Fear is the Mind Killer

I must not fear.

Even Battle Hamsters recite the Litany
Shamelessly lifted from Red Wombat Studio

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain
The Bene-Gesserit Litany Against Fear

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love."

~ 1 John 4:18

"...I remind you to rekindle the gift of God that is within you through the laying on of my hands; for God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline."

~ 2 Timothy 1:6-7

Relevant Reading
Dune, Frank Herbert
The Bene Gesserit
The Litany Against Fear

Dammit, I'm not Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl!

Kate Winslet as Clementine

 "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours." ~ Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind






I've had quite enough of being the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Too many guys have assigned me that role in their life and I've allowed it. I'm done with that crazy. 

Look, I'm a mess, too. Try being my Manic Pixie Dream Boy for half a minute and you will see how frakkin' insulting that role is. 

I will not complete you.

I will not show you the magic inherent in the universe. 

I will piss you off, hope you think, make you angry, enjoy things you don't, and do things you don't like, understand or approve of. And I probably won't care that you don't like, understand or approve of them. Much. 

This does not mean I don't love you.

Welcome to being a grown up in a grown up relationship.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Manic Pixie Dream Girl - TV Tropes
Manic Pixie Dream Girl - Wikipedia
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Do You Trust God? Prolly Not.

We had a celebrity of sorts as guest priest at church. Fr Joseph Honeycutt is "a priest of the Antiochian Archdiocese, is the Dean of the East Texas Deanery in the Diocese of Wichita and Mid-America and the Pastor of St Joseph Orthodox Church in Houston, Texas." He's a good friend of Fr Nicholas' and he visits All Saints fairly often. Sometimes he delivers the homily. Yesterday was one of those days. Fr Joseph's topic was trusting God, based on the text for yesterday, Matthew 9:1-8 but also drawing from the previous two Sundays' readings in Matthew, 8:5-13 and 8:28-34.

He opened with this question, "Do you trust God?"

Seeing as I was sitting in the choir section at church and pretty much kinda sorta had to be honest, I think my answer is, "Not all the time." And this in spite of all the random crap, self-inflicted and otherwise, that He has brought me through.

Ungrateful much? Yeah.

I think the hard part about that trusting God thing (aka "faith") is that we get all sorts of screwy messages from outside. Some folks like to say having faith in God means that He's going to wave a magic wand and give you health, wealth, and happiness all the days of your life. They say this in spite of all the Biblical evidence to the contrary, by the way, but they do say it. Then when life happens (and it does, unless you are dead) and that mountain you've been speaking to doesn't hurl itself in to the sea but rather falls on your head, they tell you your faith was "obviously not strong enough" or that you must have some "hidden sin" that prevented God from doing what your faith was supposed to make Him do.

Recipe for loss of faith right there by the way.

That isn't what faith is. It's not a way to force God to do anything because, just as He honors our free will, our faith proves that we honor His. Salvation is a symbiotic relationship. We work with Him. He doesn't work for us. Working with Him means realizing that His will is not only pre-eminent and omniscient, but benevolent towards those of us who have faith regardless of what it looks like.

A lot of the time His benevolent will looks like this:

Christ carrying His Cross

It's hard and it's painful and it leads to something that is awful.

How awful?

Pretty damn.

But on the other side of that pretty damn awful something is my salvation, which is worth so much more than any fleet of Jaguars, exclusive neighborhoods, and designer suits I could ever think about owning, wearing, or living in. What the heck is my trust in a Jaguar going to get me? Not a lot, but trust in God, true faith, brings salvation of my eternal soul.

Christ healing the paralytic
 http://www.icons.dumitrunicusor.com

I know for a fact though, that I am weak in this area. I mean really, truly smaller than a mustard seed with that issue here. That is when the Church steps up and becomes the Great Ark of Salvation, carrying me along on the prayers and faith of others until I can do it, too. This is what the Church is for: to remind us to trust God by providing that trust through the faith of others on our behalf. Christ sees the faith of those who carry me to Him when I am weak and heals me.

Christ healing the Centurion's servant
http://www.icons.dumitrunicusor.com

Then He sends me to do my part in the Ark. Finding out about and telling Him about those who are too weak to come to Him on their own, as the Roman Centurion did, as the friends of the paralytic did. It's not just because of that person's faith by itself or because of my own faith by itself, but because He sees the faith of the ARK, of the Church, and helps that person's weakness on all of our behalf. Faith is something you can see by the way. It's not some amorphous something that is indefinite. Faith is proven by what you DO. Faith without works is dead. It's totally in the Bible.

