other health problems such as arthritis, CFS, thyroid, etc. 

Fibromyalgia affects men, women, and children. However, women between the age of 25 and 50 seem most affected (the ratio of women to men is 10 to 1). Children are often misdiagnosed as having growing pains or behavioral problems.

Diagnosis:

Fibromyalgia is diagnosed in two steps.

1. Other illnesses and conditions are ruled out using
1. a medical history and
2. laboratory tests.
2. Apply the criteria explain below. (In 1986, a committee of 24 doctors from medical centres across North America began a study to determine criteria for the classification of Fibromyalgia.)

• History of widespread pain (present for at least three months). Pain is considered widespread when it is felt in ALL of the following regions:

1. left side of the body
2. right side of the body
3. above the waist
4. below the waist
5. axil skeleton (cervical spine or anterior chest or thoracic spine or lower back). Shoulder and buttock pain is considered pain on the side or sides reported; 'lower back' is considered pain below the waist.

• Pain on digital palpitation in 11 of the 18 tender point sites (9 on each side) (see Figure).

For a tender point to be considered positive, the person MUST state that the palpitation was 'painful'. Digital palpitation should be performed with an approximate force of four kg. 

Musculoskeletal pain and fatigue experienced by Fibromyalgia patients is a chronic problem which tends to have a waxing and waning intensity. There is often a concern on the part of patients and sometimes physicians, that FMS is the early phase of some more severe disease, such as multiple sclerosis, systemic lupus esthematosus, etc. Long term follow up of Fibromyalgia patients has shown that it is very unusual for them to develop another rheumatic disease or neurological condition. However, it is quite common for patients with "well established" rheumatic diseases, such as rheumatoid arthritis, systemic lupus and Sjogren's Syndrome to also have Fibromyalgia. Patients with Fibromyalgia do not become crippled with the condition, nor is there any evidence it effects the duration of their expected life span. Nevertheless, due to varying levels of pain and fatigue, there is inevitable contraction of social, vocational and avocational activities which leads to a reduced quality of life.

Symptoms:

Fibromyalgia patients have widespread body pain which arises from their muscles. Some FMS patients feel their pain originates in their joints. Pain that emanates from the joints is called arthritis, extensive studies have shown FMS patients do not have arthritis. Although many Fibromyalgia patients are aware of the pain when they are resting, it is most noticeable when they use their muscles, particularly with repetitive activities. Their discomfort can be so severe it may significantly limit their ability to lead a full life. As a consequence of muscle pain, many FMS patients severely limit their activities including exercise routines. This results in their becoming physically unfit, which eventually makes their Fibromyalgia symptoms worse.

Generally people with Fibromyalgia state that they hurt all over, especially in the parts that are used the most. Stiffness, especially on waking, sleep disorders, irritable bowel syndrome (see separate sheet), irritable bladder syndrome, premenstrual syndrome, restless leg syndrome, headaches (especially migraines and tension headaches) (see separate sheet), muscle spasms, cold intolerance, TMJ, cognitive difficulties, numbness and tingling in the extremities are some of the symptoms. Other common symptoms include a decreased sense of energy, disturbances of sleep, and varying degrees of anxiety and depression related to patients' changed physical status.

There are significant similarities between Fibromyalgia and Myofascial Pain Syndrome. MPS is discussed in this booklet as well.

We do not know what causes Fibromyalgia. Many people pinpoint a time when the symptoms started, for example, after a trauma, such as a car accident. Others say that their symptoms came on gradually.

Treatment:

Treatment centers on the symptoms, not the illness.

In general, drugs used to treat musculoskeletal pain, such as aspirin, non-steroidals and cortisone are not particularly helpful in this situation. Also, routine use of sleeping pills such as Halcion, Restoril, Valium, etc. should be avoided as they impair the quality of deep sleep.

Low dosages of antidepressants are often used to treat pain and sleep disorders. Zostrix (capaiscin cream) is a prescription/over-the-counter cream which can be helpful to alleviate pain. It is made from natural ingredients from hot peppers and penetrates through the skin and into muscles.

If you have Fibromyalgia, decrease the amount of stress placed on the liver. If your liver isn't able to function properly, the body becomes more prone to pain, fatigue and allergic reactions. The juice of one half lemon, unsweetened in water, 20 minutes before breakfast daily, can help improve its function (if you have any pain that appears to originate from the gall bladder you may be reacting to the lemon).

