Black Friday, St Xenia, and Me

I worked my first Black Friday in a LONG time today. I got to the mall at 700a and it was just me and a co-worker for about three hours. Not a lot was going on and it was SO dead. (As I wait for the library jobs to say yes to me I work in a card store. We had no doorbusters, no BF specials). I don't think we had more than four people in the store before 830a. I spent time making some changes to the store set per the Regional Manager's emails. I had my phone in my pocket and so while I was out there, I'd glance at the Akathist to St Xenia and try to think about a line from a kontakion or o/ikos as I was straightening stuff. It kept me from complaining about being at the mall at stupid o'clock in the morning.

About 830 or 900a, a few people who wandered in to buy one thing and then wander out. Then we got this one lady (and her cranky kids) with a slight attitude and my co-worker started to b!tch about her as soon as she left.

Snow Roller 

It truly only takes one. If it isn't nipped in the bud, it just rolls onward. At best, I am "not a morning person." At worst I am a wet cat in a burlap bag. I HATE being up early in the morning. It does not take much to get me to complain about being awake before my inner clock says it's reasonable to be awake. Caffeine is a food group as far as I am concerned.

So there I was, commiserating and jumping on the band-wagon along with co-worker when the eighth kontakion in the akathist popped into my head. It reads:

As a homeless wanderer, you trod the path of your life in the capital city 

of Russia, bearing afflictions and reproaches with great patience; 

and abiding now in the heavenly Jerusalem,

in joy you sing unto God: Alleluia!

And here I am complaining about a woman who, though it was through her own volition, was out too early in the morning with obviously exhausted children and probably trying to do as much of her shopping as she could. All she really wanted was the price tag taken off the picture and to have it re-wrapped. I'd be snarky too if I had to drag cranky kids around the mall at crazy o'clock in the morning after probably not getting enough sleep after a major holiday.

And while maybe she could have been nicer, why take offense at her snarkiness? There is so much energy expended in being offended by piddly stuff like that. Energy I desperately needed about two hours later when folks actually decided they needed cards and gift-wrapping services and the like. It really wasn't worth it to me to be "offended" by people who shop on Black Friday, tired, cranky customers, upper management at Wal-Mart or Sears (people whose decisions have no bearing on my work life right now). It simply wasn't.

Immediately the irritation just sort of drained away and I felt a lot better. I tried to change the subject but co-worker wasn't having it so I started emptying more boxes and setting out more of the items on the update (some seriously butt-ugly Christmas dust collectors let me tell you). After a while, co-worker wandered off.

And St Xenia and I re-set the front of the store in peace.

You were all things to all, O blessed Xenia—comfort for the sorrowful, protection and defense for the weak, joy for the grieving, clothing for the poor, healing for the sick; therefore, we cry out unto you:

Rejoice, for you dwell in the mansions on high!
Rejoice, for you pray there for us sinners!
Rejoice, O good one, who shows us a model of service to God!
Rejoice, O provider of our every need!
Rejoice, O protectress of the persecuted and oppressed!
Rejoice, for you by your supplications help the Orthodox people!
Rejoice, for you endured much affliction and grief!
Rejoice, for you defend the afflicted who pray to you!
Rejoice, for you rebuke those who abuse their fellows!
Rejoice, for you put to shame unbelievers and those who babble!
Rejoice, for you were clothed in rags and tatters!
Rejoice, for God has adorned you with the splendid raiment of righteousness!
Rejoice, O blessed Xenia, who ever intercedes for our souls!

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!

Relevant Reading
The Life of St Xenia
The Akathist to St Xenia

Mama Bear Has Nothing On Me

Holy Theotokos protect my son when he is far from me.

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

There Are Days

There are days when I wish I had fewer convictions about what is good and right. I am not trying to impress anyone. I'm so far from holy I'm sneaking up on it from the other side. But I can't stop living the way I live just because it is hard.

(Don't get me wrong. I do not feel "guilty" about anything. Confession solves many things and eradicates guilt if you do it right. Acceptance of my responsibility for what I have done and not saying that it is someone else's fault or trying to play the victim does wonders for moving away from random "guilty" feelings to true change. There are folks in the world who need to feel guilty about things they have done, or not done, or need to do, but I am not one of them.)

God, however, has very high standards and He doesn't change them just because I whine.

Besides, I am not whining, per se. I just wish this road was just a tad easier. Maybe had a few fewer potholes.

And if wishes were horses we all would ride.

