"In a real dark night of the soul it is always three
o'clock in the morning."
~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come
after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me."
~ Matthew 10:38, 16:24; Mark 8:34; Luke 9:23, 14:47
Therefore, to keep me from being too elated, a thorn was
given to me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me, to keep me from
being too elated. Three times I appealed to the Lord about this,
that it would leave me, but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient
for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more
gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore
I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities
for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.
~ 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and
supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the
peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and
your minds in Christ Jesus.
Not that I am referring to being in need; for I have learned
to be content with whatever I have. I know what it is to have little, and I
know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the
secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in
need
~ Philippians 4:6-7,11-12
According to the Gospel, it should be said that undoubtedly
each person is given his own saving cross. This cross has grown on the soil of
our heart, and it is only through this cross that we can be saved. From this it
follows that if we refuse to carry our cross of obedience for no legitimate
reason, we refuse to go by the way of Christ, by the saving way, and we want to
invent for ourselves another way, free of labor, for attaining the Kingdom of
Heaven. But this cannot be.
I am coming to realize that there is simply no avoiding my
particular cross. I may kick, I may scream, but it is here for the
duration. No matter how much I try to
wiggle away, I always find myself face to face with it. And I seriously and
truly abhor it. With every fibre of my being.
Above and beyond anything else, I. Hate. This. Thorn.
God says, “…And? It’s a thorn. A cross. You aren’t supposed to like
it. You are supposed to bear it and deal with it. MY WAY.” God’s way, in case you were
behind on this one, is forgiveness, love, mercy, patience. Acceptance.
Long-suffering (emphasis on the long and the suffering.) I am definitely still
an American Christian. ~sigh~
God’s way and my way differ completely. I would prefer that
my particular cross take a long walk on a short pier, to be perfectly honest. There is nothing in me that really thinks any
part of this will produce anything in me except more pain and suffering. I am not
into that sort of thing and would really rather avoid it, kind of like a large spider.
Or have someone else come kill it.
The Lord in His wisdom has decreed that this is not the case
for me. Somehow this cross, this thorn, is part of my salvific journey and I
have to master it. No. That’s not right. I have to submit to it. I have to
allow God to master me in spite of
it. I cannot allow the thorn in my side to distract me from His comfort, or
make me discontent with what He has already given me (and we don’t even need to
talk about how much that is…SO much He has given, the mind boggles!). There is
so much left to do! Being distracted is not going to do anything but keep me
from His plan for me. And He does have one (Jeremiah 29:11) and I have an
inkling, just the slightest sparkling, of what part of it is.
Distraction by obvious trifles is not
on the list of things I need to be indulging in right now. Has He not told me He would care for me and for my son, regardless of what happened around me?Yes. And more than once.
There is something coming.
Something good for me in spite of circumstances and ill will. I have been
looking for something good
for quite some time and I know that the Lord will see me through this Dark
Night of the Soul to the sunrise of His blessing.
I just have to bear it.
This cross.
This thorn.
The point (HA!!) being that I need to draw even nearer to Him. That I must
let the Lord soothe me and my aching soul as I endure to reach the end of the
race He has set before me to run.
God grant me grace to accept what You have given me with thankfulness
and a whole heart. All You do is for my good and for the salvation of my soul.
I am so thankful to You for entrusting me with what You have thus far. Please
make me worthy of it. Give me grace to endure with a peaceful spirit and to
trust fully in Your Word and Your promises to me.
I stand before the gates of thy Temple, and yet I refrain
not from my evil thoughts. But do thou, O Christ my God, who didst justify the
publican, and hadst mercy on the Canaanite woman, and opened the gates of Paradise
to the thief; open unto me the compassion of thy love toward mankind, and
receive me as I approach and touch thee, like the sinful woman and the woman
with the issue of blood; for the one, by embracing thy feet received the
forgiveness of her sins, and the other by but touching the hem of thy garment
was healed. And I, most sinful, dare to partake of thy whole Body. Let me not
be consumed but receive me as thou didst receive them, and enlighten the
perceptions of my soul, consuming the accusations of my sins; through the
intercessions of Her that without stain gave Thee birth, and of the heavenly
Powers; for thou art blessed unto ages of ages. Amen.
~ Prayer before Communion by St John of Damascus
Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.
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