Many people with Fibromyalgia may have problems with decreased oxygen flow to the muscles, resulting in lactic acid build-up which leads to pain. To help alleviate this the following can be used daily: B vitamin complex (50 mg once/twice daily), elemental calcium (citrate or aspartate, 1000-1200 mg/daily), magnesium (citrate or aspartate, 400-500 mg/daily), vitamin D (400-600 i.u.) and manganese (150 mg/daily). Apple cider vinegar (must say "pure" on label) can be helpful for reducing muscle pain, as it contains malic acid. Chronic muscle pain has been linked to heavy muscle toxicity with some people and malic acid has the ability to bind with these and carry them out of the body. Two teaspoons of vinegar daily is enough.

Feverfew is a natural pain reliever. It is especially helpful for migraine headaches. The pill form is usually taken (1-2, 125-150 mg up to four times daily) when needed. Although you may need to take it regularly if it does not help your pain. Caffeine may intensify pain. Decaffeinated tea or coffee also have other chemicals (other than caffeine) that can be harmful as well, so do not drink decaffeinated tea or coffee either.

Eat as close to a vegetarian diet as possible. There is arachidonic acid in meat that stimulates the production of inflammation and pain. Those with Fibromyalgia tend to be deficient in the essential fatty acids. Essential fatty acids act as natural anti-inflammatories. You can have your essential fatty acids tested at the Efamol Research Centre in the Coldbrook Industrial Park. If you have a requisition form from your physician the test is paid for through MSI. You may have to ask for the test to be read by a professional on site because many doctors are not able to interpret the results.

Flaxseed oil, borage oil, evening primrose oil are a few of the oils containing essential fatty acids. If you take evening primrose oil take either the marine blend or take cod liver oil with it because fish oil is required to help evening primrose oil work effectively.

If you suffer from digestive problems with Fibromyalgia you can take digestive enzymes containing amylase, protease and lipase (1-2 at each meal) or as needed.

Panax ginseng is good for increasing energy (25-50 mg/daily), but you should not take Panax ginseng if you are diabetic or suffer from hypertension.

Exercise according to the body's needs and ability. Overall, FMS patients must avoid impact loading exertion such as jogging, basketball, high-impact aerobics, etc. Low-impact aerobics such as regular walking, the use of a stationary exercycle and pool therapy utilizing an Aqua jogger (a floatation device which allows the user to walk or run in the swimming pool while remaining upright) seem to be the most suitable activities for FMS patients to pursue. Supervision by a physical therapist or exercise physiologist is of benefit wherever possible. In general, 20 minutes of physical activity, three times a week at 70% of maximum heart rate (220 minus your age) is sufficient to maintain a reasonable level of aerobic fitness.

Massage, hydrotherapy, physiotherapy, heat, and rest are of benefit. None cure Fibromyalgia but give much needed relief from pain.

Massage assists the removal of waste from muscles, while increasing blood and nutrient flow. This results in a greater availability of oxygen to cells.

Massage is useful for those with Fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia affects all of the major systems (circulatory, respiratory, lymphatic, digestive, immune and endocrine) of the body and all of these systems respond favorably to massage. That means massage helps move a person towards wellness.

Hydrotherapy, a part of some physiotherapy clinics, has been used since the 1930's to address a wide variety of conditions. You may be able to join an aquatic (aerobic in the water) program at your community center. Hydrotherapy gives people benefits such as gravity-free exercise, local heat and massage, relaxation and pain management.

Particularly painful areas often may be helped for a short time (2-3 months) by tender point injections. This involves injecting a tender point with a local anesthetic (usually 1% Procaine) and then stretching the involved muscle with a technique called spray and stretch. It should be noted the injection of a tender point is quite painful (indeed, if it is not painful the injection is seldom successful). After the injection, there is typically a 2-4 day lag before any beneficial effects are noted.

Well that explains a few things.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

He Sees

One day, while he was teaching, Pharisees and teachers of the law were sitting nearby (they had come from every village of Galilee and Judea and from Jerusalem); and the power of the Lord was with him to heal. Just then some men came, carrying a paralysed man on a bed. They were trying to bring him in and lay him before Jesus; but finding no way to bring him in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and let him down with his bed through the tiles into the middle of the crowd in front of Jesus. When he saw their faith, he said, ‘Friend, your sins are forgiven you.’ Then the scribes and the Pharisees began to question, ‘Who is this who is speaking blasphemies? Who can forgive sins but God alone?’ When Jesus perceived their questionings, he answered them, ‘Why do you raise such questions in your hearts? Which is easier, to say, “Your sins are forgiven you”, or to say, “Stand up and walk”? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins’—he said to the one who was paralysed—‘I say to you, stand up and take your bed and go to your home.’ Immediately he stood up before them, took what he had been lying on, and went to his home, glorifying God.
Luke 5:17-25 (all emphasis mine)

The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective.
James 5:16 

Someone asked me recently why I pray to the saints. My response is that their faith is so much greater than mine. Their prayers are right there, before the Lord. "In His face" so to speak. The faith of the saints is visible to Him and mine is so small and weak sometimes. I don't pretend to be a giant of faith because I know very well that I am not. I have so many doubts and misunderstandings that sometimes I am fairly certain my prayers just rebound off the ceiling. Knowing I don't have to rely only upon myself but can call upon the collective prayers of these holy ones makes me feel so much more secure when things in my life go awry, or I can't control what is going on.

