Lather, Rinse, Repeat...

The found humor inherent in the phrase is that the instructions, if taken literally, tell the user to lather their hair, rinse the shampoo off, then repeat the process—but they do not say when to stop this cycle. In theory, a person could conceivably keep washing and rinsing their hair forever (or until they ran out of shampoo) as they repeated the instructions over and over.
Wikipedia Entry

It's that time again. Lent is coming and I am anticipating it like someone was handing out bacon-wrapped filet mignon on the corner. (And considering it is Lent I am talking about that is truly ironic.) I think I do this every year: I anticipate Lent as this huge life-changing event and I inevitably piddle it away. Weird, but true. So...What if I don't? I mean really. What if I don't get all freaked out by the next 8 weeks and just chill? I wonder what might happen.

I think this means I am finally getting over my convertitis and moving into the reality of my life as an Orthodox Christian. Many people I know will be mightly glad to hear that I am sure . LOL! Seriously though, I can't live my life quoting the Early Church Fathers. The whole point is to live what they wrote, not just to quote them randomly in internet conversations that have little bearing on the real world. What they were writing was the real world and their intent, I believe, was for us to live our lives using their experiences as real life examples, not as experiments in a petri dish.

Today I had a great conversation with The Boy about where and what he should eat when he is with his father during the Lenten period. We discussed veggies and fruit and fish without backbones (somehow he thinks we eat jellyfish!! ) and cheese and milk. He was good with that. It was a good conversation. I didn't get all wrapped up in reminding him to pray and how to pray and when to pray and what direction to pray in and who to pray for and which saints to pray with and so on and so forth...We just talked about dealing with being at his dad's house during Lent.

The stress level was SO much lower. I like that. I like that a lot. I also like that I have found a way to put my smilies in my blog posts, but I digress.

I think that is where I need to be. The doing is not as important as the who'ing of my life. The stress level goes down so much when I remember to concentrate on who I am and not what I am doing. Rarely will what I do matter but who I become through it is what is important. I hope I can remember that as the days go by.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Dealing

“The Spiritual life consists in how you deal with what you've been dealt. ..."
Protopresbyter Alexander Schmemann


Right now, I am just trying to deal.





Relevant Readings
Schmemann.org
The Nature of Things--And Our Salvation
Life, Death, Love

prayer vs Prayer

"I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity."
— C.S. Lewis






"Comfort", "happiness", "joy" and "comfortable" are all different things, you know? My religious life and relationship with Christ brings me comfort and joy even in the midst of profound unhappiness and enhance those fleeting moments of happiness. On the other hand, my relationship with Christ also makes me profoundly UNcomfortable when I look at my own sin and the passions I need to overcome and eradicate from my life, but brings me great comfort in knowing that in confession comes forgiveness and in the ascesis of the Church comes the healing that brings change.

This past week has been extremely uncomfy for me...In more ways than one. I have not been a nice person. I mean, if I wasn't attached to me I would have left me alone. It was that bad. Inflicting myself on others was probably not the best thing either. My poor boy had to live with me though. Do you know how ridiculously tiring it is to not reveal just how grumpy you actually feel only to find out just how badly you've not hidden your grumpiness? Ai ya.

What really sucked was it seemed like the more I prayed the worse things got.

Then I realized that I wasn't praying. I was complaining.

Kvetching.
 Pouting.
Whining.
Bitching.
With a bad attitude.

Yes, you can do all of the above when you pray from a prayer book.

True prayer is hard work. It doesn't just happen. In Scripture, people often prayed for days at a time, concentrating on the Lord, on reaching Him and finding His will. The saints of the Church, the Holy Fathers and Mothers did not find their prayer lives easy and, to quote St Theophan's Letters, "Instantaneous prayer life is impossible. You must make a strong effort to control your thoughts, at least to some degree. Prayer does not come about as you expect—by just wishing for it, and, suddenly, there it is. This does not happen." (Letter 48)  Prayer of the heart comes when one makes an effort; to those who do not strive, it will not come. (Letter 15).

I know this week I have not been preparing myself to pray properly. I've just been listing what I want God to do for me to make my life easier and more comfortable. Even in my prayers. I've not remembered Him and what He has already done for me. I have an aircraft carrier full of things I should praise Him for but I keep asking for more. Hmph. Can you say "spoiled brat"? His mercy endures forever...Mainly because my memory is so dang short.

I am also a victim of the idea that my worldly and spiritual lives are separate. That "when one becomes involved in work at home or in business, immediately one steps out of the godly realm and away from God-pleasing activities. From this idea, it follows that once the desire to strive toward God germinates, and talk turns toward the spiritual life, then the idea inevitably surfaces: one must run from society, from the home — to the wilderness, to the forest. (Letter 49) Nothing could be further from the truth. I need Him all the more when I am away from my prayer corner.

