Happy New Year!

 Wow! What a year 2012 was. I am so glad to have a clean slate to look forward to, but as I look behind me I am not overly displeased with this past year. Twenty-twelve was a remarkable year of learning for me: learning how to rely on the Lord's provision; learning how to be grateful for what was given; learning humility and graciousness; learning that my plans for my life might not be His.

It was hard and I whined. A lot. It didn't do me a lot of good.

It was hard and I prayed. A lot. That did me a whole lot more good.

I think I will continue to do what worked and stop doing what didn't.

God is good all the time and He is and had been gracious, so very gracious to me in the past 12 months. I can only imagine what He has in store for the next twelve months. I have my own goals and plans (not resolutions mind you. I don't do resolutions) but I am flexible enough to realize God has His own plans for me and my son in mind. He may or may not share them with me.

I'll just try not to whine too much about it.

O Master, Lord our God, the Source of life and immortality, the Author of all created things both visible and invisible, Who has established all seasons and times by Your own authority and Who directs all things with Your all-wise and all-gracious providence: We thank You for Your bounties, which You have poured out upon us during our life that is past. And we entreat You, O all-bountiful Lord: Bless the crown of the New Year by Your goodness. Bestow Your good things from above upon all Your people, as also health, salvation and good furtherance in all things. Deliver Your Holy Church, this city and all cities and countryside from every evil assault, and vouchsafe unto them peace and tranquility; and grant that we may always offer thanksgiving unto You, the unoriginate Father, together with Your only-begotten Son and Your all-holy, good and life-giving Spirit, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.

Lord have mercy upon me, a sinner.

Peppermint Winter

This is officially my new favorite pop Christmas song. 

...And then Facepalm

Sometimes you do things because you have to. You ask questions you already know the answer to because you have to. The answer comes. It's exactly what you thought it would be.

And then you

and do what you need to do in spite of people, places, and things. It has nothing to do with being kind or nice or anything of that sort. It's just that you have to and why expect anything different?

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Even Hitler Liked Dogs

I fail miserably at this sometimes. There are times when I try so hard to remember good things about people but sometimes I just cannot. Heck there are sometimes I just will not. I don't know why exactly. I mean, even Hitler was kind to dogs, right? That was something somewhat decent about the man. I could think about how he was a better dog-trainer than I will ever be.

Does it mean I have to like him as a human being?

These are the things I think about late at night. Some folks I can think good things about--they are better teachers, better librarians, better students...But then some folks I can't come up with anything at all and that kind of bothers me. So how do I get around that to recalling anything decent about them?

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner

Relevant Reading
St. Tikhon of Zadonsk
Heel, Hitler

Systematic Theology

I love theology. I love dogmatics and doctrine. I love knowing the whys and wherefores of my faith. As I journeyed to Orthodoxy over the years, a lot of my understanding of the doctrines of the faith came from reading the Fathers of the Church and the great theologians in a piecemeal fashion. That is, as I encountered something within the Church, I went to these sources to discover where it came from. I never read in any systematic fashion, but I just nibbled here and there off the sides of what is a HUGE cake. 

Mice Eating Cake

I think I may have found a way to remedy my scattershot knowledge of the works of the Fathers of the Church. There is a website (there is always a website) by a couple of Protestant laymen who came up with the formula that if one reads seven pages a day for seven years, you can read the Fathers. All of them.

Seven pages a day is not a lot. At least not for me.  I can read seven pages of just about anything in no time at all. And I've done a lot of things over the past seven years that took a heck of a lot more time out of my day. The writings are available free online as well. It's a win-win situation.

So this is my new project. I like having intellectual projects. I got my Masters degree after all. I would LOVE to be able to turn this into a career in a theological library. 

So here I go again!

Relevant Reading

Read the Fathers

Early Church Fathers

Black Friday, St Xenia, and Me

I worked my first Black Friday in a LONG time today. I got to the mall at 700a and it was just me and a co-worker for about three hours. Not a lot was going on and it was SO dead. (As I wait for the library jobs to say yes to me I work in a card store. We had no doorbusters, no BF specials). I don't think we had more than four people in the store before 830a. I spent time making some changes to the store set per the Regional Manager's emails. I had my phone in my pocket and so while I was out there, I'd glance at the Akathist to St Xenia and try to think about a line from a kontakion or o/ikos as I was straightening stuff. It kept me from complaining about being at the mall at stupid o'clock in the morning.

