God is Bigger than the Bogey Man

The Blessed Sts Bob and Larry

Kuketakion in the First Tomatone

God made you special and He loves you very much!

Sometimes in the middle of all that is happening, I have to retreat and try to remember this. It's simple. It's easy. It gets lost in the whirlwind. Yeah, that's the image--a tornado, like in the Wizard of Oz, with all this stuff swirling around that I'm trying to catch and hold for some reason...I need to just stand in the eye of the storm and remember this while I wait on the Lord.

But Moses said to the people, ‘Do not be afraid, stand firm, and see the deliverance that the Lord will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you see today you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still.’

Exodus 14:13-14

Turn to me and be gracious to me,

   for I am lonely and afflicted. 

Relieve the troubles of my heart,

   and bring me out of my distress. 

Consider my affliction and my trouble,

   and forgive all my sins. 

Consider how many are my foes,

   and with what violent hatred they hate me. 

O guard my life, and deliver me;

   do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. 

May integrity and uprightness preserve me,

   for I wait for you. 

Psalm 24:16-21

The Lord of hosts is with us;

   the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah 

Come, behold the works of the Lord;

   see what desolations he has brought on the earth. 

He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;

   he breaks the bow, and shatters the spear;

   he burns the shields with fire. 

‘Be still, and know that I am God!

   I am exalted among the nations,

   I am exalted in the earth.’ 

The Lord of hosts is with us;

   the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah 

Psalm 46:7-11

Comfort, O comfort my people,

   says your God. 

Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,

   and cry to her

that she has served her term,

   that her penalty is paid,

that she has received from the Lord’s hand

   double for all her sins. 

Isaiah 40:1-2

O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted, I am about to set your stones in antimony,

   and lay your foundations with sapphires. 

I will make your pinnacles of rubies, your gates of jewels,

   and all your wall of precious stones. 

All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the prosperity of your children. 

In righteousness you shall be established; you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;

   and from terror, for it shall not come near you. 

If anyone stirs up strife, it is not from me; whoever stirs up strife with you shall fall because of you. 

Isaiah 54:11-15

 And leaving the crowd behind, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. Other boats were with him. A great gale arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke him up and said to him, ‘Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?’ He woke up and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, ‘Peace! Be still!’ Then the wind ceased, and there was a dead calm. He said to them, ‘Why are you afraid? Have you still no faith?’ And they were filled with great awe and said to one another, ‘Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?’

Mark 4:36-41

Now as they went on their way, he entered a certain village, where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to what he was saying. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks; so she came to him and asked, ‘Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her then to help me.’ But the Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.’

Luke 10:38-42

Could You Not Endure For Just One Hour?

... SUFFERING

(from the book: “Eternal Mysteries Beyond The Grave”)

There was a paralytic who, becoming impatient of his suffering, cried out to the Lord and asked that his miserable life might end.

An angel appeared to him and said: “Very well. Since the Lord is unspeakably good, He will respond to your prayer. He will put an end to your life on earth, but on one condition. Will you consent to spend three hours in hell instead of suffering one more year on earth? Hell cleanses every man, as gold is purified in the fire, and your sins need cleansing. You were destined to suffer from your illness one more year, so that the paralysis of your body might cleanse you of your sins. Like all believers, you have no road to heaven except the way of the cross, opened by the sinless God-Man. This road seems to have tired you on earth; well then, experience what hell is, where all sinners go. Yet you must experience it for three hours only, and then you will be saved through the prayers of Holy Church.”

The sufferer thought about these words. A year of suffering on earth seemed and unbearably long time. “I would rather endure the three hours,” he finally said to the angel. The angel quietly took up his suffering soul, enclosed it in the abyss of hell, and then departed, saying, ”In three hours I shall appear again and take you away from here.”

The darkness that reigned all around, the closeness, the indescribable sounds of the cries emitted by sinners, the sight of the evil spirits in all their hellish ugliness - all this formed for the miserable sufferer one overwhelming feeling of fear and sickness.

