It's That Time Again

Memory Eternal Mom

May 3, 1932 - January 22, 1995

 Remember also, O Lord, all those who have fallen asleep and reposed in the priesthood and in the order of laity. Graciously, O Lord, repose all their souls in the bosom of our holy fathers Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, sustain them in a green pasture, by the water of rest in the paradise of joy, the place our of which grief, sorrow and groaning have fled away in the light of your saints.

Those, O Lord, and everyone whose names we have mentioned, and those whose names we have not mentioned, those whom each one has in mind, and those who are not in our minds, those who have fallen asleep and reposed in the faith of Christ, graciously, 

O Lord, remember the souls of your servants. Amen.

This is the woman who taught me how to be Full of Awesome. She didn't call it that, but that is what she taught me. I forgot those lessons for a while but I am slowly relearning these lessons. Some of those lessons include:

• Never lie to yourself.
• Never pretend to be something you are not.
• Remember what you are and who you came from.
• Fear God, honor the [President], love those around you.

I think she got it right. There are one or two things she did that I learned not to do, but that does not take away from what she taught me to do and who she raised me to be. I stopped being that person for a long time and I still have not come back fully to that, but I have found the path again. I hope I have not disappointed her too much with my little side trips. She did warn me. I didn't listen. I used to bed good at not listening. I've learned better. When someone tells you not to do something...sometimes it's best to listen.

After all, she loved me.

Thank you, mom. Stand with the Theotokos and pray to God for me and mine.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
1 Peter 2:13-17
Waking Up Full of Awesome

Note to Self...

He said to them, "Why are you afraid? Have you still no faith?"
~ Mark 4:40

I am such a coward about my life. ~ sigh~ I've always been afraid of getting IT wrong--whatever IT may be. I need to quit that. It's not doing me any good.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner

The Panda Story (As Requested)

Just to set the background...I am an only child. I have multiplicitous cousins but we are very close in age and so I never really learned about babies. If there was a baby nearby, there was also a mother nearby. If the baby cried or did something stinky or gross, I gave it back. I also never babysat as a teenager; I worked for my mom and grandfather's catering business when I needed money. So my knowledge of babies and their ways, and what to expect when I acquired my own, was limited to sitcoms and watching the occasional cousins raise theirs from a distance. When we found out about Gabriel I was thrilled but also a little apprehensive. However, I figured I could read all about it. There are like a BILLION books about raising babies out there, right? And I had my aunts and mother-in-law too, right?

So Gabriel was born at the end of June.

Rewind to about the first or second week in March. I was at home doing some random stuff and watching a documentary on pandas in China. The story was about how the scientists are trying to raise the panda population because pandas are just not into sex. They would much rather eat some bamboo, and inspect their toes, and think deep panda thoughts--which do not involve sex.

There was this one girl panda the scientists had been trying to get pregnant for a LONG time. I don't remember her name but she was about 15 years old and apparently very happy in her cublessness. They tried everything to get her interested in the mating thing but she wasn't having it. She was quite content. Then one day, they put her in a nice open pen with a male panda while she was in estrous. 

It was hilarious. In a scene lasting a good 5-7 minutes (probably edited together), the boy panda wandered over, gave her a sniff, and then moseyed off to eat some bamboo. She just sat there (on her relevant parts I might say) munching. When she got up and ambled over to sample another pile of bamboo, boy panda heaved a huge sigh, thought for a moment, then followed her. She was in the right position after all. He clambered up and then they just sort of stood there, chewing. After a moment she sat down again, he slid off and they both sat there eating bamboo. The scientists (who were watching because panda porn is just that hot) groaned. So they separated the the two red-hot lovers and decided to use the turkey-baster method. After a couple tries they finally got her pregnant. She was NOT happy about this (I can totally relate, my panda sistah). She had been a very happy panda to this point and she did not appreciate getting knocked up by a turkey-baster (of all things). Even the scientists talked about how offended she seemed by the whole thing. She had once been a fairly easy-going girl and now she was GRUMPY. LOL!

Finally, she was ready to give birth. They had created a "cave" at the facility for her to give birth in. She grumpily went into the "cave" and got ready to give birth. There was lots of bamboo there to pacify her.

God, in His infinite wisdom and sense of humor, has decreed that when baby pandas are born, they shoot out of their mama at a high rate of speed and slam into the nearest hard object which pops out the mucus plugs in their nose and mouth and startles them into breathing. This happened. Mama panda growled and was not pleased, but there was some bamboo nearby so she consoled herself by munching on a few stalks. The look on her face said, "Okay, that's done."

