Hope

"Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing."

~ Mary Margaret Blanchard, Once Upon a Time

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Counsels of Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain

Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain

The person that is struggling to the best of his abilities, who has no desire to live a disorderly life, but who, in the course of the struggle for faith and life, falls and rises again and again, God will never abandon. And if he has the slightest will not to grieve God, he will go to Paradise with his shoes on. 

 We mustn't despair when we struggle and continuously see nothing but the slightest progress. We all do nearly nothing, some a little more, some a little less. When Christ sees our little effort He gives us an analogous token and so our nearly nothing becomes valuable and we can see a little progress. For this reason we mustn't despair, but hope in God. 

What a wonderful thing it will be when we know ourselves! Then humility will be for us a state of being, and God will position us well with His divine gifts. Then the spiritual laws will cease working, and the one who rises the highest will humble himself, for we will all walk low, we won't fall and we will continually receive the grace of God which is given to the humble.  

The goal of the Christian is to rise to God without machines. 

In the hour of prayer, when our mind wanders to thoughts of bad things, or if these thoughts come without our wanting them, we shouldn't wage an offensive war against the enemy, because, even if all the lawyers in the world joined together, they wouldn't make any headway with a little demon. Only through ignoring them can one chase these thoughts away. The same is true for blasphemous thoughts.

If you want to grab God's attention so He'll hear you during prayer, turn the dial to humility, for God always works in this frequency; then humbly ask for His mercy.

My brother, don't ask for anything in prayer except for repentance. Repentance will bring you humility, humility will bring you the grace of God, and God will uphold you in His grace and will give you whatever you need for your own salvation as well as whatever is needed, should the case arise, for you to help another soul in need. 

Conscience is the first law of God, which He carved deeply into the hearts of the first-created. In turn we each make a photocopy from our parents when we're born.

Children contract their first spiritual colds from the open windows of their parents' senses. The mother passes on her cold especially when she is not modestly dressed and scandalizes her children with her behavior.

The holy life of parents instructs the souls of their children and so they naturally obey them and grow up with piety and without psychological problems, and the children are pleased with their parents. The parents are gladdened by their children in this life and in life eternal, where they will once again glory in them.

When one realizes one's sinfulness and the great mercy of God, the heart cracks, as hard as it may be, and real tears fall of themselves and then man prays and weeps without effort.

Let us struggle with all our powers to gain Paradise. The gate is very narrow, and don't listen to those who say that everyone will be saved. This is a trap of satan so that we won't struggle.

Christ is wholly love, goodness and consolation, and never suffocates. He has an abundance of spiritual oxygen.

Live in constant glorification of and thanksgiving towards God, for the greatest sin is ingratitude and the worst sinner is the ungrateful person. 

Those who are in the world must not despair when they are overcome by many passions, and when their nature is unruly and races passionately downwards. Rather, they must trust in the almighty power of God and turn the steering wheel of their powerful engine back onto the road toward God, upwards. 

Counsels of Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain

I Love My Friends!

"Preserve, then, my sons, that friendship ye have begun with your brethren, for nothing in the world is more beautiful than that. It is indeed a comfort in this life to have one to whom thou canst open thy heart, with whom thou canst share confidences, and to whom thou canst entrust the secrets of thy heart. It is a comfort to have a trusty friend by thy side, who will rejoice with thee in prosperity, sympathize in troubles, encourage in persecution. What good friends those Hebrew children were whom the flames of the fiery furnace did not separate from their love of each other!"

St. Ambrose of Milan.

Thank you all for your support and prayers! ~hugs~

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
Daniel 3
Something's Comin'

Just Received the Following Email

Date: Wed, Oct 12, 2011 at 5:23 PM
Subject: Congratulations!
Mailed-by: XXXXXXX

To: XXXXXXX

All Graduands:

Congratulations to all of you on your success! You have been cleared for the December 2011 Graduation contingent upon successful completion of the courses that you are currently enrolled in or the removal of any deficiencies. I have included the Graduation Readiness Checklist-Fall 2011 for your review.If I may be of further assistance, do not hesitate to contact me.

  

Best,

Virginia Purefoy Jones, M.L.S.

University Librarian and Assistant to the Dean

School of Library and Information Sciences

North Carolina Central University

Durham, North Carolina  27707

 
Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Proud Member of the Late Bloomers' Club!

Late Bloomers....Get it?

Before I got married, I was a spoiled brat and I know it. I let stuff happen and relied on mom and dad to take care of it if it went kablooie. After I married in 1994, I pretty much just transferred it to him. After all, everyone around me told me that was how a "good Christian wife" should be and if played into my greatest strength: Being Irresponsible.