About 830 or 900a, a few people who wandered in to buy one thing and then wander out. Then we got this one lady (and her cranky kids) with a slight attitude and my co-worker started to b!tch about her as soon as she left.

Snow Roller 

It truly only takes one. If it isn't nipped in the bud, it just rolls onward. At best, I am "not a morning person." At worst I am a wet cat in a burlap bag. I HATE being up early in the morning. It does not take much to get me to complain about being awake before my inner clock says it's reasonable to be awake. Caffeine is a food group as far as I am concerned.

So there I was, commiserating and jumping on the band-wagon along with co-worker when the eighth kontakion in the akathist popped into my head. It reads:

As a homeless wanderer, you trod the path of your life in the capital city 

of Russia, bearing afflictions and reproaches with great patience; 

and abiding now in the heavenly Jerusalem,

in joy you sing unto God: Alleluia!

And here I am complaining about a woman who, though it was through her own volition, was out too early in the morning with obviously exhausted children and probably trying to do as much of her shopping as she could. All she really wanted was the price tag taken off the picture and to have it re-wrapped. I'd be snarky too if I had to drag cranky kids around the mall at crazy o'clock in the morning after probably not getting enough sleep after a major holiday.

And while maybe she could have been nicer, why take offense at her snarkiness? There is so much energy expended in being offended by piddly stuff like that. Energy I desperately needed about two hours later when folks actually decided they needed cards and gift-wrapping services and the like. It really wasn't worth it to me to be "offended" by people who shop on Black Friday, tired, cranky customers, upper management at Wal-Mart or Sears (people whose decisions have no bearing on my work life right now). It simply wasn't.

Immediately the irritation just sort of drained away and I felt a lot better. I tried to change the subject but co-worker wasn't having it so I started emptying more boxes and setting out more of the items on the update (some seriously butt-ugly Christmas dust collectors let me tell you). After a while, co-worker wandered off.

And St Xenia and I re-set the front of the store in peace.

You were all things to all, O blessed Xenia—comfort for the sorrowful, protection and defense for the weak, joy for the grieving, clothing for the poor, healing for the sick; therefore, we cry out unto you:

Rejoice, for you dwell in the mansions on high!
Rejoice, for you pray there for us sinners!
Rejoice, O good one, who shows us a model of service to God!
Rejoice, O provider of our every need!
Rejoice, O protectress of the persecuted and oppressed!
Rejoice, for you by your supplications help the Orthodox people!
Rejoice, for you endured much affliction and grief!
Rejoice, for you defend the afflicted who pray to you!
Rejoice, for you rebuke those who abuse their fellows!
Rejoice, for you put to shame unbelievers and those who babble!
Rejoice, for you were clothed in rags and tatters!
Rejoice, for God has adorned you with the splendid raiment of righteousness!
Rejoice, O blessed Xenia, who ever intercedes for our souls!

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
The Life of St Xenia
The Akathist to St Xenia

Mama Bear Has Nothing On Me

Holy Theotokos protect my son when he is far from me.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

There Are Days

There are days when I wish I had fewer convictions about what is good and right. I am not trying to impress anyone. I'm so far from holy I'm sneaking up on it from the other side. But I can't stop living the way I live just because it is hard.

(Don't get me wrong. I do not feel "guilty" about anything. Confession solves many things and eradicates guilt if you do it right. Acceptance of my responsibility for what I have done and not saying that it is someone else's fault or trying to play the victim does wonders for moving away from random "guilty" feelings to true change. There are folks in the world who need to feel guilty about things they have done, or not done, or need to do, but I am not one of them.)

God, however, has very high standards and He doesn't change them just because I whine.

Besides, I am not whining, per se. I just wish this road was just a tad easier. Maybe had a few fewer potholes.

And if wishes were horses we all would ride.

Beginning tomorrow, the Winter Lent will begin. There are so many days within this time of preparation for me to remember what God has promised and what He has done to this point. Each of those days is one more day to see His plan for me played out on this stage and to try to live up to those plans which feature themselves for me as convictions and beliefs about how I should live my life and what example I should set for my son. Should I be self-indulgent or self-controlled? Should I ignore my commitments or honor them in spite of how I feel about them at the moment? Should my desires overcome what I know to be good and right or should I "fast" and pray about them?

