Why?

"There is always a reason. Whenever anything has been mucked up, whenever anything outrageous happens, there is a reason for it. You still have a mucked up outrageous situation on your hands, however, and explaining it does not alleviate it one bit. If someone does something really rotten, there is a reason for it. Learn it if you care, and you know why he is a son-of-a-bitch. The fact is, the thing remains, though...It changes nothing to run a post-humous psychoanalysis. Acts and their consequences are the things by which our fellows judge us. Anything else and all that you get is a cheap feeling of moral superiority by thinking how you would have done something nicer if it had been you. So as for the rest, leave it to heaven. I'm not qualified.”

Corwin, The Great Book of Amber: The Complete Amber Chronicles: The Hand of Oberon, p479

Yeah, that. A couple of years ago I posted about acts and their consequences using this quote. Well, I've kind of worked through that piece of it. However, sometimes I find myself falling back into the habit of trying to figure out the why behind folks' behavior. Including my own. Yep. I, too, do things that make me go, "WTF???"

For example: suppose I go to bed after 200a because I am reading a book (which happens more often than I care to admit). Inevitably, I will wake up late, skip breakfast, just tether Chelsea outside instead of walking her, toss down some coffee, and run out the door. I'll down another cuppa, a Mt Dew, or a Coke (or two) before lunch, and probably something sugary and carbohydrate heavy out of the machine just because my stomach is empty. I might bolt a salad or half a sandwich at lunch (if I eat at all).

Result? By 200p, I'm going to be a mess, with no memory to speak of, making stupid mistakes, not thinking and wondering what is wrong with me. The answer to WHY I'm acting like a squirrel on crack isn't a mystery. The answer is I haven't done what I need to do to force my brain and body into line: I'm over caffeinated, under-exercised, and I haven't eaten enough for my high metabolism. My body is telling my brain to panic. DUH! No big mystery there. No need to do any deep analysis. Occam's Razor (in its most simplistic form) applies.


I'm learning to apply this way of thinking to other areas of my life as well. Sometimes I end up delving deeply into stuff that is really not that deep. Stuff that has a really simple, one sentence explanation when I pare it down. I don't have to go into any "post-humous psychoanalyses" about any of the things I wonder about. Ninety percent of the questions I ask of myself about stuff can be answered in one sentence. I don't need a defended dissertation. Just. One. Sentence.

So what does that mean in real life (or why does that merit this blog post)?

It means that I can free up brain space. When I can state the simplest answer to something...I free up that space in my head to work on things that are truly creative and beneficial to myself and to my son. Freed head space means I can think my way through the labyrinth that my life can sometimes become just because I am asking too many questions about things that just don't matter.

Why X? Because Y.

Simple.

Why did it take me an additional four years to figure that out? Because I like to make things more complicated than they really need to be. I have this thing about making things complicated.

And that is just silly of me. I can be silly without all the drama that sort of thing entails. ~shudder~ And it's much more fun besides. LOL!

Much more importantly however, if my mind is running madly to nowhere like some crazy insomniac hamster on a squeaky wheel, how can I keep my mind on God? Simple once sentence answer - I CAN'T.

A cleared mind allows me to focus on hearing His voice. I can renew my mind not by wondering about why X is/is not, but by keeping it on Him and on what His will is for me from day to day and moment to moment. If I am worried and concerned about so many trivial and random things, how can I ever hear Him as He promised I would be able to?

No more hamsters!

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Acts and Consequences
Occam's Razor
Colossians 3:1-4
Romans 12:1-2
Luke 10:38-42
John 10:3-5

A Prayer of St Ephraim the Syrian

Make me whole, O Lord, and I will become whole! O only wise and merciful Physician, I beseech Thy benevolence: heal the wounds of my soul and enlighten the eyes of my mind that I may understand my place in Thine eternal design! And inasmuch as my heart and mind have been disfigured, may Thy grace repair them, for it is as true salt.

What shall I say to Thee, O Knower of the heart who searchest the heart and inner workings of men? Indeed, Thou knowest that, like a waterless land, my soul thirsts after Thee and my heart longs for Thee. And Thy grace has always sated those that love Thee.

Thus, as Thou has always heard me, so now do not scorn my prayer. For Thou seest that my mind, like a prisoner, seeks Thee, the Only true Savior.

Send Thy grace, that it may satisfy my hunger and quench my thirst. For insatiably do I desire Thee, O my Master! And who can have enough of Thee if he truly loves Thee and thirsts for Thy truth?

