Let It Be

When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be

And in my hour of darkness She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be...

(Beatles, Let It Be)

I read an article recently that spoke much to me about some of the "knots" I've been asking the Theotokos to untie for me.  Basically, let it be.

NOT "let it go". There is a difference. My life is not a Disney movie. I am no princess. Queen, maybe...but I digress.

Let it be. Let it be truth and joy and wisdom that I portray. Let it be mercy and grace. Exist in the way I know that God has told me to exist and things will be, in spite of me.

"Remember then from what you have fallen;
repent, and do the works you did at first."
~ Revelation 2:5 

"Remember God. Say your prayers. Go to church.

Forgive your brother. Obey the commandments."

~ Fr Thomas Hopko 

Why is this so freakin' hard?

Because I am a sinner. May God have mercy on me.

Relevant Reading
Revelation 2:2-7
"55 Maxims of the Christian Life" ~ Fr Thomas Hopko
How Do We Live in This World
Do All the Things

An Untied Knot in My Heart

The Theotokos Undoer of Knots

Virgin mother, Mary, you untie the knots, with the grace and power of your intercession, take my supplications to your Son Jesus, my God, my Savior and my only Lord, and dissolve and unleash the knot that makes me suffer so much. I hope and trust you, sweet and generous mother. Holy Theotokos, please untie my knots, keep me, guide me, protect me, be my refuge, enlighten me, give me strength  and grant me with immense faith I ask you. 

I asked the Theotokos for a knot to be untied. She spoke to me in a way I could understand and led me to a shoulder who will understand my need and teach me to pray for it.

Thank you Holy Mother.

Pray to God for me, a sinner.

Do All The Things

I've become angry. It has been a long time since that happened although not so long ago that I don't recall it. It took me a long time to get over being angry last time and in some ways I am still working on that. To paraphrase Abba Ammonas, "I have spent MANY years...asking God night and day to grant me the victory over anger." Okay maybe not night and day. I mean, to be perfectly honest, there were some days when it felt pretty damn sweet to rage like a hurricane. But those days became more and more rare as time went by. Confession and prayer for one's enemies is good for the soul, and trust me when I say that neither of those things are easy or fun. After a while though I felt like I had gotten a handle on things, praise God, and was moving right along. I will admit I rested on my laurels for a while. It was just so good to not be angry. Anger takes a lot of energy

Then 2016 happened.

Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt.

WTVeryF is happening in this world? We have this election cycle going on. Shenanigans from both left and right. Donald effing Trump. Hillary effing Clinton. Trigger happy cops killing folk like they're playing some kind of game. People rioting and marching. Racists and bigots crawling out from under the rocks they had been cowering under for the past few years. Racism rearing it's ungly head all over the damned place. Rapists being allowed to go free. Judges picking rapists over their victims and remaining on the bench...It's gotten freakin' insane in the US.

It seems like everytime I go online or turn on the news I'm seeing this insanity. And it's pissing. Me. Off. I can actually feel my blood pressure going up some days.

Photo shamelessly lifted from The Sun, Please don't sue me

So I try to limit my information consumption and I still get the info slapping me upside the head which starts the spiral all over again. It's exactly like being caught in a whirlpool. See that boat? that boat is me. That place where those buildings are? That's what I THOUGHT was safety.

Someone once told me that most of the time anger is a secondary emotion. Sometimes it is legitimately in response to an injustice done and a need to protect and it is a primary emotion. But most of the time anger is the manifestation of an stronger underlying basic emotion: Fear.

Which is why I recognize this manifestation as being based in fear.

I fear for my son. I fear for myself. I fear for this country.

I don't want to be afraid. In fact I am commanded not to be afraid over 80 times in Scripture (yes, yes I know there are supposed to be over 300 mentions but there are not but whatever). But it's kind of hard when you think about all the things that are out there. Gunning for you. Gunning for your kid. And I use the word "gunning" very deliberately here.

I guess I need to "repent and do the things [I] did before". It seems to be a theme with me at this time.

Do all the things. Do ALL the things. DO. ALL. THE. THINGS!

What are the things?

Fr. Thomas Hopko laid it out very succinctly in a formula that is pretty hard to get wrong:

Remember God. 
Say my prayers. 
Go to church. 
Forgive my brother. 
Obey the commandments.

Okey dokey.

Why does that seem so hard right now? I really need an easier formula please. ~sigh~  This is why I'll never be a saint. I suck at all of these things. Like a Dyson. I'm working on it but I am pretty sure my angel has a permanent facepalm. I really want God to look at me and say "Well done."

Somehow I do not think my fearful anger is well pleasing to Him. I'm going back to the basics though. Maybe they will help now as they did before.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
The Sayings of the Desert Fathers, p153-155, Sr Benedicta Ward
The Hardest Part
This is Why I'll Never Be an Adult

"...repent, and do the works you did at first"

"I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance. I know that you cannot tolerate evildoers; you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them to be false. I also know that you are enduring patiently and bearing up for the sake of my name, and that you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember then from what you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent."