There are days when the temptation is keener than the edge of a knife.

And then...God.

Lord have mercy upon me, a sinner. Please bless these days of preparation for your servant.

Relevant Reading
Why We Fast

What a Month!

This month has been a testimony to God's grace and provision. I can hardly believe it's over.


Make a joyful noise to God, all the earth; 
   sing the glory of his name;
   give to him glorious praise. 
Say to God, ‘How awesome are your deeds!
   Because of your great power, your enemies cringe before you. 
All the earth worships you;
   they sing praises to you,
   sing praises to your name.’
          Selah 

I cannot possibly begin to immuerate all the things He did for me this month, from an exact amount of money needed for me to do some things appearing at just the right time, to a number of prayers being answered all I can say is

Come and see what God has done:
   he is awesome in his deeds among mortals. 
He turned the sea into dry land;
   they passed through the river on foot.
There we rejoiced in him, 
   who rules by his might for ever,
whose eyes keep watch on the nations—
   let the rebellious not exalt themselves.
          Selah 

Bless our God, O peoples,
   let the sound of his praise be heard, 
who has kept us among the living,
   and has not let our feet slip. 


As far as I am concerned His mercy endures forever. He promised me He would care for me and my son and has never let me down. Even when I was busily screwing up and herding cats, He was letting me do what I did and yet...And yet preserving His Name regardless of me.

For you, O God, have tested us;
   you have tried us as silver is tried. 
You brought us into the net;
   you laid burdens on our backs; 
you let people ride over our heads;
   we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a spacious place. 
I will come into your house with burnt-offerings;
   I will pay you my vows, 
those that my lips uttered
   and my mouth promised when I was in trouble. 
I will offer to you burnt-offerings of fatlings,
   with the smoke of the sacrifice of rams;
I will make an offering of bulls and goats.
          Selah 

I don't have a lot to give back to Him, but everything I have He gave me so how can I refuse to give my own "mite"? How selfish and ungrateful am I to even do that? I look around and see nothing but blessing!

Come and hear, all you who fear God,
   and I will tell what he has done for me. 
I cried aloud to him,
   and he was extolled with my tongue. 
If I had cherished iniquity in my heart,
   the Lord would not have listened. 
But truly God has listened;
   he has given heed to the words of my prayer. 
Blessed be God,
   because he has not rejected my prayer
   or removed his steadfast love from me.

Truly God has listened to me, but not through any goodness I possess. Only His mercy and grace has gotten me through this month. Heck through this YEAR. This has been one of the hardest, if not THE hardest I have experienced. Amazingly enough however all I have done this year is gain while in other hard years all I did was lose. I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living

Thank you, Father. Please continue to have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Psalm 66
Psalm 27
Isaiah 54
Ruth 3:11

My So-called Spiritual Life

My Spiritual Life, from Pithless Thoughts

Wow! What a month it has been. I didn't even realize so much time had passed since my last post until I dropped by today.

It's been exhausting simply because I had to maintain my faith and that has never been a gift of mine. It's very hard for me not to look at circumstances, to wonder about the future, and to just generally whine about why my life is sooooo veeeeerrrry, veeeeerrrry, haaaaarrrrrddddduh.

So, you might ask, how'd that work for you?

It didn't. To be precise, it only made things worse. Don't get me wrong, for a short period of time the pity party is kind of satisfying (in a sick and twisted sort of way) but after a while I started to get on my own nerves. And do not get me started on how much energy it takes to work up a good whine. Seeing as I only have so many spoons per day sometimes, that is simply not a wise use of my limited resources. So I decided (and yes it was an actual conscious decision, I remember the date I made it) not to do that anymore.

Decision made but how exactly does that look? What do I do instead? If I am not whining and I am going to have faith, what else is it I need to do? I was at a loss so I decided to pray and then I did it again. Then I worried I wasn't doing it right, so I started reading. I read A LOT.

Read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, look around at circumstances (bad idea), go back to reading and praying. Take the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

...Honestly, my life hasn't been easy the last few months. It's been pretty damned hard...