O Giver of light! Fulfill my supplications and grant me Thy gifts according to my prayer; impart to my heart just one drop of Thy grace, that the flame of Thy love may begin to burn in my heart; and, like a fire, may it consume evil thoughts like thorns and thistles!

Give me all this in abundance; grant it to me as God unto man, as the King to His subjects, and increase it as a kind Father.

- A prayer by St. Ephraim the Syrian

The Mercy of Confession

I have sinned in deed, word and thought, knowingly and unknowingly, willingly and unwillingly, thoughtfully and thoughtlessly, and it is impossible to enumerate all of my sins because of their multitude. But I truly repent of these and all others not mentioned by me because of my forgetfulness and I ask that they be forgiven through the abundance of the Mercy of God.

~St John of Kronstadt, A Preparation for Confession

Sometimes just the thought of going to confession is a ready and helpful deterrent from sin. I mean seriously, who wants to go list out what they have done to someone's face? Especially someone who is in authority over you? I sometimes joke and say it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission, but honestly, it isn't. It so isn't. It's way easier to just not think/say/do stuff that I will find myself needing to confess later. I put it off and put it off but then I just have to go do it.

Come now, let us argue it out, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be like snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool. 

Isaiah 1:18

Praise God, but I think my Spiritual Father has seen and heard it all. He doesn't even blink. His gentle chiding  is always couched in kind words of guidance and love. He knows me. He knows where I have come from and what I have endured. He is so encouraging and his mercifulness when it comes to saying the truth but not in such a way as to rip me into shreds is such a blessing. Lord have mercy on my priest! He has to put up with meafter all!

Confession is one of the rites of the Church that I was most drawn to. Actually experiencing the forgiveness of God as spoken over me by the prayers that have come down to us since the earliest days of the Church is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given us. I have no idea why anyone would not want to--other than embarrassment and how minor is a few moments of embarrassment in the grand scheme of eternity?

Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective.

James 5:16

The Lord does know all my sins but for some reason He has decreed we should confess them aloud to Him before a witness. Considering how clean and light-hearted and renewed I always feel afterward, I am sure there is more to this command than just the nominally preventative power of embarrassment. After all, if it is really that embarrassing to you, you could just not confess it. But the command is there: Confess your sins to one another, not just get someplace quiet and tell God what He already knows. I don't pretend to know what it is beyond the collective recognition that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)

Whatever it is, I so appreciate what the Lord has done. His gifts are always good!

Lord, I thank you for the mercy you have shown me, the chiefest of sinners!

Fear...

...sometimes it makes us do things that are stupid beyond all mortal ken. Sometimes it makes us brave. Sometimes it makes us brave enough to do things that look stupider beyond all mortal ken to any eyes besides our own. I want to be brave, not stupid.

And I don't particularly care what people think about the things I do anymore.

I lift my eyes unto the hills.
Where does my help come from?

The Flight of Hamwings by Ursulav

My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not allow [my] foot to be moved;
He who keeps [me] will not slumber.
Behold, He who watches over Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord shall protect [me];
    the Lord is [my] shelter at [my] right hand.
The sun shall not burn [me] by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve [me] from all evil;
    the Lord shall preserve [my] soul.
The Lord shall preserve [my] going out and [my] coming in
    from this time forth, and forevermore.

~Psalm 121

O guard my life and deliver me;
   do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness preserve me,
    for I wait for you

~ Psalm 25:20-21

Vindicate me, O Lord,
   for I have walked in my integrity,
   and I have trusted in the Lord without wavering.
Prove me, O Lord, and try me;
   test my heart and mind.
For your steadfast love is before my eyes,
   and I walk in faithfulness to you...
..But as for me, I walk in my integrity;
   redeem me, and be gracious to me.
My foot stands on level ground;
   in the great congregation I will bless the Lord.

~Psalm 26:1-3, 11-12

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.






Relevant Reading
Psalm 121
Isaiah 54:4-8
Psalm 25
Psalm 26
The Flight of Hamwings

Memorial Day 2012

St George and the Dragon

O Savior, who for our sakes has endured the Cross and death, who has put hell to death and raised the dead, give rest, O God, in Thy love for mankind, to those who have departed from us; and at Thy dread and fearful coming, O Giver of Life, in the multitude of Thy mercies count them worthy of Thy Kingdom.

Faithful servant of God and invincible martyr, Saint George; favored by God with the gift of faith, and inflamed with an ardent love of Christ, thou didst fight valiantly against the dragon of pride, falsehood, and deceit. Neither pain nor torture, sword nor death could part thee from the love of Christ. I fervently implore thee for the sake of this love to help me by thy intercession to overcome the temptations that surround me, and to bear bravely the trials that oppress me, so that I may patiently carry the cross which is placed upon me; and let neither distress nor difficulties separate me from the love of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Valiant champion of the Faith, assist me in the combat against evil, that I may win the crown promised to them that persevere unto the end.