Beginning tomorrow, the Winter Lent will begin. There are so many days within this time of preparation for me to remember what God has promised and what He has done to this point. Each of those days is one more day to see His plan for me played out on this stage and to try to live up to those plans which feature themselves for me as convictions and beliefs about how I should live my life and what example I should set for my son. Should I be self-indulgent or self-controlled? Should I ignore my commitments or honor them in spite of how I feel about them at the moment? Should my desires overcome what I know to be good and right or should I "fast" and pray about them?

There are days when the temptation is keener than the edge of a knife.

And then...God.

Lord have mercy upon me, a sinner. Please bless these days of preparation for your servant.

Relevant Reading
Why We Fast

What a Month!

This month has been a testimony to God's grace and provision. I can hardly believe it's over.


Make a joyful noise to God, all the earth; 
   sing the glory of his name;
   give to him glorious praise. 
Say to God, ‘How awesome are your deeds!
   Because of your great power, your enemies cringe before you. 
All the earth worships you;
   they sing praises to you,
   sing praises to your name.’
          Selah 

I cannot possibly begin to immuerate all the things He did for me this month, from an exact amount of money needed for me to do some things appearing at just the right time, to a number of prayers being answered all I can say is

Come and see what God has done:
   he is awesome in his deeds among mortals. 
He turned the sea into dry land;
   they passed through the river on foot.
There we rejoiced in him, 
   who rules by his might for ever,
whose eyes keep watch on the nations—
   let the rebellious not exalt themselves.
          Selah 

Bless our God, O peoples,
   let the sound of his praise be heard, 
who has kept us among the living,
   and has not let our feet slip. 


As far as I am concerned His mercy endures forever. He promised me He would care for me and my son and has never let me down. Even when I was busily screwing up and herding cats, He was letting me do what I did and yet...And yet preserving His Name regardless of me.

For you, O God, have tested us;
   you have tried us as silver is tried. 
You brought us into the net;
   you laid burdens on our backs; 
you let people ride over our heads;
   we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a spacious place. 
I will come into your house with burnt-offerings;
   I will pay you my vows, 
those that my lips uttered
   and my mouth promised when I was in trouble. 
I will offer to you burnt-offerings of fatlings,
   with the smoke of the sacrifice of rams;
I will make an offering of bulls and goats.
          Selah 

I don't have a lot to give back to Him, but everything I have He gave me so how can I refuse to give my own "mite"? How selfish and ungrateful am I to even do that? I look around and see nothing but blessing!

Come and hear, all you who fear God,
   and I will tell what he has done for me. 
I cried aloud to him,
   and he was extolled with my tongue. 
If I had cherished iniquity in my heart,
   the Lord would not have listened. 
But truly God has listened;
   he has given heed to the words of my prayer. 
Blessed be God,
   because he has not rejected my prayer
   or removed his steadfast love from me.

Truly God has listened to me, but not through any goodness I possess. Only His mercy and grace has gotten me through this month. Heck through this YEAR. This has been one of the hardest, if not THE hardest I have experienced. Amazingly enough however all I have done this year is gain while in other hard years all I did was lose. I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living

Thank you, Father. Please continue to have mercy on me, a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Psalm 66
Psalm 27
Isaiah 54
Ruth 3:11

My So-called Spiritual Life

My Spiritual Life, from Pithless Thoughts

Wow! What a month it has been. I didn't even realize so much time had passed since my last post until I dropped by today.

It's been exhausting simply because I had to maintain my faith and that has never been a gift of mine. It's very hard for me not to look at circumstances, to wonder about the future, and to just generally whine about why my life is sooooo veeeeerrrry, veeeeerrrry, haaaaarrrrrddddduh.

So, you might ask, how'd that work for you?

It didn't. To be precise, it only made things worse. Don't get me wrong, for a short period of time the pity party is kind of satisfying (in a sick and twisted sort of way) but after a while I started to get on my own nerves. And do not get me started on how much energy it takes to work up a good whine. Seeing as I only have so many spoons per day sometimes, that is simply not a wise use of my limited resources. So I decided (and yes it was an actual conscious decision, I remember the date I made it) not to do that anymore.

Decision made but how exactly does that look? What do I do instead? If I am not whining and I am going to have faith, what else is it I need to do? I was at a loss so I decided to pray and then I did it again. Then I worried I wasn't doing it right, so I started reading. I read A LOT.

Read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, look around at circumstances (bad idea), go back to reading and praying. Take the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

...Honestly, my life hasn't been easy the last few months. It's been pretty damned hard...

Read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, look around at circumstances (bad idea), go back to reading and praying. Take the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

...Okay, Lord, there are things I do not have to worry about? I'm taking too much responsibility for other people's emotional lives? I'm making mountains out of molehills?...