Fast forward thirteen years or so to June 2007 when Mt. St. Helens blew up in my living room. All of a sudden I was face with having to do it ALL BY MYSELF. To be honest, I didn't actually start taking care of myself until January 2008. It still took me almost a year to figure out how to pay my bills (on time!!) without hyperventilating. I cried A LOT. I hid under my blanket A LOT. I found a reliable and trustworthy support system in my friends, IRL and online, and I called them A LOT. I prayed A LOT. I cried A LOT more.

It's 2011. I still hide sometimes but at least the bills are paid and even if the remaining balance is just this side of $0.00, I did it and I know I did it and if it didn't get done right, I know how to fix it (or at least who to call for help).

It's a process. It hurts like a toothache sometimes but...I am more sure than anything else that it was worth it. I am far more content and complete than I ever was before. Four years ago I didn't think I would ever say that. Now I can't imagine living like the person I was back then. 

In a couple of months, I will graduate with my Masters degree in Library Science. I may or may not go on to get a PhD or JD, but all the options are open for me. The world has never looked so bright to me before, even after I received my B.A in 1991. Why? Because this time I chose. I didn't let things happen to me. I didn't allow someone else to make a decision for me and I didn't lay down and die when things went kablooie. I made a plan. I stuck to it. When a little something called LIFE happened to the original plan, I had Plan B in my pocket. And Plan B knocked it out of the park!

This is not to say I haven't had some curve balls thrown my way, but it is amazing what you can withstand when you pray, and are willing to keep moving even through the rain. And when you keep moving, people help you along. They walk with you because they are going places, too, and they also need help standing up and moving on. So you link arms, virtually and literally, and soon you aren't just two or three. You have an army standing with you, cheering with you, and you are standing with them and cheering with them, and so on and so forth, and round and round. It's a wonderful thing!

How very good and pleasant it is
   when kindred live together in unity!
It is like the precious oil on the head,
   running down upon the beard,
on the beard of Aaron,
   running down over the collar of his robes.
It is like the dew of Hermon,
   which falls on the mountains of Zion.
For there the Lord ordained his blessing,
   life for evermore.
Psalm 133

Hang on baby! December is coming! God be praised!

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
Psalm 133
Ephesians 4:1-5
And Still I Rise
Stand in the Rain
Looking for Something Good
King of Anything (cover by Sam Tsui)

Steve Jobs 1955 - 2011

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it... It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

~ Steve Jobs, from his 2005 Stanford Commencement Address.

"In all you do, remember the end of your life, and then you will never sin."
~ Wisdom of Sirach 7:36

In his advise to his friend Philagrios: "...live instead of [in] the present, [in] the future and to make this life a meditation and practice of death...Our cares and our attention are concentrated on one thing only our departure from this world. And for this departure we prepare ourselves and gather our baggage as prudent travelers would do."
~ St Gregory the Theologian

"Recall your exodus every hour; keep death before your eyes on a daily basis. Remember before whom you must appear."
~ St Athanasios

"Let the memory of death sleep and awake with you."
~ St John of Sinai

Relevant Reading
The Wisdom of Sirach
The Memory of Death
Writings of the Early Church

A Poem

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
~ Charles Bukowski

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Enough

Sometimes God just wants me to remember that.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

National Invisible Chronic Illness Week: How my Illness Affects my Morning

How I generally feel

I found out that this is "National Invisible Chronic Illness  Awareness Week".  To quote a friend, "At my house, every week is invisible illness week". Like her, I decided to use my blog to participate in raising awareness.  Today, I was going to write about how my invisible illness (fibromyalgia) affects my life at home. Then I decided that was too much and decided to concentrate on one part of my day; the morning.

I truly hate mornings. I think that all mornings should not begin until at least noon. But I'm getting ahead of myself

The thing about fibro is that sometimes I hurt. A lot. The pain varies but is generally pressure/nerve and joint related. What that means is that there are moments when I feel like my skin is on fire. The only way to describe it is that it feels exactly like you've fallen onto the sidewalk and skinned your hands. That same sort of burny feeling. Only it is under my skin and all over, not just on my hands. It's so bad sometimes that I really wish the world was clothing optional because wearing clothes hurts. A hug from my son hurts. Picking up things to put them away hurts. Laying in my bed hurts. Sitting down hurts. Standing up hurts because not even the bottom of my feet are spared.