~ Revelation 2:2-5

St Teresa of Avila

This reference came to me today after I had the overwhelming desire to re-read the Life of Teresa of Avila. St Teresa is one of my heroes and has been a signpost along the way many times in my journey heretofore. In fact, her works were the first mystical Christian writings I ever studied very nearly 20 years ago (!!!!!). I do not think this great saint and friend of God would steer me wrong. So I am starting over with the works I did at first.

I seem to be on a plateau, wandering round and round, looking for a way up or off. I'm not sure what precisely I am looking for and that is okay. I know I am Looking for Something Good and God has always given me good things when I actively sought Him. Which is of course the rub. I have not actively sought Him in a long long time. I know I am just going through the motions.

In her Life, St Teresa says the evil one always makes us think it is more humble to NOT pray, NOT seek God, NOT commune with Him. That by hovering at the back of the audience chamber, or even not even coming into the the chamber, let alone approaching the throne, I am somehow proving how humble I am. How silly is that? But this is what I have been doing.

So I am starting over from the beginning. I am repenting and doing what I did at first. When you are lost you have to retrace your steps, right? Because just sitting here isn't going to make me any less lost.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Revelation 2:2-7
The Life of St Teresa of Avila (pdf)
St Teresa of Avila (video plus text)
Looking for Something Good

It's Been a Long Time

~wanders through, kicks stuff, runs finger along shelves, looks at dust~

Wow. Haven't been here in a minute.

Don't you worry. I still have thoughts. Many, many thoughts.

I need to get them straight and then write them down. I'll be back...

Lord have mercy on me a sinner....Especially for that thought right there...Oooh and that one too...And that one over there. Mmm, mmm, mmm Lord have mercy indeed...

~wanders off~

Nostalgia

So I am in a town I have not been in since 2007. It's a very weird feeling.

I took a brief spin around town to pass by places I used to go or stay. Places where I have memories good, bad, and indifferent. Places I am no longer welcome through no fault of my own. It's kind of strange, seeing this place through eyes that have changed so much. Melancholy. Bittersweet. Especially considering the reason why I am here.

"What has happened has happened – it is in the past. Just keep on going, all the while asking for help from God."
~Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner, and make the memory of Your handmaiden, Norma Jean, eternal.

Relevant Reading
Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica
Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives

Understanding the Posse Comitatus Act and the Insurrection Act

“The Insurrection Act consists of four statutes enacted at different times for different reasons that, when considered as a whole, provide the power that Presidents have used many times as the legal basis for using troops to enforce the law. The four sections of law are as follows:

Title 10, Section 334 was enacted in 1792 as the Calling Forth Act to give President George Washington authority to call forth the militia when in his judgment they were needed to repel invasions, suppress insurrections, or enforce the laws. To assure that this authority was not abused, a reluctant Congress specified that before using the troops, the President would have to issue a proclamation calling on the insurgents to disperse in a limited time.

Title 10, Section 331 is a combination of two laws. One was enacted in 1795 to correct weaknesses in the Calling Forth Act (1792) when it was used to suppress the Whisky Rebellion in 1793. This law gave the President specific authority to call forth the militia upon the request of a governor or state legislature, if the governor were unable to apply for the assistance. The second law was enacted in 1807 at the request of President Thomas Jefferson to extend Presidential authority to call forth the standing army as well at the militia. This section allows the President to use the armed forces to enforce the laws or suppress a rebellion whenever, in his opinion, unlawful obstructions, combinations, or assemblages or rebellion against the authority of the United States make it impractical to enforce the laws using the course of judicial proceedings.

Title 10, Section 332 was enacted in 1861 at the request of President Abraham Lincoln to increase Presidential authority to use the militia and the regular army to suppress insurrections and enforce the laws. This law was the legal basis for waging the Civil War. This law allows the President to use federal troops on his own initiative and act on his own judgment without waiting for a request from a governor.

Title 10, Section 333 was enacted in 1869 at the request of President U. S. Grant to empower him to use federal troops to suppress the Ku Klux Klan during Reconstruction. The original version of this law said that it was the duty of the President to use the armed forces or militia to respond to insurrection, domestic violence, unlawful combination, or conspiracies that deprive any portion or class of people their Constitutional rights and privileges when state authorities are unable or refuse to protect such people.

The Insurrection Act empowers the President, either upon his own initiative or at the request of a governor to use federal troops to address a variety of civil disturbances that could be provoked by a major terrorist attack. Sections 332 and 333 make it clear that it is up to the President to determine when and where to use federal troops to enforce the laws. The prudent reader should see for him or her self by going to the Internet and reading the statutes cited.”