God, in His infinite wisdom and sense of humor, has also decreed that when baby pandas are born and can breathe, they make this horribly annoying, really loud, ratcheting noise. The noise is supposed to kick start some hormone in the mother panda and make her scoop up the baby and love him and stroke him and keep him and call him George. This baby made the noise and mama panda stopped chewing and stared at it. Baby made the noise again and mama panda kind of eased over away from the baby, never taking her eyes off of it in case it did something besides lie there like a newborn panda. She also never stopped chewing. Baby made the noise one more time and mama panda LEFT the room and never went back. Baby panda had to be raised like an orphan by the scientists. I'm thinking several years of therapy will be in that baby panda's future. 

Mama panda, however, was happily munching bamboo halfway across the compound. The scientists left her alone after that.

Fast forward about 4 months. Gabriel is less than a month old and in that month I think I might have slept an average of half an hour a night. I was feeling really wretched and icky. I loved my baby but good grief I felt horrid. So one day I'm sitting on the living room floor, folding laundry. Gabriel is in the swinging chair and we seem to be doing alright when suddenly he makes this noise. It was horrible. It was annoying. It was loud. It was ratcheting. I dropped the underwear I was folding and stared at him. He made the noise again. It was louder, more annoying, and more ratcheting. I backed up against the sofa and stared at him. He made the noise a third time, and I seriously considered leaving the room, the house, and the state. 

In that moment, I totally identified with that panda.

Orthogals' First Book Giveaway!

Okay, ladies and gents, Orthogals has a rather exciting announcement to make.  This week they’re having their very first giveaway, sponsored by Ancient Faith Publishing.

Some of you may remember AFP when it was called Conciliar Press.  They’ve published many classics and favorites, including Frederica Mathewes-Green and Fr. Patrick Henry Reardon.  I remember poring over the Conciliar Press catalogue as a kid the way my ancestors read Sears-Roebuck before Christmas.  They have books and e-books, music, jewelry, icons, greeting cards, all sorts of pretty things. 

Ancient Faith Ministries is also the organization behind Ancient Faith Radio, which offers both music and podcasts.  At this point they’re averaging over 600,000 podcast downloads a month from over 150 different countries, which is kind of stunning.  Their music streaming has saved my sanity more than once, especially if I was home sick on a feast day or trying to work/study while keeping a taste of Lent around.

And the really cool news?  They want to give you books.

A Patristic Treasury

The writings of the Church Fathers are regularly lauded but rarely read, partly because their sheer volume is so daunting. Yet they constitute the “first story” of the Christian faith, built upon its apostolic foundation, which we ignore at our peril. Patristic scholar James Payton has made the Fathers easily accessible by selecting passages that are devotionally stimulating, doctrinally thought-provoking, or epigrammatically striking. With his help, the average Christian can find stimulation, comfort, challenge, and inspiration in the Church Fathers.

  

The Scent of Holiness

Every monastery exudes the scent of holiness, but women’s monasteries have their own special flavor. Join Constantina Palmer as she makes frequent pilgrimages to a women’s monastery in Greece and absorbs the nuns’ particular approach to their spiritual life. If you’re a woman who’s read of Mount Athos and longed to partake of its grace-filled atmosphere, this book is for you. Men who wish to understand how women’s spirituality differs from their own will find it a fascinating read as well.

  

Words for Our Time

The twentieth-century elder Abba Matta of Egypt, known in the West as Matthew the Poor, is widely regarded as the greatest Egyptian elder since St. Antony the Great. …Abba Matta had a marvelous ability to communicate the deepest spiritual truths in the simplest and most practical language, making them accessible to laypeople as well as monastics. He speaks to the heart rather than the head, gently exhorting the reader to pursue a deeper life in Christ. To read these talks is to sit at the feet of one of the greatest spiritual teachers of our age.

So here’s the drill:

You can enter 3 ways.  First, comment on the original post at Orthogals and give the title of the book (or gift) you like best from AFP’s website.  For the second entry, like Orthogals on Facebook (or already-have-liked us).  And the third entry comes from (publicly) sharing this post on Facebook or your blog. After you like us on FB and share the post, leave a separate comment for each action.

In other words, a person who comments on the Orthogals blog with their favorite AFP book will get one entry. If she then likes the Orthogals FB page,  she should leave another comment saying she did so; this will get her a second entry. And if she shares a link to this giveaway on her blog or FB wall, she should leave a final comment for her third entry with the URL.