Then there is the joint/muscle pain that really makes me want to cry because frankly you kind of have them all over your body. I think it is probably not right to be able to feel every joint as it articulates, every bone as it moves, and every muscle as it expands or contracts. One should simply not notice that sort of thing. It's just wrong. On top of all that is the fatigue and fogginess that comes from dealing with the pain, and not being able to truly rest because of the pain.

For me, the pain ebbs and flows. Praise God I have more good days than bad, but the bad days are truly not what I define as fun and sometimes these "flares" last for weeks on end until I feel like I am swimming in a salty sea with my raw nerves exposed, my muscles and joints protesting every stroke and so exhausted I can barely think my way out of a wet paper bag with directions on the side saying "KICK".

When I am feeling good, I wake up get dressed and proceed with my day.

When I am in the midst of a flare, I ascend slowly from a murky place that pretends to be sleep but isn't and wish I could levitate because (a) I slept poorly and I am exhausted, (b) I know I am going to have to move and (c) moving means I also have the great joy of standing on my feet (remember that pressure thing? Yeah). Then I move and the first words out of my mouth are generally, "Ow, dammit, pardon Lord," followed by me staring at the floor because next I have to stand up and walk to the bathroom. Sometimes I just lay back down and have a good cry and then start over again. LOL! Then I get up and mince to the bathroom, scaring my dog all the way because I'm muttering "Owowowowowowow" until I can sit down again. Usually by the time I get to the bathroom I'm not hanging onto the dresser and wall and I can straighten my right arm and flex my right hand without wanting to slice it off and my ankles have quit screaming at me. Sometimes my right ankle is swollen sometimes it's not. Just depends on how pissed it is at me for making it move and support me. Also during a flare, my hands feel like they are swollen to the size of small hams and are very tender although they look perfectly normal. My fingers don't hurt but thy feel tingly all the time and I'm constantly rubbing one hand over the other to check for the swelling I feel but no one can see.

You think I am kidding? I kid you not. You're my favorite goat. ~rimshot~

I try to keep my house "company ready" but I don't much go in for company because I honestly never know when I'm going to just poop out and need to get prone someplace. If I didn't feel much like cleaning the night before, I'll generally tidy the kitchen and make coffee. I can't stand a messy kitchen and coffee is an excellent vehicle for sugar, vanilla and whipped cream. I also eat something. Or try. Food in the morning makes me ill.

While the coffee is making I walk my dog because my doctor says I must exercise. When we get back, she drinks some water and I collapse on the floor and wish I was a jellyfish or something else that doesn't have muscles, joints and nerve-endings. I feel like one so I should be one, yes? Yes. God does not listen to this particular prayer of mine. I'm sure He has His reasons for not letting me become a jellyfish. He has not, however, seen fit to enlighten me.

It takes a few moments to get functional again but the exercise does help (if it doesn't throw me into a full blown flare, which doesn't really matter because I have to be functional at the very least no matter what; I am a mom after all, and I have a job). The exercise actually numbs me for some reason. If I do it right, I end up feeling...distant...all day but the pain is equally distant. I tried running but I stopped that nonsense and went back to walking after I couldn't climb the stairs without having to stop and breathe on the way up. I'm also sooo tired.

Showers hurt during a flare. The water feels like tiny pelts of gravel. If I don't shower I will stink so I shower cos I can't abide stinkiness, but it hurts like rolling in caltrops.

Getting dressed is fun. The worst part is unders. If I've walked hard enough, long enough, I'm actually numb enough to get dressed and slowly acclimate to my clothes touching me. Otherwise I experiment with new and exciting ways to not swear. Weekends during a flare mean my softest pjs, a tshirt and fluffy socks unless I leave the house. Weekdays mean I have to wear real clothes to work.

So that's my morning. Like I said, I have more good days than bad and for that I am grateful and feel blessed.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week
Fibromyalgia
Morning Coffee: National Invisible Chronic Illness Week

I See Nyan Cats...

I have two articles and a chapter to read for one class and two articles to read and a paper to write for another class. Meanwhile I sit here and thumb through My Life in Christ by St John of Kronstadt or play around on Facebook (Gardens of Time is a simply wonderful time-sink). I dunno why I am so unmotivated this semester. The light at the end of the tunnel is right there and it is definitely NOT a train. I mean, I can see daylight and trees and birds and cats made of poptarts farting rainbows.

I just can't seem to get started. I'm kind of camped out here on the ties, enjoying the view out there. Blargh. The term is onward and forward!

Then again, the 600 rode into the Valley of Death and the Mouth of Hell. Ai little-yappy-dogs.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner. And please help me with this paper. ARGH!


Relevant Reading
My Life in Christ, St John of Kronstadt
The Charge of the Light Brigade, Alfred, Lord Tennyson