Holy St. George, pray to God for us and for our troops, current, past, and future, and for me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
The Myth and Legend of St George
St George Orthodox Military Association

But when their images I kiss, my heart is at ease

Christ the Bridegroom

Christ Pantocrator

Theotokos of Vladimir

Archangels Gabriel, Michael, and Raphael

St Ruth the Moabitess

St Elizabeth the New Martyr

St Monica of Africa

St Xenia of St Petersburg, the Fool-for-Christ

                                                                                            

St Mary of Egypt

To what, in such a manner, do you my Christian bow,

When you, O my Christian, venerate the icons?
Before the Living God the Creator, I am bowing down,
With all my soul, heart and mind, I bow down to Him.
Mortal am I and, am unable upon Him to gaze,
Therefore, before His image I bow;
What, my Christian, do you so fervently reverence,
When, the icon O my Christian, you kiss?
Christ the God and Savior, I am kissing,
The choirs of angels, the saints and the Mother of God.
Mortal am I and, therefore am unable them to touch,
But when their images I kiss, my heart is at ease.

~ St. Nikolai Velimirovic, The Prologue of Ochrid: Lives of the Saints, Reflections and Homilies for Every Day of the Year,

Relevant Reading
Why are vigil lamps lit before icons?
St Nikolai Velimirovic
Prayers by the Lake by St Nikolai Velimirovic
Bless My Enemies a prayer by St Nikolai Velimirovic
About The Prologue from Ohrid
The Prologue from Ohrid Online by St Nikolai Velimirovic

I Love Books

Words are lenses and books, any books, bound in wood, or leather, or electronically captured in a chip, are their frames. Like glasses enable those with difficulty seeing to see clearly, so do books enable me to open my mind to see the world around me more clearly. Whether the words within are spoken by some great philosopher from Ancient Greece, St. John the Theologian, Stephen Hawking, or Granny Weatherwax from the Discworld, their words impact and magnify the world around me.

I will read forever because I want to really see.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Happy Mothers' Day!

Exemplary Mother of the great Augustine,

you perseveringly pursued your wayward son

not with wild threats

but with prayerful cries to heaven.

Intercede for all mothers in our day

so that they may learn to draw their children to God.

Teach them how to remain close to their children,

even the prodigal sons and daughters

who have sadly gone astray.

Holy St. Monica, pray for me, a mother and a sinner.

Relevant Reading

St Monica, Mother of St Augustine of Hippo

Happy Fibromyalgia and Chronic Illness Awareness Day!

Today is fibromyalgia awareness day. Fibromyalgia is one of the most common conditions causing chronic pain. It also causes severe fatigue, and it interferes with your ability to sleep. It's hard to diagnose, so solid statistics on prevalence are hard to come by, but the estimates suggest that somewhere between 3% and 10% of the population have it -- which means that everyone knows someone who has it. Even you. Cos now, you know me. ~grin~

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
The Role of Magnesium in Fibromyalgia
National Invisible Chronic Illness Week: How my Illness Affects my Morning
Fibromyalgia

A Better Pain Scale

Thanks to Hyperbole and a Half, I now have a Better Pain Scale so that I can more clearly explain to my doctor how I am feeling from flare to flare.

Here is The Better Pain Scale

0: I am not experiencing any pain at all. I don't know why I'm even here.
1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.
2: I probably just need a Band Aid.
3: This is distressing. I don't want this to be happening to me at all.
4: My pain is not fucking around.
5: Why is this happening to me??
6: Ow. Okay, my pain is super legit now.
7: I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared.
8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help.
9: I am almost definitely dying.
10: I am actively being mauled by a bear.
11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.
Too Serious For Numbers: You probably have ebola. It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.

~ Lifted shamelessly from Hyperbole and a Half "Boyfriend Doesn't Have Ebola. Probably."

Today, I am hovering around a 6 or 7 and have been here since Saturday. It could be worse I am sure--I don't want to know about that. Really.Praise God I am at least somewhat functional though. Exhausted but not too foggy, and I can walk and get to the library and, frankly, isn't everything better when you can go to the library? And while you are there, knowing that there is a Savior who suffers with you? Definitely not a bad day really.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
National Invisible Chronic Illness Week
Fibromyalgia
Suffering with a Co-Suffering Savior
Broken