Read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, look around at circumstances (bad idea), go back to reading and praying. Take the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

...Okay, Lord, there are things I do not have to worry about? I'm taking too much responsibility for other people's emotional lives? I'm making mountains out of molehills?...

Read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, look around at circumstances (bad idea, WHEN will I learn???), go back to reading and praying. Take the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

A lightbulb moment came while reading the life of St. Nektarios of Pentapolis and Aegina. This wonderful saint of God went through so much in his life. So many false accusations, deprivation, deception, persecution by and exile from those who were supposed to be his support, just downright evil meanness done to him for no reason. He never lost his faith though. He was always seen to be praying for those who persecuted him. He never defended himself but accepted what was forced unfairly upon him, preferring to accept what God allowed to happen to him to happen to him.

In one of his letters, St Nektarios wrote to the nuns at Aegina, a monastery he founded:

Do not be frightened. The overseeing eye of the Lord has not looked away...The Lady Theotokos will intercede once again. She will intercede to her omnipotent Son....Do not be troubled. Just continue your penance and every good work, with an attitude of happiness and optimism. We believe in a living perfect God. If He allows tribulations, it is for the salvation of our souls, of this you can be sure. Return to your duties of virture and to the special ministries you have undertaken, always keeping in mind the great Paul and Silas who suffered so greatly inside prison. So let us chant as they did, continuously praising our benefactor as they did that historic night...
~ Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p220, 223

St Nektarios of Aegina

Later on, the monastery needed repairs--it was originally a deserted convent on the island of Aegina and it needed rebuilding and repairing beyond what Fr Nektarios and the nuns could do on their own. Unfortunately the Metropolitan of Athens refused to acknowledge the monastery (refusing to recall his promise to Nektarios that he would) and without his formal acknowledgement, the monastery's funds were tied up legally. The workers who were repairing the buildings of the monastery needed to be paid however and so Nektarios did what he always did; he reassured them and he prayed.

Sure enough, within a few days the mail came with enough cash donations to pay the construction crew for that week. The nuns were very happy and they thanked God for the provision, but then the nuns began to worry about the next payments and the saint told them:

Do not be ungrateful for what we received this week by thinking about next week. I am sure divine providence will send something again.
~ Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p237

Wow. Such faith. I wish I had faith like that. What stood out to me is that Nektarios told them that worrying about the next week's provision was "ungratefulness". Isn't it natural to wonder what is going to happen next time? Then again, even Christ said:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?"
~Matthew 6:25-30

And the biography shows that Fr Nektarios lived this way all his life. He truly believed that no matter the circumstances, God would provide and God always did. Even as a young boy, sent away from his family to Constantinople for schooling, he lived this way. Even when he was unjustly relieved of his posting in Egypt and denied his Greek citizenship, he lived this way. Even when he was accused of gathering a harem and tossing newborn babies down a well, he lived this way, only believing that whatever God allowed would be for the salvation of his soul:

The evil one does not care to what extent the human soul can endure torments, plots against it, and slander. When given permission [Job 1:6-12 and 2:1-6] to test the soul, he falls on his victim like a wild hungry vulture, taking pleasure in thrusting his nails in the backs of its unsuspecting victims.
~Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p219

In no way am I claiming to be a saint, but knowing that even the saints had to undergo testing and torment, deprivation, deceit, and exile but never gave up their faith is always a comfort and example to me. Their lives give me something to look to so that I will not give up when my comparably puny difficulties arise. After all, I'm not caring for twenty or thirty other people on my prayers alone. I am not required to dig roads, lift rocks, repair masonry and then sleep in a draughty old ruin after not having enough to eat or adequate shoes and clothing for the weather. My health is good and I am young. And yet I worry and whine. What a wimp I can be.

Lord forgive me, a whiny sinner. You have always provided for me and always just in time, even after I spend my energy on whining about how hard my life is. Forgive me for disdaining this prize you have given me, this gold star that is LIFE. And I thank you for giving it to me so abundantly. You always meet my needs and You always show Your love for me. I will never be able to thank you enough. Please continue to have mercy on me, whiny and sinful as I am. 

St. Nektarios, thank you for the example of your life. Pray to God for the salvation of our souls!

Relevant Reading
1 Corinthians 12:4-11
Have Some Cheese with that Whine?
The Spoon Theory
The Hardest Part
Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century
Matthew 6:25-30
A life of St Nektarios and photos