The contest closes Sunday night (10/20/13) at 11:59pm.  The 3 winners will be declared a week from today and notified via the email given when commenting.  The winners will have 2 days to claim their prize before we pick an alternate.  Each person can only win one book.

Good luck!

Relevant Reading
Orthogals: Because Dating is Hard
Orthogals on Facebook
Ancient Faith Publishing
Ancient Faith Radio

Prayer Changes "Things"? No, Prayer Changes ME

A Facebook friend of mine wrote the following today and I think it bears repeating:

"I came across a post for a group called, "Prayer Changes Things". As I paused to consider what that really means, it occurred to me prayer does not just change things or make things better, but in a real sense changes us. 

When we pray for our enemies; those who hate and despise us, those who have taken things we valued or loved; when we speak those names as we ask God to bless them, it is our heart that softens. 

When we pray daily, we are continually confronted with names that when uttered brought pain, rejection, shame, bitterness. However, as we remain faithful those names become a source of love and empathy. We begin to see others as no different than ourselves; hurt, sinful beings craving acceptance and love." ~ Petros H. Thorp

I have found this to be so very true.

In Orthodoxy, one doesn't tell God what to do about the people we pray for. The formula is, "Please remember in Your Kingdom {insert name here}". This comes only after praying for forgiveness for our own sins and a declaration that I, like St Paul said, am the chiefest of sinners. Anything someone else has done to me I have done and more. Hearing the names of those I can barely look at coming from my lips points up to me that God loves them too, and He will deal with their sin just as He will deal with mine. And neither of us has sinned against each other, but against Him, and His is the only opinion that counts. 

Realize I am speaking in ideal terms here. Great pain and all that goes along with it is just as hard to give up as great pleasure sometimes. It becomes an old friend and a comfortable place to be. The thing is, that pain will become an anchor holding you back from anything else good that is out there for you. The more you pray for those who have caused that pain, the more links of the chain holding the anchor get drawn up. Each time their name parts your lips, the chain moves, lifting that anchor higher until it is finally out of the water.

And then you go to work on the other anchors.

Christ said, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

It's hard work. Yes, work. It's one of the many works God has for us to do as we work out our salvation in fear and trembling. Salvation is free but it requires our participation. It isn't cheaply given fire insurance. It's an investment and the principle in that investment is our whole life.

So I suck it up and say the names. The first time it happened, I did it out of nothing but pure obedience. My Spiritual Father told me I had to do it so I did it. Obedience is better than sacrifice, right?

I puked afterward. Literally. And I swore that wasn't going to happen again. Food should stay down. When it comes back up it hurts. I was NOT doing that again if this was the result.

I lied. I did it again a few days later. My stomach roiled but everything stayed down, praise God. A few months  later (read that as years, but years are made of months so it's technically true), I could do it without even a hint of nausea. Go me.

I cannot say that I enjoy it. I'd rather do many other things but just praying the names of those who have hurt me so badly has lanced and begun to drain that wound. Infection will kill you from the inside out. And prayer is way less painful in the long run than any solutions I have come up with late at night, up to and including hiring Boba Fett or a Drow mercenary force. (Dark elves will do anything if the price is right.)

I digress.

St Nikolai Velimirovic said it best:

My
 enemies have taught me to know what hardly anyone knows, that a person has no enemies in the world except himself.
One hates his enemies only when he fails to realize that they are not enemies, but cruel friends.
It is truly difficult for me to say who has done me more good and who has done me more evil in the world: friends or enemies.
Therefore bless, O Lord, both my friends and my enemies.
A slave curses his enemies, for he does not understand.
But a son blesses them, for he understands.
For a son knows that his enemies cannot touch his life.
Therefore he freely steps among them and prays to God for them.
Bless my enemies, O Lord.
Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
1 Timothy 1:12-16
Matthew 6:9-15
Ephesians 2:8-10
Philippians 2:12-15
The Spiritual Father in Orthodox Christianity
St. Nikolai Velimirovic
The Enemy Within
Thorp Studios

Fear is the Mind Killer

I must not fear.

Even Battle Hamsters recite the Litany
Shamelessly lifted from Red Wombat Studio

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain
The Bene-Gesserit Litany Against Fear

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love."

~ 1 John 4:18

"...I remind you to rekindle the gift of God that is within you through the laying on of my hands; for God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline."

~ 2 Timothy 1:6-7

Relevant Reading
Dune, Frank Herbert
The Bene Gesserit
The Litany Against Fear

Dammit, I'm not Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl!