This is why Orthodox pray "through the prayers of the Theotokos" or "through the prayers of the Holy Fathers". Their prayers avail much. They are still in the Ark, still carrying us all along with them. They have achieved what we wish to achieve and they are part of this great journey to God. I do not have to find salvation by myself. That's silly. My path is my own but I am not walking it alone. The light shines on my way through the prayers of all those who are here with me and all those who have gone ahead.

So why do I lose my trust in God's benevolent will? Or not have any at all at times?

Honest and for true? Because I keep wanting my own way, and my own stuff, in my own time. And that is not faith in God. It is idolatry. Idols, however, are not alive. They can't do anything because, frankly, they aren't living and have no power to affect anything. That idol of myself as ruler of what amounts to a teeny tiny speck that is not even a dot on the grand scale of the universe is about as effectual as a sieve against the tide. Less so.

When I get into the Ark though, and join in the prayers of my fellow sailors, we can plow through the tide together with Christ at the helm.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Orthodixie
Matthew 8:5-13
Matthew 8:28-34
Matthew 9:1-8

Your Arms Are Too Short to Box With God

 Not too long ago I was content. Peaceful. Now I am not. I am not quite sure what happened to change that but I certainly am not happy it happened. I fought long and hard to get to that place and I am pretty darn sure I don't want to leave it behind for a mess o'pottage. Whatever pottage is, it can't possibly be as good as being content and sure of where I stand in my circumstances.

I think that I've begun to rest on my laurels. God has proven to me over the past few years that He will not suffer a lot of nonsense from me. He allows me to have a moment here and there but He isn't going to allow me to give what is rightfully His to another...anything. Another man, another circumstance, another job, another paycheck. Nothing. He has declared Himself and He will not be argued with. He is my source and none other.

Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; do not be discouraged, for you will not suffer disgrace; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the disgrace of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your Husband, Lord of hosts is His name; the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is. 

~Isaiah 54:4-5

The Lord has sworn by his right hand and by his mighty arm: "I will not again give your grain to be food for your enemies,and foreigners shall not drink the wine for which you have laboured; but those who garner it shall eat it and praise the Lord, and those who gather it shall drink it in My holy courts."  

~ Isaiah 62:8-9

No. He will not be argued with. Much. Then again, arguing with God is like fighting the tide.

And in spite of having ridiculously long arms, even my arms are too short to box with God. He has reminded me of that, putting me in my place and telling me to

Remember the wonderful works He has done, his miracles, and the judgments He has uttered...

~ Psalm 105:5

So yeah, I don't have a lot to be discontented about. He has blessed me beyond blessing. Not in ways that most people could see (although some things He has done have been really pretty darn spectacular) but mostly He just makes sure things got done, quietly and without fanfare.

So where is my discontent next to that? How utterly faithless of me, really, to think He would bring me this far and then kick me to the curb like a piece of used Kleenex.

The Lord is faithful, even when I am not.

Especially when I am not. He has His Name to keep up with after all. (Especially since us Christian types tend to drag it through the mud on a regular basis.)

I totally need to keep all of that in mind. Especially when the wind and the rain kicks up.

I totally need to quit being an idiot. Panic does not become a woman called "worthy" by God and His people. (Ruth 3:11)

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Psalm 105
The Prodigal Son, by James Weldon Johnson
Isaiah 54
Isaiah 62
Ruth

Pain and Frustration

Theotokos Softener of Evil Hearts

I watched the speech President Obama gave re: Trayvon Martin. Then I made the mistake of reading the comments (always a mistake) on a news website. I have no idea how I have missed the pure hatred and disregard people in this country have for the lives and experiences of those whose skin is brown.

I need to go hug my boy again. This is horrible.

One day some fool with a gun might see my boy walking down the street and blow him away because he doesn't look like he belongs.

 I HATE this. What is WRONG with people? Oh wait, now I remember...

Oh God! Save thy people and bless thy inheritance!

Soften our evil hearts, O Theotokos, and quench the attacks of those who hate us and loose all straitness of our soul. For looking on thy holy icon we are filled with compunction by thy suffering and loving-kindness for us and we kiss thy wounds; we are filled with horror for the darts with which we wound thee. Let us not, O Mother of Compassion, according to the cruelty of our hearts, perish from the cruelty of heart of those near us, For thou art in truth the Softener of Evil Hearts.

We cry out with heartfelt emotion to the chosen Virgin Mary, far nobler than all the daughters of the earth, Mother of the Son of God, Who gave salvation to the world: Look at our life which is filled with every sorrow and remember the sorrow and pain which thou didst suffer as one born on earth with us, and do with us according to thy merciful heart, that we may cry unto thee: Rejoice, much-sorrowing Mother of God, turn our sorrows into joy and soften the hearts of evil men!