Well, where has your prayer vanished? It seems to have started off quite well, and you had already experienced its grace-filled actions in your heart. I will tell you where it has gone. Having prayed once or twice with warmth and in earnest, and having experienced such immediate help through prayer...you thought your prayer was forever established, and that there was no need to maintain it. You thought it would flow by itself. Expecting prayer to continue on its own, you began to rush and carelessly left your thoughts to wander unchecked. From this, your attention scattered, thought went in all directions, and your prayer was no longer true. Once, twice in such a careless manner, and prayer disappeared. Begin anew to establish prayer and plead with the Lord to help you. (Letter 71)

So my problem this week has been me. By eschewing (yes I said eschew...I have a librarian's vocabulary) the "medicine" of the Church I've been sabotaging myself. Doing godly deeds in an ungodly manner (Letter 49) won't help me attain theosis anymore than sitting in the library will make me a book.

I hope that I can remember this in these weeks leading up to Lent.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Through the Prayers of the Theotokos Save Us!

Rejoice Mary, Mother of God, Virgin, full of grace, the Lord is with thee: Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, for thou hast borne the Savior of our souls. It is truly meet to glorify thee, O Birthgiver of God, ever blessed, and all undefiled, the Mother of our God. More honorable than the Cherubim, and beyond compare more glorious than the Seraphim, thou who without stain didst bear God the word, true Birthgiver of God, we magnify thee.

O my beloved Queen, my hope, O Mother of God, protector of orphans and protector of those who are hurt, the savior of those who perish and the consolation of all those who are in distress, thou seest my misery, thou seest my sorrow and my loneliness. Help me--I am powerless; give me strength. Thou knowest what I suffer, thou knowest my grief: Lend me thy hand, for who else can be my hope but thee, my protector and my intercessor before God? I have sinned before thee and before all people. Be my Mother, my consoler, my helper. Protect me and save me, chase grief away from me, chase my lowness of heart and my despondency. Help me, O Mother of my God!*

O gracious Mother of the gracious God, O most pure and blessed Mary, the Mother of God: Pour the mercy of thy Son and our God upon my impassionate soul, and with thine intercessions set me unto good works, that I may pass the rest of my life without blemish and, with thine aid, attain heaven. O Virgin Mother of God, the only one who art pure and blessed; O Queen of the Heavenly Host, Defender of our souls: Being delivered from evil, as thy servants, O Mother of God, we offer unto thee the hymns of thanks and victory; but as thou hast power invincible, deliver us from all calamity, that we may cry unto thee: Rejoice, O ever-Virgin Bride!

 

* A prisoner in a Soviet Gulag overheard an Orthodox priest by the name of Father Arseny praying this prayer before an icon of the Theotokos.

For Mom

Alberta Webb Gatling

3 May 1937 - 25 January 1995

O Master, Lord our God, Who in Your wisdom has created man, and did honor him with Your Divine image, and placed in him the spirit of life, and lead him into this world, bestowing on him the hope of resurrection and life everlasting; and after he had violated Thy commandments, You O Gracious lover of mankind, did descend to the earth that You might renew again the creation of Your hands. Therefore we pray You, O All-Holy Master give rest to the souls of Your servant, Alberta, in a place of brightness, a place of verdure, a place of repose, and, in that she has sinned in word, or deed or thought forgive her: For You are a good God and love mankind and unto You do we ascribe Glory, together with Your Father, Who is from everlasting and Your All-Holy and good, and life giving Spirit, now, and ever, and unto ages of ages.

Amen.

January

For me, the "New Year" doesn't actually begin until February. IN my little world, January is clean up time, perfect for reflecting about the previous year, finishing whatever needs finishing and planning for the year to come.

This year is especially exciting to me. I mean, I have a boatload of things I want to do this year, but at the very tippy, sharp-pointy top of the list is walking the stage at December commencement to receive my Masters of Library Science degree. For the first time ever (at least since childhood) I don't feel like school is a waste of time. Don't get me wrong, I liked school most of the time growing up, but I never focused on anything except graduating. After graduation from university, however, I was at a loss. There was nothing left to graduate from/to, as far as I could see. I had a B.A. in something I didn't really enjoy and didn't want to pursue so I just floated for many years. I had jobs but none that I could see myself doing for the next 40 years.

Then I got married, had a child and still didn't know what it was exactly I wanted to do with myself and I think that (among other things on both sides of the coin) contributed to that marriage ending.