Read, pray, read, pray, come up for air, look around at circumstances (bad idea, WHEN will I learn???), go back to reading and praying. Take the advice of Fr Thomas Hopko, go back to reading and praying. Lather, rinse, repeat.

A lightbulb moment came while reading the life of St. Nektarios of Pentapolis and Aegina. This wonderful saint of God went through so much in his life. So many false accusations, deprivation, deception, persecution by and exile from those who were supposed to be his support, just downright evil meanness done to him for no reason. He never lost his faith though. He was always seen to be praying for those who persecuted him. He never defended himself but accepted what was forced unfairly upon him, preferring to accept what God allowed to happen to him to happen to him.

In one of his letters, St Nektarios wrote to the nuns at Aegina, a monastery he founded:

Do not be frightened. The overseeing eye of the Lord has not looked away...The Lady Theotokos will intercede once again. She will intercede to her omnipotent Son....Do not be troubled. Just continue your penance and every good work, with an attitude of happiness and optimism. We believe in a living perfect God. If He allows tribulations, it is for the salvation of our souls, of this you can be sure. Return to your duties of virture and to the special ministries you have undertaken, always keeping in mind the great Paul and Silas who suffered so greatly inside prison. So let us chant as they did, continuously praising our benefactor as they did that historic night...
~ Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p220, 223

St Nektarios of Aegina

Later on, the monastery needed repairs--it was originally a deserted convent on the island of Aegina and it needed rebuilding and repairing beyond what Fr Nektarios and the nuns could do on their own. Unfortunately the Metropolitan of Athens refused to acknowledge the monastery (refusing to recall his promise to Nektarios that he would) and without his formal acknowledgement, the monastery's funds were tied up legally. The workers who were repairing the buildings of the monastery needed to be paid however and so Nektarios did what he always did; he reassured them and he prayed.

Sure enough, within a few days the mail came with enough cash donations to pay the construction crew for that week. The nuns were very happy and they thanked God for the provision, but then the nuns began to worry about the next payments and the saint told them:

Do not be ungrateful for what we received this week by thinking about next week. I am sure divine providence will send something again.
~ Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p237

Wow. Such faith. I wish I had faith like that. What stood out to me is that Nektarios told them that worrying about the next week's provision was "ungratefulness". Isn't it natural to wonder what is going to happen next time? Then again, even Christ said:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?"
~Matthew 6:25-30

And the biography shows that Fr Nektarios lived this way all his life. He truly believed that no matter the circumstances, God would provide and God always did. Even as a young boy, sent away from his family to Constantinople for schooling, he lived this way. Even when he was unjustly relieved of his posting in Egypt and denied his Greek citizenship, he lived this way. Even when he was accused of gathering a harem and tossing newborn babies down a well, he lived this way, only believing that whatever God allowed would be for the salvation of his soul:

The evil one does not care to what extent the human soul can endure torments, plots against it, and slander. When given permission [Job 1:6-12 and 2:1-6] to test the soul, he falls on his victim like a wild hungry vulture, taking pleasure in thrusting his nails in the backs of its unsuspecting victims.
~Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century, p219

In no way am I claiming to be a saint, but knowing that even the saints had to undergo testing and torment, deprivation, deceit, and exile but never gave up their faith is always a comfort and example to me. Their lives give me something to look to so that I will not give up when my comparably puny difficulties arise. After all, I'm not caring for twenty or thirty other people on my prayers alone. I am not required to dig roads, lift rocks, repair masonry and then sleep in a draughty old ruin after not having enough to eat or adequate shoes and clothing for the weather. My health is good and I am young. And yet I worry and whine. What a wimp I can be.

Lord forgive me, a whiny sinner. You have always provided for me and always just in time, even after I spend my energy on whining about how hard my life is. Forgive me for disdaining this prize you have given me, this gold star that is LIFE. And I thank you for giving it to me so abundantly. You always meet my needs and You always show Your love for me. I will never be able to thank you enough. Please continue to have mercy on me, whiny and sinful as I am. 

St. Nektarios, thank you for the example of your life. Pray to God for the salvation of our souls!

Relevant Reading
1 Corinthians 12:4-11
Have Some Cheese with that Whine?
The Spoon Theory
The Hardest Part
Saint Nektarios: The Saint of Our Century
Matthew 6:25-30
A life of St Nektarios and photos

I am Tired

You are tired,

(I think)

Of the always puzzle of living and doing;

And so am I.