Relevant Reading

Akathist to the Theotokos Softener of Evil Hearts
Obama Trayvon Martin Speech - Transcript

The Six Decisions That Could Have Saved Trayvon Martin's Life
Site where I should have remembered not to read the comments

Synaxis of the Archangel Gabriel

Coptic Icon of the Archangel Gabriel

Coptic Icon of the Annunciation

"You are foremost among the incorporeal ministers of God, O glorious Gabriel, for to you was entrusted the dread mystery of the ineffable birth giving of the holy Virgin, which was commanded immemorially. And you exclaimed to her:
Rejoice, O joyous one! Wherefore, we, the faithful, ever bless you with gladness as is meet."

~ Jul 13, Synaxis of the Holy Archangel Gabriel, Matins Sessional Hymn

Today is my boy's OTHER Name Day! God grant him many many more years! Holy Archangel Gabriel, pray to God for Gabriel's salvation and for my own.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Economy 101

So I spent an hour or so re-reading the Canons of theSeventh Ecumenical Council and I was kind of amazed. I had forgotten that, not only do the canons detail how the Church should be governed, but also what is expected of the people/laity who attend the church. And this was not to control them but to show how those who profess Christ ought to conduct themselves so as not to bring reproach on the Name of the Lord nor upon His Church from unbelievers. (1 Timothy 5:14)

Some things you would think would not have to be enjoined against in a council of Bishops. I mean really! Canon 97 of the Seventh Council made my eyes bug out. Go read it. I will wait. You're back? Your eyes popping, too? Yes, it means exactly what you think it means. Whodathinkit? People have apparently been doing freakin' insane things since time began. This pretty much proves it.

I think the best part of that set of canons however, is Canon 102. To wit:

"It behoves those who have received from God the power to loose and bind, to consider the quality of the sin and the readiness of the sinner for conversion, and to apply medicine suitable for the disease, lest if he is injudicious in each of these respects he should fail in regard to the healing of the sick man. For the disease of sin is not simple, but various and multiform, and it germinates many mischievous offshoots, from which much evil is diffused, and it proceeds further until it is checked by the power of the physician. Wherefore he who professes the science of spiritual medicine ought first of all to consider the disposition of him who has sinned, and to see whether he tends to health or (on the contrary) provokes to himself disease by his own behaviour, and to look how he can care for his manner of life during the interval. And if he does not resist the physician, and if the ulcer of the soul is increased by the application of the imposed medicaments, then let him mete out mercy to him according as he is worthy of it. For the whole account is between God and him to whom the pastoral rule has been delivered, to lead back the wandering sheep and to cure that which is wounded by the serpent; and that he may neither cast them down into the precipices of despair, nor loosen the bridle towards dissolution or contempt of life; but in some way or other, either by means of sternness and astringency, or by greater softness and mild medicines, to resist this sickness and exert himself for the healing of the ulcer, now examining the fruits of his repentance and wisely managing the man who is called to higher illumination. For we ought to know two things, to wit, the things which belong to strictness and those which belong to custom, and to follow the traditional form in the case of those who are not fitted for the highest things, as holy Basil teaches us."

In summary, the sinner comes to Church to be healed of sin and Christ the Healer, through the Church, metes out remedies for the salvation of mankind. These remedies are administered to the faithful through the priest, "he who professes the science of spiritual medicine". So the priest needs to take into account not only the sin, but the disposition (the inherent qualities of mind and character) of the faithful when administering that "spiritual medicine". The one who comes to the priest must be faithful and willing to change (convert), not resisting the physician or the medicine he prescribes to lead that person back toward union with God and healing of the wound of sin given by the serpent. The medicine prescribed to one may seem overly harsh and that prescribed to another may seem overly gentle to those looking from the outside, but what works for one does not always work for another and those watching should look to their own salvation. The faithful one should obey and not despair; and the priest should be merciful and kind, or stern and astringent, as needed.

This is the oikonomia, the economy, of the Church. "This is the Faith of the Apostles. This is the Faith of the Fathers. This is the Faith of the Orthodox. This is the Faith that sustains the universe."

Salvation is the goal, always, not punishment.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner

Relevant Reading
The Seven Ecumenical Councils
Canons of the Council in Trullo
1 Timothy 5
Confession of Faith of the Sunday of Orthodoxy

Suddenly Its Two Months Later

Orthodox Church carved into a 
Romanian salt mine for the miners to worship

I did not realize it had been so long since my last post. Things just went completely wahoonie shaped and time went slip sliding away from me I guess. Not a lot has happened that is particularly noteworthy. My boy turned eleven, and I had my Name Day. There was soccer and work and school and life. My prayer life has hit the skids and I need to get on that. Church. Friends.

