Note to Self

Sometimes getting from Point A to Point B involves a trip around the back end of Points Q through Y. May as well enjoy the view because nothing is going to change right now.

The Voiceless Heard

I lose my voice for several days every winter. Not sure why and I rarely if ever feel "sick" with it except for a tender feeling throat. It's almost like clockwork, too. Cold weather sets in and my voice goes to the South Pacific.

Someone said to me, "My mom lost her voice every winter too...do you feel voiceless elsewhere in yor life? I mean, that's personal and don't answer, but it's occurred to me that my mom did and it manifested itself physically."

I've been thinking about that and I have to admit that it is true. Very often I do not feel heard. In the past three years or so, it's been hammered home time and again that my words mean nothing to certain people. No matter what I say or feel, they truly believe that it isn't important and doesn't count. In fact my son recently said to me that his father told him that schoolwork I assign him "doesn't count". Talk about being undermined. Many times I am told point blank that I didn't even say what I know I said and that I agreed to something I know I did not. I think the applicable term here is "crazy-making".

I'm slowly coming to understand that I've given "them" far too much power over me. I've been living by their law, looking for their approval, hoping to make them notice that I am or am not...whatever it is they think I am. If anything. For some reason I've forgotten that I am freed from all that and am not obligated to live by those rules and regs any longer. I'm not under that controlling influence, that law anymore.

Perhaps, as I recall this, I will regain my voice.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

My Dog Thinks I'm Crazy

I've started exercising in the morning and poor Chelsea is a little discombobulated. She sticks her face in my face when I am low enough, she whines, she lays down and stares, she puts her paw on me in her "stop" position, she sits on me. I seriously think she is concerned about me doing these strange movements.

I think that is what bothers a lot of people when you genuinely try to do something new with God. Or what seems new to them. They get in your face. They stare. They whine. They try to stop you anyway they can. They tell you everything you are doing wrong and point out where you fail to live up to your own words and desires...

It's quite amusing really. You see, they just think I'm crazy.

I know I'm crazy. I know I'm no saint. I know I fall short daily, hourly, second by second I fall short. And yet I keep on trying. I must be nuts!

As a sign in a car I saw once said, "I may be messy and misplace things, but that's okay because nobody dies from it and God still loves me."

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

I Hereby Resolve...

...To make no more resolutions. I will however be doing a lot of maturing in the near future. Flying by the seat of my pants is not an option anymore. I have Gabriel, school, work and home to manage. I have to step up to the plate now and do what needs doing with no luxury for complaining.

If I was going to have some resolutions however, I think the following should be sufficient:

"Aim at righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called.... Keep the commandment unstained and free from reproach until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ."

1 Tim 6:11-16

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

This Christmas

I was so blessed this holiday. I was set to not have my son and spend a lot of time alone but things changed.

Gabriel was scheduled to spend time with his father this year for Christmas. At the last minute, they decided not to go out of town and so we were able to spend Christmas Eve and morning together. We woke up early to open gifts and then went to liturgy where he played a shepherd in the nativity play.
Then we went to a friend's house so he could play and then I took him to his father so he could spend time over there. He's gone to his grandparents for the rest of this week now.

After I dropped him off, I went back to have supper with my friends. Oh my goodness! The food was so good! The company gave it that extra bit of "oomph" though. Conversation flowed like water and hugs and laughter abounded. Some of us girls even played dress-up and took pictures. LOL! I haven't had so much fun at Christmas in YEARS!

It made me think a lot about what "Christmas" is supposed to be. I have friends who do not celebrate the holiday for many reasons: it's materialistic, it's pagan, it's stupid. I think however the reason that really made me think was when a friend said, "We get all worked up over a single day but that single day can never measure up to the expectations we build for ourselves and have foisted on us by Madison Avenue. It just leads to all kinds of depression and loneliness and anger. What kind of "christian" holiday is that?"

Last year I wrote about how Christmas and the Feast of the Nativity According to the Flesh of Our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ differ to me. They are very different and they leave very different tastes in my mouth after they end. Gathering with family and friends to feast, fellowship and even exchange gifts is never a bad thing, you know. I am so blessed to be able to do it regularly (except for the gifts part).