Come with me, then,

And we'll leave it far and far away—

(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,

(I think)

And broke the toys you were fondest of,

And are a little tired now;

Tired of things that break, and—

Just tired.

So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,

And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—

Open to me!

For I will show you the places Nobody knows,

And, if you like,

The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!

I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,

That floats forever and a day;

I'll sing you the jacinth song

Of the probable stars;

I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,

Until I find the Only Flower,

Which shall keep (I think) your little heart

While the moon comes out of the sea.

~ ee cummings

Happy New Year!

Christ our God, Your kingdom is an everlasting one and Your lordship is over all. 

You have made all things with wisdom and have established proper times and seasons for our lives.

We give thanks to You in all circumstances and for all things. 

Grant that this liturgical year be for all of us a year of grace. 

Make us worthy with purity of heart always to praise you. Lord, glory to You!

Today the liturgical year begins and I am taking stock of how things are. 

Some things pretty much suck, but they could suck worse. I have my friends who have all come through for me in such a big way this year. And it has been such a long, long year. God has gifted me with so many good people in my life. I honestly don't know how they stand me but I will never never forget their goodness. This is true Christian prosperity. So many blessings, so much love. Thank you, Father.

I have named my greatest fear and this year I am resolved to overcome it. "Live in the real and name the lies." I forget to do that sometimes when things are hard. What is my fear? What is real about this fear? What are the lies about this fear? There are many things I can do nothing about, but forcing myself to see what is real and refusing to live in fear of things my mind conjures up is something I can control. This year I will. I will not try, "there is no "try". I will do it.

Let go, let go, let go. I believe that is the command of God to me for this year. "Let go, let go, let go. You are holding onto many things far too tightly and you need to let them go. I cannot fill an old wine skin. Be made new and let me fill you again with new wine." No, I do not claim God speaks to me in so many words, it is (1) just where I am at the moment and (2) it is what I believe to be true and (3) it is Biblical. There are so many things I need to release and this is the time to do it. I think I am ready. I've already begun releasing some things. Others will be harder. 

God will provide Himself a lamb. (Genesis 22:8) 

I want at least to be willing to be willing. I want to be obedient. 

The overall orders have not changed: Do Justice. Love Kindness. Walk Humbly. Remember God. Say My Prayers. Go to Church. Forgive My Brother. Obey the Commandments.

And...Let Go.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading
Micah 6:1-8

Distraction

What Does God Want of Me?

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Relevant Reading 
Micah 6:1-8 
The Hardest Part

Toilet Paper Math

I was never very good at math growing up. I have gotten significantly better over the years but I still have issues with word problems and letters in place of numbers. And toilet paper math. Which, mind you, was never taught at any of the wonderful institutions of learning, higher or lower, that I ever attended.

Regular math applied to toilet paper should look a little something like this ((hit it!)):

• You can buy twelve single rolls. This should equal 12. (1x12)
• You can buy twelve double rolls. If a single roll = 1 roll then 12 double rolls should equal 24 single rolls (2x12)
• You can buy twelve triple rolls.  Using the above equation, 12 triple rolls should equal 36 single rolls. (3x12)

Got that?

But that's not how it works.

According to the gurus of toilet paper math at Charmin and Northern and such like places, they have some sort of higher advanced mathematics and magic that allows them to morph double rolls into more than 2 so that 6 double rolls actually equals 24 singles and 12 double rolls actually equal 48 singles and 12 triple rolls--get this--is somehow equivalent to 96 singles. The mind boggles.

And as if that isn't bad enough, then you have to factor in the pricing of said morphed rolls because they vary from store to store ((and day to day it seems)) and God forbid there should be a special or coupon involved.

Factor in the fact that Target, Harris Teeter, Kroger, Food Lion and Walmart are chronically unable to get signs positioned properly on any given day and you can see why, on days I find my self running low on tp, I get this slightly panicked look in my eye. I have been known to stand in the tp aisle trying to figure out the best bang for my buck for long periods of time because, frankly, toilet paper math is up there with quantum physics for me. And God forbid I should have a coupon. Once, one of the Target employees had to bring me the item I wanted to buy, the sign, and the item I should have selected in order to explain the whole thing properly. I was still more than a bit deer-in-headlights as I left the store.

It's really sad.

I truly believe that only Stephen Hawking can do toilet paper math in his head.

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.

Rielle Hunter

Why should anyone listen to anything this woman has to say? She goes around sleeping with other people's husbands. There is nothing that she has to say that I want to hear. Seriously. What kind of woman does that and then claims she hasn't done anything wrong? And yet people will read her book. SMH...

Lord have mercy on me a sinner.