Everything that he saw or heard was full of suffering, and there was no hint of any happy sound throughout the limitless abyss of hell. He saw nothing except the fiery eyes of demons glistening in the darkness, and their gigantic shadows, which seemed about to oppress, devour, and burn him with their hellish breath. The poor suffer trembled and cried out, but there was no response to his cries except an echo which died down somewhere in the far distance of the abyss, and the bubbling of the hellish fire. It seemed to him that whole centuries of suffering had already passed, and from one moment to the next he was waiting for the light-bearing angel.

Finally the sufferer despaired of the angel’s coming. Gnashing his teeth, he groaned, he roared with all his strength, but no one listened to him. All the sinners who were languishing in the dark abyss were occupied with themselves, and only thought of their own suffering.

After some time, however, the calm light of angelic glory spread over the abyss. The angel approached our sufferer and with a celestial smile asked him, “How are you, brother?” 

“I never thought an angel’s tongue was capable of a lie,” the sufferer whispered with a barely audible voice which was breaking with suffering.

“What do you mean?” the angel asked.

“How can you ask?”, the sufferer said. “You promised to take me away from here after three hours, but now whole years, perhaps whole centuries have passed, filled for me with unspeakable suffering!”

“What years, what centuries?”, the angel asked, mildly smiling. “Only an hour has passed since I left you here, and two more remain.”

“Two more?”, the sufferer asked alarmed. “Two more hours? I cannot endure them, I have no strength left! If only it may be possible, if only this is the Lord’s will, I beg you to take me away from here! I should rather suffer for years and centuries on earth, even to the last day, to the time of Christ’s coming at the last judgment; but do take me away, I cannot stay here! Take pity on me!” Thus the sufferer groaned and cried out stretching hims arms to the angel of light.

“Good”, said the angel. “God, the Father of mercy and of comfort, will reveal His mercy to you.” At these words the sufferer opened his eyes and saw himself once again lying on his bed. All his senses were extremely weary, and the suffering of his body had affected his spirit as well. Yet from that time he sweetly endured his suffering on earth, for he bore in memory the horror of suffering in hell, and thanked the Lord, who is merciful to all. 

(Taken from the letters of our Father of the Holy Mountain; page 183, letter 15, 1883)

(The actual title is “One Hour Of Suffering”. This is an unauthorized copy of Chapter 31 from the above mentioned book. Please pardon any typos. May you be blessed - Andrew)

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Eternal Mysteries Beyond the Grave (book)
Preface of Eternal Mysteries Beyond the Grave 

Yabbut...

...and then I go and do something stupid.

...I am of the flesh, sold into slavery under sin. I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. But in fact it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me.

 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do what is good, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God in my inmost self, but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind, making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, with my mind I am a slave to the law of God, but with my flesh I am a slave to the law of sin.

Romans 7:14-26

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Walls and Wallbuilders

Over and over and over again during the past couple of years, God has kept me camped out (so to speak) in certain parts of the Bible. Nehemiah, Ruth, Isaiah 54 and 62, St John's Gospel and his 1st Epistle. More so the OT books than the NT books. I've lived in those books, especially Ruth. I love that story.

The one that really gets me, however, is Nehemiah. Nehemiah is about a lot of things. I've read it soo many times in the past, so I pretty much have a handle on the themes of faith, management/people skills, diplomacy, leadership and restoration that abound in that little book. And it is a little book. I've read it twice in the past two days both times in one sitting.

St Elizabeth the New Martyr

Today is the feast day of my chosen saint, Grand Duchess St. Elizabeth the New Martyr. Her prayers for me have been invaluable and I seek them often. When I converted to Orthodoxy in 2008, I quoted her letter explaining her conversion to her family in my email to my friends explaining mine:

"Once the decision was reached, it proved a difficult task to make it known to her relatives. She writes to them at this time that she is "intensely happy," but that it pains her to cause grief to her beloved family. And yet her determination was firm, "I am sure God's blessing will accompany my act which I do with such fervent belief, with the feeling that I may become a better Christian and be one step nearer to God." Explaining the reasons for her decision, she writes in a letter: "Above all one's conscience must be pure and true... many will -- I know -- scream about (it), yet I feel it brings me nearer to God... You tell me that the outer brilliance of the church charmed me... in that you are mistaken -- nothing in the outer signs attracted me -- no -- the service, the service, the outer signs are only to remind us of the inner things."