Maybe God didn't ordain this holiday and maybe it does have some questionable trappings but does that mean we should not celebrate the Nativity of Our Lord at all? I question that. I mean, even the angels celebrated His birth and I think that they know a little bit about what is acceptable before God. After all, they are in His presence a bit more regularly than I am (and I blush to admit that).

Anyway, glory to God that He made this holiday time more than I would ever expect or imagine.



Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Luke 2:8-20

A Feminist Understands Why I Cover!

Why can't other folk??? ~smile~

When I recently launched one of my books on French television, the Parisian publisher told me the following (and I'm not lying to you, I may add, this is the actual truth): ' -- I couldn't care less what you say about women and feminism and all that stuff, as long as you remember to say that your book is incredibly pornographic and ... to be decolletee, and ...' The publisher looked with uncertainty at my hat and finally continued: -- 'and you can not wear anything on your head, people should be able to see your hair.'

Needless to say, I didn't follow his directives -- except for the last one: I agreed to bare my head. However, I'm not very keen on doing so. Hair is a gender characteristic for women, as sure as bald women are more handicapped and wounded in their gender identification than are bald men. Hence I'm surprised that so many women are bare-headed and expose their hair without a second thought. I feel that without hat or headgear you are without modesty. Without a hat, you become vulnerable to unwanted intimacy. The proof is that you are always asked -- in season and especially out of season -- to take off your hat, never your mitts or shoes. Wearing a hat, covering your head with a cap or veil, scarf or turban has something to do with your dignity and integrity. But also with modesty and humility vis-a-vis the cosmic forces. At the same time it also offers protection because, if there is nothing between head and heaven, you risk your brain mass evaporating into the universe! It is necessary to place a lid on the pot in order to condense the contents!

Not wearing headgear is a manifestation of thoughtless pride: as if you can commune with the heavens, just like that, without devotions. That's why in most countries you would not dream of entering a church without first covering your head.

And that's why the Jews wear a skullcap during prayer.

And that's why the Holy Teresa of Avila declared that 'a nun whose head is not properly covered is like a woman who is not properly wedded.'

Just a few generations ago, it was unthinkable even here to appear on the street or in the field without a hat or kerchief. It was indecent -- especially for married women.

And not for practical reasons, such as exposure to wind and weather, but for moral reasons. Although the compulsion to wear hats is forgotten, it has nevertheless survived in the subconscious. Were it not such a crucial matter -- whether the head should be covered or not-- there wouldn't be so many requests, especially from men, to bare it!

How often do I not hear this -- and often from perfect strangers upon first meeting them: -- 'Aren't you going to take your hat off pretty soon?' -- 'Can't I see you without the scarf?' -- 'Why don't you drop the turban?'

And I feel every time that it is a tactless and presumptuous demand -- because I don't take my hat off to just anybody. And not at all to those who ask. Over time it has become a clear code for me: I know for sure that I will never be on the same wavelength with those men who request first thing that I drop my hat.

Of course the hat creates a certain distance. But it is a consciously sought and necessary distance on which intimacy is founded. And you might as well give up trying to explain to those who do not instinctively understand this simple paradox.

By all means, I don't mind taking off my hat to the world, but how can I if I'm not wearing one?

I think I probably shocked many people in this country when I admitted that I would rather walk down the street without wearing underpants -- than without wearing a hat.

But, of course, in this regard I'm not alone. I agree with two-thirds of all women in the world -- with the traditional Catholic, the Orthodox, Muslim and Indian women -- who will not expose their hair in public. And only a minority of women worldwide wear underpants. But the majority cover their hair.

And it is not only men who demand that women must be veiled. Women themselves want it as well. Orthodox women hide their hair under a wig. In Afghanistan the disguise is extremely thorough: a pleated silken sack pulled over the head, with a small embroidered net-window for the eyes. But only those who have worn a veil will recognize the privilege that is is: to see everything while remaining invisible oneself.

As long as I'm still being challenged to take off my hat, I know why I keep it on.