I ask for the prayers of the Theotokos for my son, especially when he is away from me. I ask for her prayers and that of his patron and guardian angel, the Archangel Gabriel, for his safety, protection and guidance. I always pray for him to love God and the Church and for him to know that he always has a place he can call home. I ask for her prayers for myself also, so that I will be a good mother and that she would keep me ever before God.I ask for her prayers for my family and friends as well. I don't recite what I think God should do for them or anything but lift their names up for Him to remember in His kingdom and for the Theotokos to remember them in her prayers as well.

There are saints whose stories resonate with me and I see how they lived their lives and know how inadequate I am in comparison. I don't know if I would be able to watch my son be put to a painful death without compromising or face some of the horrors the saints faced without "looking back". These days I get put out by a faulty internet connection or my a/c going out, let alone having my skin pulled off in strips or hot irons applied to my body. So I ask for their prayers because they truly did finish the course well. And don't get me wrong, I ask my mom and grandmother and great-grandmother to pray for me, because they, too, are in that great cloud of witnesses!

I guess I no longer understand the point of view that asking the saints to pray for me is "idolatry". I mean, is it idolatry to ask my friend or priest to pray for me? (James 5:16) Are we not all a part of the great communion of saints, known and unknown? (Nicene Creed)  Is not God the God of the living? (Mark 12:27, Luke 20:38) Do they not witness us in a great cloud? (Hebrews 12:1) For me the answer is an obvious and resounding YES. And so I ask for their prayers because I need them.

When Christians depart this life, they aren't separated from the Church, they are still part of the Body of Christ. They are alive with the Lord in heaven (Hebrews 12:23), worshiping God (Revelation 4:10) and inhabit His heavenly dwelling places (John 14:2).We join them communion with the saints in our worship of God (Hebrews 12:22). And we should imitate them in running "the race that is set before us" (Hebrews 12:1). Rejecting or ignoring the saints is simply a denial that those who have died in Christ are still part of His Holy Church. 


Holy saints of God, pray to God for us!

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
Mark 12:27
Luke 5:17-25
Luke 20:38
John 14:2 
Hebrews 12:1
Hebrews 12:22-24
James 5:16 
Revelation 4:10
Prayer to the Saints
Canonization

Synaxis of the Archangel Gabriel

 

Kontakion in the Fourth Tone

As thou beholdest the glory of God in Heaven, and on earth dost bestow grace from on high, O leader of Angels, wise Gabriel, minister of the glory of God, and divine defender of the world, save and keep my son, I cry to thee: Be thyself his helper, and no one can be against him.

Gabriel is the great Messenger of God. He brought news to Daniel in Babylon; he brought the news of John the Forerunner's impending birth to Zacharias in the temple; he brought the news of Christ's impending birth to the Theotokos; he announced the birth of Christ to the shepherds; he was the young man clad in white who sat on the stone and announced the resurrection to the women disciples of the Lord; and is believed to be the angel who will sopund the trumpet heralding Christ's return in the Last Days. Tradition holds that he announced the birth of the Theotokos to her parents, too. Gabriel brings Good News whenever he shows up!

In iconography, Gabriel always "wears blue or white and he holds either a lily (representing the Theotokos), a trumpet, a shining lantern, a branch from Paradise presented to him by the Theotokos, or a spear in his right hand and often a mirror—made of jasper and with a Χ (the first letter of Christ (Χριστος) in Greek)—in his left hand." He doesn't carry a sword; he is the angel who is charged with proclaiming salvation to mankind not war.

There are a number of feast days for the Archangel Gabriel on the Church's calendar: 26 March which is the day after the Annunciation, today (13 July) and 8 November, the day all the Archangels are feasted. Since I have an angel living with me, I try to remember all his feast days!

A blessed feast day of the 
Archangel Gabriel to my son! 
God grant him many more years!!

Relevant Reading

The Prologue from Ochrid

OCA - Feasts & Saints: Archangel Gabriel