Kate Winslet as Clementine

 "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours." ~ Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind






I've had quite enough of being the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Too many guys have assigned me that role in their life and I've allowed it. I'm done with that crazy. 

Look, I'm a mess, too. Try being my Manic Pixie Dream Boy for half a minute and you will see how frakkin' insulting that role is. 

I will not complete you.

I will not show you the magic inherent in the universe. 

I will piss you off, hope you think, make you angry, enjoy things you don't, and do things you don't like, understand or approve of. And I probably won't care that you don't like, understand or approve of them. Much. 

This does not mean I don't love you.

Welcome to being a grown up in a grown up relationship.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Manic Pixie Dream Girl - TV Tropes
Manic Pixie Dream Girl - Wikipedia
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Do You Trust God? Prolly Not.

We had a celebrity of sorts as guest priest at church. Fr Joseph Honeycutt is "a priest of the Antiochian Archdiocese, is the Dean of the East Texas Deanery in the Diocese of Wichita and Mid-America and the Pastor of St Joseph Orthodox Church in Houston, Texas." He's a good friend of Fr Nicholas' and he visits All Saints fairly often. Sometimes he delivers the homily. Yesterday was one of those days. Fr Joseph's topic was trusting God, based on the text for yesterday, Matthew 9:1-8 but also drawing from the previous two Sundays' readings in Matthew, 8:5-13 and 8:28-34.

He opened with this question, "Do you trust God?"

Seeing as I was sitting in the choir section at church and pretty much kinda sorta had to be honest, I think my answer is, "Not all the time." And this in spite of all the random crap, self-inflicted and otherwise, that He has brought me through.

Ungrateful much? Yeah.

I think the hard part about that trusting God thing (aka "faith") is that we get all sorts of screwy messages from outside. Some folks like to say having faith in God means that He's going to wave a magic wand and give you health, wealth, and happiness all the days of your life. They say this in spite of all the Biblical evidence to the contrary, by the way, but they do say it. Then when life happens (and it does, unless you are dead) and that mountain you've been speaking to doesn't hurl itself in to the sea but rather falls on your head, they tell you your faith was "obviously not strong enough" or that you must have some "hidden sin" that prevented God from doing what your faith was supposed to make Him do.

Recipe for loss of faith right there by the way.

That isn't what faith is. It's not a way to force God to do anything because, just as He honors our free will, our faith proves that we honor His. Salvation is a symbiotic relationship. We work with Him. He doesn't work for us. Working with Him means realizing that His will is not only pre-eminent and omniscient, but benevolent towards those of us who have faith regardless of what it looks like.

A lot of the time His benevolent will looks like this:

Christ carrying His Cross

It's hard and it's painful and it leads to something that is awful.

How awful?

Pretty damn.

But on the other side of that pretty damn awful something is my salvation, which is worth so much more than any fleet of Jaguars, exclusive neighborhoods, and designer suits I could ever think about owning, wearing, or living in. What the heck is my trust in a Jaguar going to get me? Not a lot, but trust in God, true faith, brings salvation of my eternal soul.

Christ healing the paralytic
 http://www.icons.dumitrunicusor.com

I know for a fact though, that I am weak in this area. I mean really, truly smaller than a mustard seed with that issue here. That is when the Church steps up and becomes the Great Ark of Salvation, carrying me along on the prayers and faith of others until I can do it, too. This is what the Church is for: to remind us to trust God by providing that trust through the faith of others on our behalf. Christ sees the faith of those who carry me to Him when I am weak and heals me.

Christ healing the Centurion's servant
http://www.icons.dumitrunicusor.com

Then He sends me to do my part in the Ark. Finding out about and telling Him about those who are too weak to come to Him on their own, as the Roman Centurion did, as the friends of the paralytic did. It's not just because of that person's faith by itself or because of my own faith by itself, but because He sees the faith of the ARK, of the Church, and helps that person's weakness on all of our behalf. Faith is something you can see by the way. It's not some amorphous something that is indefinite. Faith is proven by what you DO. Faith without works is dead. It's totally in the Bible.

This is why Orthodox pray "through the prayers of the Theotokos" or "through the prayers of the Holy Fathers". Their prayers avail much. They are still in the Ark, still carrying us all along with them. They have achieved what we wish to achieve and they are part of this great journey to God. I do not have to find salvation by myself. That's silly. My path is my own but I am not walking it alone. The light shines on my way through the prayers of all those who are here with me and all those who have gone ahead.

So why do I lose my trust in God's benevolent will? Or not have any at all at times?