Grand Duchess St. Elizabeth Feodorovna

Her life is an inspiration to me. I've read all I can of her and of the rule of the convent she founded, St Martha and Mary Convent in Moscow and her life and biographies of other saints' lives give me hope. As I have said so many times before, I am no saint by a long shot when compared to them. God knows I could despair if I thought my current circumstances, behavior, thought life and blah blah blah had to measure up to them right now. But their lives were not all crystal stairs and reading their life stories brings me hope because they say to me:

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps.
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
Mother to Son, Langston Hughes

That's what I find in their lives, in her life: The capacity to move forward and make something good happen, to strive always to hear the Lord say, "Well done, good and faithful servant",  in spite of myself and all that happens around me. As we say, "I am saved. I am being saved. I hope to be saved."

St. Elizabeth the New Martyr

Troparion, Tone 4:

Causing meekness, humility and love to dwell in thy soul,

Thou didst earnestly serve the suffering,

O holy passion-bearer Princess Elizabeth

Wherefore, with faith thou didst endure sufferings and death for Christ, with the martyr Barbara.

With her pray for all who honor you with love.

Kontakion, Tone 4:

Taking up the Cross of Christ,

Thou didst pass from royal glory to the glory of heaven,

Praying for thine enemies, O holy martyr Princess Elizabeth;

And with the martyr Barbara thou didst find everlasting joy.

Therefore, pray ye in behalf of our souls.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner. Holy St. Elizabeth pray to God for us!

Relevant Reading

The Life of St. Elizabeth the New Martyr

St. Martha and Mary Convent & Rule of St. Elizabeth
Grand Duchess Elizabeth in the NY Times

Mother to Son

Happy Belated!

ACK! I failed to post a birthday for my boy!! He's all of EIGHT YEARS OLD now!! How did that happen? The years go by so quickly. I remember when he was so tiny I could hold him in the crook of one arm. Now he can take up an entire queen sized bed by himself! (I know this from painful experience! LOL!)

Praise the Lord for my son who is very much loved and wanted!

Gabriel's birthday, 30 June, is also the day we celebrate the synaxis (meaning "gathering together") of the Twelve Apostles. It always makes me feel good to be able to ask these mighty men of God to pray for my boy. He couldn't have better heavenly god-parents!

The Synaxis of the Twelve Apostles

Apolytikion in the Third Tone

O Holy Apostles, intercede to our merciful God, that He may grant our souls forgiveness of sins.

Kontakion in the Second Tone

O Lord, receive the steadfast and divinely voiced preachers, the pinnacle of Your disciples, unto their rest and the enjoyment of Your blessings. You received, above every offering, their labors and their life. You alone know what the heart holds.

Happy (Belated) Birthday to Gabriel! 

God Grant him many many more years!

SMH*

We mustn't despair when we struggle and continuously see nothing but the slightest progress. We all do nearly nothing, some a little more, some a little less. When Christ sees our little effort He gives us an analogous token and so our nearly nothing becomes valuable and we can see a little progress. For this reason we mustn't despair, but hope in God.”

Elder Paisios

God knows I often struggle with things. There are so many things I see in myself that make me shake my head and wonder why He even puts up with me. However, knowing that He accepts just the little bit that I manage to bring to Him makes me think maybe, just maybe, I'm not a complete screw up in His eyes.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

*Shaking my head

Duty is Heavier than a Mountain...of Mulch

I don't enjoy "gardening" or any sort of yardwork. I'm sorry, I just do not enjoy plants. I don't find great joy in pulling weeds and mulching things. I think fertilizer stinks and the bags are way heavier than I am willing to lift. I definitely do not like the worms, bugs, and other multi-leggedy beasties that live in the yard. I don't like mud. I don't like the damp squelchy feeling of wet shoes/feet. I don't like that I get all hot and sweaty because most yardwork needs to be done in the spring and summer when (at least in the southeastern US) it is sweltering out and pretty much requires one to sprout gills due to the humidity. I don't like the fact that once one finishes the gardening/yardwork there is dirt inevitably tracked into the house that needs sweeping up.