I think I'm just living. I'm content with my life most of the time but I can't become complacent. Things are far from golden. God has never let me down. He knows what is going on and the difficulties I am facing. Hard choices that are just about to rip my heart out. I just wish He would just wave a magic wand and make my life perfect but He doesn't work that way.

Regardless. I am still content mostly. There are things I wish I could change about the current situation but blah. It is what it is.

Back to the salt mine.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Let God Arise

Let God Arise - The Paschal Troparion as sung by the congregation of All Saints Orthodox Church

Let God arise! Let his enemies be scattered! Today a sacred Pascha is revealed to us! A new and holy Pascha! A mystical Pascha! A Pascha worthy of veneration! A Pascha which is Christ the redeemer! A blameless Pascha! A great Pascha! A Pascha of the faithful! A Pascha which has opened for us the gates of paradise! A Pascha which sanctifies all the faithful! 

As smoke vanishes so let them vanish! Come from that scene, O women, bearers of glad tidings, and say to Zion: "Receive from us the glad tidings of joy, of Christ's resurrection! 

Exult and be glad, and rejoice, O Jerusalem! seeing Christ the King, who comes forth from the tomb like a bridegroom in procession. So the sinners will perish before the face of God. 

But let the righteous be glad! 

The myrrhbearing women, at the break of dawn, drew near to the tomb of the Life-giver. There they found an angel sitting upon the stone. He greeted them with these words: "Why do you seek the living among the dead? Why do you mourn the incorrupt amid corruption? Go, proclaim the glad tidings to His disciples!" 

This is the day which the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it! Pascha of beauty! The Pascha of the Lord! A Pascha worthy of all honor has dawned for us! Pascha! Let us embrace each other joyously! O Pascha, ransom from affliction! For today, as from a bridal chamber Christ has shown forth from the tomb and filled the women with joy saying: "Proclaim the glad tidings to the apostles!"

Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen. 

This is the day of resurrection! Let us be illumined by the feast! Let us embrace each other! Let us call, "Brothers," even those that hate us and forgive all by the resurrection! And so let us cry: 

Christ is risen from the dead! Trampling down death by death! 

And upon those in the tombs bestowing life! 

Christ is risen from the dead! Trampling death down by death!
And upon those in the tombs bestowing life! 

Christ is risen from the dead! Trampling death down by death!
And upon those in the tombs bestowing life!

~ as recorded by Mihai Ibanescu, member, All Saints Orthodox Church 

Relevant Reading

All Saints Orthodox Church

Paschal Matins 

MihaiIbanescu.net

Today is suspended on a tree He who suspended the earth upon the waters.

Today is suspended on a tree He who suspended the earth upon the waters.
The King of the angels is decked with a crown of thorns.
He who wraps the heavens in clouds is wrapped in the purple of mockery.
He who freed Adam in the Jordan is slapped on the face.
The Bridegroom of the Church is affixed to the Cross with nails.
The Son of the Virgin is pierced by a spear.
We worship Thy passion, O Christ.
We worship Thy passion, O Christ.
We worship Thy passion, O Christ.
Show us also Thy glorious resurrection.
(Hear the Chant)

Today I was not intending to go to church for the Twelve Passion Gospels. It's a very long service, with every one of the the readings of Christ's crucifixion, from the Last Supper, through the Betrayal, Trial, Crucifixion and Death of Our Lord. Our priest and deacon read every one of them. The service is about 3 hours long and frankly, it has been a really long week for me.

I went anyway.

Praise God. The Holy Spirit was truly there and when Father processed through the nave carrying the cross and then hung the icon of Christ on it, my eyes filled with tears for what He had done for me.

Thou wast crucified, O Christ, for my sake, that thou mightest pour forth salvation for me. 

And thy side was pierced with a spear, that it might cause rivers of life to flow in me.

Thou wast fasten with the nails; and so realizing the depth of Thy Passion and

to Thy Crucifixion, O life-giving Savior

Nails and thorns and scourges and spitting and slapping...For the thief on the cross. For the adulterous woman. For the sinful woman. For the Canaanite woman and her daughter.

For me. 

The least I can do is show up.

And be blessed. Oh, so very blessed.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Holy Thursday (List of the Readings of the Twelve Passion Gospels)
Dismas the Penitent Thief
John 12:1-8
Matthew 15:21-27
Mark 14:1-8
Luke 23:39-43
Synaxarion of Great and Holy Wednesday