Honest and for true? Because I keep wanting my own way, and my own stuff, in my own time. And that is not faith in God. It is idolatry. Idols, however, are not alive. They can't do anything because, frankly, they aren't living and have no power to affect anything. That idol of myself as ruler of what amounts to a teeny tiny speck that is not even a dot on the grand scale of the universe is about as effectual as a sieve against the tide. Less so.

When I get into the Ark though, and join in the prayers of my fellow sailors, we can plow through the tide together with Christ at the helm.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Orthodixie
Matthew 8:5-13
Matthew 8:28-34
Matthew 9:1-8

Your Arms Are Too Short to Box With God

 Not too long ago I was content. Peaceful. Now I am not. I am not quite sure what happened to change that but I certainly am not happy it happened. I fought long and hard to get to that place and I am pretty darn sure I don't want to leave it behind for a mess o'pottage. Whatever pottage is, it can't possibly be as good as being content and sure of where I stand in my circumstances.

I think that I've begun to rest on my laurels. God has proven to me over the past few years that He will not suffer a lot of nonsense from me. He allows me to have a moment here and there but He isn't going to allow me to give what is rightfully His to another...anything. Another man, another circumstance, another job, another paycheck. Nothing. He has declared Himself and He will not be argued with. He is my source and none other.

Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; do not be discouraged, for you will not suffer disgrace; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the disgrace of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your Husband, Lord of hosts is His name; the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is. 

~Isaiah 54:4-5

The Lord has sworn by his right hand and by his mighty arm: "I will not again give your grain to be food for your enemies,and foreigners shall not drink the wine for which you have laboured; but those who garner it shall eat it and praise the Lord, and those who gather it shall drink it in My holy courts."  

~ Isaiah 62:8-9

No. He will not be argued with. Much. Then again, arguing with God is like fighting the tide.

And in spite of having ridiculously long arms, even my arms are too short to box with God. He has reminded me of that, putting me in my place and telling me to

Remember the wonderful works He has done, his miracles, and the judgments He has uttered...

~ Psalm 105:5

So yeah, I don't have a lot to be discontented about. He has blessed me beyond blessing. Not in ways that most people could see (although some things He has done have been really pretty darn spectacular) but mostly He just makes sure things got done, quietly and without fanfare.

So where is my discontent next to that? How utterly faithless of me, really, to think He would bring me this far and then kick me to the curb like a piece of used Kleenex.

The Lord is faithful, even when I am not.

Especially when I am not. He has His Name to keep up with after all. (Especially since us Christian types tend to drag it through the mud on a regular basis.)

I totally need to keep all of that in mind. Especially when the wind and the rain kicks up.

I totally need to quit being an idiot. Panic does not become a woman called "worthy" by God and His people. (Ruth 3:11)

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Psalm 105
The Prodigal Son, by James Weldon Johnson
Isaiah 54
Isaiah 62
Ruth

Pain and Frustration

Theotokos Softener of Evil Hearts

I watched the speech President Obama gave re: Trayvon Martin. Then I made the mistake of reading the comments (always a mistake) on a news website. I have no idea how I have missed the pure hatred and disregard people in this country have for the lives and experiences of those whose skin is brown.

I need to go hug my boy again. This is horrible.

One day some fool with a gun might see my boy walking down the street and blow him away because he doesn't look like he belongs.

 I HATE this. What is WRONG with people? Oh wait, now I remember...

Oh God! Save thy people and bless thy inheritance!

Soften our evil hearts, O Theotokos, and quench the attacks of those who hate us and loose all straitness of our soul. For looking on thy holy icon we are filled with compunction by thy suffering and loving-kindness for us and we kiss thy wounds; we are filled with horror for the darts with which we wound thee. Let us not, O Mother of Compassion, according to the cruelty of our hearts, perish from the cruelty of heart of those near us, For thou art in truth the Softener of Evil Hearts.

We cry out with heartfelt emotion to the chosen Virgin Mary, far nobler than all the daughters of the earth, Mother of the Son of God, Who gave salvation to the world: Look at our life which is filled with every sorrow and remember the sorrow and pain which thou didst suffer as one born on earth with us, and do with us according to thy merciful heart, that we may cry unto thee: Rejoice, much-sorrowing Mother of God, turn our sorrows into joy and soften the hearts of evil men!

Relevant Reading

Akathist to the Theotokos Softener of Evil Hearts
Obama Trayvon Martin Speech - Transcript

The Six Decisions That Could Have Saved Trayvon Martin's Life
Site where I should have remembered not to read the comments