Now, things are way different. Yes, I have something to graduate from but in the truest sense of the word, this will be a commencement and not a graduation. It will be a beginning, not just a ranking on a scale for me. I'm excited about what is going to happen next because I chose something that makes me happy instead of waiting for someone to do it. That makes this time doubly precious to me. It's a first. It's a treasure paid for with a great price and I am thankful to God for everything He brought me through because without that background, I would have no idea just how precious this is to me.

Amazing. I never would have thought that just a few years ago.

I do have a few loose ends to tie up from last year as well. In all the dramedy that was my life for the last, say, 14 months, some things got put off or put aside. Mainly for financial reasons. When you don't have a job that sort of thing happens. What passes for normality has reasserted itself now so I think I will be able to wind those up.

I also have a list of fun things I have wanted to do since forever that kept getting put off for this that and the other reason. It's amazing how much you can do if you just DO it and quit waiting for somebody else to decide to do whatever it is with you. I'm grown and there is very little on my "bucket list" that I can't do alone if I feel the urge.

Something is coming. I've decided to be ready for it.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

King of Anything, Sara Bareilles cover by Sam Tsui

Something's Comin'

West Side Story, "Something's Comin'"

I'm really feeling as though God is preparing me for something. I have no idea what but that is alright. I've learned that when He is up to something it's best just to be ready: make sure my oil lamp is full, my loins are girded, my shoes are on my feet and my staff is in my hand.

O Heavenly King, O Comforter, 

the Spirit of Truth Who are in all places and fill all things. 

Treasury of Good Things and Giver of Life, 

come and abide in us, cleanse us from every stain and save our souls 

O Gracious Lord

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Matthew 25:1-13
Mark 6:8-9
Exodus 12:11
Acquiring the Hoy Spirit

The Mad Hatter Makes a ~gasp~ Resolution

In the past, I have tried my level best to start my day with a list of things to do. The list may not necessarily be written down someplace but I do always have an idea of what needs doing, cleaning, fixing, whatever-ing next. Then there are those moments when I know there is something that needs doing but it conflicts with something equally important that needs doing. That's when I go all deer-in-headlights. Drives me nuts! I mean, which one is the "right" thing to do?

Sometimes I try to think about what I am doing in terms of what "hat" I am wearing. You know, that saying about how we all wear many hats? I think Stephen Covey (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) came up with it. Essentially he said we can compartmentalize and prioritize what needs to be done based upon which hat we are wearing at that time. Seems pretty simple, does it not?

Unfortunately, that "hat" thing just leads to major anxiety for me. How does it lead to anxiety? Well just think about it...I'm trying to figure out which is the right thing to do, right? What will be the outcome if I do X instead of Y? Or if I do Y before X? Or...? Or...? Or...? It's enough to make a happily odd girl go slowly insane if not require professional help and a handful of anxiety meds per day. And who can afford that? 

Add to that the fact that the Lord has said that anxiety is a sin, has He not? So I have to do things slightly differently. I keep the list but it's not carved in granite. I've simply decided that my life has got to be more than getting stuff done and checking things off a list. I have to be flexible and gentle with myself and learn to live with the chips as they fall where they may. 

Basically, I have to remember to give up control while remaining in control. I can't let anyone force me into a position where I lose control anymore. There is no need for it. To possibly misquote a character from Sean Russell's Gatherer of Clouds, "To lose control because one feels out of control is a very confused response, I think."

So I think this coming year's resolution (I hate those things) is going to be keeping control and learning how to master the passions in my soul. It does me no good to allow these things to come to me and separate me from God by causing me undue anxiety and nervousness. The last part of the verses from Philippians I noted above says, 

"Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 

Emphasis mine. This next year, as I come to the end of yet another journey (graduation in December 2011, YAY!) I want to be at peace with God. That is truly it. I just want peace. Not the peace of the doormat getting walked on all the time nor the peace of the soldier who is always ready for battle. Just peace to live my life the way God wants me to live it. This is not to say that I won't fight if the need arises because there are things I will not abide and I will not be walked all over. No. There has to be a balance and I am looking for it.

This coming year, I hope to find it.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading

Artwork borrowed from Fayrenpickpocket @ Deviant Art

Philippians 4:4-7

Gatherer of Clouds
The Ascetic Podvig of Living in the World
Are Passions Natural?

Christ is Born! Glorify Him!

Christ is born, glorify Him! Christ from heaven, go out to meet Him! 

Christ is on earth, be exalted! 

Sing to the Lord all the whole earth; and that I may join both in one word, 

let the heavens rejoice, and let the earth be glad, 

for Him who is of heaven and then of earth.

 Christ in the flesh, rejoice with trembling and with joy; 

with trembling because of your sins, 

with joy because of your hope!

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

An Imperial Greeting from a Modern Orthodox Emperor

 

*Click image to increase size