The Necessity of Wearing a Hat by Suzanne Brogger, 1979

Follow Her Gaze

You have no idea who you are
But there is one who teaches
Linger for a moment in the light
Patience, follow her gaze

Unguard your wounded heart
Honor her with fragrant words
She has been expecting you
Watching out for your soul

Obey the wordless teaching
And voice the silent prayer
She gives her hand at the gate
There with you to enter in

David Dickens, Nothing Hypothetical blog

In the Gospel of St John, when Christ was crucified, His mother was there, watching. The youngest disciple, St John, was standing with her. In the extremes of His agony, the Lord took the time to provide for her because He was her only Son. He looked at "the disciple He loved" and said, "Here is your mother." And from that day on, the Theotokos lived with John. (John 19:25-27)

Now, if she had had other children by Joseph, Jesus would not have had to arrange for her care. One of her other children would have done it. Apparently, she did not and so He arranged for John to care for her so that she would not be without care in her old age. He had done much the same for the widow of Naim by raising her son from the dead. (Luke 7:11-15)

The Gospel, however, makes it a point to use the phrase, "the disciple Jesus loved". Who is that? If we take the words only literally (as some do) we can answer that question simply with the name John. But then again, am I not also one of the disciples of Jesus? He said He loved me as the Father loved Him and greater love has no man than he lay his life down for his friends. (John 15:9-13)

So that would make me also "the disciple who Jesus love[s]."

Should I not also take her into my home as well? How will I call her blessed as she prophecied that all generations would do (Luke 1:46-48) if I do not? Why do many people ignore the one whose "fiat" gave the Lord entrance to bring salvation? He would not have imposed Himself on her. She gave her consent, "Let it be unto me according to the Lord's will." (Luke 1:38)

It's not dangerous to regard the Theotokos with respect and reverence. She always points to Christ--He alone is the Way the Truth and the Life (John 14:6). She always and only says, "Do what He tells you." (John 2:5). If you follow her gaze, she looks to Him. She points at Him.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us!

Relevant Reading
Luke 1:38
Luke 1:46-48
Luke 7:11-15
John 2:5
John 14:6
John 15:9-13
John 19:25-27

Note to Self

When the manna falls, collect it and use it that day.

Relevant Reading
Exodus 16:15-21

Manna Falling

Just want to be clear about what these miracles are to which I am becoming accustomed.
They are all manna.
These miracles are the ones that get you through the desert, not take you out of it.
For these miracles, you have to be in the desert.
As in the poem Footprints in the Sand, this manna from God is getting us through our struggles, not taking our struggles away.
Glory to God!
from Maria's blog

The house of Israel called it manna; it was like coriander seed, white, and the taste of it was like wafers made with honey.
Exodus 16:31

Remember the long way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, in order to humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commandments. He humbled you by letting you hunger, then by feeding you with manna, with which neither you nor your ancestors were acquainted, in order to make you understand that one does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. The clothes on your back did not wear out and your feet did not swell these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a parent disciplines a child so the Lord your God disciplines you. Therefore keep the commandments of the Lord your God, by walking in his ways and by fearing him.
Deuteronomy 8:2-5

These miracles are the ones that get you through the desert, not take you out of it. Yes definitely. Sometimes things come to you to get you through. A sweet, courteous voice on the phone when you expect rudeness. A telemarketer volunteering information that will provide assistance when they originally called to ask for money. A company agreeing to reduce the cost of something. Friends asking how they can help.

For some reason though, I seem to need to be in almost-but-not-quite dire straits to recognize when the manna drifts down.

I wish I would recognize it sooner. Thank you Father for the wonderful sweet manna that you send my way daily. Help me to see it for what it is and to gather it, and use it that day.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Verses
Exodus 16:31
Deuteronomy 8:2-5

Really?

I would like to see someone in power address this issue with no red herrings about other classic works, no cries of "homophobia" or anything else. Just a real and honest answer about why this president, this man and this organization think erotica is good for kids to read. And people wonder why I continue to homeschool and support homeschooling. ~sigh~


Relevant Reading
An Open Letter