I. Don't. Like. Digging. In. Dirt.

That said...It needs doing. The weeds need pulling. The plants need mulching. The leaves need raking. The bugs need killing or enticing (depending upon what type they are). The dead branches and pine cones need picking up. It just needs doing.

So I do it. I do it because I must.

I do many many things because I must and that's okay. Sometimes there are just things one has to do. Ruminating on the whys and wherefores and wondering when it's going to be over doesn't do anything about the present situation and really just makes life even harder than it needs to be. I've found also that it's when I do the less enjoyable things that I must do, my "obediences" as it were, that I discover something about myself that I hadn't noticed before.

I don't like doing yardwork, but I pray as I do it (mainly so I won't complain and to keep my ranty "I hate this" monologues under control). Today noticed the the herbs that I grow (not a lot and just enough for us--although the oregano, rosemary, and sage seem to be going crazy this year) and I became thankful for the fact that I can use them to brighten up an otherwise boring meal, and that they smell good when I am down in them. I had never even thought about those herbs (beyond can I use them for supper) until I was covering my complaints with prayer.

Covering my complaints with prayer is how I get through a lot of things. I don't have enough room in my head to complain about things anymore and letting them fly has done nothing for me. In fact, all ranting does is breed more complaints. Kind of like...mildew. Well, I am allergic to mildew. It never makes me feel very good to be in a mildewy, moldy place so carrying around a mildewy, moldy place in my head is just the height of stupid in my opinion. So I cover the complaint with prayer.

Don't get me wrong, I am about as eloquent as a walrus, but I think God understands me. I hope He knows that I am trying. Most times I am just trying to be willing to do things things I know I am supposed to do, forget asking for more stuff! That would just be more stuff to complain about to be honest. I just want to be willing as well as able to take care of me and what is already mine. Anything else is just gravy.

So as I do what must be done, I pray. And then I take a shower. And then I go back and do what must be done.

I pray.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading

God and the Suburbanites

I Want to be Even Willing

The Letters of St Theophan the Recluse, (esp Letters 40 & 49 ~blush~)

And Still I Rise

You may write me down in history  With your bitter, twisted lies,  You may trod me in the very dirt  But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?  Why are you beset with gloom?  ‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells  Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,  With the certainty of tides,  Just like hopes springing high,  Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?  Bowed head and lowered eyes?  Shoulders falling down like teardrops.  Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?  Don’t you take it awful hard ‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines  Diggin’ in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,  You may cut me with your eyes,  You may kill me with your hatefulness,  But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I’ve got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise  I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.  Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise
I rise
I rise. ~ Maya Angelou, 1928 - 2014 (edited 28 May 2014)

To Whom It May Concern

For the record and because a statement has been made about this post, I want to say that I've never claimed to be "an abused wife" and neither have I ever claimed to have been the perfect wife. I have admitted to my mistakes before the God I failed in open confession with my priest and before the man I failed and my personal counselors.

Some of the accusations leveled at me, however, are pure bullsh!t and I will not stand for them. They are pure slander. And that is all I will say about that.

This story is going to be different from whichever perspective you choose to look at it. Only by seeing all sides of a story can the truth ever be understood. This is the truth I lived with. I don't coat it with honey for anyone, least of all myself. Having more of it inflicted on me is nothing I am willing to bear any longer.

My journey is not about vengeance nor is it about seeking retribution. My journey is about me working out my salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). So look to your own salvation and I'll see to mine.

Praise God that He has called me worthy and His is the only opinion I care about. The things I hear only reinforce His word to me.

Thank you for your input. God bless you and yours and bring you peace.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.