~ UNDERSTANDING THE POSSE COMITATUS ACT AND THE INSURRECTION ACT
John R. Brinkerhoff, Colonel USA Retired (2008)

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner,

Relevant Reading 
10 U.S. Code Chapter 15 - INSURRECTION

Not Anonymous

"You shall not spread a false report. You shall not join hands with the wicked to act as a malicious witness. You shall not follow a majority in wrongdoing." Exodus 23:1

"Keep your conscience clear, so that, when you are maligned, those who abuse you for your good conduct in Christ may be put to shame." 1 Peter 3:16

"There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that hurry to run to evil, a lying witness who testifies falsely, and one who sows discord in a family." Proverbs 6:16-19

"Better the poor walking in integrity than one perverse of speech who is a fool. Desire without knowledge is not good, and one who moves too hurriedly misses the way. One’s own folly leads to ruin, yet the heart rages against the Lord...A false witness will not go unpunished, and a liar will not escape." Proverbs 19:1-5

"If you cannot be merciful, at least speak as though you are a sinner. If you are not a peacemaker, at least do not be a troublemaker. If you cannot be assiduous, at least in your thought be like a sluggard. If you are not victorious, do not exalt yourself over the vanquished. If you cannot close the mouth of a man who disparages his companion, at least refrain from joining him in this." ~ St. Isaac the Syrian

"Do not regard the feelings of a person who speaks to you about his neighbor disparagingly, but rather say to him: “Stop, brother! I fall into graver sins every day, so how can I criticize him?' In this way you will achieve two things; you will heal yourself and your neighbor with one plaster. This is one of the shortest ways to the forgiveness of sins; I mean, not to judge. `Judge not, and ye shall not be judged.” ~ St. John Climacus

I have a problem with the good Christian folks who are clamoring for the blood and flesh of those on Anonymous' list of so-called KKK members and that problem is this:

WHO MADE YOU JUDGE JURY AND EXECUTIONER?

Why are you eating the swill shoveled out by a bunch of folks whose agenda you are not privy to? How do you know what they actually want? How is the revelation of personal information by people who refuse to reveal themselves actually a good thing? I can respect Eric Snowden because he, at least, is out there willing to take the fall for what he revealed. he had the guts of his conviction and the integrity to walk in it, come what may. These people? They hide. They shy away from the light. They do their work in darkness. If their information is false, old, made up, or wrongly pinned they don't suffer from their own fallout and those they have accused have no recourse. Too bad, so sad. The list compilers' lives aren't shattered. They aren't getting threatening phone calls. They aren't losing their jobs and livelihoods. They aren't losing family and friends.

But it's all in good faith right?

Until they come for you. And me. And my priest. And your priest. And your family suffers. And my family suffers.

But that's fair right? That's perfectly fine and dandy.

Right?

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner. Holy Mary Mother of God pray for our salvation

Relevant Reading
Exodus 23:1-9
1 Peter 3:13-18
Proverbs 6:16-19
Proverbs 19:1-5
St Isaac the Syrian
St John Climacus of the Ladder
About The Ladder of Divine Ascent
Read The Ladder
Thinking and the Lack of Civility

Deep Philosophical Questions of the Day

When did we stop defending the widows, the orphans, the fatherless, the poor, the defenseless? Where isn Scripture does it say blame people for their situation and point out everything they have done wrong because you feed them? Where does it say the rich guy needs the good seat because he might right us a check? At what point in time did "might makes right" become a tenet of the Christian faith? Where in Scripture (and do give me chapter and verse) does it say the bottom line is all that matters and Christians should never suffer? Where does it say sickness and suffering are signs of a lack of faith in God and incorrect speech? What example did Christ set that says the blessing of God is manifest in obscene wealth and denigration of the poor? What part of "do not exasperate your children" do we not understand? Where does it say it is possible to beat sin out of a child or obedience and respect into one? When did welcome the stranger become keep them out because they might be criminals and terrorists? When did FEAR NOT become FEAR EVERYTHING? When did faith in God to manage the universe become God is a vending machine and I'll do it myself? When did indulging evey desire become manly? When did having a penis and a Y-chromosome make you a woman and having a vagina and two X-chromosomes make you a man? When did FEELINGS become facts and facts become just your opinion? Because I damn sure FEEL like a billionaire but the FACTS of my bank account make their OPINION mean my feelings are a freakin' fantasy and I might want to grok to reality. When did we become a bunch of thin skinned, overly offended, fearful, spoiled brats who strut around demanding we have our way and that the world bow down to our individual needs and phobias and anxieties?

Where in hell did that come from?

Oh.

Duh.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

I Miss My Dad

"I held my father's hand...It was just cool flesh. That feeling of terrible emptiness when I touched him was like going into a house that you thought would be full of people you loved, only to find it empty, and even the furniture taken. You walk from room to room, hearing your footsteps echo on the naked floors. Your voice bounces back from the empty walls, where the lines of beloved photos still show like the line around the body at a crime scene. He was gone. My tall, handsome, amazing father. He was supposed to have been immortal..." 

~ Merry Gentry, A Stroke of Midnight, p41

The word used at his homegoing service last week was "inimitable".

May God make his memory eternal.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.